It’s the 4th of July today – we knew it was coming because there have been firecrackers going off for a week. Strangely enough, it’s quiet at the moment – 2:15 p.m. – but I expect it will get livelier as the day goes on and it begins to be dark. So we are in for a noisy evening and night. We can look in all four directions and people have fireworks going off – sometimes it is hard to decide which way to turn. The other unusual part of the day is that we have had sun and good weather quite often – we tend to say summer doesn’t start here until July 5th.
Eddie took the day off and went with me to visit Mom. I wasn’t sure if he would because he finds it very difficult to be with her, he can’t really carry on a conversation with her. She has been having trouble with her knee, so she has been in the wheelchair – but Judy has her use the walker to go into the tv room. Today she was sitting in the chair, her walker near her. So she must be doing better. She is always ready for chocolate and cookies, I had 2 different kinds of chocolate this time. As we were walking over from the church parking lot, Eddie said he didn’t want to stay very long.
We were there about half an hour and Judy was outside on the phone, so I couldn’t tell her we were leaving. I went around the back door but she wasn’t outside, she was just inside the door. She was concerned about me because we hadn’t stayed long – I told her it is hard for Eddie to see her that way. She is so understanding and kind to me, it started my tears gathering in my eyes. And the nicer she is to me, the more I cry. It hit me and I was feeling upset. I went back to the car and decided I would just feel the feeling, feel the sensations.
I can’t really describe how I was feeling, upset is the best I can do. So I just decided this is what I am feeling in this moment, not judging it good or bad, or criticizing or beating myself up about it. I decided to speak my truth, though mostly it was inside me rather than telling Eddie. It was uncomfortable to feel like that, but that was how I felt. I felt tears spilling down my cheeks and I let them fall. I thought about the gift in it, at that moment I didn’t see any gift. I called on Mother/Father God, my angels, archangels, master teachers, ascended masters, spirit guides, over lighting divas and all who were there for my highest good to help and guide me to see the gift.
As I was working through it, I realized the gift was I felt my feelings and the sensations without judgment or beating myself up – just allowed them to be what they were in that moment. Usually I will do something or go somewhere so I don’t have to feel or think about what I am feeling – not always the best idea. It feels as if it is another step to awareness – they aren’t always comfortable or enjoyable steps, but they are necessary.
I told Judy I have had several people tell me that I will be grateful I did this for Mom – she said that was so very true. Right now it is a bit difficult for me to see this because often I want to run away and not have to deal with it. I also know I couldn’t live with myself if I did – I keep thinking how she has always been there for me and my sisters and it is my turn to do it for her. I never want her to feel she has been abandoned. I spoke to an intuitive a few weeks back and she told me my Dad’s Spirit is still here, waiting until Mom finishes what she needs to complete. She said he is very proud of me.
It’s better now, though there is a heaviness and some draggy feelings. The gift comes in unexpected ways, or is itself different from what I thought it would be. Sometimes I expect things to show up in a certain way or form, when it doesn’t, I am disappointed. I have a much easier time now just giving it to God and saying “However shows up, whatever works for me”. I have finally learned that when I say it has to be a certain way, I limit the Universe and miss out on all kinds of possibilities.
I also have some things to resolve with Mom, I plan to have a reading with the intuitive to see what is left unfinished.
Gift of RA 