Posts Tagged ‘God’

Life Lesson

July 4, 2014

It’s the 4th of July today – we knew it was coming because there have been firecrackers going off for a week.  Strangely enough, it’s quiet at the moment – 2:15 p.m. – but I expect it will get livelier as the day goes on and it begins to be dark.  So we are in for a noisy evening and night.  We can look in all four directions and people have fireworks going off – sometimes it is hard to decide which way to turn.  The other unusual part of the day is that we have had sun and good weather quite often – we tend to say summer doesn’t start here until July 5th.

Eddie took the day off and went with me to visit Mom.  I wasn’t sure if he would because he finds it very difficult to be with her, he can’t really carry on a conversation with her.  She has been having trouble with her knee, so she has been in the wheelchair – but Judy has her use the walker to go into the tv room.  Today she was sitting in the chair, her walker near her.  So she must be doing better.  She is always ready for chocolate and cookies, I had 2 different kinds of chocolate this time.  As we were walking over from the church parking lot, Eddie said he didn’t want to stay very long.

We were there about half an hour and Judy was outside on the phone, so I couldn’t tell her we were leaving.  I went around the back door but she wasn’t outside, she was just inside the door.  She was concerned about me because we hadn’t stayed long – I told her it is hard for Eddie to see her that way.  She is so understanding and kind to me, it started my tears gathering in my eyes.  And the nicer she is to me, the more I cry.  It hit me and I was feeling upset.  I went back to the car and decided I would just feel the feeling, feel the sensations.

I can’t really describe how I was feeling,  upset is the best I can do.  So I just decided this is what I am feeling in this moment, not judging it good or bad, or criticizing or beating myself up about it.  I decided to speak my truth, though mostly it was inside me rather than telling Eddie.  It was uncomfortable to feel like that, but that was how I felt.  I felt tears spilling down my cheeks and I let them fall.  I thought about the gift in it, at that moment I didn’t see any gift.  I called on Mother/Father God, my angels, archangels, master teachers, ascended masters, spirit guides, over lighting divas and all who were there for my highest good to help and guide me to see the gift.

As I was working through it, I realized the gift was I felt my feelings and the sensations without judgment or beating myself up – just allowed them to be what they were in that moment.  Usually I will do something or go somewhere so I don’t have to feel or think about what I am feeling – not always the best idea.  It feels as if it is another step to awareness – they aren’t always comfortable or enjoyable steps, but they are necessary.

I told Judy I have had several people tell me that I will be grateful I did this for Mom – she said that was so very true.  Right now it is a bit difficult for me to see this because often I want to run away and not have to deal with it.  I also know I couldn’t live with myself if I did – I keep thinking how she has always been there for me and my sisters and it is my turn to do it for her.  I never want her to feel she has been abandoned.  I spoke to an intuitive a few weeks back and she told me my Dad’s Spirit is still here, waiting until Mom finishes what she needs to complete.  She said he is very proud of me.

It’s better now, though there is a heaviness and some draggy feelings.  The gift comes in unexpected ways, or is itself different from what I thought it would be.  Sometimes I expect things to show up in a certain way or form, when it doesn’t, I am disappointed.  I have a much easier time now just giving it to God and saying “However shows up, whatever works for me”.  I have finally learned that when I  say it has to be a certain way, I limit the Universe and miss out on all kinds of possibilities.

I also have some things to resolve with Mom, I plan to have a reading with the intuitive to see what is left unfinished.

Stubborn – Another Viewpoint

April 12, 2013

Since I wrote the post on stubborn, I have learned a few different ways of looking at it from other angles.  My sister Candy sent me this after reading the post:

“Perhaps stubborn could also be strong with the ability to hang in there. That’s the positive flip side and that’s what I have seen you do in the last few years, especially with all you have gone through helping Mom and healing from the hip and making huge changes spiritually. There’s always a flip side to the negative. Julia Cameron has an exercise where you take the negative labels and turn them into their positive opposite. I don’t see you as a victim, but a victor. You are empowering yourself by changing your limited thinking for new ideas and new ways to look at old situations. And that takes a bit of stubbornness and strength to do that in spite of all the doubts and people who do not support you in the changes you are making.”

I heard someone on the radio yesterday illustrate stubborn as not listening to one’s inner self.  She was working as a nurse in an Alzheimer’s facility and kept hearing “Go to Evergreen Hospital”. She kept putting it off until she broke her wrist rollerblading. She decided to go just for the heck of it, they hired her as an oncology nurse on the spot and were also willing to wait 6 weeks while her wrist healed.  It is knowing something to do that will make a difference but putting it off for every reason that one can think up.

I know I need to clean out my office and not only organize it but also throw things away that no longer serve me.  I know I  have a pack rat mentality; I come by it honestly from my parents.  I realize I keep waiting to have energy to do it, something that is taking a long time to arrive.  The practical part of me says I need to just start small and the energy will come.  The other part of me keeps saying how tired I am and I just want to sleep.  The negative part of me seems to be the louder voice – it takes more practice to listen and pay attention to the positive voice.

I also need to clean out the house, now that my Mom no longer lives here, and make it our home with our furniture, etc.  Talk about a daunting task!  My husband and I keep saying we will do things after the kitchen is done.  But I also realize we have to clear out the kitchen of everything in all the drawers, cabinets and pantry.  My positive and negative voices are shouting at each other.  Positive says most of it needs to go; the negative side says we might need it later so it is better to keep it.  Yes, I know I have to decide which voice to listen to in spite of knowing both sides have some good reasons.  I don’t want to expend the energy to reenforce more of the positive  voice,  though I know  the good points of the negative voice.

I keep saying to myself and focusing on how tired I am and how little energy I have at this point.  Certainly I know those negative messages keep piling up and definitely keep me feeling tired.  It’s looonnnnnng past time to change my thoughts and focus to  being ” wide awake, full of energy and ready to go”.  I have noticed the sunshine helps lift me to have more positive thoughts and feel energy.   Instead of just waiting for the energy to come, I know it is important to make different choices.  Yet it feels as if it takes too much energy and effort to start it.  So here I sit, knowing it is my choice to do what is required and not really doing anything about it.

The positive of all this is that I may actually be changing my thoughts and focus already, it may just be slower than I want it to be.  I tend to want visible, measurable change rather than waiting for the gradual change to be noticeable.  I am feeling that way about Orencia – I had my 3rd infusion on Tuesday but there doesn’t seem to be a discernible difference, just bits of well-being occasionally.  Is it stubborn or just impatience?   Seems this is still a developing  process – it will be interesting to see what else shows up to show other kinds of stubborn.

Lee Proposes, God Disposes

January 3, 2013

I had planned to write a blog post 2 1/2 weeks ago called “The Bears Have It Right”.  I had decided to take the last two weeks in December off just relaxing – hibernating, so to speak –  doing what I wanted, writing blog posts as well as in my journal.  I needed some quiet time to rest and recuperate from this last quarter of the year.  Unfortunately I came down with the flu and have been coughing, blowing my nose, losing my voice and dealing with a sore throat.  If I had been in any mood to write, it would have been to whinge about how badly I felt and chronicle in detail the day my throat felt as if there were thorns in it – made swallowing, sneezing and coughing very uncomfortable.  Then I would have complained the day I had a horrendous headache – all of which would have been against my rule of No Whingeing.  So that is why you have not seen a blog for  2 1/2 weeks.  To make the whole thing more interesting, Eddie came down with it as well about a week after I did.  What a pair we have been.  There are times when I think God has a very peculiar sense of humor – last time I needed a break, it was a broken hip rather than two weeks at a spa as I had imagined it.

So here I am in January 3rd, feeling a whole lot better, though still with the stuffy runny nose and cough.  I am beginning to feel more human again – boy does that feel good.  I am still lying low this week to see if I can get over it all as much as possible before starting the new year.  I am happy to say I have been sleeping well for a while, though I still don’t feel rested.  But I think I am working through the fatigue of this year and last by going down layer by layer.  It has been a very different Christmas this year, the first time we have been on our own.  We always came to Seattle for Christmas with Mom and Dad and my two sisters – didn’t seem like Christmas otherwise.  The only decoration we put up were the cards that arrived – thank goodness Eddie was on the ball sending ours.  Christmas Day we went over to see Mom and bring her a box of goodies.  We also brought Candy’s gifts with us since she sent them to the house.  She was pleased to see us, even though we were both feeling terrible.  They had all been given gifts – John gave Mom a large teddy bear – she really likes it and cuddles it a lot.

I wanted to give the others in the house a gift, so I bought handkerchiefs for John and Wendell, a plush bear for Jennifer because she keeps admiring Mom’s and has said she wished she had one.  I gave Monique and Jan each a bone china mug and scarves to Didi, Judy and Susan.  I appreciate their caring for Mom and  being there for her.  Mom is often confused and has been having trouble sleeping at night.  To counteract that, she sleeps a lot in the day.  They have a new med to help her sleep at night but it hasn’t kicked in yet – it may take a couple of weeks.  One day I went to see her and she was sound asleep – she had not slept well the night before.  Another day she had just gotten up – it was about 1:30 in the afternoon.  She seems to be more forgetful when she is timed and they are beginning to see her feisty, irritable side now.  When I saw her yesterday, she was very upset and wanted to go home, I think more likely her mother’s house, though she did say she wanted to live with me again.  Part of it is not sleeping well and part is the dementia, it was upsetting to be there.  This is definitely the hardest part of the disease.  I talked to Judy about it and she helped me to understand about it a little more.  I have to remind myself her perception is not always a true one.

2012 has been a challenging year for a lot of people, not just me.  What I would rather do when I look back over the year is to see the gifts in it.  Although it has been difficult taking care of Mom and then finding a place for her to live, plus all the balderdash applying for Medicaid, I am realizing I can ask for help as well as step up to plate and deal with what comes.  I have realized that a lot of my childhood programs have been hitting me in the face so I finally have begun to recognize them.  One was “Don’t ask for help, don’t bother or burden others”,  I am listening to my older sister’s advice of “Ditch it, girl”.  With the broken hip, I had a break from Mom and home, though not quite as I pictured it.  But it gave me a chance to have time on my own where the focus was on me and what I needed.  It also gave Eddie a chance to see what I had been dealing with all those months.  Yes, I still had to deal with stuff for Mom on the phone, but I could forget about it for a while as I was doing therapy and sleeping – not a lot of energy or interest for anything else.

I suspect I will be able to see the gifts better as time goes on, it isn’t always apparent at the time.  I see 2013 as a new beginning, though I am not sure what it will be or how it will show up – I look for what is for my highest good, what works no matter what form it appears.

Things Are Looking Up

October 28, 2012

This has been a better week, I am starting to sleep better, so I must have rested enough to sleep.  I still have those nights, but it is slowly getting better.  Thanks to my chiropractor and my massage therapist, my shoulder and neck pain is a lot better than it was.  I had a great massage session because I was able to release the pent up emotions in my chest and abdomen, I have no idea what they are specifically and apparently it isn’t always necessary to know the details.

The most positive thing this week was my visit to Mom on Wednesday – she was doing well and said she liked it there, the people were good to her and she didn’t ask how long she had to stay.  They all really like her there and yesterday Eddie and I went over with a cake for the house.  Kathy suggested it and I am so glad she did.  We bought one of the Panera Cinnamon Crumb cakes and every one had a piece, with some left over for another time.  Mom has said several times that she thinks Eddie doesn’t like her, so this helps dispell that notion.  I’m glad we went.  She does keep asking about her parents, do I know where they are.  I have to tell her I don’t know, then she will ask if they are dead.  I say yes, they are watching over you and preparing a place for when it is your time to go.  She keeps saying she wants to go now, so I don’t have an answer for that.  I was also pleased to hear from Jan, one of the residents, that they love having her there.  I was also glad to hear Kathy came to visit as well.

So now it is time to fill in the forms for Medicaid, when we pay December’s payment, there won’t be much left in her checking account.  It takes 6 to 8 weeks to apply , so it looks as if it will be mid December before I find out.  I have been working on filling out forms, finding papers or making changes to others – will the paperwork never end?  I am going to ask Denise, our social worker to look at the forms, etc. before I send them in to make sure they are right.

As for the house, we want to redo the kitchen, so we are applying for a loan that will cover the remodel and the home equity loan.  If Mom isn’t accepted for Medicaid, we will have to sell the house and use the money to pay for her support.  So we are taking things one day at a time – God has already created the solution, we don’t know exactly how it will show up.  We may have to go to Plan B – whatever that is.  Somewhere I heard of a book title called “Living With Uncertainty”.   Wonder what the author recommends.  Right now it is just working on the things that need to be done now, then look to the next step.  Ain’t Life a kick in the head!

This blog sometimes is the strangest thing – I find I want to write pages and pages and other times I sit her and struggle to decide what to write about next.  I seem to have come to a standstill right now, I had so much I wanted to write when I was having trouble with neck and shoulders.  I keep thinking it is because I am still so tired, yet I know I can’t be  using that for all the things that I still haven’t accomplished.  I will admit to still getting used to being in the house with just the two of us.  It is so nice not to have the time limits any more, that I can get up and go early with Eddie when I want.

I am at a point where I need to decide what direction I want my business to go.  I am not sure, plus I have some other things I want to check out as well.  I know it is important to know where I am going and what I am meant to do, but I have been thinking this is not quite the time to decide, not while I am still resting.  How strange to think it is now MY time, I have spent so much of my life focusing on other people, it feels odd to think about myself.

A New Beginning

October 20, 2012

I have no idea what to call this post, it feels as if it has been a very long time since I was able to write about what’s been happening.    Maybe something will come to me as I write.

On the 11th of October I moved my Mom to an adult family home – I could not have accomplished it without Kathy’s help.  Mom left for the Center , then Kathy came over around 10.  She ran 3 loads of wash so everything would be clean for Mom as she started out in her new home.   Kathy knew what to pack and did a lot of it.  Most everything was labeled except a few things and ready to go.  I am not sure what I was doing, only that I was busy and time was passing by very quickly.  I think I spent time making inventory lists – except my mouse was losing battery power so it took so much longer as it disconnected and then reconnected.

By the time we were ready to leave, it was after 1.  We put things in both cars – Kathy was able to put Mom’s white chair in her car.  That way Kathy would have her car when she wanted to leave.  As we unpacked the cars, I realized it was getting near time to pick up Mom; Kathy, Didi and the caretaker Judy helped unpack while I went over to pick up Mom.  I was concerned about how Mom would take to the move – she had been fine with it when I told her Sunday night when she initiated the conversation.  So I decided I would just take it as it came and not anticipate negativity.

When I went to the Center, I couldn’t find Mom, she had gone walkabout.  Apparently she gets a bit restless about that time of day and they take her for a walk around the facility.  So we found each other and we went to the car.  We were fine until it seemed a long time to her – she wanted to know where we were going.  I told her we were going to the new home we talked about.  She did seem to think it was a long way away – from West Seattle to DesMoines is a bit far.  I told her Kathy was waiting for her, she had helped fix up her room.  On the whole it worked out very well.

I will admit to being exhausted by then, so tired I couldn’t see straight.  Kathy had to leave to get some sleep because she was working all night.  I stayed a bit longer, then said goodbye to Mom – they took her to see John’s cat in his room, so I don’t think she noticed I left.  I was feeling a bit faint when I got home – I hadn’t had time for lunch – not a smart move.  Eddie took me out to dinner and I felt better after something to eat.  I thought I would go right to sleep because I was so tired – not that night.  I think I was too tired to sleep plus I was uncomfortable as well.  So I didn’t have much sleep that night, getting up at 4 to go with Eddie wasn’t a big deal.  I was spending the day at Olympus Spa by myself and just sit and soak, have tea and lunch there.  After awhile in the 104 degree pool I was feeling really good, I had trouble keeping from falling asleep.  After awhile I went into the lounge room and used the foot massager for awhile on both feet – boy, that was great too.

Then I went into the tea room and enjoyed some jasmine tea and lemon rooibos – sat and read – unfortunately I forgot my book in the car.  That was okay, they had magazines.  The next time I do it, I am going to take a notebook and write.  I went back to the pool for a bit longer until it was time for lunch.  One thing I noticed that concerned me, my hip scar and that area was sore – maybe too long in hot water.

I had a lovely lunch the went back for a little more tea.  After a bit I decided to do the foot massager again but they were all being used.  I was having trouble staying awake, so I got dressed and went out for some fresh air.  That helped and then went back up to the Future of Flight.  I was glad to see several people up there, it has been many months since I was last there.  Did called to let me know how Mom was doing, then talked to Mom – she asked if she could stay there and I told definitely she could.  Then Eddie was ready to go home and I slept off and on all the way home.  We had dinner and went to bed early.  Now that night I slept very well.

I did not expect this drag my ass tired, I figured tired but not this much.  Several people have said I have had a very emotional upheaval and shift – I am not sure what all that is.  To be honest, I don’t know what I feel nor does it seem to have sunk in yet.  I am just going from one day to the next until I feel more rested.  I’ve had some days or periods when I was feeling a bit rested, then back to tired again.  The last few nights I have been sleeping better – last night, not so much.  Fortunately there aren’t any things that need my immediate attention and study.  Rest is foremost on my agenda right now.

Moving Day That Wasn’t

September 12, 2012

When I went to Breakfast Club this morning, it was Moving Day for Mom to her adult family home.  I had spent yesterday creating lists of what she will take and getting some things ready.  Kathy came over this morning to help me choose her clothes and I got to use my permanent marking pen to put Mom’s name on the labels of her clothes. Kathy did laundry so everything was clean and ready to go.  She came by yesterday afternoon to have Mom pack a suitcase so she would feel she had a part in the process.  At the time Kathy left, she had some questions that I needed to ask Jas today.

I called Jas and asked the questions and she answered them for me.  Then she told me a situation had come up about  one of the requirements from Providence.  She was checking on it and would let me know.  I called Denise, the social worker, to see what she knew and what was happening.  I must admit, it really upset me that  there was a glitch that looked as if moving wasn’t going to happen – I might even have to start from square one again.  I felt like crying and Kathy said to just let it out – so I did.  There is still some left but I think I got a lot of it out then.  There is disappointment, let down, upset, frustration and  I am not sure what the emotion is about not having my life back after all.  I will admit to counting down the days and thinking last night it was the last night Mom would sleep here.

Kathy suggested we go out for lunch because I needed to get out of the house.  As we were leaving, Jas called and said she was going to take care of the requirement fully.  I said that was great, that we could do the move next Tuesday or Wednesday when everything was verified  by the social worker.  That way it isn’t a hurried situation.

I was thinking this morning that it was in God’s hands, whatever works.  It was a little hard to remember that when the glitch surfaced.  I got into a panic and thank goodness Kathy was there to calm me down and it is only a glitch.   I did do a few “God help me!” while setting an intention of surrendering, allowing and being willing.   The good part about it is that we have decided what to pack for her, so that is done.  I have gotten most of the items labelled, though some present a challenge.  So I will have to work out how to label those in the next week or so.  The other thing is that if I had to go looking again,  I have a much better idea of the kind of place I want for Mom.

Since all of this came to a head about noon time or later, it throws an spanner in the works for me.  Sheila who assigns caregivers didn’t think she would be able to have one for tomorrow morning because it is short notice.  She isn’t sure about Friday either and she will check to see if Aster can come Sunday and  someone for Sunday.  Also, Eddie is coming home from 3 days in Spokane, about the time Mom will come back from the Center.  Two people need to be picked up and there is only one of me.  So I will collect Mom from the Center tomorrow, come home and wait for Eddie to call and then the two of us will pick him  up at the airport.  He called late this afternoon and was very surprised when I told him the two of us would be there to pick him up.

If no one shows up tomorrow, I have to be here until the van comes, but I have some business for Mom I need to take care of before my massage.  And I AM NOT going to cancel my massage, I have had to cancel too many things lately to take care of things for her.  This is for me and I so need it!

It has been an emotional roller coaster all day, I am ready to sleep, I just hope I can and not oversleep tomorrow.  I did this morning but was still on time for Breakfast Club.  Mom has been asleep since at least 6 – not sure if she will be up wandering around later or not.  Yes, this too will pass.  There is a purpose, a gift and a lesson in all of this, right now I am too tired to look for it.  It will all reveal itself at some point.  The one thing Kathy said was that I dodged a bullet.  Suppose I had moved her there and she had settled in, then had to take her out because a glitch happened.  That would be so much harder for Mom, I am not sure if she would transition a second time.  Strangely enough, Mom hasn’t asked about moving, she kept asking where her mother is – this is something new, asking about one or both parents.  Too bad I don’t have a good answer for her.

Now Mom Knows

September 11, 2012

SUNDAY

I just realized the post I wrote yesterday was still only a draft – I was sure I published it.  Well, now it is published for all the world to see.

I must admit, I have been dreading to day because I needed to tell Mom about the new home – I didn’t think she would be too happy about it.  Yesterday I talked to Kathy on the phone about how to approach it and she gave me some very good suggestions.  I had been wondering what to say and worried about how she would take the news.  I realized, at least in my head, that I needed to give it all to God, my spirit guides, angels and master teachers as well as Archangel Michael to help Mom have peace.  So I  had to really talk to myself about it, to release all the worrying and over analyzing, to just let it all go.  I truly had to put it in their hands for them to give me the words, actions, attitude, thoughts, etc. to tell Mom.  I had to not only just show up and get out of the way in my head – it had to be in my heart as well.  Strangely enough, I was fairly calm, though had trouble going to sleep last night.  I kept thinking about Mom, the things I could say, how she might react – second guessing about things that hadn’t even happened.  So I decided I needed something else to think about, so I switched to quilting – that actually did it for awhile.

When I got up this morning she was very confused, asking if this was her parents house, etc.  She ended up go in and out of bed 2 or 3 times – I was feeling anxious because I wanted to “get it over”.   But I knew that was only for my benefit, this had to be  about Mom and when the best time  would be for her.  So I waited until she was fully awake, dressed and had had breakfast.  Then I sat her down at the dining room table to tell her.  I mentioned the house she had stayed for a couple weeks and the lady there, Lucy; not really but that didn’t matter.  I told her I had found another home for her, a real house with a large yard, a place to be outside when it is nice and  how pretty it is.  I said the lady who owns it met her at the Center and talked to her; thought she was sweet and made her laugh.  She liked Mom so much she has invited Mom to come and live in her home.  I mentioned a little dog who loves people that comes to visit and there are some other ladies there.  She wanted to know when and I said on Wednesday.  I feel as if I had smacked her in the face, she seemed a bit stunned.  So far she isn’t angry, though she wonders how she is going to be able to do it all.  I told her I would take care of it for her.

I called Kathy and told her I had told her and she seemed to take it well.  Kathy planned to come over and visit, bring lunch for the two of them.  After I hung up, I made phone ring and pretended it was Kathy and told Mom she was coming to visit.  Mom was delighted because she really likes Kathy.  She stayed for about an hour or more, Aster and I were in the office talking.  So far Mom hasn’t said much, maybe she is trying to process it.  We’ll see what happens.

TUESDAY

Mom didn’t say anything about moving to her new home, though Monday morning when I told Helima it would be her last Monday because Mom is going to a new home, Mom seemed confused.  So I just reminded her we had talked about it the day before and she  just said “Oh”.  Then  yesterday afternoon and evening she asked if she is going somewhere and when.  She seemed okay with it – I still don’t know how much has registered.  Kathy is coming to help today and tomorrow – I think having her will reassure Mom.

As for me, I am so tired and dragged out, I find everything takes so much energy and effort.  I did go to my caregiver support group yesterday afternoon – I think I have a difficult time, but the others have so much more to deal with than I do.  I did make an appointment for a massage with Debye on thursday morning, then I need to pick up Eddie in the afternoon.  Friday I want to meet Charlotte and accept her generous offer of the weighted baby doll – other than that, I don’t know.  At the moment I haven’t planned ahead, just want to sleep.  I know things will look different when I am more rested.

Someone’s Life In My Hands

September 2, 2012

It is scary to realize I have to decide the direction my Mom’s life will take.  It is a big responsibility and I want to do what is best for her and for us.  My biggest fear is making the wrong decision about what adult family home will be her new home – I know it has to be done and I am looking for the place that is the right fit for her.

The program I enrolled her in at Providence has done a great job of providing so much – a day center to interact with other people, all her medical care, supplies, help in finding a place for her, pharmacy – it is a great program.  I have gone to see three adult family homes, the first was okay but had a lot of drawbacks even though the owner is known for her patience and good care of dementia patients.  The second is a good potential place, still some questions to answer.  The third was okay but a bit far out from us and not quite as nice as the second.  However, the woman who owns it is good with dementia patients where the second is a somewhat unknown quantity.  But I need to look at others and let’s face, labor Day weekend is a bit difficult to find people home.  I have looked through the list and made notes, so I now have to at least drive by and see how they look.  Some have a picture of the front, but not necessarily very clear or angled for a proper look.  I also used the satellite photos as well, I could see fairly close and tell if they have a back yard, how big the house is, etc.

This all makes me very uncomfortable, I know being uncomfortable means out of my comfort zone, stretching and learning; I’ll be honest, I would rather have someone else do it.  But it is my responsibility and I need to make sure it works for Mom.  I feel as if I am between a rock and hard place – it’s getting very difficult to have her living here but it is difficult to work on the process of finding her a place to live.  I get that tickle of fear in my stomach and want to be anywhere but here.  Yet I know God has already created a solution that works and I am working on letting go and allowing the solution to emerge.  It isn’t easy because I keep obsessing about the whole thing because I don’t want to “get it wrong”.  I feel sharp pains on my left side from my spastic colitis  as I think about what to do and where is best.

My life would be a lot easier and less stressful with Mom in an adult family home.  I can’t give her the care she needs and to be honest, I don’t have any patience left.  I have to cancel my life to accommodate her or to do the things that are necessary – doesn’t leave much time for my life.  My business is down the tube because of it – though the broken hip didn’t help either.  She goes to the Center 4 days a week, but that doesn’t leave me a whole lot of time to do much.  And if she isn’t ready for the van, as happened last week, I had to take her over – there went my day alone because I also needed to talk to the social worker.  By the time I got home, I only had time for a nap.

I am at the end of my energy, I am tired physically all the time and as for mentally and emotionally, I am so weary and getting close to the end of my rope.  It is very energy and time consuming even with care givers here, I couldn’t do it without then. I tell them every time how much I appreciate what they do and thank them for being here – I also had quite an education when I was in rehab.  I told all the caregivers thank you and how much I appreciate every thing they do.  After a bit I would ask if they were tired of hearing me say it; most often they said they weren’t tired of hearing it, it made up for those who never said anything.

I have started reading a book called “Contented Dementia”, recommended to me by my caregiver counselor.  Yes, I have one and we met last Wednesday.  I have seen her several times, her job is to be there for me and help me understand what is happening as well as solutions to situations I don’t know how to handle.  She thought this book would help me especially in understanding more about what is going on as well as how to answer some of those questions Mom asks and I don’t know how to respond.  Lately, Mom has asked about my Dad and was really upset and unhappy when I told he was gone – it was as if she had not heard the news before.  Wow! does that make me feel terrible!  She now asks where her parents are, so I am learning to say they are here.  If she asks where they are, I tell her they a far away.  She has asked me where my mother is – the first time I told her she is my mother.  You would have thought I had hit with a cattle prod because she looked so shocked.  Now I have learned to say my mother is at home.  If Mom asks where, I just say she lives close by.

Every day is different and I wonder what the day will bring – something funny, a question I don’t know how to answer, her stubbornness and refusal to take a shower or change her clothes or not wanting to go to the Center.  All I want is some peace and quiet.

Farther Into The Thin Places

August 12, 2012

Yesterday morning when my Mom got up, she asked me who she is.  It happened a couple of weeks ago and it really surprised me.  I know she doesn’t always know who I am, but she has always known who she was.  She is the most confused in the morning when she wakes up; later in the morning it is better but not always.  The other thing she said was she didn’t think she was in the right place – where the right place I have no clue.  I told this is her place right now and after going through a couple of times, she seemed okay.  At least she didn’t do her “never mind, forget it” routine.  There have been days when she seems to have one foot in this world and one in the next world, what my sister Candy calls the thin places.  Every day Mom goes more and more into the thin places – she wants so much to be on the other side with Dad, Josie the cat and her family – she is scared they really aren’t there.  My friend Monty told me they are preparing a place for Mom and because she will be confused at the beginning, she will have guides to help her through the transition.  I have told her this, she wants to believe it so much but I don’t know what scares her so much.

I have watched this very independent (and stubborn) woman become so tentative and afraid, asking permission to do anything.  She once said she used up all her courage to fly from Connecticut to California to marry my Dad right after Pearl Harbor.  I wonder if that was really true.  What I also realize is that is one of my childhood programs.  We were always taught to ask permission first before doing anything – except my younger sister was the one who at time would announce she had done such and so.  Where did that come from?  How did I miss that?  I definitely was brought up to be a good girl, follow the rules, ask permission, etc.  No wonder I have had a hard time trusting myself and following my heart.  I didn’t listen to my heart because it was different from what I learned at home.  Let’s face it, I wanted to be accepted, acceptable while not having the courage of my convictions.  Ye Gods & Little Fishes!  At 65 I am still that way in some things but I am breaking out of my shell and taking risks.  Well, risks for me.

I also notice how negative Mom has become.  She doubts everything and is convinced the worst possible scenario will come to pass.  She just left for a walk with the new caregiver and I said she didn’t need to take the house key, that I would be here and the house would be open.  She doesn’t think so.  Not sure what she thinks will happen but I suspect having the door key makes her feel more secure.  I am not going to try to persuade her to leave the key here, it isn’t going to make a difference but she will feel better having it.  I have grown up with that negativity from the time I can remember, but it has intensified so much the past few years.  I really see now how much I have absorbed that thinking for most of my life, now I am finally much more aware and recognize more often.  No, it’s isn’t all the time but I have also changed my thinking.  In the morning before I get out of bed, I thank and give gratitude to God, my Spirit Guides, Angels and Master Teachers for all I have been blessed with – comfortable and uncomfortable.    I will admit it isn’t whole-hearted yet – those uncomfortable  ones aren’t quite there yet.  I am a work in progress.

I also notice Mom tends to mumble and talk about things that make no sense, not even sure they make sense to her.  More and more I don’t know what she is trying to say, only that she gets frustrated and upset she can’t get the words out.  Then she goes straight to “never mind, it doesn’t matter!”.  She talks about other people in the house, I don’t know if they live here or just visit or if she sees them or only senses them.  She is confused a lot about who I am, yesterday she thought I was her sister.  She thinks Eddie is her father, my father, her husband – I wonder if it is because he is the only male she sees consistently.

I often wonder where my Mom is and who is this confused and scared woman living with us.  She looks like Mom but not much resemblance other than that.

My Story About The Transition

July 15, 2012

I never know where my posts are going to come from or who may give me a suggestion; any more than I know where or how they will end.  This is one of them.

When I saw Dr. Cheryl, my chiropractor – she is a post in itself – on Monday, she asked about my week and I ended up talking to her about Mom.  I said Mom was scared about leaving this life and going on to the next step – she wants so much to believe Dad and Josie are there waiting for her but is afraid it isn’t really true.   Cheryl suggested I make a story about the transition, with colors, smells, sounds, etc.  Then tell it to Mom and see if that would make her less scared.  My first thought was “What in the world would I create?”.  Not quite the usual response “No, I can’t do that”.  Strangely enough I pictured the ocean and a beach with a huge pile of rocks that looked as if she would have to climb them all in order to reach Dad and Josie at the end of the beach way in the distance.

As I began thinking more about it, I pictured her warm and comfortable in her bed, the covers making her feel cosy and secure.   Then a golden presence comes to fill and surround her with deep, unconditional love and a knowing she is loved because she is.  There are two guides to help her with her confusion, gently guiding her to being fully awake and  knowing the golden presence is real.  (I was listening to the radio an few days later and someone mentioned the rainbow bridge, so I added that to it.)  As they take her hand, Mom is feeling a little less scared and the three of them slowly move through the white light to the rainbow bridge.  On the other side of the bridge – that transition to the paragraph below hasn’t quite materialized yet.  Any suggestions are certainly welcome!

Then Mom and her guides are on the beach with the ocean waves hitting the sand , a very soothing and relaxing sound  Mom is noticing as she has been walking that she fees lighter, her body is beginning to be more comfortable and the depression has started to clear.  She hears the gulls crying above, flying in circles above her looking for food and enjoying the feeling of soaring.  The sun is warm on her back and the white clouds above look like huge puffy cotton balls.  A lovely cool breeze ruffles her hair and she finds herself enjoying feelings she had forgotten had existed.  She sees rocks coming up – a huge pile with sharp edges that looked as if she would have to climb them all in order to reach the other part of the beach where Dad and Josie are waiting for her way in the distance.

I thought of the rocks as a sort of maze, that her guides would take her to the rocks and instead of climbing over them, there was an opening no one else could see, that took her on a lovely sandy path through the rocks.  The sand sparkled as if it was made of diamonds and at each bend in the maze was a corner with a wonderful glow, each a different color.  There would be something there that when she picked it up, she would know one more piece of the puzzle.  With each piece, she would become more sure of herself and the way to meet Dad and Josie – that it is all true and not just a yearning.

 That’s it so far.   One Friday I went out to sit on the porch and enjoy the evening sunshine – Mom came out with me for awhile.  I had my eyes closed because I was facing the sun; behind my eyelids the light was glowing yellow/white, but it wasn’t harsh, it was gentle and lovely.  Some how the subject came up about making the transition, so I said I had made up a story about it – just how I pictured it.  So I told her – not as much detailed as I have written here because it is work in progress – how it came to me and she thought I had a wonderful imagination.   Whether any of it stuck with her, I have no idea, it just felt as if God had given me an opportunity and  maybe there will be another one so I can add the details.  Who knows, it is always one minute at a time, one step at a time no matter how impatient I am.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

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