Posts Tagged ‘focus’

Stubborn – Another Viewpoint

April 12, 2013

Since I wrote the post on stubborn, I have learned a few different ways of looking at it from other angles.  My sister Candy sent me this after reading the post:

“Perhaps stubborn could also be strong with the ability to hang in there. That’s the positive flip side and that’s what I have seen you do in the last few years, especially with all you have gone through helping Mom and healing from the hip and making huge changes spiritually. There’s always a flip side to the negative. Julia Cameron has an exercise where you take the negative labels and turn them into their positive opposite. I don’t see you as a victim, but a victor. You are empowering yourself by changing your limited thinking for new ideas and new ways to look at old situations. And that takes a bit of stubbornness and strength to do that in spite of all the doubts and people who do not support you in the changes you are making.”

I heard someone on the radio yesterday illustrate stubborn as not listening to one’s inner self.  She was working as a nurse in an Alzheimer’s facility and kept hearing “Go to Evergreen Hospital”. She kept putting it off until she broke her wrist rollerblading. She decided to go just for the heck of it, they hired her as an oncology nurse on the spot and were also willing to wait 6 weeks while her wrist healed.  It is knowing something to do that will make a difference but putting it off for every reason that one can think up.

I know I need to clean out my office and not only organize it but also throw things away that no longer serve me.  I know I  have a pack rat mentality; I come by it honestly from my parents.  I realize I keep waiting to have energy to do it, something that is taking a long time to arrive.  The practical part of me says I need to just start small and the energy will come.  The other part of me keeps saying how tired I am and I just want to sleep.  The negative part of me seems to be the louder voice – it takes more practice to listen and pay attention to the positive voice.

I also need to clean out the house, now that my Mom no longer lives here, and make it our home with our furniture, etc.  Talk about a daunting task!  My husband and I keep saying we will do things after the kitchen is done.  But I also realize we have to clear out the kitchen of everything in all the drawers, cabinets and pantry.  My positive and negative voices are shouting at each other.  Positive says most of it needs to go; the negative side says we might need it later so it is better to keep it.  Yes, I know I have to decide which voice to listen to in spite of knowing both sides have some good reasons.  I don’t want to expend the energy to reenforce more of the positive  voice,  though I know  the good points of the negative voice.

I keep saying to myself and focusing on how tired I am and how little energy I have at this point.  Certainly I know those negative messages keep piling up and definitely keep me feeling tired.  It’s looonnnnnng past time to change my thoughts and focus to  being ” wide awake, full of energy and ready to go”.  I have noticed the sunshine helps lift me to have more positive thoughts and feel energy.   Instead of just waiting for the energy to come, I know it is important to make different choices.  Yet it feels as if it takes too much energy and effort to start it.  So here I sit, knowing it is my choice to do what is required and not really doing anything about it.

The positive of all this is that I may actually be changing my thoughts and focus already, it may just be slower than I want it to be.  I tend to want visible, measurable change rather than waiting for the gradual change to be noticeable.  I am feeling that way about Orencia – I had my 3rd infusion on Tuesday but there doesn’t seem to be a discernible difference, just bits of well-being occasionally.  Is it stubborn or just impatience?   Seems this is still a developing  process – it will be interesting to see what else shows up to show other kinds of stubborn.

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What Will Be My Focus?

January 1, 2011

WOW!  It is 2011 this morning and it is quite uncomfortable.  I was fine when I went to bed last night – isn’t that usually the way it starts?  I woke up in the middle of the night very stiff in sore in my thighs – must have been the cleaning out I did yesterday.  I took some Advil because it went from hip to ankle and very, very uncomfortable.  I was able to sleep until 7 – YOW! does it hurt now.  I have gotten up so I don’t keep tossing and turning and keep my other half awake and rubbed arnica gel as much as I can on the places that hurt.  Now the question is – Do I focus on it, on how uncomfortable it is and what am I going to do?  Or do I change my focus to something positive since I have done all I can to relieve it?  I keep hearing in my head that what I focus on, think about right now will be the future – well, suppose I change what and how I think?  Simple isn’t it.  It means reframing how I see things, choosing different things to concentrate on and seeing the gift in it.  That shouldn’t be hard.  Ah, the devil is in the details.  How easy to say, just change the focus – that only means changing 63 years of thought patterns in one fell swoop.

It’s actually not so dramatic, it is one thought at a time.  So out of the thousands of thoughts a day, which do I choose to change, and then what is the next one?  Here comes a program again.  A slightly resentful one that comes out of frustration and overwhelm – I don’t know where to start and it’s so hard to do it when I hurt so much.  Oh dear, here comes another one – I don’t know where to go with this train of thought, I really have nothing more to say.  I might as well quit and go on to something I have more to say that makes sense.

That happens to me a lot, I start out writing about RA or something else with a great idea, then find it peters out and I am at a loss about where to go from there.  Funny, I see a picture of myself out in an empty field, everyone has left and I am standing there alone, not knowing what happened or what to do.  It makes me feel the way I did in school, anonymous and invisible, that no one wants to play with me because I am overweight and not good at games.

I suspect that is ego trying to take and keep control, telling me I don’t know what I’m talking about and no one  wants to listen anyway.  She loves the negative, the doom and gloom so much she will do anything to keep in control.  And she is sneaky as well, I think I am more in control of things than she is and when I let my guard down, she is in there at the control board before I have a chance to take a breath.  But she won’t be obvious about it right then, she’ll do it quietly so I am not quite aware of it until I notice how negative I feel.

It  makes me realize how often it happens and how many times I have said “Why did I choose this, why didn’t I choose that other project, subject, etc?”.  It happened a lot in commercial art school in the middle of a project that didn’t seem to be going well.  That phrase “It seemed like a good idea t the time” keeps coming up quite often.  That’s how it feels now.  Well, I have changed my focus, but is it what I had in mind?  I don’t think so.  Now there’s the rub, I have a good intention but don’t always have a plan or concrete idea on how to accomplish it – especially in this realm of my life.  It is so much easier to physically get up and go do something else than it is to think something else that easily.  Hmmm, do I hear ego trying to make excuses here?  Another thing she is very good at doing.  It also occurs to me that I may sound like I have a split personality because I keep referring to ego in the third person.  Maybe in some way I am because ego is all programs and I am looking at being more positive, more Aloha – it’s too depressing with ego always in  control.  I am working on remembering to observe what is happening in those times – when I am aware of ego and observe what is happening, she has less control.

Now I wonder if I have accomplished anything with this post – it started out in a specific idea but I ran into trouble finishing it.  Maybe it is just another way for me to be more aware of what is happening in my head, my heart and to begin to recognize programs better.  There are a lot of them and I don’t think I have recognized all of them yet.  Maybe the clue is to just observe what’s happening when I am in this situation.  To see what thoughts come up and if they are familiar – I may just recognize another program.

I now realize that instead of giving up writing this post because I ran out of thoughts, I kept going and have found a small “aha” for myself through it.  I hope it is helpful to other people.  Oh dear, I can hear little digs from ego about how stupid this post is and it would be better not to publish it.  Yes I will post it!


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