Archive for December, 2010

Programs! Programs!

December 18, 2010

I did an Ike Pono weekend last week, another opportunity to see my programs in action.  I am there usually most of the weekend, though I tell them when I run out of energy, I’m gone.  They are really understanding because they know I give my best to them and the people in the class when I am there.  This particular weekend I found myself very quiet at the beginning since it is all about the group rather than me.  Part of it is that I feel I am back in my own first weekend learning the principles and doing the exercises.  The last day I was more talkative and I realized at one point I was worried I was saying too much and maybe saying something wrong.  PROGRAM!   (I always think of the guys who hawked programs at events I went to – they all had that same gravelly, almost New York sound.  I swear they went to school to be able to say it that particular way.)  I realized that was part of my fear of being wrong.  It also came from childhood when I was told “Not so loud” or said something opposite to what I wanted to say and got “that look”.  I see now I have wanted from childhood to not say the wrong thing or something stupid.  It also has to do with my perception I talk too much – yes, I know at times I can be a motormouth, I also know when I am nervous I tend to chatter.  It’s all part of being the “good girl” who follows the rules even when they sometimes didn’t make sense.

Recently another program came up, one about how I see myself and how it feels inside.  I am working on my resume to move into a new direction for my business and myself.  As I remembered the things I have done in the last 40 some years, I was amazed at the long list.  Then I had some testimonials from various sources and as I was typing them into the page, I realized there was one word that came up more often than any  other – confidence.  They all see it but why don’t I see it or feel it?  After awhile, I thought about growing up with not thinking or talking well of myself because it would be bragging or boasting.  Is it a huge leap to wonder if being confident and feeling that confidence is somehow in my mind part of boasting and and bragging?  Is that fear of being wrong mixed in there as well?  It feels as if I am putting a puzzle together and some pieces seem to fit but the loose ones still haven’t come together – I don’t have a picture as a reference to guide me.  Some days I feel I am floundering around in the dark, other days some things are quite clear.  The rest of the days I feel I am muddling through, with small “aha’s” every once in a while – makes me think I am on the right track.  Oh, there’s that word again – right, the opposite or wrong.  Or am I making too much of this one small thing.

I know that all of this is my perception of things – that if I don’t do something exactly the way someone else wants it, I’m wrong and not smart enough to do it right.  Another program rears its head.  I have to also look at what I have focused on all this time – guess what, it was on the negative and how I didn’t measure up.  Where did I stop looking at all the positives in my life, in what I have been and done?  Let’s face it, most often in an evaluation, it’s always the thinks one didn’t do well and what has to “be fixed”.  What would happen if, instead of looking at the negative, the focus is on one’s strengths and abilities – then it doesn’t have to be “fixed”.  This morning I had my left knee go “out on me again and I thought “What was so scary and unthinkable  many years ago that having pain was much more acceptable?”.  I know now I have a different outlook and view of myself than I did a while ago  – how would that situation seem to me now?  The knee is part of the side of my left leg that has been a big source of pain and limitation – when did it start and what was going on at the time?  I am more ready to examine it now than I have ever been, though I will admit to a small part a little afraid it may be harder to face than I think.  However, at this point, the thought of continuing with the pain and limitations is worse than the thought of what the core issue really is that started it all.  That is something I have noticed over the years, at some point there is choice to make and the thought of status quo is worse than the alternative.  I have often found pain is great incentive to make a change – but it has to be your decision, not being talked into it by someone who has decided what is right for you.

Something for me to ponder and  think about, I know it isn’t quite clear yet, nor do I have the “I know that I know” with a picture in my mind.  More pieces to fit into place before my puzzle is complete.  I have several puzzles in progress, it will be some time before my work is done.

Thank You YouTube!

December 5, 2010

It has been a rather odd 2 weeks for me lately.  We had snow the week of Thanksgiving and since we live over a steep hill and at the top of another one, there was no way I was moving my butt out of here.  I have been stuck on a hill in snow twice and that is 2 too many times.  My other half made it out  – who wouldn’t with an all wheel drive Volvo – but spent the next 2 nights up north in a hotel.  I missed him but very glad he wasn’t in that traffic jam called I-5.  I knew he was safe and warm in a hotel.  The snow finally melted and we had blessed rain, so I saw him back the day before Thanksgiving.  A little snow sends Seattle into a tizzy, so a lot of snow and ice sends it into orbit.

I know, what does that have to do with YouTube?  I coming to that.  I was scrolling around on Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend, I had been playing Bing Crosby, Ray Noble, Jack Hylton and Perry Como for my Mom.  She really enjoyed it because they are songs of her  young adulthood when there were big bands and part of the time she was going out with my Dad.  Later I started looking around for some crystal singing bowl videos because I have been interested in sound healing and other more holisitic practices for the RA.  I look for non-pharmaceutical ways to relieve pain and also to understand what is going on down inside of me.  I came across a series of  Chakra videos, one for each chakra.  So I listened with ear phones and wondered if anything would come of it.  Plus I know it is good to clear the chakras for well being.  The fellow who did these videos calls himself 12soundsolutions and he had one called Amethyst Singing Bowl.  It is meant to balance the masculine and feminine energies we all have.  Now I know my giving right side is quite open, but my receiving left side is not open much – reasons for that are a whole different subject.  So I figured it could hurt to have my energies balanced.

That night I slept quite well and comfortably, with only mild pain – I was amazed since I have had such pain and difficulty for the past few months.  So I listened to it again the next day, another good night’s sleep and not the miserable pain that has been so usual.  I have been listening to it every day and it am sleeping better than I have for a while.  What is going on?  I will say that since that first day, I have been so tired, falling asleep in the chair and feeling as if I am dragging myself around at times.  Last Thursday I had that “coming down with something” feeling, not sure if it is a cold or flu.  Also, after months of not having them, I had several migraines so I took a bomber each time and it was gone later.  I started taking baking soda, took Airbonne and then Friday I started in on essential oils for the impending sore throat.  Now it is a stuffy nose and more of a cold, so Tea Tree oil.  Not sure what to do next, I may end up going to my acupuncturist to get rid of the whole thing.  Yet in spite of all of that, I have slept quite well.

Now I can’t say the same for my joints, they seem to be rebelling and making it harder and more uncomfortable to walk.  I am sure my body is shouting at me to let me know something is going on – which part do I listen to first?  Yesterday I had a feeling of being boxed in – who is doing the boxing in and why?  Is there something going on in my life that I would rather hurt than face it head on?  I do have one situation to deal with that I don’t feel I have any control – well, some days that seems to cover everything in my life.  But I realize that no one ever controls anything except one thing – one’s perceptions and thoughts.  So I have to sort out my thoughts about things and decide how I want to perceive them – that I have control over!  The choice is  whether to continue on my ingrained and programmed negative or to stop to consciously shift gears and create positive perceptions.  Takes some effort to teach an old dog new tricks, but definitely possible.  I keep thinking “Why is this coming up now”?  That answer  always is because I am ready to hear it.  Just add it to the list.  The good part is that I am sleeping better at the moment.

So I will listen to the Amethyst Crystal bowl every day until the Universe sends me something else.  Thank Yo YouTube for having all those videos and a way to listen to things I didn’t know existed or I haven’t heard in a long time.  I am beginning to see Life as an adventure.  You never know who you will meet or what they have to say – like the lady yesterday in the health food store who was buying marshmallow root to brew tea because the contrails piss her off.  Go figure!  I wasn’t going to touch that one with a 10 foot pole.  Happy marshmallow root tea to her.


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