Posts Tagged ‘Writing’

Our World Has Shifted Again

March 26, 2017

I don’t have pictures to add, so I will use Ellen’s  from last year.

It’s been quite a while since I did a post – 3 months to be exact!  I have had trouble writing because my little finger on my left hand has put in extra letters and I have to keep going back to fix it.  I have finally decided on the 2 finger hunt and peck system to eliminate as much as I can.  I’ll do spell check and if there are other errors, I’d say you will be able to figure them out without any problem.

We’ve had 2 snow storms, one on the 1st of the year, the other last month.  I definitely don’t go out in snow – I did my show from home rather than risk finding myself in a ditch.  I would have been fine, it was smarter to do it from home.  I had one I had to have a rebroadcast because I lost my voice – not helpful in radio.  I feel I am getting the hang of the show after 5 months, though what seemed clear a bit ago, isn’t quite so clear.  Definitely a learning experience.

Eddie has retired for the 4th or 5th time.  Two weeks ago was Eddie’s last day with Andy – finance is not his thing and spending time at the aviation conference really brought that home to him.  He had such a great time that week – like a kid in a candy store.  He met all kinds of people and his Kaplanian Report was a hit.  He is following up on contacts, talking to people and looking to creating a new venture in commercial aviation.  We don’t know how it will show up or how it will look yet.  Eddie has decided that at this age he doesn’t have to do something he doesn’t want to do.

That also means he is home a lot more – a big adjustment for both of us.  I let him know I haven’t retired, I have my own life and business.  There also my medical life,.  Tomorrow is a cardiac scoring the cardiologist wanted me to do – on me.  I am going to see my dermatologist on Friday to check if I have to do minor MOHS surgery or not.  I opt for not.   I need new orthotics, I have a list to the right since I broke my hip and I am noticing it more as time goes on.  Maybe they will even help me clip my toenails, I am having trouble reaching as well as strength to clip.  Both of us are dealing with runny, stuffy nose and sneezing – is it sinus or allergy?  No one seems to know.  Doc Pierce would rather save the antibiotics for heavy-duty situations – that’s fine with me.  I prefer to go do the things I want to do and not spend so much time on medical.

My personal injury case is finally settled – it’s only been a year and a half.  I got money earlier and then the second one just came recently.  I called Brad to find out when he can start on the downstairs bathroom – he came by this week with ideas and a budget.  He needs to schedule the plumber and electrician, so I’m not sure when he will start.  Since there will be a new shower stall, he wants to dig up the old one and see what is underneath before the plumber comes.  So he will do that first – Eddie can still the sink and toilet but will shower up here.  Since he will probably be home, he can make the decisions for his bathroom.

We had Mr. Rooter out because the hot water went wonky.  He had to replace the elements, my bad for not draining the water heater every year.  It’s so lovely to have it working properly again.  The joys of home ownership.  I also have a new toilet seat – the other one was loose and I have a bit more bulk now, so the mix didn’t work out very well.  No more loose toilet seat.

We have had more rain in the last 3 months than all of last year.  Not sure why – it still feels like fall and winter even though the flowers are blooming.  The crocuses were out last month – it was chilly – and they bloomed their hearts out.  Then the mini daffodils are blooming and a pink Hyacinth came up from out of nowhere.  Now the grape hyacinths are showing their pretty, purple faces.  The Scillas have greenery all over the place, soon they will have lovely lavender blossoms.  The forsythia on the bank finally bloomed, they are usually the first.

The moles have been busy off and on – Eddie is sure if he leaves them alone, they don’t produce so many mounds.  Let’s face it, they haven’t helped the lawn except to maybe aerate the soil.

As you can see, not a lot of excitement or big news lately.  However, I hope to get back into the groove of writing posts again – I miss it and it helps me process things.

 

Candy sent this lovely butterfly – great finish for the post.

Thank You both for the lovely photos you send me, I love to seeing them.

 

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Taking It As It Comes

October 24, 2014

I can think of a lot of things I could or need to do, but at the moment I don’t really have the energy.  One thing I have learned is that writing it out often helps a lot, even if it is just to express it and get it out of my mind.  I look back on yesterday as a good day.  I had a great show with Dave Gagley, my attorney friend and the one who helped me so much with Mom and her affairs.  It was fun and we had a caller with a good question.  I kept it to estate planning since it is only a half hour, but I would like to have Dave on again for other things.

I had time between finishing the show and my chiropractor appointment, so I read a Dick Francis book – didn’t want to put it down until I saw how it all came together.  I did enjoy my adjustment, Cheryl is gentle but very effective.  Lately I have been stiff and sore around my clavicle girdle – that is around my back, neck and shoulders.  Guess there is still tension and stress.  I decided to have coffee and something while I read, that was enjoyable.  I was also putting off going to the funeral home to “pick up Mom and Dad”.

I took Dad’s ashes on Friday and they combined them so when I scatter them from on the Sound from a ferry, they will be together.  I also arranged for some to go to Candy, she wants to do something for them around Dad’s birthday.  It is the only physical evidence of them now, their essences are not in the earthly container any more.  It is amazing how heavy ashes are – the box and container with Dad’s was really heavy and the two together was also heavy.  I am not sure what I am feeling other than uncomfortable – yet there is no reason to be uncomfortable.  All this is new to me, I am so glad to have Dave helping me navigate the legal stuff, Char has helped a lot because she did it for both her mom and dad.  So many people have offered whatever help I need, I need to sort out how that looks for me.

By the time I got home, I was exhausted.  It was after 3, too late to have a nap.  However, I was happy to go to bed early and glad I slept well last night.  It is a kind of droopy day today and I decided to just go with it rather than push against it.  I probably would have been better off having a lie down in the afternoon, but I didn’t.  However, bed looks pretty good right now.

Back later.

 

It is a whole lot later than I planned – it’s Friday afternoon.  I have been having naps and sleeping pretty well at night – that is all to the good.  Wednesday morning before leaving for Breakfast Club, I had an email from Ellen with a Flash From the Past – she sent a photo with everything blooming.

P1030973

It makes me think of my Mom and how much she enjoyed her flowers.  I had a real lift from it and I made sure I emailed Ellen back to let her know how much I appreciated it.

When I went to Breakfast Club, I wasn’t so down and droopy.  They are a wonderful group of colleagues and friends, it is often a lift to the week.   I will say the week got better after that.  Thursday I spent at Apple learning more about Pages, though she had several new ones who didn’t know how to do it.  I mostly played around the cards and looking on the internet for pictures, etc. – I didn’t have a particular project.  I was surprised to find myself really tired, I seem to be okay in the morning and then suddenly run out of energy.  I decided to have a nap and since we hadn’t turned on the furnace yet, it was cold and I was glad to curl up in the warm cocoon of the bed and sleep or doze.

Last night we went out to Mongolian Grill for dinner, we haven’t done that for quite a while and we enjoy it.  Also, no dishes to wash.  it has been pouring a lot this week, we managed to find a break in the action to go to dinner.  Eddie has had the brunt of it going to and from Mukilteo, even hail yesterday

I decided to turn on the furnace this afternoon, three layers of wool and a layer of cotton wasn’t keeping me warm.  We thought about waiting until the 1st of November, but I just decided I had had enough of being cold and turned it on.   Blessed warmth!  If I were brought up in the UK, 61 degrees would seem quite comfortable.  I went to breakfast this morning with Judith and Juno – I almost didn’t, but figured Why not.  I enjoyed it and then went over to the funeral home to pick up Mom’s death certificates.  Suddenly ran out of energy and thought about coming home for a nap.  I ended up calling people about being a guest on my show or being a sponsor.  Not sure how any of it will turn out – it is God;s hands.

It has been the kind of week I’ve had for the past couple of weeks or so.  Still not sure what I feel or how I am doing, just working my way through what’s happening this day without wondering about tomorrow.

A Mixed Up Week

May 8, 2014

It’s been a  peculiar week, hard to remember what day it is.  I suppose it started on Sunday when Eddie left early in the morning for work and spent the night up north.  It was fun to have a day just for myself, I did work on quotes and projects for work as well as things for myself.  Then when evening came, it was a bit odd.  I have been out of the habit of  having Eddie away since we have been here for almost 12 years.  He used to be away a lot and I was used to it – I liked having things done my way for a bit.

I was able to get up on Monday in plenty of time to leave for my chiropractic appointment, do some errands and then come home to work.  But I kept mixing up my days and thinking I was missing doing something that turned out was scheduled for 2 or 3 days ahead.  I was pleased to see Eddie when he came home.

I went to see Mom and read to her, this time I pretty much put her to sleep.  I noticed that it was one of those days when she didn’t seem too sure who I was – some days she says “Hi Love, I’m so glad to see you”.  However, chocolate and cookies are always welcomed and when I said I was putting her to sleep, she told me that was fine, she liked it.  I will admit I wasn’t quite sure it was Tuesday.

Going to Breakfast Club on Wednesday morning really made the week feel proper – I would miss it so much if I didn’t go.  I left shortly after to come home, I have been putting off training on how to use my new website.  I thought it was Tuesday and Thursday, so I planned to do it last Thursday, only to find I had the wrong day.  Anyway, it was quite interesting and now I need to work on the site for real now.

I have been working on an ebook for a while now, I needed to figure out what I needed to do to make it ready to publish.  I did a One To One at Apple and found they have an app called iBooks Author that puts it in a format that can be sent to Apple.  Apparently there are other formats one needs to send it to Amazon and Barnes & Noble – I’m going to concentrate on Apple until I have it right.  Since I found how to use iBooks Author, I have been excited to see it take shape.  I have 3 other books that I want to t with it for a 4 book series in a case.  I need to check out what it takes to self publish a few books to see if it is viable.

I came to the conclusion I needed to actually do something about the book or it wasn’t going to get done.  I also know it is important to put it out there by saying it out loud, as well as on paper (so to speak).  A little scary, but I need to move out of my comfort zone and try new things, take risks.  The odd thing is, I have several ideas for books and can’t wait to do them all.  I have ben concerned about how my body would take to it physically because working on the computer has given me sore shoulders.  What I am finding is that I am doing a lot better – must be the discovery that payback pain is only a belief I have had for a long time, it is not the truth.

I don’t know how much weather has to do with how I feel or what condition my joints are in, maybe it is another of those beliefs that are no longer true.  We had 70’s and 80’s last week, a lovely day yesterday, though a bit of a chilly wind.  now we are back to MOTS – rain and clouds, etc.  Typical Seattle weather.  However, there are no tornadoes, hurricanes, etc. so I am happy to live here.  The rhodos are blooming and so spectacular.  so many flowers out and it is amazing.  The lilacs are gorgeous, some people have white and lavender lilacs, we have a lavender one and a dark purple one.   I love spring and the feeling of a new beginning.

I feel a change in myself, nothing I can put my finger on or anything specific – just a more positive feeling than I have had in a long time.  I have been reading a lot of different things and also talked with an intuitive about some things and it is beginning to make more sense.  One day I would like to be able to put it into words so it can be understood by someone else.  Until then, I continue to learn, experiment and experience different things.

Just Living Her Life

August 11, 2013

I always enjoy Ellen’s photos and one she sent not too long ago made think about my own life.

P1040505The subject line she put for this one is where my title came from for the post.

I seem to have been a loner most of my life, I didn’t feel I fit anywhere.  As an overweight child, I was teased and made fun of during my school and childhood years.  Not conducive to self-esteem and loving myself.  It often felt as if there was something missing me that the other kids had.  Never figured that out.  (No, this is not an oh-poor-me-osis post)  I had to have glasses when I was in the 3rd grade – no one else had them.  Now I see I could have perceived it as something special rather than a detriment.  It is only now in the 50’s and especially my 60’s that I am much more aware about such things.  A lot of changes in this decade of my life.

I had a few friends, but not really the “go over to each other’s houses” kind.  I saw them at school and on the bus ride home.  I remember either going to bus stop in the morning or coming home after school and there were always boys riding bikes.  I noticed they liked to ride straight toward me, I wanted to run but decided to just keep going.  Fortunately they never did hit me and I am pleased that I just kept going – maybe that was no fun for them.

I did a lot of things on my own, not usually by choice, but over the years I have learned to entertain myself.  Came in very handy when I traveled with Eddie on his business trips.  I loved reading, it is still  one of my greatest pleasures; I feel lost if I don’t have a book to read, I tend to have several books going – one in the car, one in the living room and one in the bedroom.  Sometimes I have a pile in each place.  I buy new ones but most of my car books I buy from the library – $0.50 for paperbacks and $1 for hard bounds.  It is always interesting to see what there is, sometimes a favorite author, or book, sometimes new authors or occasionally a book I was looking for quite a long time.

I liked writing but didn’t seem to create a character, mostly letters for quite a while.  I have written journals and for several years after we bought our first computer, I wrote a journal that soon had a list of people to send it.  I would write it on the computer, print it and then xerox it – that was how I learned how to work the computer.  Before that I was typing it on a typewriter.  First I borrowed Ellen’s (our upstairs neighbor) in New Jersey, then I think I bought one when we moved back to Los Angeles.  We didn’t buy the computer until we were in Atlanta.

I joined Newcomer’s clubs whenever we moved to a new place, that’s where I met most of my friends and had a social life.  When I started quilting in Atlanta, that was the one thing I could always take with me where ever I went and I would find friends.  What I mostly noticed was that my friends tended to be older women whose children were grown.  I didn’t have much in common with the younger married women because they either had kids, a job or both.  i had neither, but I had my own limitations with RA, but freedom they didn’t have because Eddie traveled.  They didn’t really understand it – their husbands had 9 to 5 jobs and always came home.

Not too long after I moved here, I had a session with an over lighting metaphysician and she told me I had chosen to do things the hard way and by myself in this lifetime.  I found that interesting and realized that most of my dealing with RA was by myself.  It wasn’t my choice but it seemed to work out that way.  I also realize a lot of that was childhood programming, “Don’t ask for help, don’t bother other people, don’t bother them”.  Now I realize I was operating that way all my life and never realized it.  I finally learned to ask for help and it has been such a blessing.  I have friends who are there for me and it doesn’t mean I am weak or telling the world my business when I ask for help.  I can’t do it all by myself, there are things I don’t have the knowledge to do and I need help.  In some ways, it is liberating.

I remember the trip to London on the QE2 and spending a few days in London with the group before they left for Ireland.  We were in someone’s room either before or after dinner and I was talking to one of the women.  She said something about “You are so  damn self-sufficient”.  How odd, since I was feeling outside the group.  A good friend once told me that I am more independent because Eddie traveled and I had to take care of things when he wasn’t around.  I never realized that before – too close to see it.

What my 60’s have brought is now knowing I don’t have to do what other people say, I don’t have to live up to their expectations and most important, my confidence and self-worth come from within rather than from validation and approval  from other people.  I am less concerned about what other people think or their opinions, but I am less judgmental and critical of them; definitely a work in progress.  I am better at seeing the positive in them and more loving towards them.  No one knows what life path they are on and what they are working through this lifetime.

I have always had to do something different, whether is has been a project, a dinner or whatever.  There are often times in the middle of it that I wonder “What was I thinking”. Or say “why didn’t I do that other idea?”.  But I kept on and it usually turned out quite well.  Maybe there is a list in there called “What I know for sure about myself”.  Oprah did that and it might be a smart idea for me to see myself in a different light.

A Huge Thank You!

May 1, 2013

I seem to spend more time reading and commenting on other people’s blogs than I do writing my own.  However, I have found some wonderful blogs and delightful people behind them.  I so appreciate them and the 41 Followers I have now.  WOW!  To me that is so cool and amazing.  When I comment on other blogs, I learn about other people and check them out.  I have also had people Like my posts and that is how I find them.  What a fascinating place the world of blogs has been.

When I first started, I wondered if anyone would be interested in reading about RA.  There were people who also were interested in my  Mom’s dementia, plus my every day subjects as well as metaphysical ones.  I am so pleased to have 41 Followers, I so appreciate each and every one of them, as well as all the ones who have liked by blog posts.  Some are in very interesting places and I have learned a lot about things and places I didn’t know anything about.  When there are pictures posted, it really brings it home to me.  Thank You all, it means the world to me.

It has also helped me cope with things, and when I write about dementia, I receive comments that help, support and uplift me.  As all the people who dealt with know, it is not easy and having people who have been through it say they understand, I know they do.  That helps so much as well.  There are so many lovely people out there.

I am following blogs as well, some subjects I have no knowledge or experience with it.  But although the situation is different, I have come to think over the years that there are some basic things we all share in living with and through a difficult situation.   There is something therapeutic about writing down what is happening as well as thoughts and feelings.  I find it helps clear it out for a while and I can see more objectively.  A good cry also helps as well as throwing a tantrum.  It is hard for me to throw a tantrum, I don’t have any experience because my parents were not willing to allow tantrums.  Even a good cry is harder than it used to be – for some reason I know feel there is someone standing next to me watching their watch.  It is as if there is a time limit and if I don’t get on the ball and start crying, time will be up for me.   Where this came from I have no idea, but it does put a damper on things.

Even better, publishing a post that is real, in many ways helps other people.  I’ve learned since my speaker days at the Connecticut Chapter of the Arthritis Foundation that I didn’t often know when I gave the basic facts (along with my own stories) who was being helped.  Sometimes I would have someone come up and tell me and that was always gratifying.  I often thought, it isn’t necessary to always know when I helped, otherwise I might get a swelled head ( childhood program) and my attitude would change and be all about me.  Then whatever it was that was working, wouldn’t any more.   I liked getting the feedback, I knew the more I just put it in the hands of the Universe and I just showed up and got out of the way,  the message would go to who needed it.  I do my best to go on about my business and trust I am helping others.

There are days when I want to write a post and can’t think of anything.  Other days I have several ideas and don’t have time to write any of them down.  Or if I written them down, when I go back to it, I can’t remember why I wrote it in the first place.  Usually I can’t find the list because I have “put it away safely so I wouldn’t lose it”.  There is a lot of that going around.  I remember one day I was somewhere and I thought of questions to ask myself – I was smart enough to put it in the back of my pocket calendar.  I have looked at it several times and wondered if anyone would really care.  So I have it and and I’m still undecided.

I still find myself comparing my blog to others and feel it is lacking (more childhood programs), the other blogs are better.  I am now better at catching myself when that happens, though some still slip by me.   It seems it has taken a long time for me to be aware – living in this time period there are so many more people, classes, etc. to help with all of it.  So much to learn, so much to explore.

So I want to be sure those of you who read, like and follow my blog know how much I appreciate all of you and thank you for a lovely and delightful compliment.

Have I Found My Voice?

January 6, 2013

From a purely physical, practical and right now this minute perspective, I now have my voice back after losing it due to flu.  There is also finding my voice to ask for what I want, say my truth (this requires a post by itself) and not allow anyone to walk all over me – take back my power.  But in this instance, it is my voice in my writing.  I honestly don’t know if I have found my voice, I just write what I am thinking and feeling, what has been happening in my life at the time or what sparks my fancy.  I started out writing about RA and finding the gift in it; then the last year or so I have written about dealing with my Mom’s dementia and how I have felt about it.

What has been very gratifying is the likes and comments about blog posts, as well as seeing there are 21 people following my blog – I treasure all of you for that.  I have also found other blogs that intrigue me and where I find information, humor and  some have the most gorgeous photos I’ve ever seen.  So many wonderful and talented people out there doing amazing work.  Thank You to all of you.

I started thinking about my writing voice because my younger sister sent me a book for Christmas called “If You Want To Write”, by Brenda Ueland.  Brenda talks about the students in her classes who had a lot of trouble writing because they thought it had to be a certain way.  When she asked them to write about a childhood experience, she was amazed at how different and wonderful their pieces were.

I have not really been able to imagine a character and a situation to write fiction, I enjoy writing about experiences and people I know – I think I have been more cut out to write essays like Andy Rooney than a novel like Clive Cussler or D.E Stevens who wrote nice English stories.   I find I don’t want to have to follow rules, just write what I want in the way I want.

Some days the blog post just comes out with no effort, I get lost in the writing and sometimes figuring out what came first so it is in sequence.  Sometimes I write, like this post, with an idea but I keep stopping to think what will come next.  I happened to look at the related articles and read through this one from KJ.  She writes well and put into words some of what is going through my mind.

Now, if I have found my voice, can I describe it in words?  Not really, but then I may be too close to it to be objective.  I tend to do that with so many things.  Is it necessary to describe it?  I wonder because if I did or could would that change everything and I would lose what I have?  My writing is very personal and I do inject myself in it.  Sometimes I  find something occurs to me when I am talking and of course say it – sometimes I make people laugh.  It is just that things just pop into my head and I talk without thinking.  Sometimes I think something is funny and I am the only laughing – well, at least one person saw the humor.

I have a tendency to say what I am thinking – unfortunately there are times when it doesn’t come out the way I mean it.  The minute I realize it, I usually say “Oops, move over foot, here comes the other!”. Or “Oh dear, that didn’t come out the way I meant it!”.  My writing is like that sometimes, I certainly hope I don’t offend people.  I also know if I worry about whether people will like the post and what I writing about, I could drive myself crazy.  Most likely never write a post again.

This is one of those posts I am struggling with a bit, I wonder if I have really gotten to the point or not.

I have just read what I have written and it isn’t as choppy and disjointed as I thought.  However, I may be better stopping while I am still ahead.  I appreciate any comments anyone might have.

Writing A Blog

May 27, 2012

The cool part of writing a blog is the freedom to write about what I want, how I feel, how I see things, etc. without having to fit any mold.  This is all about me, my life and what I am learning – a way to help others and for me to learn from them as well.  It isn’t like school or business where it has to be a certain way, meet any particular standard or fit any mold – I thoroughly enjoy the freedom from all those restrictions.  I can write about RA and my experience with it, what I have learned, what I still have to learn, all with the hope it will help me clarify things for myself and help others along the way.   After a recent post, I suddenly began to doubt myself, wondering if it was something anyone wanted to read.  I wondered if what I was writing was “right or good enough”, would it turn away the people who have been reading my posts.   I had to stop and catch myself and realize those doubts came from ego.  Then I told ego “Thanks for your concern and wanting to protect me, I choose something different”.  If I sit and scrutinize everything I write,  worrying what people might think about it, I might as well pack it in and be done with it.  I finally understand I am speaking my truth at last.

Most blog entries have a specific subject and I start in and it writes itself to the end.  Other time it is like this one, I get an idea and write a paragraph or two and then wonder where does it goes, what do I write about now.  Some things I write about may seem rather airy fairy, touchy feely, woo woo, goofball stuff – everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I find it helps make sense of what I am feeling, thinking and experiencing.  I have never really felt I fit in the regular world, not sure where I fit in, if I did.  With the personal development I have been doing, networking for business with people in alternative medicine and finding myself much more open and non-judgmental, I have found a place where I am comfortable, where I belong.  I may not know specifically what I want to do or how my life will look, but I know how I want it to feel.

I look at my life now and how it was a year ago – such  vast difference!  At this point, the focus is on my Mom and doing what’s best for her, there isn’t a whole lot of “Me time”.  Here and there I have been able to do things for me, the deep tissue massage has truly been a revelation to me.  I have always wondered about past lives and if it was true, plus what were mine like.  Several times in massage Debye has had glimpses of me as a Roman warrior.  That I was strong, powerful, confident and also imposed my will on others.  This lifetime (maybe several others) is the time to balance that karmic energy and experience.  It is not good or bad, simply an experience I chose.  I see my life this time and it seems I have had people impose their will on me; wonder how it felt to be that strong confident that Roman Warrior.  It is such a new concept for me, I am just sitting with it and letting it simmer on the back burner.

I have been putting tags on my posts – I just learned how to do it.  As I read over them, I am amazed I wrote them – I have been writing down what is happening in my life and how I have been thinking about things.  It makes me feel good to know I  am writing so well (sorry ego, I have confidence in myself rather than thinking it is bragging or boasting).   I have learned from writing down what’s happening, I hope in some way it can help others.


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