Posts Tagged ‘Ike Pono’

I Am Blown Away!!!

June 29, 2014

This is my 257th blog post – with 4 drafts – and what is more amazing are the 102 followers I now have.  That is so amazing!  I was so pleased with 25 followers and now it is 4 times that amount.   I am very grateful for all of my followers, I appreciate the comments and to know there are people who are interested in my blog.

On the slight downside, I was getting a lot more spam, but I know they just want me to approve their comment so it will show up in better stats for them.  It all gets deleted, so they have wasted all that time and energy for nothing.  Recently it has slowed down to only a few at a time – I am not interested in house appraisals and inspections in Maryland, any more than all the ones from people selling cars.  Give me a break!  I don’t write anything about any of those.

As I look back over all the posts since February 2010, I started out with mostly writing about RA; then wrote at times about Ike Pono and what I was learning about myself.  Later on I wrote about my Mom and dealing with dementia and about some things going on that have nothing to do with any of the other things.   Yet, all of it affects RA and my state of mind; how can it not?  I also have learned that it is important to find the funny side of things – if I don’t laugh about it, I go nuts.

I started thinking about all the years I have had RA, all the drugs, tests, studies, procedures I have had.  When I am in the situation, odd thoughts come to me that are a bit funny.  It isn’t as though I sat there and said to myself “What’s funny here? or what does this remind me of in the past?”.   Things just came to me.  The times I have been in the hospital, I would keep a pad with me to write down my experiences.  I wrote a journal for several years and I had requests to be put on my list to send it to them.  I realized that writing helps clear things out, help me see things a bit more clearly and there is something that compels me to write things down.

Before I came back to Seattle to live, I traveled a lot with my husband and also by myself.  I would keep my journal going and at one point, I started recording it on a cassette tape.  I found someone to type those tapes out for me – when I read the typed piece, I realized I had left out things.  I may have been a little more conscious of editing because I knew someone else would see it.  People used to tell me I had such an interesting life – reading my journals didn’t have the times of pain, depression, frustration, etc. I had at the time.  I didn’t whinge because I was tired enough of it myself, I didn’t want to write about it.  Besides, who wants to read that?

When I started this blog, one thing that was important to me was not to whinge (moan and complain) because I wanted this to be a positive blog.  I’ve read other RA blogs and they tend to talk more about how they are feeling, what isn’t working, what is – I wanted to have more ideas and solutions.  I know this kind of blogs work for some and I am glad they do.  It’s just me.  I started with the Connecticut Chapter of the Arthritis Foundation doing a support group.  When I was having problems, it was good to have other people understand.  But it felt too focused on me and how I felt, I wanted to do more with people and turn outward than continually inward.

I was asked to be the Speaker’s Bureau Coordinator and later a Self Help Course  instructor and trainer.  I really enjoyed those because I interacted with people, found confidence in speaking before people and seeing something positive happening.  I usually talked about the basic fact of Arthritis – like all things, it was personal rather than just cut and dried facts.  When there wasn’t a lot of time, my stories were the first to go.  I received so much positive feedback and it made me feel so good when someone told me I had helped them so much.  I had felt things were just negative about having RA, here was such an opposite view that surprised and pleased me.

It has not only been with the Arthritis Foundation this has happened.  I have had several people tell me I am their hero.  WOW!  I was and am just being me, yet something spoke to them.  I often wonder how many  I have helped and will never know about it – but I have decided it doesn’t matter, I’m not supposed to know.  I think we all inspire people as we go along our daily life without knowing it.  To me, that is when we are most effective.  I used to think if somebody didn’t mention it, no one noticed what was happening.  But I would remember how many times I noticed something but didn’t say anything to the person.

So, to all my followers, you are the best and I truly appreciate each and every one of you.

The 2nd Day

September 1, 2013

I planned to write this on Monday or Tuesday, amazing how things get away from me.  I had two order from clients and 3 others I am working on – I don’t remember a time when I had this many projects.  That’s where I have spent my time as well and creating the design for Eddie’s Round Up.  Then seeing Mom twice a week, doc and infusion morning Thursday and meeting a client for lunch afterwards to sign the order form.

I was telling my rheumatologist about last Saturday at the Tournament and how pleased to find the after effects weren’t very bad.  I have noticed over the years that when I have done something major (sometimes not having done anything at all) I find the day after is often pretty good – I have even had ones that were wonderful.  But there is something about the 2nd day that I have been known to crash, to be stiff, sore and miserable.  What is it about that 2nd day?  Maybe lactic acid has built up in my muscles.  What I do know is I have to wait to see how I am 2 days after the event to see how well I am doing.

I was pleased to find I was doing  pretty well Sunday – well enough to start trimming the little forsythia by the ding room window.  It had been trimmed when John and his crew took out the wisteria, sticker bush  and a few other things.  It has since sent out long branches that got to a point that I couldn’t see out the window very well.  I was careful where I stepped and did quite well, though the lower back wasn’t all that happy.  Eddie came out a little later with the big clippers for the thicker branches – together we did a good job of trimming it back.

Monday was the 2nd day and I was doing rather well.    A little stiff and sore, good thing I had an adjustment with Cheryl and a massage with Debye that day.  So I did well after seeing the two of them and just had to see how the 2nd day of the forsythia trimming would go the next day.  I was pretty good, a bit stiff in the shoulders but otherwise better than I hoped.

I remember the last weekend of Ike Pono, Saturday was Warrior Games.  I knew I had a choice to participate or just use RA as an excuse not to do anything.  I decided it was go full tilt or nothing and deal with any consequences afterwards.  I went full tilt and I was stiff and sore the next day – it does happen that way sometimes.  I was a little late on Sunday and not moving too well – I explained I decided to go full tilt and deal with repercussions later.  I had a really nice compliment from Bruce – he told me “You are someone I want in my fox hole because I know you will have my back”.

The most frustrating time is when I haven’t really done much, just taking care of myself and suddenly I am hurting and miserable.  What happened?  Did I do something?  I will admit I have not quite figured it out yet.  I do remember the first summer I was in New Jersey – my first experience with humidity.  We did have a couple of window air conditioners so it wasn’t too bad, but I was still uncomfortable.  Then in September it cooled down and was very pleasant and comfortable.  Then the 1st of October it suddenly went humid again and I felt as if I had been run over by a train.  A clue that RA and humidity don’t get along very well in my body.

I can look back now and see it in a slightly different light and wonder – what was I focusing on and was it just one of my oh-poor-me-osis times or was there actually a trigger that put all that in motion?  It is certainly easier to look back than to be in the moment feeling everything and wondering what  I did wrong.  I suspect I will continue to wonder how what I do will feel on the 2nd day, but look at it a little differently, maybe with curiosity, interest and wonder rather than feeling a victim and someone or something is out to get me.

My rheumatologist was pleased with me on thursday, my sed rate was down 2 points and I am feeling better.  Still waiting for the surge of energy, but my joints seem to be doing better and since the sed rate is down, I will go for my infusion in 4 weeks but not see her until the following one 8 weeks later.  Any time the doc spreads out the time between appointments, I know I am doing well.

These pictures have nothing to do with topic, I just thought they were adorable.  Candy took them at Lake Radnor – such a variety of things and animals to see there.


I think this was taken in the Spring not too long after the birth.


They are so well camouflaged you would have to be up close to see them.


Such an adorable face!

Thank you so much Candy, they are a pleasure to see.

The Good Girl

February 12, 2012

I was brought up to be a good girl – follow the rules, be polite and let others go first, ask for permission to do something, be self-effacing because being confident and saying positive things about myself was boasting and bragging.  There is a big long list, you get the drift.  I am not saying this was all bad, just that some parts I have carried over my whole life without realizing they aren’t necessarily to my advantage any more.  The three of us girls had rules and they were always reinforced when necessary.  As a kid, that was good thing because we tested the limits to make sure they still held – it gave us security and stability.  As an adult, I hear Dr. Phil in my head – “How’s that working for you?”.  I look back at my life over 60+ years and I realized I have spent my life asking for permission to do things, to be sure what I want to do it “all right”.  That one hasn’t been working so well for as an adult because I realize I haven’t had confidence in myself  or trusted my instincts.  Asking for permission seemed to work for our parents for the two of older daughters – my younger sister would announce “I have done. . . . “.  Where did that come from and how did I miss that one?  Then again, spanking worked for the first two but not the third daughter, our parents had to find other ways with her.

So why didn’t I trust myself?  It was all that micromanaging and second guessing from our Mom.  She was doing it to protect us and would be horrified if she realized the results for our adult lives.  I am not sure what in her upbringing and childhood gave her such a fearful outlook about the world – we were taught that the world is a scary place, so make sure to be safe and secure before venturing out.  News Flash!  That is not always possible!  How does one take risks in life, explore the world and still be safe and secure?  I’m still looking for the answer to that one.  It meant that when I had that “I know that I know” about something, I still was hesitant to act – I had to clear it with someone to validate what I knew in my heart.  I have been afraid I would “get it wrong”.  It took me a long time to realize that was one way I gave away my power, now at 65 I am taking it back – it’s feels scary at times and I still doubt myself. I finally understand those seeds of doubt come from ego and she wants me scared and in the negative because then she is fully in control.  I am learning to say “Thank you for sharing, I choose something different”. I know she is trying to protect me (us), I just don’t want to live in fear any more.  I also know I can know something and still be talked into a different course that I know isn’t right for me – this listening and trusting my intuition is still new and I am working on going with my heart center even though it is scary and I am a little unsure.

I also know I want everyone to like me, then I know I am accepted.  I haven’t felt that way in very many situations – Ike Pono was one place where I was loved, accepted and supported in a non-judgmental community.  Boy, did that feel good – I felt so at home there.  I learned so much there and also contributed to it as well; we were all learning, no one “had it made”.  I was sorry when it ended, I want to find another community that has that same feeling of support and help where I can truly be myself.  I will admit it was uncomfortable at times, but so worth it.  As I have worked through things since then and especially with Debye and the deep tissue massage to unearth and resolve things bury way down since childhood, it can be uncomfortable too.   The difference now is that I am not beating myself up any more for what I have thought about myself all these years; it is making sense at last and helping me to become the person I have truly been all this time.  I not saying everyone needs to do it to resolve things, only that it has been one of the ways I have found that works for me.  It is more a matter of being willing to look at those uncomfortable things in life and find ways to come to terms with them.  I am only an expert about my own life.

I have realized all this insecurity has been a factor in having RA.  Louise Hay writes in her book “You Can Heal Your Life”  about the causes of different conditions.  For RA she wrote:  Deep criticism of authority.  Feeling put upon.  For arthritis it is:  Feeling unloved, Criticism, resentment.  Hmmmm.  Sounds a little too close to home for comfort.  Louise writes that when we love ourselves truly and completely, so many things disappear.  I haven’t loved myself, I’ve always felt there was something wrong with me, something unacceptable, that I was unlovable.  Still not sure exactly how that became my self view; what’s important is that I have begun to change that perception to one of love.  I have done a lot of work, still more to do but I am so encouraged I am willing to deal with the uncomfortable stuff.

Programs! Programs!

December 18, 2010

I did an Ike Pono weekend last week, another opportunity to see my programs in action.  I am there usually most of the weekend, though I tell them when I run out of energy, I’m gone.  They are really understanding because they know I give my best to them and the people in the class when I am there.  This particular weekend I found myself very quiet at the beginning since it is all about the group rather than me.  Part of it is that I feel I am back in my own first weekend learning the principles and doing the exercises.  The last day I was more talkative and I realized at one point I was worried I was saying too much and maybe saying something wrong.  PROGRAM!   (I always think of the guys who hawked programs at events I went to – they all had that same gravelly, almost New York sound.  I swear they went to school to be able to say it that particular way.)  I realized that was part of my fear of being wrong.  It also came from childhood when I was told “Not so loud” or said something opposite to what I wanted to say and got “that look”.  I see now I have wanted from childhood to not say the wrong thing or something stupid.  It also has to do with my perception I talk too much – yes, I know at times I can be a motormouth, I also know when I am nervous I tend to chatter.  It’s all part of being the “good girl” who follows the rules even when they sometimes didn’t make sense.

Recently another program came up, one about how I see myself and how it feels inside.  I am working on my resume to move into a new direction for my business and myself.  As I remembered the things I have done in the last 40 some years, I was amazed at the long list.  Then I had some testimonials from various sources and as I was typing them into the page, I realized there was one word that came up more often than any  other – confidence.  They all see it but why don’t I see it or feel it?  After awhile, I thought about growing up with not thinking or talking well of myself because it would be bragging or boasting.  Is it a huge leap to wonder if being confident and feeling that confidence is somehow in my mind part of boasting and and bragging?  Is that fear of being wrong mixed in there as well?  It feels as if I am putting a puzzle together and some pieces seem to fit but the loose ones still haven’t come together – I don’t have a picture as a reference to guide me.  Some days I feel I am floundering around in the dark, other days some things are quite clear.  The rest of the days I feel I am muddling through, with small “aha’s” every once in a while – makes me think I am on the right track.  Oh, there’s that word again – right, the opposite or wrong.  Or am I making too much of this one small thing.

I know that all of this is my perception of things – that if I don’t do something exactly the way someone else wants it, I’m wrong and not smart enough to do it right.  Another program rears its head.  I have to also look at what I have focused on all this time – guess what, it was on the negative and how I didn’t measure up.  Where did I stop looking at all the positives in my life, in what I have been and done?  Let’s face it, most often in an evaluation, it’s always the thinks one didn’t do well and what has to “be fixed”.  What would happen if, instead of looking at the negative, the focus is on one’s strengths and abilities – then it doesn’t have to be “fixed”.  This morning I had my left knee go “out on me again and I thought “What was so scary and unthinkable  many years ago that having pain was much more acceptable?”.  I know now I have a different outlook and view of myself than I did a while ago  – how would that situation seem to me now?  The knee is part of the side of my left leg that has been a big source of pain and limitation – when did it start and what was going on at the time?  I am more ready to examine it now than I have ever been, though I will admit to a small part a little afraid it may be harder to face than I think.  However, at this point, the thought of continuing with the pain and limitations is worse than the thought of what the core issue really is that started it all.  That is something I have noticed over the years, at some point there is choice to make and the thought of status quo is worse than the alternative.  I have often found pain is great incentive to make a change – but it has to be your decision, not being talked into it by someone who has decided what is right for you.

Something for me to ponder and  think about, I know it isn’t quite clear yet, nor do I have the “I know that I know” with a picture in my mind.  More pieces to fit into place before my puzzle is complete.  I have several puzzles in progress, it will be some time before my work is done.

How do I see myself?

November 20, 2010

I have an overwhelming desire to whinge – as if I am the only one who has uncomfortable stuff to deal with.  But by whingeing to you, it relieves some of the pressure for me, but loads it on to you – something no one needs.  I know for most of the past 40 years that was mainly what I did, whinge and find that people would say how brave I was, wondering how I do all that I do with RA.  I suspect I put up a better front than I realized, they saw me in a very different way than I saw myself.  I know I spent many times thinking “If they only knew how scared and unsure I am, how clueless about so much!”.  But I can see now that I was reflecting my own insecurities and my own negative view of myself.

Which brings me to how I see myself – I am beginning to realize I have always had a negative view of me, that what I noticed growing up was what seemed wrong with me rather than being more aware of the positives.  I can say with conviction now that there are a lot of positives about, in and with me, just took longer to recognize them.  I also notice the negative view is on automatic pilot – I have to consciously stop myself and rewrite them.  Thanks to Ike Pono, I have begun to see where an event has happened, there was emotion, there is a memory and there was a decision – a negative one.  then gathering evidence that I was right in that decision.  I didn’t want to go back and visit those decisions, that evidence because it hurt too much – as if there was no other way or conclusion that could be drawn from it except the negative.

My hypnotherapy friend Kathie Brodie – The Baggage Handler – suggested I write out each incident as it happened and how I felt.  But then to rewrite it with a positive ending.  I used red ink for the “as it happened” piece,then regular black ink, because I didn’t have purple, to write a positive ending.  Yikes!  I couldn’t imagine how it could end positively, so it was quite a surprise and pleasure to find it writing itself and I was blown away by the result.  I must have gone into Pono when I wrote second version because I don’t consciously know where it came from.  So I did the next one – wasn’t quite as satisfying but really cool.  The third one also blew me away, this is cool!  These are to help me with self confidence and loving myself self, probably the main thing I need to learn about myself.

I am beginning to understand I have seen myself as not good enough, not measuring up  or lacking something that everyone else seemed to have had from birth.  Because I was and am overweight – Reubenesque or fluffy – I saw myself as unacceptable because I didn’t fit the mold of tall, blonde, slender, lovely, etc.  I felt I was too fat to fit the pigeon hole.  I felt inadequate because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, everyone else had goals ad career plans.  They were slender and pretty and had boyfriends and friends, all the things I wanted but didn’t think I had or was somehow missing something the others had.  Oh dear, as I look back at what I have written, it sounds as if I have a bad case of “oh-poor-me-osis” in full blown mode.  What I realize as I look back at growing up and going to school, I saw myself as inadequate, not good enough, maybe even not deserving.  Great foundation to build a life!  Now as I start writing about those upsetting incidents and then turning them into positive, I can see other parts of me and my life in much more positive ways rather than deciding it is just more evidence to prove my decision.  Now I can better see that little girl and be there to protect her and let her know she is loved and very lovable.  I can give her the support she didn’t think she had at the time and embrace her in loving kindness.

I see now that not only have I been seeing myself these days as limited, it has been that way all my life – other people do all these amazing things, have all the wonderful experiences, possessions and wonderful friend – but I don’t.  My view has been so fogged in by negative views of me and my life, I haven’t been able to let in the wonderful, positive ones.  Once in awhile I could see them in the distance when the fog would lift or part, but I didn’t see them as real and I didn’t believe them.  I am burning off the fog myself now, a bit at a time and allowing the sunshine and all the positive loving things, experiences and people in and believing they are true.  It is a new way to be and is taking time to put into motion, but it is happening.  I am becoming my contract  – “I am a healthy, powerful, inspiring woman courageously living my vision now”!

Update (long overdue)

November 7, 2010

Life has been rather eventful lately, after falling and being laid up for a while, I seem to have lost track of my life.  NOTE TO SELF if you don’t write regularly, it’s not a blog.  I was so caught up in how much it hurt to walk that it was hard to think of anything else.  How could a small part of my body wreak such havoc?  I have finally gotten back into my life again and am able to walk almost as I had before the fall; feels as if I am playing catchup.  I spent 3 weeks of really difficult days barely making it to the bed, the chair and the bathroom – many times I wondered how long I could postpone getting up and trying to walk on the knee.  I was sorry for myself at times, kept wondering why I didn’t stick to my policy of watching where I am stepping rather than watching where I am going.  However, that is just beating myself up and what came out of that was negativity – I sometimes feel there is already an oversupply of that already.

The odd thing was, after a bit I began to wonder “What is the gift in this?  What can I learn from it?”.  Not my usual questions but Ike Pono has given me a different awareness now than I had before.  As my last post showed, I have been thinking in a different way, though so far I haven’t been able to answer the “Who am I” question to a point where I can say “I know that I know”.  One of these days.  But I have been looking at things differently and  have discovered a few other things that certainly bring more questions.  I realize now I choose to know the truth about myself, before I was saying I am willing to know the truth.  A subtle difference but now I am ready, rather than I think I am ready.  I have been thinking of other times in my life where I was in a similar situation and how I thought about it.  The  section in Ike Pono about there is an event, an emotion, a memory and then decision, followed by gathering evidence to prove you are right – as in the example of the kid who decided he was stupid.  I have been looking at the times when things happened and I once again confirmed I was unacceptable – this time as I remember them, I will write it down as it happened and then rewrite it in a positive way.  That may take some real practice because I realize when I think of those times, it is always the same feelings, pictures and words in my mind – it takes some doing because I have thought of it in one way for so long that a different view or interpretation seems a lot harder.  I figure the more I do it, the easier it will become with practice.

I had tea with a good friend the other week and she did an angel card reading for me – Yikes!  She was spot on!  There are two big things for me to work on, loving myself and my fear of being wrong.  Now I know loving myself has been a big challenge all my life, over the years I have done pretty well on that one and there is still a lot left to do.  The fear of being wrong was a hit in the face because I have realize I have been thinking and feeling it but never put it into specific words.  It just hit me that it is part of not feeling acceptable – I have spent a lot of my life looking for approval and validation from other people so I would know I was right or had made the right decision.  I realized a while ago that it was a gift from someone important in my life that I didn’t get the approval and validation I wanted so badly – it made me find it inside myself.   Then I would not be constantly looking for it from other people because if those people are gone, what would I do?  I would be constantly looking for someone to give approval.  I can see the things that gave me joy, the enthusiasm and exuberance I felt and expressed but was squelched, seemed bad or unacceptable and of course that meant I was unacceptable.  So if I made a “wrong” choice according to someone I craved approval from, once again I am not acceptable.  I can see this could go round and round in circles until I drive myself crazy.  Time to let it simmer on the back burner for a bit and see what comes up.  It is amazing how putting it in words on paper can help clear things up or bring out other parts of the same thing.

I find it fascinating how I start at one point and by the end of the entry I am in an entirely different place.  Oh my, I just realized my self-worth and loving myself is also tied up in all of this – like pulling a strand of a wadded up ball of tangled yarn and not knowing how it will all unravel.  The good news is that I now know that whatever I find in the deepest part of my essence, it will be positive and loving – that god awful bitch on wheels was never there, it was just my fear and perception about who I was deep down.  Ain’t that a kick in the head!

Funny You Mention That

September 26, 2010

After a great Ike Pono weekend, here I am hobbling around like a bent old woman.  I was invited to a networking group on Wednesday and as I was looking for the street number in this little plaza, I felt myself suddenly go forward and all I could think was “Shit, I’m going to hit the concrete”!  I landed on my left side and had some wind knocked out of me.  A very nice gentleman suddenly appeared and asked if I was okay – then some from other shops came out.  One wanted to call 911 but I don’t like a fuss and all my parts were moving, I didn’t break anything.  The first man was able to lift me up onto my feet and I walked into the restaurant, rather shaken.  At the end of the meeting (they will definitely remember me) I went to the ladies room and couldn’t believe how much my left knee hurt, like an ice pick was shoved all the way down into the middle of my knee.  I was able to hobble to my car with help, drove home and put an ice pack on the knee.  It was not one of my shining moments.  I usually look where I am stepping, not where I am going – except that day.

I have been hobbling around since, each day it is better in small increments, but it has definitely put a spanner in the works.  I can’t remember feeling this painful, yet what surprises me is how little bruising there is.  My elbow has a bruise around the outside and a day or so later I found another one on the inside of my right breast.  Both are quite lovely purple, but I will be glad when it goes from purple to yellow to gone.  At this point, I have no idea how long it will be before I can walk comfortably, or even without an ice pick in my knee.  There may be a reason for this, though I am still working on that.

A friend who is a hypnotherapist sent me a healing Thursday night – didn’t think of it until 3 am.  She sent the healing but nothing seemed to happen – I would have loved the whole body healed but I would have settled for just the damage from the fall.  I set an intention of being open, receptive, allowing and unlimited. She did it several times and it didn’t seem to help.  I emailed her to see if I was blocking it for some reason, I wanted it so much but it felt it was too good to be true.   This was her answer:

“Well, you may not like this but what I was getting is that it has become part of your identify.  I sent healings twice yesterday, once during the day and a full vision/body healing right before I went to bed.  I remembered to shield myself so I didn’t “get it” on my body.  So I don’t think you are blocking the healing, but see if this feels right … are you blocking change?  I know you say you want to do and be and go etc etc etc but my gut is telling me that if you let go of the suit of pain and inconvenience that you are wearing, then you would have to reinvent yourself.  Are you ready to do that, you warrior you?  Once in a while, all it takes is one person saying one thing and the light bulb goes on.  Don’t worry about how, just give it over and know that you no longer need to keep hurting yourself or you no longer need to be in pain or even minimally disabled.  You asked, and that’s what I’m getting. Also, the healings may be internal so you don’t feel that much. I usually get people, at the end of the session, saying they really feel much much better though. I’ll zap you again today. Just be open and curious. There is a lot of layers to get through so it may take a little longer than usual.  Okay, should I have sugar coated it?”

This is what I wrote back to her –  Thank you for giving me the straight scoop.  I have wondered a bit and the other day I saw a book by Byron Katie called “Who Would I be Without My Story?”.  I have asked who would I be without RA and for a long time I didn’t know.  Since this last weekend at Ike Pono, I realize without RA I am a healthy, powerful, inspiring woman living my vision now.  It has begun to make sense to me.  Also, the weekend before I was having a hard time, I felt as if there was a war going on inside me.  Bruce also told me I was dying and I needed to decide if I want to live.  I ended up doing an arrow with the goal of life and living.

I wouldn’t be surprised to know that Ego is holding on as hard as she can – she has been in charge for so long and doesn’t want to let go any part of control.  I have been thinking Ego is fighting my Authentic Self for control.  Strangely enough, for a long time I have been afraid to see what is deep down inside of me because I thought it had to be horribly negative.  But I am ready to see it because I know it isn’t as terrible as  I think.  RA has been my identity, even though I haven’t wanted to admit it.  I am doing better in loving myself and not beating myself up – I’ve been doing it for so long and it’s a hard habit to break.

Now it is time to work on finding my true identity, I have no idea where it will take me but I am curious and somewhat excited to find out.  Mostly it is knowing where to look, what I am looking for and certainly when I know I actually found it.  The Universe takes care of it, I don’t have to know the How.  I’ll keep you posted.

Warrior Temporarily Sidelined

September 20, 2010

This was another Ike Pono weekend that I helped staff.  This is this Ohana’s 3rd and finally weekend, so the Pono Game was on the schedule.  I was ready because the last 2 times  I played, I was a Kickass Warrior.  The first time was my own third weekend and at first I was concerned about how much physical I could do and I didn’t want to mess up my joints.  So I was timid and hesitant at first, but I really got into it and was fully committed.  I really surprised myself at how well I did and how my attitude changed.  It was someone in my Ohana that commented afterwards that I was a Kickass Warrior it hadn’t occured to me but I was pleased to hear it.

Last weekend was another Ohana’s turn and I was there, fully committed to it from the start.  Since then, I find myself telling people I am a Kickass Warrior, that surprises them because it is so unexpected.  I find I am really believing it more and more, so this weekend I was ready.  We went out to practice and bring ourselves into Pono (alignment), otherwise it doesn’t happen.  I had to have a sit down before the first round, so I was resting a bit.  When it came for both sides to meet, I got up and found my left knee wouldn’t straighten out – it hurt to walk.  I started getting uptight and a bit panicky – guess who wasn’t in Pono?  What was happening here?  My army was helping me and I was able to participate towards the end.  I felt I had let the side down and was really upset with myself and my knee.  It would have to pick that moment to to “pop out”.  My side did win that battle, so we went out for a few minutes to regroup and they were right there for me, wanting to know how they could support me.  Of course I was crying and I got myself under control – yup, programs coming up.  I was limping a little when we went back in, but I was there for the second battle and this time I didn’t get killed.  I was ready and on the line whenever I was chosen, I won my battles and our army won in 2 straight.  So I know I am a Kickass Warrior even when there are hiccups along the way.  As I look back on it, I was probably getting a little cocky and full of myself – not the point in this game.

When I started on my three weekends, I didn’t know what to expect.  My big concern was if I would have enough energy to finish the first weekend – Friday from 4 – 10, Saturday and Sunday 10 – 10.  I decided to take it as it came, not get stressed about if I could make it through.  There was one exercise I couldn’t do like the others – not to worry, they had a way I could fully participate without getting injured.  I know the last weekend there was a woman in a wheel chair, they worked out a way for her to experience it safely so she had as much benefit as the others.  In second weekend there are 2 others that I was really concerned about, but they were there for me, my Ohana was right there supporting me and I did both.  Those two I had to be in Pono and I went into Pono to complete it. This group of people I have met through Ike Pono has made such a difference in me and also now I am giving back to others in gratitude.  I have been given so much and I know gift them the gift of receiving what I have received.  I continue to learn and grow as I do each weekend and this weekend especially, I have gifts, experience and knowledge I can give.  It is such a wonderful two way street in Ike Pono.

I have begun to see who I really am and slowly loving myself for the first time.  I saw a book title in the book store – “Who Would I be Without My Story?” by Byron Katie.  I read some of it and I  started to realize that without RA, I am a healthy, powerful, inspiring woman courageously living my vision.  My identity isn’t someone with RA, it is condition I live with every day, but now I know it is not who I am.  Thank You Ike Pono!!!!


June 13, 2010

Last weekend was the 3rd one of Ike Pono and I am still processing it – I’m still processing the first two as well.  Although there wasn’t a huge “Aha” moment, I’m noticing small ones when I least expect it.  Plus, every once in a while,  there’s a “Huh?” moment.  Sunday evening as we were getting ready to leave at the close, they were talking about another session being planned for 5 days in Hawaii – boy, that would be cool!  Someone suggested being able to swim the warm ocean but I said I prefer sides to my water.  He had a puzzled look on his face, so I explained I am afraid of the water.  I learned to swim with a dignified dog paddle that gets me from one end of the pool to the other, but I am still afraid of the water.  He asked about it and I told him when I was about 5 or 6 living in  Manhattan Beach, CA, I was sucked under by a wave.  “And you never mentioned this near death experience during the weekends?”.  Yikes!  Near Death Experience?  I never thought of it in those terms.  I just remember my older sister and I went down to the beach with a neighbor without permission.  I was playing at the very edge with the little waves and the next thing I knew, I was in the water, all wet and water in my mouth.  I don’t think we ever told Mom what happened.  As far as I know, that is why I am afraid of the water.  Even now, when I swim, the face never goes near the water and I always wear my glasses.  Now I wonder if that is why I have been so afraid of life, of taking risks because if I do, I get my nose clipped – especially if I haven’t asked permission.  Our parents brought us up to be sure we are safe and secure before venturing out – not conducive to stepping out and taking risks.  Maybe that is why I look for approval and permission before doing something – I haven’t been trusting my intuition and inner voice.  My younger sister was different from my older sister and me – she would announce “I have done such and such”.  Where did that come from?  Maybe there has never been anything I wanted so much it didn’t matter what anyone said.

As I look back, I have always been afraid of the world – it’s a scary place and I am not safe.  I know now Mom was only protecting us because she loves us, but it used to bug me no end when she would say things like “Don’t fall down the bank”, Don’t burn yourself”, “Don’t trip on the branch”, etc.  As if I was going to fall and hurt myself on purpose!  I didn’t see the message of love, I just heard ” You’re not smart enough to know not to do things so I am going to constantly tell you”.  Even at 63 I still hear it from her – she is in permanent “Mom mode”.   She is on autopilot, so she says it to my husband and my two sisters as well.  I am finally realizing to be grateful she and my Dad loved us so much and wanted the best for us – unfortunately young ears don’t hear the same message they sent out to us.  I had to be this age to finally understand.  2 years ago when my older sister was visiting for Mom’s birthday, she said something that put a whole new spin on how we were raised.  She said “Mom and Dad gave us a very valuable gift – integrity!”.   When I looked at from that angle, I  knew what she meant.  I can not be anything but truthful, no matter how much I would like to at times.  There are times when I want to cut corners, but something in me won’t allow it, no matter how much easier it would be.   The best definition of integrity I know is – doing what is right whether anyone is watching or not.

I am much more inclined now to consult the medical intuitive – it has been a very uncomfortable weekend and I need to know what is at the bottom of all this.   Normally I would beat myself thinking how dumb and stupid for creating this – now it is with love and compassion I see it and want to know what was going on in my head.  I know ego was in charge, she has been for most of my life until I finally figured out she is my false self who loves drama, victimhood and fear – the more the better.  I realize it may have been my way of hiding from not finding work I am passionate about or a good reason not to venture out into the world, maybe fear of being wrong, not being good enough, not worthy,  doing something and either failing or not succeeding or just looking stupid.  I think fear is the base of it and maybe that ocean incident – still trying to get my head around calling it near death – is really what set it in place.  I have a picture of myself when I was about 3 or 4, it was taken in the back yard of the house in Manhattan beach and is one of a series.  All of the pictures, except for this one,  show me being a good girl and smiling for the camera.  This one I have a stance and expression on my face that says “I will do it, but I won’t like it!” – where did that little girl come from and where did she go?  She left the fearful good girl in her place.  I wish I could remember what was going on that day.


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