Gift of RA

Yesterday morning all three of us came home for good – the bathroom is almost done, the shower doors will be installed on Monday and the last few details finished.  So it is spit baths for a couple of days and then it will be a fully functional bathroom.  In some ways for me, I don’t feel I have been home at all – yes there were those 3 or 4 days between leaving rehab and living in a hotel.  I have felt temporary for the last 3 months or more since I was taken out feet first to the hospital on February 24th.  It has been an interesting journey and experience – still going on too.  I am curious to see what changes have happened inside me, right now I think it is too early to tell.  Maybe others can see changes from the outside, I am not sure.  Right now it is another adjustment coming home for good at last.

Everything is the same, yet different.  First off, there isn’t the room in the sink cabinet that we had before and there isn’t a shelf unit above the toilet any more.  That means figuring out where everything goes and what can be thrown out or given to St. Vincent so someone else can use it.  I also realize how crowded with stuff the office and our bedroom are – I know I am a pack rat and this has certainly brought it home to me.  There is the thought in the back of my mind, “What if I need it later?”.  It is that “just in case” mindset even if it turns out I never need it again.  Maybe it is simply that the rooms seem smaller than they were before and  I know that in order for new things to come in, I have to clear space for them by clearing out the old.  I realize a lot of things are from another life, a person I am no longer in this moment.  I will admit to feeling confused and unsure about who I am and where I want to go – it is as if I have been disconnected from everything I know for a long time.  Now that I am home I can reconnect – but now only with that which is truly me and what I want.

I also feel as if I am in transition with my business, I don’t quite know what direction I want to take it.  Over the past few months with my life narrowing so much as Mom was not able to be left alone, then breaking my hip, my business is almost at a standstill.  I have been thinking since last fall, it’s a good time to rest, regroup and redefine what I want to do.  The only problem seemed to be with me, I was so bone weary and mentally and emotionally exhausted that I haven’t been able to think straight.  I haven’t had the energy or interest to do anything about it.  When I went to rehab, I thought I would have time to read and write to help me see where things were and where I was heading.  Unfortunately I was so tired I had no interest in any of it,  so tired and dragged out – what I call “drag my ass tired” – I couldn’t even think about it.

Physically I am doing a lot better, I am walking with the cane around the house and for short distances outside.  I feel more independent with the cane, plus not so much hardware to put in the trunk .  But I still need to use the wheely walker if I am going to the store or longer distances – the therapists think I can be back walking without anything as I did before I broke the hip.  The one thing that is most frustrating is not being able to drive, to go and do whenever I want.  I am dependent on rides to therapy and I will say how grateful I am to friends who have been there for me.  It was hard to ask for help when I went back to my networking breakfast club because I have always done things myself.  It was very difficult to change a lifetime of “Don’t ask for help”, “Don’t impose on people or be a burden”.  Thanks to my older sister Ellen for her words “Ditch it, Girl” when we discussed it awhile back.  In many ways I have become very aware of some childhood programs in the last few months – I had no idea about specifics, I was just going on autopilot and didn’t really know it.

Outpatient physical therapy is more aggressive than inpatient – I really notice it when I am finished.  Michael puts me on the cross trainer first, just with the foot action.  It has intensity settings from 1-10, he jacked up to 8 on Friday.  So the resistance is more and I feel the workout in my legs.  I think he plans to have me all the way up to 10 by the time I leave.  He is helping me with balance and strength as well as being a bit faster in my movements.  We are doing moderate difficulty on “Stomp the mole”, it is a 9 square grid and when amole pops up, I have to move my feet to the proper square to stomp it.  They also have a mouse that moves from one square to another and they are also to be stomped.  However, not the lady bugs, but they tend to get stomp unintentionally – I don’t always  notice them while trying to get the mice and moles.  He isn’t really concerned with my score, he wants me to be able to step from one square to another a little faster each time so I have a more smooth movement.  Mostly when I feel I have loosened a tight muscle and it is comfortable again, Michael finds another couple I didn’t know I had.  Like everything else, it is a process.  Glad to be at this end than just starting to stand and walk again.