Archive for August, 2011

A Liberating Experience

August 28, 2011

A  good friend and marketing expert Marty Marsh talks a lot about being authentic, especially with internet marketing.  He has noticed there are people who don’t put a picture of themselves, their contact information and such on their websites – almost as if they are hiding from their prospects.  Marty  feels it is important to let people know who you are – how else will they know, like and trust you and want to do business with you?  He sent an email describing it as a bold and scary project:

A member of my soul proprietor community and a friend, Jini Cicero, turned me on to a project being done by a woman named Amber Naslund, and Jini thought it would be a great project to emulate with my own soul proprietor community.  And I agreed.

I’m calling it the “What you probably don’t know about me… but that I wish you did” project.

We all put a business persona out there and rarely do any of us get even a glimpse of who somebody really is. This project is for you to share the real you. The real person that only you may know.

Marty sent us a link to his and although he was concerned what people might think about him once they knew some of these things, he was intrigued to do it.  I started thinking about it and then found myself making a list.  I wrote it and kept thinking of things I wanted to add – except it was getting a bit long by then.  If you would like to read what some of the people wrote, it is at his Soul Proprietor Blog.  I was hesitant to put myself out there, yet that is what I have been doing on this blog for almost 2 years.  So if you would like to know a little more about me, you can find my entry about 3 or 4 entries down.  I suspect you have figured out a lot about me from this blog, so it may not be  all that surprising.

I was tired when I finished and sent it to Marty.  But then  a while later there was a feeling of liberation, almost of relief in a way.  I realized it was an enjoyable experience, the only struggle was in deciding what to put in, sometimes how to phrase it , did I sound as if I was putting myself down and getting tired when I was not ready to stop writing.  I loved how it felt and I realized that is how I want my work, my purpose in life to feel.  It flowed with ease and  I didn’t have to think about what people would say, that I didn’t have to compete to “win” a client or a project.  I was just being me and it was a lot of fun.  I don’t think I put myself down, a lot of things I wrote about in my early years and school now have a different perspective – a more positive one.

I started another list and have been adding to it – I decided to write a second one for myself.  Now it is getting my shoulders and neck to behave long enough to write it.  I wrote it the week before last, a really good week for me.  I had some energy and interest in what I do as well as feeling rather good.  This last week has been uncomfortable – a bit of a downer after a good week.  not sure why, but it is what it is.  I had my deep tissue massage on Friday and more stuffed feeling came out – I felt something was ready to come but wasn’t sure what.  She has been working on my knees the last two weeks – this week I can bend my left knee a little when I walk instead of only with a straight leg.  My right knee goes at a 90 degree angle now – amazing!

Debye talked about helping the knee remember how it was designed to move and what is so wonderful and amazing is that now, at the 2nd day, I am still doing very well.  Before when I did it on my own, the middle of the knee in front hurt like crazy – she did it in a way that I haven’t hurt as a result of moving  in a different way.  I have to consciously remember to bed the knee, it has been many years since I have been able to do it.  She invites her angels, spirits,  guides and master teachers as well as mine to come and be part of the massage – she says they tell her what to work on and how.  I believe her and trust all them to know what is for my highest good.  Now to some that may sound woo woo or goof ball or spooky, but I am learning so much from the holistic practitioners I know that it doesn’t seem spooky at all.  There were two messages they wanted her to give me – one is to love myself, the second is that I must choose to heal myself and really want it.

I feel a lot has come all at once and I am still processing it – I am much more ready to hear it and not try to deflect or justify things.  I am more open and  and receptive to unlimited possibilities as well as what I have to work on inside me.  All of it has come as a result of unconditional love of those around me and my readiness to love myself.

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Small Things Make The Difference

August 21, 2011

I remember when I was in commercial art school (now graphics) in the mid ’60’s, I realized it is  often a small thing that makes a huge difference.  This was when they did mechanicals on illustration board, pen and ink and acetate overlays for the offset printer.  If you were working on a brochure, you made a rough comp or mock up for the client to give them an idea how it would look.  For text we used a chisel pencil with short and long lines to depict words – I suddenly realized why the instructor’s text mock up looked so much better.  He used just a regular pencil line but put dots between lines, that small change made such a difference.

I have noticed this  situation in so many areas of my life.  It isn’t a big complicated thing or process that takes something from ordinary to amazing, it is a small adjustment.  Sometimes it is something simple, though not always easy.  One I am working on right now is not to take things personally with my Mom as she deals with macular degeneration and dementia.  At first it really hurt that she didn’t know who I was at times, now I am doing a lot better with it becauseI am not taking it so personally.  It still stings but I am learning it is not about me.  So many things in life I thought were all about me really aren’t.  It has taken me 64 years to come to this point – imagine how things would have been had I known this many, many years ago.  Which brings up something else, I wasn’t ready to hear it before.

I watched Oprah on her Year 25 show when she had Iyanla Van Zant on after quite a few years of a disagreement.  What I found amazing was that she told Oprah that when a show was offered to her, she wasn’t ready to receive it.  There were all kinds of things happening at the time and there were hard feelings on both sides.  With Iyanla finding understanding that, they both were able to come together as good friends.  Sometimes at certain points, we aren’t ready for something and now I realize I don’t have to beat myself up when something doesn’t happen when and the way I want.

In Oprah’s Master Class, she talked about “The Color Purple” and how intensely she wanted to be in the movie.  When it seemed it wasn’t going to happen, she had to let it go and accept they weren’t going to choose her for the part of Sophia.  It certainly was’t easy for her, but what I found so valuable was her definition of acceptance.  I have been trying to understand it for years and looked in dictionaries, encyclopedias – everything I could think to check.  None were really satisfactory until I heard Oprah say “Acceptance is having no emotion attached to it” ( paraphrased).  She helped me to understand that letting go really means letting go of the emotional attachment to it.  I am now much more willing to ask God for something, that this would be really cool.  Now I can say what I want and then tell God “This or something better, whatever works for my highest good.”  I don’t always know what’s in the works and by being very specific, I limit myself.  It is as if I am on the street level of the Columbia Tower and God is there on the top floor with that magnificent 360 degree view of things – who has a better knowledge of what is happening all around?  Certainly isn’t me!

One of the things I have learned lately from my massage therapist is how much I have stuffed my feelings all my life – it’s all in my body and definitely not benefiting me.  I am learning to speak my truth – exactly what I am feeling without worrying about other people – when I am by myself.  Saying it out loud – driving on the highway with the windows open is really great because I can yell and scream and no one notices.  Then to feel the feelings – something I don’t like to do because it hurts and I don’t want to feel the pain.  I had a picture in my mind a while back of a figure filled with black, then as I felt the feeling and then let them go, I could see the black draining away through my feet into Mother Earth.  There was a bright iridescent light coming down from above and into the top of my head, filling all the spaces left when the black crap left.  Made a big difference!

Youtube has been quite a revelation.  I found sound healing videos – especially Amethyst Singing Bowl, it helped me sleep when my legs hurt at night.  I can now play the songs I love from different artists and recently I have found the complete operas for Turandot and La Boheme.  To me, Puccini wrote music so beautiful it hurts.  Plus I can play the Al Bowlly with Ray Noble Orchestra for my Mom as well as Bing Crosby – two of her favorites.  I enjoy the music and I am glad I can do something to give her enjoyment.

It doesn’t always take money and a complicated procedure to make a difference.  Sometimes simple works so much better.

Feeling more human

August 14, 2011

Thanks to Debye Peters and her wonderful deep tissue massages I am much more comfortable in my shoulders -so much in stuffed feelings and balderdash has been expelled.  Now we are working on the hips – then maybe I can finally sleep comfortably.  I went through that awhile ago and thought I had it finished – news flash!  Here we go again.  However, this time I  have help understanding what is going on inside my body – that makes such a difference.

I don’t particularly want to write about how I am feeling, I’m tired of it and I want to keep my promise of no whingeing.  I remember when I first volunteered with the Connecticut Chapter of the Arthritis Foundation, I was helping to form a support group.  That was fine for awhile but I found it was focused too much on how I was feeling – I could do that all by myself.  If I was having a bad time, it was good to be with other people who understood, but I realized I wanted to  do more.  Fortunately the staff there liked how I worked and I was asked to be the Speaker’s Bureau Coordinator.  So I helped put together a Speaker’s Bureau, did speeches myself and also trained new speakers.  I enjoyed this because the focus wasn’t on me, plus I found I could help other people.  About the same time I was asked to be an Arthritis Self Help Instructor.

I went through some training for both and I will admit to being very nervous in the beginning.  Speaking in front of people had always been an agony for me – at times I wondered “How did I get myself into this?”.  Fortunately the Self Help Course started first and it was to a small group of about 10 or 12.  Those ladies were so welcoming and kind to me on the first of 6 sessions.  There was so much information to cover and I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough time for all of it.  I ended up covering in about an hour and half and had to ad lib for another hour or so.  I found myself  being less and less nervous – I think I told them it was my first class.  They were a very appreciative audience and it was a very informal setting, so that helped a lot.  AfterwardsI thanked them profusely for their patience and being my first class.  A lot of them were oder women who had not really taken care of themselves or realized what arthritis was and how it affected their bodies.

I remember one session, I didn’t want to teach because I was feeling so miserable.  But I promised and I couldn’t not show up.  What surprised me was that at the end of the class, I felt a lot better.  I told them at the end of class that I hadn’t wanted to come and I thanked them so much because I felt so much better because of them.  The classes were always filled with wonderful compassionate and delightful women – an occasional guy came but it was mostly women.  I always started out my classes saying that the only difference between them and me was I had gone through the training for teaching the class – I still had to deal with RA, pain, problems and all of that, I didn’t have it made.  I learned so much myself and I was so glad I could be of help in some way to others dealing with a form of arthritis.

When I did the speeches, I was a bit more comfortable in front of people because of the classes.  I had written out my speech so I wouldn’t forget it, then I got to a point where I had a large card with all the points that were important to cover.  I will admit my speeches were full of my own stories, so it was a more personal presentation than just the basic fact of arthritis.  I think I was often a surprise to them, though I always told the contact person I had RA.  I was in my late 30’s at the time and I suppose they expected an older woman with crutches or wheel chair.  One of the messages I wanted to put across was that just because I had RA , my life wasn’t over.  I would introduce myself as the Speaker’s Bureau Coordinator and then talk about the different things I do – church choir, deacon for awhile, mediator for the BBB, etc. and then the last thing I said was “I have had Rheumatoid Arthritis for over 20 years”.  Some people were quite surprised. I remember being at a nursing home and there was one old lady in the front row talking with her friend; in a somewhat loud voice she asked her friend “What does she know about arthritis?”.  Was she ever surprised!

Good Heavens!  I had no idea this post would end up here.  Well, just a bit more information about me, much better than whingeing.

More Than a Massage

August 7, 2011

I have been able to use the computer a bit more lately thanks to my massage therapist – unfortunately I still overdo because it feels good to be able to to do it.  I have realized that I need to be more organized in what I do online and how long – so hard to limit myself when I have been used to spending as long as I want.  Another Life lesson.

I am so grateful to Debye Peters for her massages, explanations and help in dealing with the reasons for having all this difficulty.  I saw her on Friday afternoon and this time it was a bit different because we didn’t do the deep tissue massage to get out the kinks in my shoulders.  It was quite interesting.  We start out with setting an intention for the session – that past few sessions it has been to allow whatever is ready to release to be  let go.  Then Debye invites any spirits or guides of her and mine to come in and be a part of the session.  I found myself relaxing and enjoying the massage this time – I will admit those places that need release do hurt in the beginning and it can be uncomfortable at times.  This was more relaxed, though she is very good at finding the spots that hurt – that’s the whole point of the exercise.  I was on my stomach for the first part and at one point she took the pillow from under my left knee – it’s the one that doesn’t bend or straighten very well. I was a little concerned but it didn’t have the usual feeling of being snapped and really hurting.  Debye stepped back and was amazed at how straight my body was, she has never seen me that straight before.  When I was on my back she really noticed the same thing – I was much straighter than I have been in decades.

She  said she just listened to her guides and she says they did a lot of cellular level clearing for me.  She says when she listens to the guides, amazing things happen – a couple of times she said I was out – sometimes they do that to help with healing.  When I stood up, she was still amazed at how straight and tall I was.  I had a different feeling, not anything I can put my finger on what I felt was different.  I felt capable and strong, things I haven’t always felt.  Now the most important part is for me to believe and own it – a part of me is afraid I won’t believe it and  go back to the habit of walking bent over again.  I also know that what I fear will happen, so I am working on focusing on walking straight and knowing I am healthy, straight and strong.

I will admit that doing this and the other work over the past few years has not been comfortable, butI know it is necessary for me to be the amazing woman I am and to truly know that I know I am.  Besides, if it is comfortable, I am not growing and stretching.  Some things have been a bit scary and other times I didn’t want to do what was important, but I have gone ahead and done it.  I couldn’t have done any of it without support and guidance from so many loving and amazing people who love me and want the very best for me.  I want to be able to give back by being there for others, in what way I don’t know.  But I feel there is something wonderful coming for me.  I have to do this work in order for it to be created and I am much more willing to just let it unfold than I have been in the past.  I love the phrase “creating myself” rather than just finding who I am.  This past year and a half has been such a revelation, I am now much more able to believe I am amazing and lovable – I am beginning to love myself and not have that snarky voice saying “Yeah, right!”.   That has always been ego wanting to keep me in victim mode beating myself up.  Sorry ego, not boarding that bus!

I was thinking the other day how much fear I have had about everything all my life, trying to hide from it to feel secure.  Not working for me.  I thought, what would happen if I didn’t fear the unknown and thinking I’m not capable; since fear hasn’t worked very well, suppose I take fear out of the mix and trust myself, my intuition and all my angels, guides, spirits and beings who are here for my highest good.  Right now I feel my job and focus is to continue work on myself and to be here for my Mom.  She is 93 and has both macular degeneration and dementia, so she isn’t able to drive or do the things she has always done.  My husband  and I moved in with her so she can stay at home as long as possible.  It is not always easy for any of the tree of us, but I am finding there are gifts in it.  I can see things that I didn’t realize, just knew I resented it.  I realize that  I have been able to resolve a few of them – I working on having less and less baggage as time goes on.

I know more and more I am a healthy, powerful, inspiring woman courageously living my vision now!


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