Archive for July, 2010

What Happens in the Wee Hours?

July 24, 2010

I wish I knew more about my body and how it operates.  For as long as I have had RA, 3 – 6 a.m. has always been the most uncomfortable time of the 24 hours.  Though I have had times when it was miserable all 24.  What is it about that time span that makes everything much more uncomfortable to the point I can sleep because every position hurts?  Is it Circadian Rhythm in full force?  And just what is Circadian Rhythm?  I checked Google and from The National Institute of General Medical Sciences this is their definition:

Circadian rhythms are physical, mental and behavioral changes that follow a roughly 24-hour cycle, responding primarily to light and darkness in an organism’s environment.  There is even a picture.

The pictures are pretty but none of the explanations really make sense or answer my question.  Another question is why at about 6 a.m. I can go back to sleep as if nothing was wrong.  What changed and tipped the scales at 6 a.m.?  Why is it so difficult for doctors and health professionals to give me a simple answer to something?  How about words of one syllable  I can understand instead of all that medical speak.  That may explain why I feel I have had to do and learn so much of this on my own.  Would it make a difference it I had a solid answer?

The problem compounds itself when I don’t get sleep for a night or two, it gets harder to sleep and sometimes I have been so tired I can’t sleep.  I do naps in the afternoon and that helps; I don’t like to feel I am dragging around all day because I wasn’t able to sleep.  I realize that is part of resisting the whole disease situation and what you resist persists.  Still working on that dynamic because I suspect it puts a lot more stress on my body, mind and spirit – let’s face it, stress doesn’t help anything.

Where am I going with this?  It’s sounding a little too much like whingeing and that isn’t the reason for this blog.  I have begun to look more at how I see things, especially RA.  Has all the focus on how much I hurt, how difficult it is to move, how clumsy and awkward I feel makes it worse.  Hmmm, what I focus on increases, so it looks as if I have some changes to make in my thinking.   Where did I learn that thought pattern and what do I change it so there is a more positive outcome.  I go back to Eckhart Tolle and “Are you willing to accept this is what you are feeling at this moment without wanting it to be different?”  Then I “should” all over myself – I shouldn’t feel this way, I should focus on the positive, I should, I should I should.  Where is it written that there is something wrong with feeling crappy about something once in awhile?  Okay, I feel crappy about this situation at the moment – it doesn’t mean I am going to spend the rest of my life in this frame of mind.  and please don’t tell me about someone worse off, that just makes me cranky and dismissed me.  I need to see that myself, not having it constantly pointed out to me.

Interestingly enough, I have tried the Eckhart Tolle suggestion when I hurt in the middle of the night and it has helped at times.  Some days ego is in charge and it feels as if  it is too much effort to make the switch and I continue to feel sorry for myself.    Sometimes writing it all down helps – I have tried many things n the middle of the night to either make myself more comfortable or do other things to keep my mind off my pain.

Phooey!  I have been sitting here raking through my difficult times and it’s time to do something else.  I need to put my shoes on and go walk out in the sunshine for a few minutes – we don’t have sun that often here.  I am not sure I have made any progress but the writing has helped to express some of my questions and frustrations.  I wonder what other people do in the wee hours to relieve some of the pain.  I am always open to suggestions.

What Am I Thinking?

July 17, 2010

I was listening to Conscious Talk radio on my way to an appointment and heard the last bit of Krysta Gibson of New Spiritual Journal.  I know her through my networking at the Holistic Chamber of Commerce and Good Company lunches and enjoy what she writes.  That morning she was talking about  Life as a journey , to enjoy the ride and look out the window at everything around you.  It isn’t a big struggle to attain an monumental goal using all your energy and might, then there is nothing left to work towards.  Those goals are stops on the way.  (My apologies Krysta of I have misquoted you.)  That’s what I heard and it made me realize I haven’t been enjoying the ride or looking out the window at all the cool things of my life.  Instead I have been always looking at  the future, when I have less pain, when I am flexible, when I have more energy, etc.  Not a comfortable thought because I may have missed opportunities for myself and also to help others.  Too focused on me, but on the negatives – just as Ego loves it.  When I had my 60th birthday three years ago, I decided I wanted the last third of my life to be very different – filled with joy, fun, love and adventure.  I have done many self development things and certainly Ike Pono has really made a difference – it keeps on helping me to have the life I decided I wanted on my birthday.  The difficulty is I am still operating on a lot of the old mindsets, somebody else’s training and fears.  I came across something this morning that  was a slap upside the head, a very vivid reminder about what I have been thinking a feeling so much of my life.  The good news was, there was also the way to change that mindset into a positive thought pattern.  Now I would love to tell you I thought it up all by myself, but I didn’t.  I have to thank Brian Vaszily of The Intense Experiences for this  – he called it a mediation.

Success Manifesto

Life is how I am.
If I keep struggling to get more, my life will be a struggle filled with lack.

I have all I need, I am grateful, and anything more is just more of a gift.

Success Manifesto

If I hold anger in, anger will increasingly weigh my life down.

I accept that anger happens, but I always release it and so I fly.
If I keep telling myself I am a survivor, I will then merely survive.

I am born to thrive in my life, and so in all I do I accept that I will thrive.

If I let guilt control me, I will never live the happy life that is mine.
I consider what matters carefully, then act upon only one voice: my own.

If I keep repeating that there is never enough time, time will always run out.
I have been given all the time I need in life; it is up to me to use it wisely.
If I worry about what might go wrong in my life, the worry itself will shrivel me.

I am honest, able and complete; with that I meet the challenges that do come.
If I see certain steps I take as failing, I will hesitate to move forward.

All movement is forward movement in my life, and so I keep moving.
If I give in to my fears, my life will be a fearful place.

I move through fears that would block me from me, and so I live free.

If I keep longing for luck, my life will seem unlucky to me.

I am here, I can choose to do, and that is all the luck I need.

Life is not something that happens to me.

Life is how I am.

Thank You Brian, I needed to hear that and I realize it is something I can read every day to keep myself in balance and who knows, learn to enjoy the ride of this life as I look out the window.

And so shall it be.

Fear of Falling

July 3, 2010

One of my biggest fears is falling because I can not get up by myself.  If there are stairs going down, I can wiggle my butt on the floor over to the stairs and put my feet down the stairs to stand upright.  Not a pretty picture, but effective.   Last Sunday morning I took my shower and when I was stepping out of the tub, I fell backwards, hitting my head and back on the tiles, and landing on my tush with feet over the edge.  It happened so fast,  one second I was up, the next I was down  This definitely was a huge dilemma because I had no idea how I would get out and upright again.  My husband  and I tried several things, but unfortunately I am a very substantial woman.  We tried several things that weren’t working, so I sat for a couple of minutes and asked God to help me find a way out.  I finally was able to painfully rest on my right knee with a towel under it and straddle the edge, then pull myself up with the grab bar above me.    When I was done, I could see bruises on my breasts beginning to form.  Later they were quite technicolor.

And yet, the fall was a gift.  I was surprised to find myself thinking that way.  What I realized was how well my husband and I worked it out together calmly, neither of us was upset or panicky.  I also thank him and told him how much I appreciated his calm and help – plus I wasn’t crying and really upset.  I took some Rescue Remedy, which is a big help in upsets and I was able to go and do the  staffing for Ike Pono that day.  I was also doing well the next day – seems the 2nd day is when I begin to feel it.  Since then, it has been quite uncomfortable and I haven’t slept comfortably for awhile.  I have also not been able to use the computer much, so I wasn’t able to write about it until today.  I have had so many thoughts this week and frustrated not to be able to write them out – seems to help me a lot to express things on paper.

I think about the other times I have fallen, sometimes I was alone and other times there were people there who literally picked me up.  I remember one morning I was going early to a networking group and I fell on the drive.  I was alone and my first thought was “How am I going to get up from here?”.  I inched my way on the ground to the car where I had left the driver’s door open as I went to put the garage door down.  I stepped wrong and if I had fallen just a couple of degrees more to the left, I would have hit the hood of the car.  Instead I went face first in to the dirt.  I was able to pull myself up by the steering wheel and then rest my tush on the bottom of the door, then pull myself into the seat with the hand hold above the door.  Needless to say, I didn’t go anywhere that morning and acquired my first black eye.  Certainly didn’t help my glasses and I finally had to have them adjusted back to normal at the optometrist.  The second time I landed on my face – in a store – I ended up with a matched set of black eyes.

Each time I have fallen, I have managed to get back up – yet I still fear falling because I don’t know how I will get up.  maybe that is the Universe telling me I am creating my worst fear, plus I have been able to get back up each time.  Obviously my focus is on the negative, so what I focus on increases.  So much of it comes from early training and it has been hard to sort out the truth after so many years of negativity.  I have been focusing so much on what isn’t working, what parts hurt and don’t have range of motion any more.  The old “looking at what I can’t do rather than all the things I can do”.  In my work I use the computer a lot and I get frustrated when my shoulders and back hurt after long periods researching and creating quotes on the computer.  Then I pay for it with being uncomfortable afterwards and pain in the middle of night that keeps me from sleeping.  I have to acknowledge I don’t take frequent breaks, walk outside in the fresh air and probably don’t use my time efficiently.  I tend to get caught up in it and often explore other off shoots that don’t actually pertain to what I am doing.  If I am willing to see the truth about myself and my circumstances, it means I have to be willing to see where I am doing it to myself as well as what circumstances are part of it.

So what have I learned from all this?  So far I have been able to pick myself up after falling – sometimes by myself, other times with the help of other people.  That people are willing to help if I am willing to let them – sometimes there is a lot of  feeling “I need to do as much as I can myself so I don’t feel or become helpless”.  I can accept help without becoming helpless and that people are ready to help.  I remember once someone saying to me that “you are so damn independent”.  Just goes to show that what I am feeling on the inside doesn’t always show on the outside.  I have also been learning the gifts come in different forms and not always the way I might expect.  There is certainly something to focusing on the gift in something rather than seeing it as a mistake, bad judgement or being clumsy.  This time I saw the gift in the fall and although the result is uncomfortable, I see my other half in a different light and let him know I love, appreciate, trust and respect him. It has made a difference in our relationship and that is a true gift.


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