Gift of RA

One of my biggest fears is falling because I can not get up by myself.  If there are stairs going down, I can wiggle my butt on the floor over to the stairs and put my feet down the stairs to stand upright.  Not a pretty picture, but effective.   Last Sunday morning I took my shower and when I was stepping out of the tub, I fell backwards, hitting my head and back on the tiles, and landing on my tush with feet over the edge.  It happened so fast,  one second I was up, the next I was down  This definitely was a huge dilemma because I had no idea how I would get out and upright again.  My husband  and I tried several things, but unfortunately I am a very substantial woman.  We tried several things that weren’t working, so I sat for a couple of minutes and asked God to help me find a way out.  I finally was able to painfully rest on my right knee with a towel under it and straddle the edge, then pull myself up with the grab bar above me.    When I was done, I could see bruises on my breasts beginning to form.  Later they were quite technicolor.

And yet, the fall was a gift.  I was surprised to find myself thinking that way.  What I realized was how well my husband and I worked it out together calmly, neither of us was upset or panicky.  I also thank him and told him how much I appreciated his calm and help – plus I wasn’t crying and really upset.  I took some Rescue Remedy, which is a big help in upsets and I was able to go and do the  staffing for Ike Pono that day.  I was also doing well the next day – seems the 2nd day is when I begin to feel it.  Since then, it has been quite uncomfortable and I haven’t slept comfortably for awhile.  I have also not been able to use the computer much, so I wasn’t able to write about it until today.  I have had so many thoughts this week and frustrated not to be able to write them out – seems to help me a lot to express things on paper.

I think about the other times I have fallen, sometimes I was alone and other times there were people there who literally picked me up.  I remember one morning I was going early to a networking group and I fell on the drive.  I was alone and my first thought was “How am I going to get up from here?”.  I inched my way on the ground to the car where I had left the driver’s door open as I went to put the garage door down.  I stepped wrong and if I had fallen just a couple of degrees more to the left, I would have hit the hood of the car.  Instead I went face first in to the dirt.  I was able to pull myself up by the steering wheel and then rest my tush on the bottom of the door, then pull myself into the seat with the hand hold above the door.  Needless to say, I didn’t go anywhere that morning and acquired my first black eye.  Certainly didn’t help my glasses and I finally had to have them adjusted back to normal at the optometrist.  The second time I landed on my face – in a store – I ended up with a matched set of black eyes.

Each time I have fallen, I have managed to get back up – yet I still fear falling because I don’t know how I will get up.  maybe that is the Universe telling me I am creating my worst fear, plus I have been able to get back up each time.  Obviously my focus is on the negative, so what I focus on increases.  So much of it comes from early training and it has been hard to sort out the truth after so many years of negativity.  I have been focusing so much on what isn’t working, what parts hurt and don’t have range of motion any more.  The old “looking at what I can’t do rather than all the things I can do”.  In my work I use the computer a lot and I get frustrated when my shoulders and back hurt after long periods researching and creating quotes on the computer.  Then I pay for it with being uncomfortable afterwards and pain in the middle of night that keeps me from sleeping.  I have to acknowledge I don’t take frequent breaks, walk outside in the fresh air and probably don’t use my time efficiently.  I tend to get caught up in it and often explore other off shoots that don’t actually pertain to what I am doing.  If I am willing to see the truth about myself and my circumstances, it means I have to be willing to see where I am doing it to myself as well as what circumstances are part of it.

So what have I learned from all this?  So far I have been able to pick myself up after falling – sometimes by myself, other times with the help of other people.  That people are willing to help if I am willing to let them – sometimes there is a lot of  feeling “I need to do as much as I can myself so I don’t feel or become helpless”.  I can accept help without becoming helpless and that people are ready to help.  I remember once someone saying to me that “you are so damn independent”.  Just goes to show that what I am feeling on the inside doesn’t always show on the outside.  I have also been learning the gifts come in different forms and not always the way I might expect.  There is certainly something to focusing on the gift in something rather than seeing it as a mistake, bad judgement or being clumsy.  This time I saw the gift in the fall and although the result is uncomfortable, I see my other half in a different light and let him know I love, appreciate, trust and respect him. It has made a difference in our relationship and that is a true gift.