Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

In This Moment

September 26, 2014

It has not been the easiest week I have had, so I am working on seeing where the gifts are in it.  It may take some more time and more work to take the emotion out of it before the gifts become clear.

I have had that “coming down with something” feeling all week.  When I had such a dry throat into Wednesday morning, I knew I needed to go see Cindy for some acupuncture to nip it in the bud.  I went to Breakfast Club in the morning, felt as if I hadn’t been there for several weeks.  Then I went to visit Mom – not a good day.  It was her 96th birthday.  As I wrote in an email to my two sisters and my good friend Char:

Mom didn’t know who I was and told me to go away.  I know it’s not personal, even so, it still hurts and it is hard not to take it personally.  I took her an apple pie and brownies for the house; also gave her the maple sugar candy from Ellen.  It didn’t register.  I’m still looking at it personally and emotionally; working on the objectivity part – slow going.  I am not even sure what I am feeling beyond upset.  I probably need time  to let it simmer on the back burner, maybe I can put it in words for myself.

My older sister  sent this :

Happy birthday to Mom, though she may not know it; we do. Just read Lee’s post from Sunday, and even at this distance it’s a “sucker punch to the stomach” to hear about her. I’m so glad Char, who knows, was there with you, Lee. Still, we honor her for all she did in her earlier life, how much she gave to us, and whatever may be happening with her now in the “thin places.” My love to you both, her other daughters.

Later after the  Wednesday email, my younger sister had this to say:

My last verbal contact with Mom was on my birthday a year ago. I called, and she was having a bad day, and yelled at me and hung up the phone. I had only just gotten long distance back (long story, no need to elaborate) and felt glad that I could call her after not being able to for a couple of months. 

It was a strange gift. Mom always said when we had our Sunday phone conversations when she knew she was heading into the thin places, “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay.” And I told her, as things got dimmer, “It’s okay for you to go, Mom. Don’t worry about us, we’ll be okay and we’ll see you on the other side.” When she yelled and hung up, I felt she was giving me permission to stop trying so hard, and to let her go on a new level. It was out of my power and control. 
It’s a new moon in Libra today, and a day of new beginnings. As Ellen said (and Daddy, too) we must put this ending/new beginning in God’s hands now. For some reason, this is how Mom needs to make her transition. She’s saying goodbye and releasing her worries about us (she worried all the time) and releasing us, and releasing all definitions of who she was, except that she is more than what she is right now. She’s letting go of all boundaries and restrictions even as the circle of her human body becomes smaller and smaller, more diminished with each day that passes.  It is the only way she can do this now, to sink into the dementia and into eventual rest. 
Lee, it’s the hardest place, to be there and see and feel it, and I know you have such a tender heart. But in God’s hands, it is not personal or a rejection of you. Or of any of us. 
It is a liberation. If she cannot remember, if she must be in that other world where we cannot follow (at this time) she needs that space, as Ruth, not as a our mother, or any role she played in life. She’s getting ready for the next life, entering a “womb.” She is giving us permission to release her, and to be who we are meant to become in the years after she passes. The strange gifts of mortality. 
Just take it slow, be easy on yourself, know you have done your best, and allow the mystery of this strange “permission” to go on with your own life to enter your heart. Good days might happen again. Bad days, too. Like weather, let it be what it is, and know that it’s not in your control, you’re not responsible for it, and you do not have to fix it or live up to some heroic task. It’s a hero’s journey to be there in the process, and I love you for it, and pray for you. 
It’s a long goodbye, but the same kind of goodbye we had to say to Daddy. He went quickly, Mom needed a longer journey (perhaps because, as much as she wanted to go be with Daddy, she had a hard time really letting go of us). Soul work is mystery at this stage, and your great gift is being present, even when there is nothing you can give or do any more. You got her into a safe place for this stage of the journey, and are watching over her as best you can. Ellen and I can only be present in prayer and meditation. 
Mom knows you’re there, that we care. She just needs to let go of life (and us) in her own way. In many ways, it’s permission to acknowledge that even when Mom was here in full mind and strength, there were many things we were unable to share with her, many ways we could not reach her, and many ways that only the soul’s relationship to itself will satisfy. 
My older sister wrote in response:
Just wanted to say thanks for the things you wrote yesterday. One thing especially was very helpful to me: the idea that Mom has always been so attached to us, worried for us, that it may be quite difficult to let go of her children. We none of us can deeply understand that.
Then I had an email from Char, who has been through it with her Mom:
You are right, it’s not personal, and you have to keep reminding yourself of that.  Not always easy to do.  Fortunately, you have 67 years of knowing your mom loves you, and that hasn’t changed–she still does, it’s just that she sometimes doesn’t remember that.  You have to remember it for her, I guess.
 
I remember when my mom was going thru this….with her, the big issue was that she couldn’t talk, and that was so frustrating!!  Not just from the standpoint of not being able to hold a conversation, but also from that of just not hearing her voice At All…..Sometimes I would forget what it sounded like.
 
I’m sure you may have heard the story about the elderly man who went to see his wife, in an Alzheimer’s care facility, every day, and someone asking him why he kept going, since she no longer remembered who he was, and his answer was, “but I remember who She is.”
It really helped me to  see the situation from a different perspective – I realized today when I went to see Mom It’s NOT about me.  It’s still very emotional for me and it was hard that Mom really didn’t know who I was again today.  Because she is having trouble eating, I won’t bring her chocolate or cookies any more.  Not sure what to bring her that will be easy for her to eat.  She was very sleepy this morning, so I may try visiting in the afternoon to see if she is a little more with it.
It is truly a matter of dealing with what is in this moment.

Happy Butterflies!

September 15, 2014

It has come and gone this morning – I did my first radio show at 9:30.  I have been excited, apprehensive, impatient and so many other feelings.  Sometimes it felt as if it would never come and it was coming too fast – all at the same time.  The past three weeks I have been thinking about what I would say, then found myself ad libbing.  I had happy butterflies in my stomach – since fear and excitement feel the same, I chose to have excited, happy butterflies – they kept the downer butterflies from taking over.

I think I understand a bit what people mean when they prefer an audience because you can interact with them.  It was just Benny and me in the studio with a microphone in my face – no idea if there was any reaction.  A strange experience, so I will have to make sure I have notes with me next week.  All the things I had thought about saying were gone.  I talked a bit about my history, mentioned RA and also a bit about Mom and dementia as well as remembering to announce the name of the show, my name and where to find me.  I also remembered to mention twice about becoming a sponsor – that marketing is an investment, not a line item in the budget that can be jettisoned when things are tough .  I also remembered to say you are selfish if you don’t market, how are people who can benefit from what you offer find you?

I also met the three ladies who have the show before me – and now they are talking about ending their show after three years.  Everyone has been so friendly and helpful, I finally met Benny after some emails and hearing him for several years while I’ve listened to the station.  Interesting to say he is my producer.  It all feels a little unreal at the moment.  Mostly I am getting used to it and finding my rhythm.  I may try some phone calls in a week or two and see how that goes.  Then I will add guests – if I am comfortable doing the show, they will be.

After the break I was  trying to figure out what to say – a couple of giraffe moments but otherwise it was fine.  I asked people listening to send me a postcard or card to tell me who they are and where they are from – this station is in about 35 countries.  I haven’t wrapped my head around that one yet.  So it will be interesting to see if anything arrives by next Monday.  I had emails from Erik and talked to Brian, plus Benny sent me an email saying I did a great job – in all caps.

I have been feeling all kinds of emotions since I set this in motion – how amazing to find myself on the radio talking about my life with RA and other things.  Some it is just a feeling of unreality, that it is actually happening.  Because I was a bit nervous and had happy flutters, I sat quietly in the car when I arrived in the building where the studio is.  I sat quietly, took some deep breaths and asked the Universe to  give me what ever was necessary, I would just show up and get out of the way.  It turned out well and I am glad I did that before going upstairs.

I used to do that when I was doing speeches for the Conn. Chapter of the Arthritis Foundation.  I had a list of things I had to cover – basic facts of arthritis – and if time was short, I would jettison my stories.  I never knew who was in the audience and what they need to hear, so giving it to the Universe was the best way to go.  At times people come up to me and thank me or say they learned so much.  I also figured there were a lot of people who never said anything to me but heard what they needed at the time.  I’ve decided I have been doing my purpose in life without realizing it – much more effective that way.

I left the studio and went down to Kent to see Dr. Cheryl for my chiropractic adjustment.  A bit of a letdown – there was not any fanfare doing the show and then  they were on to the next show.  When I finished, I felt tired, so I came home and had a lie down – I must have slept because the next thing I knew, Eddie was home at 4.  It didn’t feel more than a half hour or 45 minutes.

We’ll see how it goes next week – Benny will be away and Taylor will be in the studio.  Lots of information and experience in a short time.

Bits And Bobs

July 6, 2014

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This is one of those times when I want to write but haven’t an idea what to write about.  Usually something has happened, I have learned or discovered something, someone said or did something  unusual – none of it comes to mind.  I ave noticed the moles are back – they have been digging in the bed by the porch and I can see the holes, not just a pile of dirt.  They are busy little bodies, that’s for sure.

I have been working on my RA book; I think I have a better handle on the program now.  I decided to use my sister Ellen’s ocean pictures for the cover and also the chapter headings – looks pretty good.  When I feel I have the hang of the program, I will work on the book about dementia – both Ellen and Candy have flower photos and I think those will fit Mom because she loved gardening.  As for my garden, well that’s another story.  Nothing else has been done since I messed up my knee – I don’t think it is the best thing to do at the moment.  I did receive the flower seed mats and I have decided to use quilt block patterns to set them out – maybe with white stones to outline them.  I need to cut them in squares and diamonds ready to be put down.

As for the knee from my slide; I am doing better, I just started my third week of it.  I have been seeing Cheryl, my chiropractor and she has helped; mostly it is resting and taking care of myself.  I don’t do a lot in a day, just what I need to do and I have been having naps at times.  I’ve been using my cane when I go out, around the house I do okay.  It was hard to bend my knee to walk and now it is slowly getting better.  I think of the things I need and want to do, then I feel too tired to do anything about it.  I keep forgetting it takes a lot of energy to deal with it and rest is so important.  This too will pass – it always does.

I look around the office and keep thinking how much I need to clean out and organize.  There are things I no longer need and when I take the clutter out of my mind and home, there will be room for new things and ideas.  I am a pack rat, though getting less so – it’s the sentimental streak that gets me.  That is how I feel about the things someone gave me, or I used to use, etc.  Too much emotion invested in things.  One thing I have been learning through Mom and dementia is to take the emotion out of it.  Taking it personally is also part of it.  Now I am working on taking the emotion out of things – I have pictures and they  have been part of my life since I can remember.  But I am living my life, not my parents’ life – I want to have my own things around me.  Not sure I remember what I have any more, 12 years is a long time.

It is our life now – Eddie’s and mine.  I guess I feel a bit disloyal selling or giving away Mom and Dad’s things.  But it is also disloyal to Eddie to not have our things upstairs.  I feel caught in the middle a bit, I want to move on with our life together.  I think I am finally at that point I am ready to let go for myself.  The advice to people is to wait a year before making any major decisions – it is almost 2 years since Mom moved to the adult family home.  She won’t be coming home or need anything now, she isn’t really aware of anything outside where she lives.  (I think I am actually writing this to myself).

This is probably the first July 4th in quite a while that we have had sun for several days.  We tend to joke that summer doesn’t start until July 5th, this is one summer that seems to be more “normal” (if you can define that).  The sun and clouds have been playing hide go seek with each other, sometimes it is a hazy sun – not my favorite.  We actually had almost 90 on Tuesday – much to warms for me.  since I found out we have a furnace fan, I turn that on to help cool things off upstairs and bring some warmth and dryness to the basement.  It works pretty well, so Eddie and I were comfortable sleeping that night.  If it is going to be partly cloudy, then make it clear blue sky, bright sun and white puffy clouds.  I don’t mind the clouds covering the sun for a bit – it has a lighter feel,  hazy sunshine reminds me too much of L.A. and smog or East Coast with hazy, hot and humid.  I think go it as the difference between having a bad headache and feeling great.

This seems to be a bit of a mind dump – just things running through my head.  It would be a whole lot longer if I wrote about everything whirling around up there.

Working Smarter

April 22, 2014

In February 2011, I had client ask for several quotes on short notice.  I worked my tail off for four days straight and finished before the deadline.  However, in the process I really wrecked up my right shoulder and was in such pain – I kept thinking it would soon relax and right itself, but it didn’t.  Not only was it the ice pick in the back of my shoulder, it was the stiff neck and very sore and inflamed shoulder joint.  To be honest, I was a mess.

That began the most intense three years of my life.  I started seeing Debye for massage for the shoulder pain and found it hard to do anything for quite a while.  I hurt so much and had trouble sleeping at night – not one of my of my better periods.   I started doing better after I began massages with Debye in May or June – way too long to get help – and then things began to really show up with Mom and dementia.   Around  July and August was the time when I couldn’t leave her by herself any more.  It was a very difficult time because I was recovering from the shoulder and it meant I couldn’t go out any more.  By December I was way past overwhelm and far into over my head.

I waited to long to find help – I kept thinking “It’s not that bad” but it was.  I was brought up with “Don’t ask for help, don’t bother or burden people”.  It finally hit me – I had been doing that all my life, especially with RA!  I remember talking to my sister Ellen on the phone around that time; I mentioned the Don’t ask for help thing and she had three words for me  – Ditch it, Girl!  She knew exactly what I was talking about, all three of us had been doing it for decades.  So I asked for help from the Alzheimer’s Association and finally had the help I needed.

February of 2012 I broke my hip tripping over my Mom – that sent me to the hospital and rehab for 8 weeks with another 4 in outpatient therapy.  By that time, my doctor, my family, my friends were really worried about me.  The therapists at rehab told me if I went back to what I was doing, I would be back in rehab permanently.   I realized I couldn’t keep taking care of mom without some major help.  I had arranged caregivers during the day so I could get out for a few hours a week for a break, but it was also time to think seriously of long-term decisions.

I went through paperwork to enroll Mom in the Providence Elderplace program – they would take care of all her needs and provide caregivers when she wasn’t at the Center.  It was good for her to go to the Center and be with other people – all the staff there is wonderful with all the people.    Also, her new doctor, PT, OT and anything else she needed was there.  They helped me find a really good adult family home for Mom because she was needing more and more care.  In October 2012 we moved her there and it was just the right time.  She was still able to socialize, any longer and it would have been harder.

More paperwork, then even more to apply for Medicaid – by that time I had gotten her checking account down to $2000 and sold everything to pay her monthly bill for Providence.  At the same time, we were applying for a loan and vast amounts of paperwork for that.  February 2013 Mom was approved for Medicaid but it wasn’t until the beginning of June when the mortgage went through.  Then 4 or 5 weeks of kitchen remodel for a wonderful kitchen.  So many other things still to do for the house.  I have been trying to sell the furniture so we can have our own things around us, but not much luck.  I don’t know if I just don’t know how to do it or if something is holding me back.    Plus, so much cleaning out!

February of this year I past the 2 year mark of breaking my hip.  My rheumatologist said 70% people who break a bone will break another one within 2 years.   I was determined to be in the 30% and I made it – no falls or broken bones since the hip. So here we are in 2014 and it feels like a brand new start.  I have decided to move our furniture upstairs and my parents down to the basement.  We need to paint the living room and I want Brad to create a new mantle with crown molding.  it has been raining so consistently I haven’t had enough clear days to move furniture and not get it wet.

So what does all of this have to do with working smarter?  I had a call from the client I worked with 3 years ago when I spent four days straight on her quotes.  I had a week to update them and this time, I paced myself over the week.  Yes, it meant I worked a lot on Easter but I wanted to be able to finish on Monday and feel human.  By George, I did it!  I took my time, took breaks, went out to do things and didn’t allow myself to get antsy in the that “Got to get it down” mindset.  She has a board meeting today where she will present i – no idea if the board will go for it this time or not.  They vetoed it three years ago.

So here I am, 3 years older and a whole lot smarter and wiser.   I have been doing a lot of quotes and very happy to report a lot of them have turned into orders.  I am surprised to look up and find my life has changed a lot from Feb 2014 – I’m not sure how it happened, I know I have changed a lot as well.  I am better at asking for help, knowing that when something comes up, I can handle it, especially knowing I have friends and colleagues I can turn to for help.  If it hadn’t been for Dave Gagley and all his help with Mom’s stuff, I would have been in a rubber room.  So many people are willing and happy to help, now I have ways to help other people when they are dealing with some of what I have been doing.

The hardest part is going to see Mom twice a week at the adult family home.  She can’t really carry on a conversation in worlds I understand, though it is in a very conversational tone – she understands it but the circuits between her brain and her mouth have too many shorts now.  I read to her, take my iPad to play music she likes and of course, she loves the chocolate and cookies I bring every time.  I don’t ever want her to think I have abandoned her, so I visit and enjoy what I can with her.  She is usually glad to see me, whether she recognizes me as her daughter or just a familiar presence.

Why Do I Have RA?

April 20, 2014

That’s a very good question, one I haven’t quite  understood after 43 years.  I talked to a medical intuitive a while back and she told me it was only my energy; I was hoping there was also someone else’s energy that could be cleared.  So it is all me – wonder what caused me to decide to experience it in this lifetime.

There is a quotation “Things are not done TO you, but FOR you”.  Well, that one takes some pondering – something I have spent a long time doing but not  really reaching any conclusions or answers.  Does that mean it is karma in some form, balancing out something from a past life?  I believe I have had past lives, though so far I haven’t remembered them myself.  Am I supposed to – is it necessary for this time on earth?  Sometime s I feel I have more questions than answers.

Is there something about my life that is overwhelming and I don’t know how to deal with it?Am I reluctant to take responsibility for things?  What things would that be?  Or is it for protection so I don’t have to deal with certain things “because I have RA”?  I realize I look at everything in terms of RA.  I see things I would like to do, but then see the physical obstacles that could prevent me because my joints aren’t always flexible.  I felt that way about riding the Duck, the steps were a little steep and somewhat difficult to navigate, but I went up and then back down.  Sometimes I am afraid to try – in case I fail and can’t actually do it.

Oh my, I can see I set myself up to fail by not giving something a try.  Part of it comes from feeling clumsy and awkward; I would rather not put myself in that position.  I also realize I am limiting myself – that I have put those limitations on myself.  I have felt clumsy and awkward most of my life, I was the overweight (not that much but enough) middle child between two slender sisters.  I don’t really know how it feels to be thinner.  I lost about 35 pounds when I was in junior college; now I realize I didn’t really believe it or feel it was really me.

Enough about that – it is the past and no longer something I want to focus my energy.  What just occurred to me is that RA may be possibly part of my Life Lesson and Life Purpose.  Maybe these are things I want to heal in this lifetime.  I was about to say “I think”  instead of stating it because I have always been like that.  One of my Life Lessons is standing up for myself, speaking my truth – at this point there isn’t an “I think” about it.  Another is taking back my power – what a wonderful discovery to realize I do have power when I always thought before that I didn’t have any.  What a concept!

I also realize I have had a very negative view of RA – it was done TO me.  I was an innocent victim sideswiped by RA – don’t think I can see it that way any more.  I have been writing about the gifts in RA, a much more positive view than in the beginning.  Anything to do with past lives, Spirit, etc. was not talked about because people who did were weird.  Heavy duty hocus pocus, woo woo and goofball stuff.  Yet that goofball stuff has really helped me, to understand a little better and also to take personal responsibility rather than continue seeing myself as a victim.

This seems a collection of random thoughts to me – I’m not sure it has logic or continuity to it.  As I write, thoughts come to me and I write them down.  It is one of those t imps where I am not sure where it is leading.  I admit to having to stop and wonder what to write next, then a thought comes and I start writing again.

I just thought of Louise Hay and what she wrote in her book “You Can Heal Your Life”.  She said that when you truly love yourself, things will sort themselves out – my words.  I have been focusing on two major things for quite a while – Loving Myself and Life Purpose.  So much of what goes on is a result of my thoughts and as she says “It’s just a thought and a thought can be changed”.   Also I have read and heard that what I am experiencing now is from thoughts not very long ago.  The problem I am having is recognizing what those thoughts are that continue RA and what the positives are to replace them.  I know a lot of those negative thoughts have been there for a very long time and it is hard to recognize them.

What surprises me is that my Mom’s dementia has brought some of the programs into the light so I can recognize them.  Then I realize how I have been operating with them all my life without knowing it.  I may not know yet the “Why” but I am learning ways to see what has been happening all my life; plus what and how I can change thoughts that once served me but are now invalid.  I am slowly creating new positive thoughts and patterns for this stage of my life.

From Stress To Happy Dance To Stress – Part 1

May 21, 2013

Last week was a crazy time for me.  I wrote yesterday about the week before – last week had its own ups and downs – who knows what this week will bring.  Monday I check my Soul Card reading and found these 2 cards:

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First Card is from Doreen Virtue’s Guidebook for Magical Mermaids and Dolphins:

Pay Attention

“Notice repetitious signs and your inner guidance, as this can yield valuable information. It’s not your imagination that Heaven is sending you signs and Divine guidance. Anytime you hear something three or more times, especially within a short amount of time period, it’s information worthy of your attention.”

Soul Guidance:

What is the Universe saying to you? Look for the common thread.

Don’t ignore your Soul’s guidance because she may do some “crazy” things if you don’t listen.

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Second Card is from Sonia Choquette’s Oracle Cards Guidebook:

Epiphany/Higher Self: Inspiration, Breakthrough, Revelation, and Divine Guidance.

“The flow of communication between you and your Higher Self is strengthening daily, allowing you to directly access your Spirit Guides, Angels, and Spirit Teachers more readily. As you contact with your Higher Self deepens, answers will suddenly plop into your consciousness, like gifts from above.”

Soul Guidance:

Your Higher Self is the megaphone of your Soul.

It’s so interesting to see that both cards speak about the same thing. Pay attention to what the Universe and your Higher Self are trying to say to you.

Is it time to take action upon a long procrastinated idea, or is it time to commit to your unique purpose?

Or are you guided to take a leap in moving forward?

I have been noticing my higher self coming through more – I am not listening to ego quite as much and when she comes out, I thank her and tell her I choose something else.  I feel there is something coming, not sure exactly what but it feels like something wonderful.  I am rather impatient to find out what it is, the time for it is coming soon.  I am amazed at how the cards reflect what is happening in my life.

Always a good start to the week.  I had my appointment with Dr. Cheryl for my adjustment – she has really helped my shoulder and neck so much.  I was having some problem with my neck and she made such a difference, I could feel as if there were knots and she did a great job.  It is amazing how she can give a wonderful back and neck rub while adjusting and aligning.

I had the rest of the day to myself, so I came home and had some lunch before having a lie down.  I find myself yawning and tired when I am finished with the adjustment.  I wanted to write a post since I hadn’t for a bit, but the nap turned out to be the best thing for me at that moment.

Tuesday turned out to be MY day – the one I missed the week before because of the computer.  I slept for as long as I wanted, had a long hot shower – except it now isn’t quite as hot.  This has been frustrating because it comes and goes, so I know something isn’t right.  Eddie doesn’t seem to notice but I certainly do.  There are times when I wondered if I was going nuts.   Anyway, I just decided to do or not do whatever I felt like doing – nothing HAD to be done, just whatever came up for me.  How lovely the day was for me.

Wednesday was Breakfast Club and I talked to John the plumber about the hot water – he was at home Tuesday and if I had called, he would have come.  So we arranged for Friday morning.  Then I had to leave because I needed to be at Mom’s before 9:45.  She had an appointment to have a mammogram, as far as I know, the first one she has had.  When we enrolled her in the ElderPlace program, they did a physical.  There was a lump and they have been keeping an eye on it the past few months.  It had gotten bigger so they decided to do the mammogram.

I will admit to feeling very stressed about it, how she would do, how cooperative, etc.  Then I decided I was looking at it in the negative, so I asked the Universe to create the solution with all the words, attitudes, actions, etc. and I would just show up and get out of the way.  I will admit I was somewhat tense when I went, especially  because she wasn’t sure what it was all about.  The Tri-Med cabulance came and she ended up going to sleep on the way downtown.  I decided to do the cabulance was to be there for Mom all the way as well as be a calming influence for her rather than just meet her at the office.

 I met her at her house and Tri-Med took us in to Swedish Breast Center on 1st hill; she slept almost all the way in.  They took us up to the office and while Mom waited, I went through a dog and pony show – I  thought Providence would have everything set up, but the Center had their own balderdash.
       All of the techs were really great, very helpful and friendly, very gentle with Mom.    She wasn’t all that pleased about any of it, especially when it came to being the filling in a the sandwich.  They had trouble with the side shots – by then she had had enough.  So we went to another room so they could do an ultrasound.  They told me they didn’t think it was benign, so they wanted her back for a biopsy.  The appointment was made for Friday afternoon.  Tri-Med came back and she slept most of the way back to her house.
I was glad to get back in time for Eddie and me to go to our appointment at Apple.  I fixed up my computer for the box in the morning and Eddie was going to put it together for me.  He needed to learn to use it and I needed help with mine as well.  We ended up changing techs in mid stream so we both learned a lot.

Good Days, Not So Good Days

April 13, 2013

I haven’t been writing lately, seems as if things have gotten in my way – or let them get in the way.  I just put up a new post that I have been working on since the last one I wrote about it.  Could be a matter of Life happening while I am planning.

I have noticed in the last 2 or 3 weeks that Mom has been having more not so good days – or is that simply my connotation of it.  Last week I went to see her and brought two long sleeve tees for her and another pair of slippers.  When I had seen her the Friday before, she had lost one of the ties and was having trouble keeping that slipper on.  So I was going to bring the reds – both pair my sister Ellen had given her for different Christmas presents.  When I arrived, she was asleep, so I checked with Judy to see what was happening.  She said Mom hadn’t been sleeping very well at night – still haven’t quite figured out what is going on or what to do – so Mom sleeps during the day a lot.  I didn’t want to disturb her rest so I didn’t go in.  Judy told me Mom had taken the slipper without the tie and torn it so it couldn’t be worn again, then put it in her pillow case.

So I left the things and said I would be back Friday.  When I came back, Mom wasn’t there – she was at the Center for a UT test that Didi had ordered.  I decided to call on Saturday before I came – good things because Mom was resting.  I called on Sunday morning because Eddie had gone to the Museum Flight to do his docent stint and it turned out to be a good time for Mom.  So I went and had a lovely time with her;  we laughed,  remembered things and it was really good.  She seemed in good spirits and I was glad.  We talked about her walker, that she hated it.  When I asked her why, she said it was ugly.  So I suggested I would get some red ribbon and see if I could make it less ugly.  I told her I had to learn to use one in rehab and I didn’t like it, but I knew I had to so I could get better.  not sure what registered with her.

Tuesday I called before I left o see how she was doing; she had slept late and was eating breakfast.  Delores next door wanted visit so I took her over to see Mom.  She was sitting in the dining room and didn’t say a whole lot.  She had that old woman look – I am going to have to come to terms with that – and a somewhat defeated look.  Delores and I did a lot of the talking, Mom didn’t seem interested in saying much except a few responses to things.  She was cold so we got her the pink shawl and that helped a lot.  But she seemed to tire quickly, so we thought we should leave.

I asked the caregiver if she would help Mom get up and use the walker so she could rest a bit.  The older lady came and Mom took one look at her and told her she didn’t want her near her, to go away, the woman had hurt her and scratched her.  I am not sure how much is true, but I asked the younger woman to watch to see what happens.  I said I thought possibly someone who had helped her up and been too firm on Mom’s hands and had inadvertently caused the bruises.

I am going this afternoon and bringing the sugar-free cookies that I forgot to take on Tuesday.  Friday Jan gave me money to buy them since there are three who are diabetic and sugar isn’t good for the other three.  I was so embarrassed I had forgotten to take them Tuesday – I am upset when I don’t do what I promised – and they were disappointed.  So I have two sets – oatmeal and chocolate chip – and I will give Jan her money back because it was my bad.  I will update this post when I come home this afternoon.

Later that night:

Actually the visit went well, one of the good days.  I suspect the cookies helped as well.  They were all happy with cookies as well.  I tried to give Jan her money back but she wouldn’t take it – I told her it was my bad for not keeping my promise so the cookies are on me.  I found Mom in her room sitting on her bed hugging two of her bears.  The big one now named Marigold after her dad’s middle name.  Now she has another smaller bear, so I asked if it was a girl so we could think of a girl’s name.  I happen to look up at the butterfly hooked rug and suggested calling her Butterfly, but that didn’t go over at all. So I suggest a flower name, by then I wasn’t sure she was interested.

I talked to Didi and found out Mom has been very contrary for a while, not wanting anyone to help her bathe, put on clean clothes, etc.  Apparently she also will pull her hands away in mid lift, so far she has been close to something to sit back on.  Even at the Center she won’t let them near her to check to make she everything is all right.  I asked Didi if it would help if I was at the Center when they want to check her to see if she would be more willing.  We’ll see what happens.  Didi said that farther on she will be at peace with the situation but right now she fights them at every turn.  I have no idea what goes on in her head, I can’t imagine how confusing and scary it is for her.

I wrote this after I came home from seeing Mom, I wanted sleep on it before I published it.

Back To Waiting

October 7, 2012

After finally making a decision about Mom, I was back in waiting mode again.  The group at Providence had to do its business office drill and I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be.  I will be frank, the thought of having to do it a third time was not something I wanted to contemplate, much less do again.  But I put it God’s hands and asked that everything would done in a way that works.  I have been very neutral this week, not that excitement and relief I had the last time.  Maybe it is self preservation because it was such a let down with the other house fell apart.

Monday after I saw Didi the second time, I emailed the social worker to report on the three houses I had seen and also my visit to Didi.  She wrote back  “Our agency will complete the screening process and I’ll let you know as soon as I know if everything has cleared.”  I wasn’t sure what to make of that.  I thought it was settled – Didi had said the papers were ready, they were waiting for me to decide.  So I spent the week wondering – I did email the social worker to say I was a bit confused.  She wrote back that they are doing their best to take care of it and Mom – the process is slow.  Hmmm, sounds par for the course when officialdom is involved.  I had thought we could move Mom on Thursday – though I wasn’t holding my breath.  Good thing because it wasn’t moving day after all.

One thing that kept my mind off the situation was the three days John spent with his crew to cut back the rest of the jungle.  By George, we have a right side to our garage now.  I had forgotten how wide the north side of the house and garage is – it has been so overgrown no one can go through it.  John unearthed more tires and couple of car parts – had no idea they were there.  He also gave us the view back, gave the fruit trees a haircut and also the blueberries.  He kept his crew working, just as hard as he works himself.  There are other things that need doing but this is what made a huge difference.  I didn’t want to have everything done because I didn’t want to freak out Mom – I think this is more than enough at the moment.

Since Thursday wasn’t moving day, I went and had my massage, oh did that feel good!  I have been clearing out so much negativity and programs – still more to go.  What’s cool is that even though it is deep tissue massage, it doesn’t hurt as much as it did in the beginning.  I actually fell asleep a couple of weeks ago.  Debye is amazed at how different my body is from when we started, she sees it changing and healing as she is working.  She also said she admires me for doing the work, most people at 65 have decided their life is done and not interested in doing the work.  She says I am very determined to get to the truth – all I know is that I want to “know that I know” who I truly am and love, accept, approve and trust myself.

Friday I went to see my regular doc and he was pleased with ow I am doing; plus he was asking about Mom.  I told him what the situation was and he is fine with that.  I also had my haircut – not much left of it but so much easier to wash, comb and go.  I wonder sometimes if it makes make cheeks look chubbier, yet I have been given many compliments on it.  I will keep it and see what happens.

I also played telephone tag with the social worker Friday, she just asked me to call, no info otherwise.  I figured it could go either way, so I kept the neutral feeling.  We finally talked and the house has been approved, now she just wants to know when  the moving day is.  I need to call Kathy – she is on holiday and I don’t really like disturbing her.  I want her to help with the move because Mom likes and trusts her and she also has a lot of experience.  I suspect Mom may be very angry at me – if she needs a target, okay, I am it.  I am going to ask at Breakfast Club for a driver and pickup so I can take two of her chairs to the new house – she will have familiar things around her.

I still don’t have that excited feeling, very little emotion on it – wonder if that will change when the move is made?  I will say, I got a really good night’s sleep Friday night.  Last night was okay but some time I was awake in the middle of the night.  I am not making any plans for the days after Thursday, I want to be sure it is actually happening and she is settled in.  That may take a month or more, in case she needs to come back, things are still the same.

Moving Day That Wasn’t

September 12, 2012

When I went to Breakfast Club this morning, it was Moving Day for Mom to her adult family home.  I had spent yesterday creating lists of what she will take and getting some things ready.  Kathy came over this morning to help me choose her clothes and I got to use my permanent marking pen to put Mom’s name on the labels of her clothes. Kathy did laundry so everything was clean and ready to go.  She came by yesterday afternoon to have Mom pack a suitcase so she would feel she had a part in the process.  At the time Kathy left, she had some questions that I needed to ask Jas today.

I called Jas and asked the questions and she answered them for me.  Then she told me a situation had come up about  one of the requirements from Providence.  She was checking on it and would let me know.  I called Denise, the social worker, to see what she knew and what was happening.  I must admit, it really upset me that  there was a glitch that looked as if moving wasn’t going to happen – I might even have to start from square one again.  I felt like crying and Kathy said to just let it out – so I did.  There is still some left but I think I got a lot of it out then.  There is disappointment, let down, upset, frustration and  I am not sure what the emotion is about not having my life back after all.  I will admit to counting down the days and thinking last night it was the last night Mom would sleep here.

Kathy suggested we go out for lunch because I needed to get out of the house.  As we were leaving, Jas called and said she was going to take care of the requirement fully.  I said that was great, that we could do the move next Tuesday or Wednesday when everything was verified  by the social worker.  That way it isn’t a hurried situation.

I was thinking this morning that it was in God’s hands, whatever works.  It was a little hard to remember that when the glitch surfaced.  I got into a panic and thank goodness Kathy was there to calm me down and it is only a glitch.   I did do a few “God help me!” while setting an intention of surrendering, allowing and being willing.   The good part about it is that we have decided what to pack for her, so that is done.  I have gotten most of the items labelled, though some present a challenge.  So I will have to work out how to label those in the next week or so.  The other thing is that if I had to go looking again,  I have a much better idea of the kind of place I want for Mom.

Since all of this came to a head about noon time or later, it throws an spanner in the works for me.  Sheila who assigns caregivers didn’t think she would be able to have one for tomorrow morning because it is short notice.  She isn’t sure about Friday either and she will check to see if Aster can come Sunday and  someone for Sunday.  Also, Eddie is coming home from 3 days in Spokane, about the time Mom will come back from the Center.  Two people need to be picked up and there is only one of me.  So I will collect Mom from the Center tomorrow, come home and wait for Eddie to call and then the two of us will pick him  up at the airport.  He called late this afternoon and was very surprised when I told him the two of us would be there to pick him up.

If no one shows up tomorrow, I have to be here until the van comes, but I have some business for Mom I need to take care of before my massage.  And I AM NOT going to cancel my massage, I have had to cancel too many things lately to take care of things for her.  This is for me and I so need it!

It has been an emotional roller coaster all day, I am ready to sleep, I just hope I can and not oversleep tomorrow.  I did this morning but was still on time for Breakfast Club.  Mom has been asleep since at least 6 – not sure if she will be up wandering around later or not.  Yes, this too will pass.  There is a purpose, a gift and a lesson in all of this, right now I am too tired to look for it.  It will all reveal itself at some point.  The one thing Kathy said was that I dodged a bullet.  Suppose I had moved her there and she had settled in, then had to take her out because a glitch happened.  That would be so much harder for Mom, I am not sure if she would transition a second time.  Strangely enough, Mom hasn’t asked about moving, she kept asking where her mother is – this is something new, asking about one or both parents.  Too bad I don’t have a good answer for her.

Waiting Isn’t Always Easy

September 6, 2012

This came from the Universe today – I could have used it earlier but no doubt this is just the right time.  I have been apprehensive, concerned, scared and unsure in finding an adult family home for my Mom; this has really hit home for me.

Lee, when you move, I move. When you reach, I reach. And when you go the extra mile, I clear the way. But not a moment sooner.

Which is why before you move, reach, and go, things sometimes look so scary. 

 Just like that,

    The Universe

Lee, “I do” if “you do.” Settled? I now pronounce us unstoppable.

I so appreciate the daily note from The Universe during the week – so often it is spot on to what I am thinking, doing or wondering about in my life.  Certainly finding a place for my Mom has been one of those very uncomfortable situations; I am so grateful for The Universe already creating the solution (even though I wasn’t really sure) and all the people who have been helping me all along the way.  I am so glad I don’t have to do it all by myself – I would be bouncing off the walls a rubber room by now.  I have had help from Providence, Kathy has been a great help and Eddie as well.  When it comes to Mom’s financial and business affairs, I have had a lot of help from my Networking Breakfast Club – Dave our elder law attorney, people who know about houses and property, others who have had to deal with the same kind of situation, caregivers, etc.  I have such support from friends and family to help me take care of myself and have a more objective view of the situation – I am still on the emotional  end of it, not as much but still there.  Plus God, angels, spirit guides and master teaches to help and guide me.

Monday on Labor Day I called around and found one place with an opening.  Eddie and I went down there and spent almost 2 hours with Jaswir.  (She said I was the first one to pronounce it properly.  She goes by Jas)   This is a double wide manufactured home that has room for 6 people.  The room Mom would share is what used to be the master suite, so it is larger and has a bigger closet, and a bath they both share.  Her room mate is a woman with Dementia, though quite articulate and friendly.  The other woman seem to be at about the same level of function as Mom and they interact with each other.  They eat together and there is a covered back porch as well as a nice area in the front they like to sit – Jas said they love to be outside when it is sunny.  I had a better feeling about this home and arranged for Kathy to come and see it with us yesterday.  I was pleased that she liked what she saw and when she talked to Jas – she can see and notice things that I don’t know to ask.  So today Jas is going to meet Mom at the Center and assess her level of function and the Providence records.  She has worked with them before and knows Mom’s doctor, Kathy thinks that is a real plus.  So I am hoping they can reach an agreement.

This is where I really have to let go and put it in God’s hands – this or something better.  I am not anxious to go calling any more, but I willing to do it if it is necessary.  Yesterday was attorney and mortgage day – we talked to Dave and Tom to see the options for the house and what will work for us.  No decision but now we are checking to see if refinancing with a loan of our own and some extra to fix it up is in our budget.  Brad came by and we explained what we are thinking of doing, he will now give us and estimate and see how that fits with a loan with a reasonable monthly payment.

I want the whole things settled right now, but it is a time of constant patience because so much of it depends on other people doing their job.  It is hard to be patient, I’m doing my best.  This has been a time of learning and growing – not always a comfortable process.  I have been learning about myself as well as about Dementia; it seems to be more clear at times when I look back at what has just happened.  I am realizing a lot of childhood programs and triggers, plus seeing how I have been influenced in my adult years with out realizing it.  Now it seems as if I am growing stronger and more adult as Mom diminishes and is weaker.  She has always been a very strong influence on my, maybe when she is gone I can finally be myself.  That is what my friend Kathie Brodie found after her mom died.  The other important things she learned what what her mom was teaching her – it was never clear and when she talked to another friend who talks to angels, she finally understood.  It was her aunt who said she could now be herself.

It truly has been an uncomfortable time, that means I have been and am growing, stretching and learning.  Truly out of my comfort zone.  Several friends have told me that I will be glad I was here for my Mom. that I will have no regrets.  I admit I  regret I have not been as patient as I wanted to be, it has been hard to be with her as a friend – I am hoping when she is settled in her new home that we can have a more enjoyable relationship.


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