I could also be lost in translation or lost in Transformation – it’s been going on for several years and I am not sure anymore. I think of a worm that spins a cocoon, becomes a gob of goo, and then transforms into a gorgeous butterfly. I can visualize the worm becoming goo, but I haven’t been able to wrap my mind around from goo to butterfly. At times I feel I am stuck in the goo stage without a clue how to transform into a butterfly or anything else. Mainly I am stuck in pain, health issues – issues in my tissues – and clueless.
I checked out Google to see if there was an answer there and I found it. The caterpillar has some kind of signal to stop eating and hang from a twig, then begins to spin a cocoon. It digests itself, releasing enzymes to dissolve all of its tissues – caterpillar soup. When I read about the transformation, I learned that when the caterpillar is hatched, it has certain highly organized groups of cells known as imaginal discs that survive the digestive process. Before hatching, when a caterpillar is still developing inside its egg, it grows an imaginal disc for each of the adult body parts it will need as a mature butterfly or moth—discs for its eyes, its wings, its legs, and so on.
Once a caterpillar has disintegrated all of its tissues except for the imaginal discs, those discs use the protein-rich soup all around them to fuel the rapid cell division required to form the wings, antennae, legs, eyes, genitals, and all the other features of an adult butterfly. Without the imaginal discs, it would be a cocoon of goo forever. That makes a lot more sense than wondering how the gob of goo becomes a gorgeous butterfly. Such an amazing thing about Mother Nature and God, all the bases are covered.
I know my knees went 3 years ago when I couldn’t clean the shower floor with my hands and Mr. Clean Eraser – so I used my feet. Well, the shower was clean but I have had so much trouble with my knees since then. Two days later we flew to Toronto to spend Christmas with our niece and her family. I had to use a wheelchair at the airport to go over and come home, plus walking with my cane. Needless to say, I didn’t walk very much because it was too painful. After that, it seemed one thing after another started hurting, going to pot and whatever else describes it. I like to think there is a light at the end of the tunnel – not the headlamp of a locomotive bearing down on me.
Now the question becomes, did my transition or transformation become stalled because of all the things I spent dealing with the last 3 years? Or is it part of the transition but I can’t see it? Are there imaginal discs in my body parts as there are in a caterpillar? Too bad I can’t spin a cocoon and allow my joints to reconstitute back to the way they were before all this started. Maybe I am so focused on what hurts and how difficult it is to do things that I have missed the bigger picture, a better way to view the whole situation. Covid hasn’t helped, I have spent a lot of time at home because of it – my immune system is suppressed and compromised, which means my body can’t really fight off anything that attacks. We both had the 2 shots and the booster, so I feel a little better about it. We also wear a mask when we go out, to protect ourselves and others.
It’s hard to be positive and I know I have been in a depression – getting out of it takes a bit more effort. I will say that having a crown and a root canal before Christmas was not on my agenda. That root canal hurt like a son of a gun for a week, constant, unrelenting pain that nothing I have stopped for even a short while. The hard part about the crown was when the dentist put in the anesthetic – do I hate needles!!!! I have another crown coming up but we need to pay for the root canal first – end of the year and we used up our insurance.
My right knee is the one that gives me grief, the left will put its two cents worth in every once in a while. I’ve been using my wheelie walker to get around the house, fine until I sit down or stand up – then my knee crunches and hurts as if ice picks are being jabbed into my knee. I have noticed that Facebook suddenly has a lot of ads for knee braces – someone must be listening somewhere. I look at them and think, if I can just walk comfortably, that would make such a difference. I am also skeptical because they promise everything and I want to know how it actually works. I have also noticed my right knee and thigh are a lot bigger than they were – I know it is not muscle. Some you pull on – how will my fingers work with that? Others pull on and then have straps. I’ll see my rheumatologist at the beginning of February and will show her what I have seen. I postponed my December appointment because of snow and ice, I was not about fall on my butt and possibly break something.
Later
I did see my rheumatologist and she suggested a brace that wraps around instead of pulling on because the pull-on type will stretch out. She also said I qualify for a 4th booster in mid-March.
Now I understand about caterpillars and butterflies, but it doesn’t answer my questions about my own transition. There are times when I need something that states the obvious – a huge sign in front of my face with simple words to give me a clue. I also wonder if I am just too close to it all – it’s been true of a lot of things in my life – and need some perspective on it. Or maybe someone to just tell me what is going on with me. One of those big “AHA” moments when “I know that I know”.
Gift of RA 