Posts Tagged ‘intuitive’

No Idea For A Title

November 2, 2014

I just realized it has been a week since I posted – not a lot to write about that is interesting.  I’ve been going through the days, often not sure what I need to be doing.  That ugly word “Should” tends to creep in and I am not boarding that bus voluntarily.  I heard an intuitive talk about letting go of the past programs rather than keeping them playing in a loop in my head.  What a great idea!  I have spent too much time and energy with several and enough is enough.  I have an appointment with an intuitive on Tuesday to help me clear a lot of the “Mom stuff” that feels at this moment as if it is choking me.

There has been a situation that my husband keeps harping on even though it is now resolved.  The last time he brought it up, I told him it is a dead issue.  Wonder why I didn’t use that a lot sooner for things I know are dead but I keep them in the mind loop.  I decided in Ike Pono I don’t board the guilt bus any more – I am only responsible for me, not anyone else.  I have finally learned that no matter how small I play, it never makes anyone else feel secure.

Last Monday on my show I talked about the gifts from Mom’s dementia experience – I wasn’t sure if I would get drippy, it worked out fine.    Late in the afternoon I heard the buzzer on the back door – a fellow bearing flowers.  It was a gorgeous bouquet of white lilies, roses, stock and I am to sure what else.  It was from the Breakfast Club.  I had already received a card from them on Saturday – signed by everyone.  Such wonderful friends and colleagues!

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Tuesday I looked at my calendar and realized I had missed my infusion the Thursday before – I don’t think I looked at my calendar at all last week.  So I called my rheumatologist’s office to see if they could fit me in the next morning after Breakfast Club – they could.  I also asked if I needed to change my next infusion because it would be only 3 weeks in between.  I was ready to go to my regular doc and realized it was 9:00, not 9:30.  By then it was 9:15, so I called his office.  Turns out he hadn’t come from the hospital yet and had 2 other people waiting. So we rescheduled for Wednesday afternoon.

I had coffee and lunch with my friend Patti – we hadn’t met for quite a while and it was good to see her.  I was dragging and spending time with her helped me so much.  I have a very boring life next to her, if it isn’t her house, her family, her business and computer – it is her neighbors.  Sounds a bit like a soap opera.  She has been through taking care of her Mom as well, so she had some good advice and insight.  Also, she is in the same business of promotional marketing, though she specializes in gold mining supplies.  I have learned a lot about gelding from her.   I hope she benefited as much as I did.

Wednesday was medical day – I went to Breakfast Club, then to my infusion, then to my doc in the afternoon.  My doc is a little concerned about me and dealing with Mom’s death.  He has offered to give me the name of a really good grief counselor if I need it.  I  like to wait for a bit to see how I do – he wants to see me in a month.  I may take him up on his offer.

Thursday I spent at Apple first at the Pages Group Session, then a One to One about podcasts and putting them on iTunes and my website.  I seem to give Larry a challenge when we do a One to One.  I need to make another appointment so he can figure out the RSS code and how to apply it to my stuff.

Back in a bit.

I took advantage of the sun while it was out to take pictures of John’s handiwork.  It has been raining, often pouring so much, there hasn’t been much sun.  John and his crew worked in the rain – it had almost stopped when they were finished.  This way there is more light to really show what they did.

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Looking down the porch to the road

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It may not look much different because the big trees belong to the neighbor across the street

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Things look so much better with the ugly hedge gone.

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Now you can see the sidewalk to the front door

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Donut lilacs that dark core is rotten.

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The camellia was so big, too big for the space.

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Looking to the back door

Friday John Van Zanten came with his crew to give us our view back and also give some  things a hair cut.  I asked him to take out that ugly hedge by the outside stairway and then he trimmed some branches on the lilac and the camellia.  Turns out the lilac looked like a donut inside, it was rotted.  Things look a lot different now.  Also, Bob ad Delores next door appreciate the haircut for the view, it helps theirs a lot as well.

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There is a lot more light in the bathroom – small window

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It looks a whole lot different with the branches gone

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I want the camellia, lilac and the rhode bloom in the spring, then we will cut them and dig them up – plant something to soften the brick but not above the windows.

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Not sure what to do with the two camellias on the left – not really the best place for them.

I took naps for several days  in the week, I slept, then sleep well at night – still tired.   Lots of weird dreams, wonder what they are telling me.   I went to lunch on Saturday with Char, Joan and Joyce in Marysville for Lois’s birthday lunch.  It was cloudy here, but as I got near Everett and Marysville, it was foggy – cold and raw.  However, we had a lovely time and I am glad I went by the time I came home, it was too late for a nap – I could certainly have used one.

That’s my week.

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Life Lesson

July 4, 2014

It’s the 4th of July today – we knew it was coming because there have been firecrackers going off for a week.  Strangely enough, it’s quiet at the moment – 2:15 p.m. – but I expect it will get livelier as the day goes on and it begins to be dark.  So we are in for a noisy evening and night.  We can look in all four directions and people have fireworks going off – sometimes it is hard to decide which way to turn.  The other unusual part of the day is that we have had sun and good weather quite often – we tend to say summer doesn’t start here until July 5th.

Eddie took the day off and went with me to visit Mom.  I wasn’t sure if he would because he finds it very difficult to be with her, he can’t really carry on a conversation with her.  She has been having trouble with her knee, so she has been in the wheelchair – but Judy has her use the walker to go into the tv room.  Today she was sitting in the chair, her walker near her.  So she must be doing better.  She is always ready for chocolate and cookies, I had 2 different kinds of chocolate this time.  As we were walking over from the church parking lot, Eddie said he didn’t want to stay very long.

We were there about half an hour and Judy was outside on the phone, so I couldn’t tell her we were leaving.  I went around the back door but she wasn’t outside, she was just inside the door.  She was concerned about me because we hadn’t stayed long – I told her it is hard for Eddie to see her that way.  She is so understanding and kind to me, it started my tears gathering in my eyes.  And the nicer she is to me, the more I cry.  It hit me and I was feeling upset.  I went back to the car and decided I would just feel the feeling, feel the sensations.

I can’t really describe how I was feeling,  upset is the best I can do.  So I just decided this is what I am feeling in this moment, not judging it good or bad, or criticizing or beating myself up about it.  I decided to speak my truth, though mostly it was inside me rather than telling Eddie.  It was uncomfortable to feel like that, but that was how I felt.  I felt tears spilling down my cheeks and I let them fall.  I thought about the gift in it, at that moment I didn’t see any gift.  I called on Mother/Father God, my angels, archangels, master teachers, ascended masters, spirit guides, over lighting divas and all who were there for my highest good to help and guide me to see the gift.

As I was working through it, I realized the gift was I felt my feelings and the sensations without judgment or beating myself up – just allowed them to be what they were in that moment.  Usually I will do something or go somewhere so I don’t have to feel or think about what I am feeling – not always the best idea.  It feels as if it is another step to awareness – they aren’t always comfortable or enjoyable steps, but they are necessary.

I told Judy I have had several people tell me that I will be grateful I did this for Mom – she said that was so very true.  Right now it is a bit difficult for me to see this because often I want to run away and not have to deal with it.  I also know I couldn’t live with myself if I did – I keep thinking how she has always been there for me and my sisters and it is my turn to do it for her.  I never want her to feel she has been abandoned.  I spoke to an intuitive a few weeks back and she told me my Dad’s Spirit is still here, waiting until Mom finishes what she needs to complete.  She said he is very proud of me.

It’s better now, though there is a heaviness and some draggy feelings.  The gift comes in unexpected ways, or is itself different from what I thought it would be.  Sometimes I expect things to show up in a certain way or form, when it doesn’t, I am disappointed.  I have a much easier time now just giving it to God and saying “However shows up, whatever works for me”.  I have finally learned that when I  say it has to be a certain way, I limit the Universe and miss out on all kinds of possibilities.

I also have some things to resolve with Mom, I plan to have a reading with the intuitive to see what is left unfinished.

Too Beat To Rant

May 15, 2014

I have put this in the Emotions Category, though I’m not sure I have that much energy to rant and race about dealing with Mom.  I went to see her 4 times in the last week – last Tuesday, Friday, Sunday with Eddie for Mother’s Day and yesterday.  She has a couple of meds for depression as well as to help her sleep at night.  As a result, she is  kind of sleepy a lot of the time.  When I read or bring my iPad, she tends to doze, sometimes goes to sleep.  I also notice there are times when I see her, she isn’t  willing to really have a hug.  Other times she is very glad to see me and enjoys a back rub.  Yesterday She looked at me and so I said “I am your daughter Elizabeth”.  She  then knew who I was and was happy to have me there.

It’s so hard sometimes to visit her – at times I would rather not go at all – but I never want her to think I have abandoned her.  I see this woman in the adult family home and she resembles my Mom, but she is so different.  The Mom I knew is barely there.  As this process has progressed, it seems as I grow stronger, she diminishes.  I can’t fathom what it is like for her inside, especially since every person is different.  I was at the caregivers support group on Monday and I am glad I have that to help me deal with this whole dementia thing.

I am in the process of writing 2 books simultaneously – based on the blog posts I have written about RA and dementia. Before I did any post on dementia, I had done some writing (ranting) about what was going on and how frustrated, angry and  upset I was about the situation.  I never published them on the blog and as I read them while working on the book, I was amazed at the energy and emotion I had then.  (There’s a good reason I didn’t publish them – no whinge zone).

Things are very different now.  I don’t really have the need to rant, but maybe I need to just pour out my emotions about the current situation and cry if necessary.  I don’t seem to have the energy  to be worked up any more, it is more a sadness than frustration.  Some of it may be that I have a lot of my own things – physical – that I need to clean out; I also have stuff in my head that is no longer valid and that also needs to be cleared out.

If you aren’t into woo woo, goofball and hocus pocus, you may want to quit reading.

I talked to an intuitive a couple of weeks ago about what is holding me back from selling the furniture.  She told me I have a lot of Spirits around.  She saw 2 older women baking bread, a little boy who took her and showed her the puppies and there are cats and all kinds of spirits.  She also saw my Dad – he is here waiting for mom to finish what she needs to do here.  He loves her so much – I remember many times he would say “Your mother is the most wonderful woman in the world”.  He is pleased with me and loves me – he wanted to know if it was all right that he is here.  I said “Absolutely, I’m delighted to have him here”!

She suggested I call Paul and Jude at Whispering Dragon to have them clear them out.  I had heard about them before and wondered if it would a good idea to have them come.  The next item on my list.

I wonder if part of the fatigue is bumping into all the spirits here along with RA and dealing with Mom.  I also know if I keep thinking and saying out loud about being tired, the Universe sends whatever I focus on.  Instead, I need to create more  positive thoughts and words to change to positive – I am the only one who can do it.  I like Louise Hay’s quote “It’s only a thought, and a thought can be changed”.

 

 


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