Posts Tagged ‘Louise Hay’

Too Beat To Rant

May 15, 2014

I have put this in the Emotions Category, though I’m not sure I have that much energy to rant and race about dealing with Mom.  I went to see her 4 times in the last week – last Tuesday, Friday, Sunday with Eddie for Mother’s Day and yesterday.  She has a couple of meds for depression as well as to help her sleep at night.  As a result, she is  kind of sleepy a lot of the time.  When I read or bring my iPad, she tends to doze, sometimes goes to sleep.  I also notice there are times when I see her, she isn’t  willing to really have a hug.  Other times she is very glad to see me and enjoys a back rub.  Yesterday She looked at me and so I said “I am your daughter Elizabeth”.  She  then knew who I was and was happy to have me there.

It’s so hard sometimes to visit her – at times I would rather not go at all – but I never want her to think I have abandoned her.  I see this woman in the adult family home and she resembles my Mom, but she is so different.  The Mom I knew is barely there.  As this process has progressed, it seems as I grow stronger, she diminishes.  I can’t fathom what it is like for her inside, especially since every person is different.  I was at the caregivers support group on Monday and I am glad I have that to help me deal with this whole dementia thing.

I am in the process of writing 2 books simultaneously – based on the blog posts I have written about RA and dementia. Before I did any post on dementia, I had done some writing (ranting) about what was going on and how frustrated, angry and  upset I was about the situation.  I never published them on the blog and as I read them while working on the book, I was amazed at the energy and emotion I had then.  (There’s a good reason I didn’t publish them – no whinge zone).

Things are very different now.  I don’t really have the need to rant, but maybe I need to just pour out my emotions about the current situation and cry if necessary.  I don’t seem to have the energy  to be worked up any more, it is more a sadness than frustration.  Some of it may be that I have a lot of my own things – physical – that I need to clean out; I also have stuff in my head that is no longer valid and that also needs to be cleared out.

If you aren’t into woo woo, goofball and hocus pocus, you may want to quit reading.

I talked to an intuitive a couple of weeks ago about what is holding me back from selling the furniture.  She told me I have a lot of Spirits around.  She saw 2 older women baking bread, a little boy who took her and showed her the puppies and there are cats and all kinds of spirits.  She also saw my Dad – he is here waiting for mom to finish what she needs to do here.  He loves her so much – I remember many times he would say “Your mother is the most wonderful woman in the world”.  He is pleased with me and loves me – he wanted to know if it was all right that he is here.  I said “Absolutely, I’m delighted to have him here”!

She suggested I call Paul and Jude at Whispering Dragon to have them clear them out.  I had heard about them before and wondered if it would a good idea to have them come.  The next item on my list.

I wonder if part of the fatigue is bumping into all the spirits here along with RA and dealing with Mom.  I also know if I keep thinking and saying out loud about being tired, the Universe sends whatever I focus on.  Instead, I need to create more  positive thoughts and words to change to positive – I am the only one who can do it.  I like Louise Hay’s quote “It’s only a thought, and a thought can be changed”.

 

 

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Why Do I Have RA?

April 20, 2014

That’s a very good question, one I haven’t quite  understood after 43 years.  I talked to a medical intuitive a while back and she told me it was only my energy; I was hoping there was also someone else’s energy that could be cleared.  So it is all me – wonder what caused me to decide to experience it in this lifetime.

There is a quotation “Things are not done TO you, but FOR you”.  Well, that one takes some pondering – something I have spent a long time doing but not  really reaching any conclusions or answers.  Does that mean it is karma in some form, balancing out something from a past life?  I believe I have had past lives, though so far I haven’t remembered them myself.  Am I supposed to – is it necessary for this time on earth?  Sometime s I feel I have more questions than answers.

Is there something about my life that is overwhelming and I don’t know how to deal with it?Am I reluctant to take responsibility for things?  What things would that be?  Or is it for protection so I don’t have to deal with certain things “because I have RA”?  I realize I look at everything in terms of RA.  I see things I would like to do, but then see the physical obstacles that could prevent me because my joints aren’t always flexible.  I felt that way about riding the Duck, the steps were a little steep and somewhat difficult to navigate, but I went up and then back down.  Sometimes I am afraid to try – in case I fail and can’t actually do it.

Oh my, I can see I set myself up to fail by not giving something a try.  Part of it comes from feeling clumsy and awkward; I would rather not put myself in that position.  I also realize I am limiting myself – that I have put those limitations on myself.  I have felt clumsy and awkward most of my life, I was the overweight (not that much but enough) middle child between two slender sisters.  I don’t really know how it feels to be thinner.  I lost about 35 pounds when I was in junior college; now I realize I didn’t really believe it or feel it was really me.

Enough about that – it is the past and no longer something I want to focus my energy.  What just occurred to me is that RA may be possibly part of my Life Lesson and Life Purpose.  Maybe these are things I want to heal in this lifetime.  I was about to say “I think”  instead of stating it because I have always been like that.  One of my Life Lessons is standing up for myself, speaking my truth – at this point there isn’t an “I think” about it.  Another is taking back my power – what a wonderful discovery to realize I do have power when I always thought before that I didn’t have any.  What a concept!

I also realize I have had a very negative view of RA – it was done TO me.  I was an innocent victim sideswiped by RA – don’t think I can see it that way any more.  I have been writing about the gifts in RA, a much more positive view than in the beginning.  Anything to do with past lives, Spirit, etc. was not talked about because people who did were weird.  Heavy duty hocus pocus, woo woo and goofball stuff.  Yet that goofball stuff has really helped me, to understand a little better and also to take personal responsibility rather than continue seeing myself as a victim.

This seems a collection of random thoughts to me – I’m not sure it has logic or continuity to it.  As I write, thoughts come to me and I write them down.  It is one of those t imps where I am not sure where it is leading.  I admit to having to stop and wonder what to write next, then a thought comes and I start writing again.

I just thought of Louise Hay and what she wrote in her book “You Can Heal Your Life”.  She said that when you truly love yourself, things will sort themselves out – my words.  I have been focusing on two major things for quite a while – Loving Myself and Life Purpose.  So much of what goes on is a result of my thoughts and as she says “It’s just a thought and a thought can be changed”.   Also I have read and heard that what I am experiencing now is from thoughts not very long ago.  The problem I am having is recognizing what those thoughts are that continue RA and what the positives are to replace them.  I know a lot of those negative thoughts have been there for a very long time and it is hard to recognize them.

What surprises me is that my Mom’s dementia has brought some of the programs into the light so I can recognize them.  Then I realize how I have been operating with them all my life without knowing it.  I may not know yet the “Why” but I am learning ways to see what has been happening all my life; plus what and how I can change thoughts that once served me but are now invalid.  I am slowly creating new positive thoughts and patterns for this stage of my life.

What Is Stubborn?

February 21, 2013

This is the post I have been working on since Feb 10th – In many ways it still feels as if it is still a work in progress.  Isn’t that Life after all?

I ask the  question because I have been reading Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” and many of the things I am looking at have stubborn as the cause.  I don’t think of myself as stubborn – I check the dictionary and it says:  Having or showing dogged determination not to change one’s attitude or position on something, esp. in spite of good arguments or reasons…  Now is that really me?  Let’s face it, I feel as if I have spent my whole life doing what others wanted, not always willingly or with good grace.

Silver-Tabby-Cat-512X384-51

Am I really stubborn?

However, the more I have thought about it, the more I wonder if it has to do with seeing myself as a victim – of RA, other people, circumstances, etc.  I have finally realized and understood that I have always felt I was an innocent victim sideswiped by RA for no reason – not quite accepted it or willing to admit it out loud much.  I have felt helpless and powerless a lot of my life because I now realize I gave my power away.  Who knew I had power?  What a revelation!  However, that victimhood belief has been in there for over 6 decades, going to take a while to dislodge and clear it out.  If not now, when?

In looking at just one entry for knee problems, she writes it is “Stubborn ego and pride. Inability to bend. Fear. Inflexibility. Won’t give in.”  I have been thinking I am not quite willing yet to actually give up being a victim – much too comfortable and familiar at this point.  Then I have to ask myself “What would happen if I did let it go?”.  That would be a radical attitude overhaul.  Then what would I replace it with as a positive attitude?  I have been in this same mentality for a long time, I am now on autopilot.  It takes a conscious effort to say “Thanks for sharing ego, I choose something different”.

I am getting better at noticing when ego pops in with her 2 cents worth, I hadn’t recognized before or even understood what was happening.  I have held on to all the hurts, anger and resentment of things people “did to me” – hugging them to myself as proof of what a victim I am and how mean people have been to me.  As Dr. Phil asks:  “How’s that working for you?”.  Not very well.  I don’t like feeling like a victim any more, it is too much of a powerless feeling now.  The curse of being a good girl, following the rules and doing what I’m told.  It is hard to break out of that at the moment, it is getting better and I am more often   I have to look this one up as well able to do and say what I want.

So holding on to victimhood, all the hurts, anger and resentments – is that where I am stubborn?  Or not loving myself in spite of all the evidence to the contrary?  Looking at things from the negative view rather than the positive?  At this point I am not sure if there is one definitive answer or a series of  different answers.  I am certainly open to any ideas or opinions to help clarify it.  I have probably gotten too close to it and overanalyzing again.  Maybe if I go take my shower and get dressed, it will seem clearer to me.

UPDATE

It is now 10 days later and it isn’t very clear yet.  I also got a message about being inflexible – another word from Louise Hay – I don’t quite see how I am inflexible.  It feels as if most of my life I have had to put my life on hold, cancel things or postpone because I had to do something for someone else.  Wouldn’t being inflexible mean I do my thing before I do anything for anyone else?  I have to go look this one up as well:

Not willing to change ideas, beliefs or decisions – Something or someone who is inflexible cannot or will not change or be altered, even if the situation changes.  Does not bend.

domestic-cat

Inflexible? Don’t be ridiculous!

Hmm, I keep thinking that doesn’t sound like me – I feel as if I am easily persuaded and let people talk me into something.  When I know that I know something but I allow someone to talk me into something, I kick myself for not listening to my higher self.  There are many times when I don’t trust my higher self, that I still look to others for validation instead of from inside myself.

I suspect that both terms have more to do with my beliefs about myself than anything else.  I was hoping that as I thought about this and wrote about it, I would have a better idea what is happening so I can clear any negative energy and understand better.  I suspect I will have to put it back on the back burner again and check back in a while.  I would be open to any ideas or explanations.  I suspect I am still too close to it to be objective.

Body Issues

December 5, 2011

I was down at the beach the other day, I had such a compulsion to be by the water and hear the waves slap against the sand. It is very soothing for me, reminds me of the summer nights in East Haven, CT. when we rented a townhouse across the street from the public beach.  As I lay in bed ready to sleep, I could hear the waves hitting the sand and it gently put me to sleep.  It was cloudy and the sun would peak through every once in awhile.  I was leaning against the wall and listening to the waves, my eyes closed.  A thought came back to to me that I either heard or read about a woman who said our bodies are the perfect size for our purpose in life.  Then came the thought that we are all magnificent and it occurred to me that this body of mine has to be this size to contain all of my magnificence.  Just then I felt the light and warmth of the sun on my face and I thought it was God smiling down because I finally “got it”.  But then in came ego with her “Oh, give me a break, the sun just happened to come out and you really aren’t all that magnificent”.  I realized I had a choice – listen to ego with her old familiar patterns of negativity or believe it was God smiling down on me.  It wasn’t a hard choice, just an unfamiliar one.  I told ego “Thanks for sharing but I’m not boarding that bus!   I choose  the other way , the positive loving way towards myself.”

I have had “body issues” all my life.  I can say I am Rubenesque or fluffy but the plain truth is I weight more than I need to carry.  I know with less weight it would be easier on my joints, I would look and feel better in my clothes and I would be able to wear clothes in my closet I haven’t been able to use for 2 or 3 years.  Heck, I could pretty much have a whole new wardrobe.  Unfortunately I still wouldn’t love and accept myself completely and unconditionally.  That is at the root of it.  I was an overweight middle child with two slender sisters.  I never really thought there was anything special about me, not the oldest or the youngest; not as good an artist as my older sister, not as smart in school as they were.  Yes, we are talking perception and somewhere my perception went in that direction.  In school it was harder, especially because for girls the pinnacle of success is attracting a boy.  Chalk one up on the minus side for me.  I got teased a lot and made fun of – I remember in high school some guy came up to me in the hall one day to say his buddy wanted to go to the dance with me.  That was a shock, so I think I said yes.  He went back to his buddies and they were killing themselves laughing.  My thought – what a chump to have believed it.  Chalk one more on the minus side.  I could go on and on but that isn’t the point of this.  (If it is a whinge, call me on it!)

I didn’t think I was lovable, how could I love myself?  I saw myself as fat, freckled, with glasses and very shy – not things that draw people to me.  Poor baby, victimhood started very young.  It was easier after high school, except the body issues were still there – even today.  What I am learning is that I don’t have to see myself in Madison Ave terms, there are other views that are so much better.  Let’s face it,we all can’t be Cindy Crawford, Jacklyn Smith or Vera Miles – I am me and that person, that woman is dynamite – she just has to love and believe in herself and celebrate what is so very special about her.  I have been receiving a set of email from Stephanie Rainbow Bell about loving yourself at any size.  She has a new website and it is so encouraging for those of us who are generously blessed in all areas of our bodies.  This piece was such a boost to me, I know it has been shared in many places.  Good on you Tara Lynn!  To love myself and believe in my talents isn’t being boastful, arrogant or egotistical (contrary to old messages) .  When I truly love every part of me, -including the negative bits, the hurts I caused, the stupid things I have done – when I am able to love myself completely, then some of this body issues and weight will not longer be an issue.  Louise Hay talks about that in her book “You Can Heal Your Life”.

I will admit those childhood and adult messages are still bouncing around inside, ready to discount any positive feelings, compliments or thoughts.  But now that I understand better what is happening, I am learning to make better choices and be more aware of not boarding that negative bus.  It is a learning process and I am a work in progress.  In rereading one of Stephanie’s emails, it really hit me with the idea of our bodies as containers for our magnificence.  She wrote:

When we’ve been around the block a few times as the odd one out because of how we look, we unconsciously begin to believe that we are defective as human beings because of our size.

Nothing could be farther from the Truth however!
Our bodies are not damaged, regardless of their size.  Our bodies are the vessels for our Divine Spirit and our Divine Spirit doesn’t really give a rat’s a$$ about our weight!

Our Spirits simply desired a way to expand their energetic experience by living it through a physical body!  Having arms and legs and hearts and heads gives us an opportunity to experience life as a means of expressing energy into form!  When you think about that for a minute, it’s pretty awesome right?

Can’t think of a better way to end this!

It’s Just A Thought

June 20, 2010

I have been a big fan of Louise Hay for several years – ever since I found her book “You Can Heal Your Life”.  I checked it out of the library 4 or 5 times, then I knew this was a book I wanted to own.  When Christmas came around and my husband asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I had the answer ready.  One of the things that has stuck in my mind for a long time is when she talks about everything is a thought and a thought can be changed.  I read Eckart Tolle ‘s “The Power of Now” and began to understand that all we have is right this moment.  What we think and feel in this moment creates the next moment – looks as though I have been operating on such negative thoughts for so long, I am now at this point of uncomfortable RA.  So now it makes me stop and examine how I see myself, and have for 63 years – not a pretty sight.  I have always been overweight – fluffy or Reubenesque – and got teased about it all during school.  Not conducive to thinking well of myself and I realize I have carried it all through my life.  I have looked at what I can’t do, what hurts, what feels not possible – now I see that looking at all that I can do would have been so much more productive.  But society and “somebody else’s training” only focus on whether or not one “fits the mold” and when you don’t, there is something wrong with you.

What would happen if I started changing my view and focus to what I can do?  Hmmmm, a foreign thought that is now taking hold more and more.  I have changed my thinking a lot since my 3 Ike Pono weekends and now see  myself in a more positive light.  I am less likely to think I am responsible for the world and everyone’s happiness – I care but not so much because it is a choice to see the world in a particular way.  I know my body has some problems, but instead of focusing on my joints, tendons, muscles and ligaments that are stiff and not very flexible, look all the parts that are working very well.  I am so grateful to have my respiratory system working well so I can breathe, my digestive system works so I can put food in my body to keep it functioning, my urinary tract, my elimination systems, my blood flows really well every where in my body, my organs are doing well – I could be in a lot worse shape.  I am so grateful that after 39 years of this condition, I am still moving under my own power and I have all my factory installed parts.  I have had very little surgery and although I have deformities in my hands, feet, knees and other places, everything is still functioning well.

Instead of focusing on what I can’t do – like run,  do extreme yoga, not much energy or flexibility, etc., I can look at how well I can smell, taste, feel, hear, and see.  I would miss not being able to hear the sound of water falling, Puccini arias and the wonderful classical music; hearing my husband tell me he loves me, my clients tell me how great the order came out or listening to a cat purr.  Yes, I do love food and it tastes wonderful – no doubt a big reason it is hard to lose the extra weight.  I enjoy the smell of a bakery, of the lilacs, jasmine, salty air at the ocean and a newly mown lawn.  There is nothing like the soft fur of a cat, the feel of my husband when I hug him, the rain on my face and the warmth of covers on a cold night.  Nothing is more beautiful than a gorgeous sunrise and sunset – God brings out his paintbox and paints the sky in fabulous colors, or the lights of the city and watching the ocean waves crash onto the shore.  I would be lost if I couldn’t read or write – two great pleasures in my life.

I am married to a wonderful man, though at times he irritates me and I want to throw him out the window – no doubt he has times when he feels that way about me.  But for 41 years I have had the love of this terrific guy and I have loved him with all my heart.  There have been rough times, good times, unusual times and because of him, I have traveled to places I have always wanted to see and experienced so much.  I have gotten quite an education on Armenians, I had never heard of one before I met him.  I realize I don’t tell him often enough how much I appreciate him and all he has done for me.  We had been married a year and a half when I was diagnosed and he has stayed with me through it all.  Other men might have left, but my other half has continued to love me  and be with me even when it was a difficult life for both of us.  It has been a partnership and whenever he was promoted or went to a new company, I packed up the house and my life and started anew for the next adventure because I wanted to support him.  He has given my life richness and expanded my world more than I could have imagined.

So now it is long past due to concentrate on all the wonderful parts of my life and no longer allow ego to take control so she only focuses on the negative.  Yes, it is only a thought and thank goodness a thought can be changed.  I choose to change each negative thought that pops up into a positive one.

How Do I Show Up in Life?

June 5, 2010

I have been doing Ike Pono weekends and yesterday was the first day of 3rd weekend.  I haven’t been feeling that comfortable physically but this is important to me.  We had an exercise that really shook me up because it shows me how I show up in my life – not trusting my instincts and what my heart is telling me.  I have spent most of my life wondering what I want to be when I grow up, wondering what is most important to me and what my purpose in life really is.  For so long the answer has usually been “I don’t know”.   Have I spent so long not believing I can be whatever I want that I have buried it and given up my power and dreams?  As I look back I see how many times I knew something but I allowed someone to talk me into another way because I didn’t trust myself.  Then when it was finished, I realized I knew what I was talking about after all.  Makes me feel so gullible and trusting, yet criticizing and beating myself up doesn’t help at all.  So why is it I don’t trust my own instincts?  Why haven’t I stood up for my knowing?  Not enough education, experience, knowledge?  Then feeling stupid for not listening and resenting the other person.  Normally I would go into judgment mode on myself and I started down that path last night.  The whole point of the exercise is to know who I am and love myself – unfortunately a very unfamiliar feeling and MO.  As Louise Hay says “It’s just a thought and a thought can be changed”.

Now I need to look at RA and how I am showing up in that.  At this moment I am feeling less than perky because my legs are bothering me and I haven’t been sleeping very well.  That makes me a bit cranky and certainly not very objective.  So what is going on inside myself that  has created RA?  I have often thought it was somewhere I could hide so I didn’t have to make any decisions about what I want to be.  As much as I don’t want to admit it, it is also an easy out of doing something I am afraid to do or don’t know how to do.  Rather than risk failure, it has been easier not to try because of RA.  I have met a medical intuitive and I want to go see her to really find out what is going on inside.  Yet there is a part of me who is scared because I figure I will be seen in a bad light and the answers will be negative.  Why not think in terms of finally seeing my magnificence and what is amazing about me?  Probably because early training says it is boasting and egotistical to think well of myself.  I want to know but I am letting fear keep me from doing it.  Who knows, I may find out some really great things and help solve the mystery,


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