Posts Tagged ‘chocolate’

Cleaning Out

August 10, 2014

I knew I had to start cleaning out drawers and closets but there was something holding me back.  Not necessarily the size of the project so much as going through my parents’ belongings.  If you saw the house, it doesn’t necessarily look as though anything has been done – it is more the inside where there is a difference.  I cleared out a shelf in the office with things both Mom and Dad had clipped and saved, mostly Mom’s idea pile.  She had a lot of articles about rug hooking, pattern ideas, calendars with flowers and some patterns she had transfer to a backing to hook.  I found her patterns for the coat of arms rug – a list of tartans and descriptions as well as individual shield patterns.

Thursday afternoon I started on the desk in the living room, clearing out the top of the desk with all the little drawers and cubby holes.  I know I come from a long line of  pack rats, but I had no idea how much Mom kept.  I filled a shopping bag with old pay stubs for Dad, check registers, you name it.  I was really tired by the time I finished that.  Friday I started on the first three large drawers below – another full bag of things.  I put all the things to be shredded on top of the desk and Eddie took care of that for me – they may be old but I want to be sure no one can use the information.  I have one more drawer to go.  then it is on to the bedroom.

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It was interesting to see what Mom kept, there are reports from school for all three of us, some letters from grandparents, congratulation cards for all three of us from relatives, a bunch of newspaper articles about family members – the others I don’t know who they are but I think they are people Mom went to school with or knew in Glastonbury.  There are pictures of all kinds and in the lower drawers she has so many cards to use for any occasion.  I may send those over to Goodwill and some other things.  Letters, photos and other papers I have in a box so Candy and Ellen can check them out.

It will be interesting to see what is squirreled away in the bedroom bureaus.  Now that I have done most of the desk, I realize it would have been smart to do it a lot sooner.  Maybe it has just taken this long to be ready to do it.  I need to clean things out to sell them, otherwise they would be very heavy and there is no telling what is in the drawers.

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I put the dining room table on Craig’s list last Saturday – no word so far.  I had been hesitant to do it only because I didn’t know how it worked and what to do.  I checked out eBay as well just to have an idea how much I could ask – 52″ round mahogany pedestal table with 3 leaves, 6 chairs and table protectors.  Turned out it was very hard to list it on Craig’s List, so I will put another on the site.

We need to start going through books and donate them to the library.  I want to make sure which ones are worth keeping or truing to sell – the ones I have with Judith on her online book store are still there.  She said things are very slow right now.  I do want to check with her to find out which books are valuable then decide what to do with them.

I know Mom is no longer in this world but a world of her own – still, it feels strange to be doing this while she is still alive.  Yet she isn’t going to be coming back and it is long past time for Eddie and me to make this house our own.  I often feel pulled in 2 opposite directions.

I visit Mom twice a week and I notice she is more sleepy when I come – some days she is quite alert and aware.  The day she didn’t know who I was took me a little by surprise and since she was in a feisty mood, she didn’t want anyone to touch her.  So now I ask her if she would like a hug and the other day, she said yes, and a kiss.  I know the not recognizing me will come more often, I hope to be able to be objective about it and not get upset.  She loves chocolate and cookies, always saying yes to them.  When she is really sleepy, I will save some of the cookies and put them in her room for later – Judy says she will have a snack in the afternoon.  I tend to put her to sleep when I read, she says that’s fine.

Every day is an education, learning experience and challenge, I am working on seeing it that way rather than a upsetting situation.  I am working on it every day and I have made a lot of progress, though I am still a work in progress.

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Life Lesson

July 4, 2014

It’s the 4th of July today – we knew it was coming because there have been firecrackers going off for a week.  Strangely enough, it’s quiet at the moment – 2:15 p.m. – but I expect it will get livelier as the day goes on and it begins to be dark.  So we are in for a noisy evening and night.  We can look in all four directions and people have fireworks going off – sometimes it is hard to decide which way to turn.  The other unusual part of the day is that we have had sun and good weather quite often – we tend to say summer doesn’t start here until July 5th.

Eddie took the day off and went with me to visit Mom.  I wasn’t sure if he would because he finds it very difficult to be with her, he can’t really carry on a conversation with her.  She has been having trouble with her knee, so she has been in the wheelchair – but Judy has her use the walker to go into the tv room.  Today she was sitting in the chair, her walker near her.  So she must be doing better.  She is always ready for chocolate and cookies, I had 2 different kinds of chocolate this time.  As we were walking over from the church parking lot, Eddie said he didn’t want to stay very long.

We were there about half an hour and Judy was outside on the phone, so I couldn’t tell her we were leaving.  I went around the back door but she wasn’t outside, she was just inside the door.  She was concerned about me because we hadn’t stayed long – I told her it is hard for Eddie to see her that way.  She is so understanding and kind to me, it started my tears gathering in my eyes.  And the nicer she is to me, the more I cry.  It hit me and I was feeling upset.  I went back to the car and decided I would just feel the feeling, feel the sensations.

I can’t really describe how I was feeling,  upset is the best I can do.  So I just decided this is what I am feeling in this moment, not judging it good or bad, or criticizing or beating myself up about it.  I decided to speak my truth, though mostly it was inside me rather than telling Eddie.  It was uncomfortable to feel like that, but that was how I felt.  I felt tears spilling down my cheeks and I let them fall.  I thought about the gift in it, at that moment I didn’t see any gift.  I called on Mother/Father God, my angels, archangels, master teachers, ascended masters, spirit guides, over lighting divas and all who were there for my highest good to help and guide me to see the gift.

As I was working through it, I realized the gift was I felt my feelings and the sensations without judgment or beating myself up – just allowed them to be what they were in that moment.  Usually I will do something or go somewhere so I don’t have to feel or think about what I am feeling – not always the best idea.  It feels as if it is another step to awareness – they aren’t always comfortable or enjoyable steps, but they are necessary.

I told Judy I have had several people tell me that I will be grateful I did this for Mom – she said that was so very true.  Right now it is a bit difficult for me to see this because often I want to run away and not have to deal with it.  I also know I couldn’t live with myself if I did – I keep thinking how she has always been there for me and my sisters and it is my turn to do it for her.  I never want her to feel she has been abandoned.  I spoke to an intuitive a few weeks back and she told me my Dad’s Spirit is still here, waiting until Mom finishes what she needs to complete.  She said he is very proud of me.

It’s better now, though there is a heaviness and some draggy feelings.  The gift comes in unexpected ways, or is itself different from what I thought it would be.  Sometimes I expect things to show up in a certain way or form, when it doesn’t, I am disappointed.  I have a much easier time now just giving it to God and saying “However shows up, whatever works for me”.  I have finally learned that when I  say it has to be a certain way, I limit the Universe and miss out on all kinds of possibilities.

I also have some things to resolve with Mom, I plan to have a reading with the intuitive to see what is left unfinished.

Moving Forward

September 29, 2013

It feels as if in some ways I am running in place, not sure what direction to go that works for me.  I have made a lot of changes in the last few years, mostly on the inside; it’s time for me to choose my own direction and what I want to do.  Monday Soul card reading had this card that hit me in the face:

 from Doreen Virtue’s Healing With The Angels Oracle Cards:

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Freedom:

“You may feel trapped right now by life conditions. By drawing this card, the angels ask you to realize that you are the only jail keeper that ever surfaces in your life.

Whenever you realize you have the power to be free, freedom follows. The next time you begin a sentence with the words, I have to………….., please stop. Ask God and the Angles to give you some alternatives.”

Ain’t that the truth!  I am beginning to see how I have made choices that bring me to this point – not  completely yet – and I have also been reading Neal Walsh.  I started “When Everything Changes, Change Everything” and  I am beginning to see that whatever happens in the Now is overlaid with past events that are similar.  And of course it is more likely negative rather than positive.  I am noticing that I am not reacting as much as I used to do.  I have 2 or 3 times when people have gotten their knickers in a twist about something but I didn’t let it churn me up inside as I usually do.  Often I hear my husband say “Oh S–T” or “Oh no!” quite a bit but I don’t go running over to see what it is – it’s usually something minor.  Last night he couldn’t get the dishwasher door to close, so his conclusion was we would have to wash the dishes by hand.  I went out and checked, found the upper utensil basket wasn’t on right – once I shifted it, it all ran smoothly.

I will admit to wanting to fix something right away, yet sometimes it turns out it wasn’t necessary or something else came out of it.  I don’t seem to get in such a panic the way I used to, I learning to be calm and see it more objectively.  Not always, I still have my “knickers in a twist” moments, just fewer as I change my choice of how I think about things.

I am working on this in regard to Mom and visiting her.  She is mumbling more and more and I get a bit antsy to be sure I give the “right” answer.

 I went to see Mom on her birthday on Tuesday – she enjoys the maple sugar candy very much.  Since I was fairly late in the morning because I had to do my infusion, she was a bit sleepy and not too with it.  I brought her Candy’s gifts – I left the chocolate at home and just bring a couple of pieces at a time.  I had a purple  sweatsuit with embroidery that should also keep her warm as well as Candy’s 2 tops.  One Sunday Delores brought over a large pot plant – a yellow and red mum which I also took on Tuesday.
     Since it was a short visit, I went back on Wednesday morning after breakfast club and spent more time with her, reading more of Candy’s book.  Not sure what goes in and sticks, but she seems to like to hear it.  Also, Ellen’s roses had arrived – a dozen roses in wonderful colors.  I brought more chocolate and some cookies for her as well.  Then I went to see her this morning, brought chocolate and read up to the last page I copied at the library, about page 74 or so.  I need to go back to the library and print more the continue reading to her.  I bought cookies for the house – there has been a lot of changes to the cast of characters.  Jan has gone and I noticed Wendall is gone now too.  The only original one is Monique.  Judy definitely has her hands full with the new group.
    As for Mom, she seems  pretty much the same, though when she talks, only the first 3 or 4 words are recognizable and I notice now she will repeat a word several times.  I don’t understand so I just look for a matter of fact way to respond.  I noticed today I had to put the chocolate in her hand, the cookies I brought for house, I gave her one of each, but I had to put it very close to her hand for her to feel it.  The minute she finishes the cookie or the chocolate, she doesn’t remember she had it.   I talked to Denise at the Center when I took Mom for her haircut – she thinks Mom could go on for another 2 years.
       I talked to Dr. Myre the other week, she wanted to know how I felt about Mom’s treatment and if there was anything I was concerned about.  Strangely, when she gave Mom her check up, Mom was cooperative – that is a good change.  I told I was concerned about Mom’s knees because she has been having pain there which makes walking more difficult.  It also makes her less willing to move.  She decided to give Mom some  Tylenol 3 times a day and Judy says it is helping.  I think the other meds are kicking in and helping her to sleep.  I have been going in the morning because after lunch Mom is ready for a nap.
       Life has gotten very busy the last few weeks, 7 clients have wanted things and I am still working on things for 3 of them.  All the other orders have gone in and the USB drives were delivered before the event, the new Museum of Flight volunteer pins are due to arrive today.  Still working on the calendars, one just had the proof approved so it can go into production and Kristen is working on the other.  On top of all that I have been taking pictures of things for the blog as well as creating a new newsletter for Eddie at Apple.  Plus whatever I need to do for Mom.  I feel as though I have been running from here to there and am amazed that I have the energy to do it.  I will say, at this point I have worn myself down and am working on resting and making sure I take care of myself.

Life Has Its Moments

November 24, 2012

The last time I wrote was Thanksgiving, we were about to leave to visit Mom and then go to Vickie’s for Thanksgiving dinner.  Fortunately the weather held off that day – I won’t say it was sunny but it was dry.  So we went over to see Mom and wish her a Happy Thanksgiving around 1:45 or so – their dinner was cooking in the oven at that point.  Eddie and I sat with Mom in her room for a bit visiting, she tells Eddie she is doing fine, told Ellen she is doing well and likes it there during their call the night before – she gives me the crap!  She is having a rotten time and when I asked her to tell me about it, she had a hard time being specific.  I asked if it was anything to do with the people there, and yes, it is the people.   The men take up too much room – that was about all she could talk about.  Guilt trip coming – just passed by without stopping.  No way was I going to flag down that bus!  Then she says the people there are like family and Judy tells me that every one of the 5 people who live there love Mom and would do anything for her.  I think it is just part of Mom, the dementia and being 94.  Her one comment is “If I could be in my Mother’s home, I’d be all right”.  Maybe she tells me the bad bits because we have spent a lot of time together in the past 10 years and certainly the past 2 or 3 on the dementia journey.  When she talks about wanting to go home, I tell her “This is your home now, where you wait for the train”.  I have to remind myself I can’t and won’t board that bus any more.

I am getting better at shaking it off and put my focus and attention on other things – like an enjoyable time at Vickie’s house. We had flowers for Vickie since the cake broke apart, not  much to choose from on Thanksgiving Day.  She said to come around 3 and dinner was at 4.  We were there just before 3 and the drive was full of cars – we are usually the first ones.  Seems they have friends from California, so they had 2 cars, plus Vickie and Rich’s daughter Melissa and her husband James were there as well.  We had a great time and enjoyed meeting their friends Jane and Bryan from California – they also have lived here in Seattle as well.  We laughed a lot and had fun, the dinner was great – enough to feed the whole neighborhood.  Vickie made the most delicious pumpkin pie, not one of those thin filled ones, this was substantial!  We talked about all kinds of things and found a lot we all thought funny.  When we left, it felt as if it was around 8 or 9 – what a surprise to find it was only 6:30 or 7.  Even so, it was nice to come back after a great evening and just relax.

Yesterday felt like Saturday, but also didn’t, we couldn’t quite figure out how it felt.  It was pouring rain while we drove over to the dealership for Eddie to service his car.  We both brought books and read in the waiting room rather than go sloshing around University Village with the crowds.  We were surprised to find the roads were nearly empty at 9 a.m. and we didn’t see a lot of cars in the parking lot as we went through.  So we arrived sooner than we planned.  It was quite pleasant to sit and read where it was warm, dry and comfortable.  After the car was done, we went over to Whole Foods for some things – that too was quiet and then down the hill for coffee.  We had sparking space right close and there were cars around but not horrendous.  Maybe everyone was at the mall.

We came home, had a cup of tea and took it easy, glad to be out of the rain.  Also feeling more comfortable now that the drain is clear.  I will say, the cake has not gone to waste, more gone to waist.  We have had it for dessert, each had a piece before we went to Mom’s and Vickie’s.  There still is some left, we had it last night but we aren’t having humongous pieces.  Today we had bagels at Panera before stopping at See’s to buy Mom a small box of chocolates.  We drove over and spent time with her, talked to John about his cat and even Ginger Boy came out for a visit.  He spends most of his time in John’s room and was tentative about coming out to visit.  He seemed to take to Eddie quite easily, though he is skittish with unfamiliar territory and people.  Then we gave Mom her chocolates – her face lit up when she took one out to eat.  We noticed she took small bites to savor it, she definitely enjoyed it.  I also filled her jar with more Werther’s – I am looking for something different to fill next time.

We came home and had lunch, Eddie is working on the laundry and of course had to go clean the cars.  The Allens next door have a house full this weekend, they started arriving on Wednesday.  Not sure what John and Luzma are doing for the holiday, no doubt went to one of her sisters for Thanksgiving.  She called Wednesday just before we left to ask about Mom, so we said we would give Mom her good wishes.  Tomorrow I am going up  north with Eddie because he is Manager of the Day from around noon to closing.  Not sure what I am going to be doing, maybe wander around a bit.


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