Archive for June, 2012

There’s Something About Bunny

June 24, 2012

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Two days after I went to rehab, a close friend, Chloe Ann, came to visit and brought a soft, cuddly, stuffed bunny.  It was a light brown with slightly curly fur and  long ears that were velvety inside.  I was so pleased with that bunny, just what I needed at that moment.  She thought I would have plenty of flowers and things and when she saw the bunny, she knew it was just the right thing.  I slept with the bunny every night and any time I had a nap in the afternoon.  I asked the bunny if it would tell me if it was a boy or a girl.  She let me know she was a girl. I asked her if she would tell me her name, so far she hasn’t, so I call her Bunny.  One of the nurse’s aid, Eleanor, decided her name was Cozy because we looked all cosy together in bed.  When she made my bed, she would sit Bunny up again the pillows and spread her ears across the pillow.  One day I said to Eleanor – “You haven’t finished making the bed”.  She came over and looked, studied the bed for a bit to figure it out.  Finally she realized Bunny was on the chair across from the bed.  She laughed and put Bunny in her usual place by the pillows.

I had many people compliment me on my Bunny, they thought she was so cute and adorable.  When they woke me up at night for blood pressure and who knows what else, they were often surprised to see me with Bunny, but also raved about her as well.  When I was moved upstairs to another room because I didn’t need nursing care, just therapy, I was in my wheelchair with Bunny.  As I went down the hall I heard people laughing and enjoying the picture we made – I had buttoned Bunny into the front of my sweater so she wouldn’t fall.  She was facing out so she saw where we were going.

Bunny has been in our room since – I just realized I hadn’t taken her with me to the hotel.  She would have been company since I spent most of the nights by myself because it was extra traveling for Eddie.  Oh well, she was waiting for me when I came home.  When Eddie makes the bed, he puts Bunny in the middle between the pillows.

I have had trouble sleeping comfortably with the hips and legs, I do a lot of tossing and turning, which keeps Eddie awake a lot.  I either sleep on my side or on my back propped up with some pillows, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.  I don’t sleep enough to really feel rested, I am hoping one of these days it will all settle down.

I will come clean, for the past three weeks I have been sleeping with Bunny again.  What I find interesting is that I am sleeping better with her in my arms.  I don’t know if it is psychological or that Bunny has a special vibe for me.  I just know I have slept better in the last three weeks.  Now I have had some nights that have not been so swift even with Bunny, but on the whole it is better than without her.  I realize to some it is ridiculous for a 65 year old woman to sleep with a stuffed animal; however, I am not interested in other opinions.  It is working for me and that is all that matters.  Of course, after this post is published, the whole world will know instead of just me and Bunny.  My guess is that I am not the only one who sleeps with a plush animal.  Here’s to all of you!

I am going to publish this right now and may have more to add later.

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Some Clues To What’s Happening To Me

June 17, 2012

I came across an article called 51 Symptoms of Spiritual Awakening – it really explained a lot about what has been happening lately.   It comes from a link on one of Misa Hopkins messages called “Not All Symptoms Mean Something is Wrong”.  This is the link to the 51 Symptoms by Annarita.

Because of my recent broken hip, I was surprised to find it on the list – #41 Falling, Accidents and Breaking Bones.  Her take on it is:  Your body is not grounded or perhaps your life is out of balance. Or your body may be telling you to slow down, examine certain aspects of your life, or heal certain issues. There is always a message.   She also adds some advice to help understand and cope with it –  Advice: Stay grounded by taking your shoes off and putting your feet in the grass; even better, lie down on the grass without a blanket under you. Feel the earth beneath you. Get out in nature. Slow down and pay attention. Be mindful about what you are doing. Feel your feelings when they come up. Stay in the present. Surround yourself with blue light when you are feeling shaky.

#16 is also very similar –                                                                                                                                                                                    Events that completely alter your life: death, divorce, change in job status, loss of home, illness, and/or other catastrophes — sometimes several at once! Forces that cause you to slow down, simplify, change, re-examine who you are and what your life means to you. Forces that you cannot ignore. Forces that cause you release your attachments. Forces that awaken your sense of love and compassion for all.

This has a lot of meaning for me because I have been thinking these past few months since my life narrowed so much with Mom needs that it is time to step away from my business and my life and rethink what I truly want to do for the rest of my life.  I know I want to know my purpose and life’s work doing something I love and feels so right.  I have some ideas about things I want to do – I thought I would have time last fall and then in rehab to write out what my thoughts are and just let it flow out of me.  Unfortunately I have been so bone weary and emotionally and mentally exhausted that I have had no energy to do any of it.  There may also be a part of me that is a little afraid to see where it takes me, for so long my first response to things has been “No”.  But I am choosing “Yes” more often and seeing where it takes me.

#1 is changing sleep patterns.  Man, is that ever true!  I am ready to go to sleep when we turn out the light, then I am wide awake for 3 hours or more with my mind racing.  Sometimes it feels like a squirrel cage, other times I come up with great ideas – that I promptly forget when I finally go to sleep.

#2 is activity at the crown of the head.  Wow, is that cool to know and feel my God Force Energy coming down from Source and going through my crown chakra.  I would love to feel it going all the way through my body and out through the bottom of my feet into Mother Earth.  Hasn’t happened yet but I’ll bet with practice it will.                                                               Advice: This is nothing to be alarmed about. What you are experiencing is an opening of the crown chakra. The sensations mean that you are opening up to receive divine energy.

#9 is skin eruptions – back to being a teenager again. Advice: You may be sloughing off toxins and bringing emotions to the surface. When there is an issue to be released and you are trying to repress it, your skin will express the issue for you until you process the emotions. Work through your “stuff”.  Boy, do I still have stuff to work through!

#12 is power surges – otherwise known as hot flashes.  I thought I was finally finished with all of that, but looks like this is a new chapter –  like most of the symptoms, it is best to let it happen and realize it is only temporary.

#18 is Emotional and mental confusion:
A feeling that you need to get your life straightened out–it feels like a mess. But at the same time you feel chaotic and unable to focus. See #45.

Advice: Put your ear to your heart and your own discernment will follow.

There are a whole lot more that apply to me, but this gives you an idea of what it is about.  I have this feeling there is something coming, something really cool but have no idea what it is.  Mostly it feels as if I have to complete my hip healing and also to settle Mom into a place where she is cared for and has activities and people all around her.  She has been sleeping a lot of the time, not sure if it is just getting used to a new med or a way of escaping from a situation she doesn’t want to be in any more.  She is so ready and anxious to go be with Dad and Josephine the cat – yet she has no idea why she is still here.  It is hard to see her this way, often confused about where she is and who people are.  While I was in rehab, she forgot I lived here and has mostly forgotten who I am.  Once in awhile she knows – I think I have taken a lot of the emotion out of it, but I suspect it can hit me in the face when I least expect it.

Once I have done the best I can for all of us, I need some time to rest and regroup.  Then I can think about me and what is in store for me.

The Greatest Sin

June 10, 2012

Friday was my last day at outpatient physical therapy – they said I had graduated after four weeks of 3 days a week.  I was surprised when Michael told me I had worked my ass off during therapy and didn’t refuse do things because it hurt.  That felt really good to hear, it has been over 3 months since I broke my hip and I am so grateful to be walking again.  The surgeon says it will take a good 8 months to heal, so I am  watching how I progress each day.  I will admit it has not been easy, especially in the beginning right after surgery and when I had a bad flare up because I wasn’t able to take Methotrexate for 3 weeks.  Yes, I did the work and I am proud of myself; the therapists were great helping me through each stage and showing me what I needed to do to recover.  It was a great joint effort and I am very grateful and appreciative of all the OT and PT therapists.  I won’t miss the work very much but I will miss my friends.  By the way, I went up to 10 resistance on the cross trainer last week – another personal goal met!  I am also so very glad to be mobile and independent again, I am free to go where and when I please instead of depending on others to give me a ride.  I am also very grateful and appreciative of everyone who gave me rides and really supported me all through this time.

I also went for my first deep tissue massage in 3 months – oh, did that feel good!  I have missed it, plus I missed Debye and Monty for their love and support and all that I learn from them.  I was really looking forward to my massage, not only for how good it feels but also whatever messages come from the Universe.  The message came right in the beginning – What is the greatest sin?  I was surprised to hear myself say “Not loving myself and beating myself up”.  Lord, I have spent my life doing both.  I haven’t loved myself because the perception of early negative messages, then the continuing negative messages from all sides.  As I lay on the table, I realized I believed those messages of not good enough, not acceptable, not pretty – you name it – because it came from people I thought of as being smarter, more talented, more successful, more whatever than I was.  Well, who made them the oracles in my eyes?  Why did I think I and my opinion was of lesser value than someone else’s?    I spent so much of my life beating myself up because I didn’t think I was good at anything.  The idea of thinking well of myself came  up against the old training of thinking well of myself means I am boasting, bragging and arrogant.  As I wrote that beginning paragraph about being proud of myself, I could feel that old program come up.  Earlier in the morning it came up when I looked in the mirror after I got out of the shower and looked myself straight in the eye and said “I love you”.  I just told ego “Thank You for sharing, I choose something different and positive.  It wasn’t as strong for the blog as it was for the mirror and now I find myself  saying quietly to myself – “You aren’t boasting or bragging, this is a statement of fact.”  It is important for me to learn to pat myself on the back for things, even when it feels as if it is no big deal.  I am learning to acknowledge my accomplishments, my abilities and my intuition much more often and  no longer letting ego run the show.

What amazes me is that since I fell and broke my hip, I have not run the scene over and over in my mind, looking at what I “should” have done, things I wish I would have done or blaming myself or anyone else for it.  That so amazes me because that is the typical way I have always done it in the past – kicking myself for not having done such and such.  It doesn’t feel as if it was a conscious effort not to do it, maybe I was too busy dealing with the consequences to think about it.  Whatever the reason, it is a lovely change in thinking and I set an intention of continuing to operate that way.  I know I have said I needed a break from care giving Mom, I was thinking of 2 weeks in a spa rather than a broken bone and 8 weeks in rehab.  Something Debye said has me thinking and wanting to know more – I broke the right hip, that is my masculine side and that it has broken some ties of dominance in my life.  I need her to tell me more so it makes sense to me – that I know that I know.  I think it is all part of knowing that one’s life is progressing or happening the way it needs to, that there are no accidents.  I have a lot more studying of this before I feel  able to write about it.

What I do know is that loving myself – every part of me – deeply, completely and without judgement is the most important way to healing.

An Enforced Sabbatical

June 3, 2012

Most people who take a sabbatical have a plan and focus as well as a goal for the time they take away from their business or career.  The past year or so, I feel as though I have had an involuntary sabbatical and there has been no plan or goal – I didn’t realize it was happening until it was several months into it.  Last year I spent a lot of the first half dealing with a terrible sore neck and shoulder – difficult to do much in the way of work on the computer and not too swift in everyday tasks.  I did begin deep tissue massage which has helped me so much in mind, body and spirit.

As I was having a lot more relief from the pain, my Mom was getting more and more dependent until I couldn’t really leave her on her own.  I found my world narrowing so much that my business really suffered until there wasn’t a whole lot left.  By October I was overwhelmed but didn’t realize it until I went past it into in over my head.  I had thought it was time to regroup, refocus and decide where I want my business to go.  It seemed a good opportunity to think and meditate on what exactly I really want.  A great idea but I didn’t have time or energy to really sit down alone in a quiet place and listen.  I had to find caregivers for Mom and even 4 hours to myself wasn’t very much to accomplish the things I needed to do, much less contemplation about my future.  As I established some care givers – Bam, there I was on the hall floor with a broken hip.  I spent 4 or 5 days in the hospital after surgery, then 8 weeks of rehab.  Wow I thought, time alone to read, write meditate and ground myself.  I was so tired and depressed I had no interest in reading, much less writing.  That was frustrating because reading is one of my greatest pleasures.  Oddly enough, I had 2 orders for my promotional marketing business while in rehab – boy, was that unexpected!

To be honest, I still haven’t processed a lot of what has happened, especially from my hip.  I know I can no longer do all the things for my Mom that I did, so many people telling me I will end up back in rehab permanently if I do.  It has been hard to  not do things, though when I tell my Mom I can’t do something because I broke my hip, it seems to register with her.  I feel as if I am shirking responsibility but since my husband, my doctor and my therapists are all worried about me, I am getting better at being at peace with it.

Now that I am finally mobile again and can go places myself, I thought I would have time to find a quiet place by the water to write and just go within.  Now it seems there are so many things I need to do I couldn’t before but I keep running out of energy a lot sooner than I want.  As I write this, I am wondering if these are all just excuses because I am reluctant to actually sit down and just write whatever is ready to come out on paper.  I wonder if I would feel more ready of there was a step by step plan to follow, but then change it any way I want.  When it comes to writing, the hardest part is putting tush in chair – the rest happens even it is stupid, lousy or brilliant.  It is as if I am afraid to truly go within because I am worried there won’t be anything there.  Maybe I just prefer have the answers spelled out for me so I don’t have to do the work.

One thing I know, this is not the time to make any major decisions because I am bone weary physically and drag my ass tired emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  Plus I am in the middle of dealing with Mom and the next project is to find a place for her to live where she is well taken care of and safe.  I have started by talking to a good friend who has done this for years, so I don’t feel I have to navigate through all of it by myself.  She has a possible place for Mom that sounds really good because she would have her medical care covered as well as a doctor, dentist, social worker, OT, PT, etc.  Plus, when she is not able to take care of herself  they would move her to a more nursing type place.  She is checking on it to see what it takes to qualify and I need to speak with my elder law attorney about some other things.  At least I have put things in motion, but it will take a while.  We need to have her on a waiting list now rather than wait until it is a crisis – it felt like a crisis back in November when I called the Alzheimer’s Association and I don’t want to do that again.

I keep wondering if this is my job, task or business for the moment, that once I take care of Mom I can start to concentrate on me and what I really want to do.  It feels as though I have been in transition the past few months – almost as if I am at a crossroads in my life.  I feel as though any time I wonder about what I want to do, what my purpose in life is or any other type question – there is a big fat question mark and all I hear myself say is “I don’t know”.  I have been so drag my ass tired for so long, I have forgotten how having energy feels.  Thank goodness I am not alone working on this and I am so looking forward to my deep tissue massage on Thursday – it has been 3 months since the last and I have missed it tremendously.


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