Posts Tagged ‘Sleep’

That Was The Week That Was

November 23, 2014

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Fall at Vanderbilt University – nothing to do with my post but so lovely I wanted to share it.

It’s a week later and I am relieved to have the letter and its accompanying  attachments on their way to DSHS – all thanks to Dave Gagley.  It will be interesting to see  if there is an answer and if so, what it will be.  Fortunately they will be sending it to Dave, not me.  Now I am possibly making it out to be worse than it is, I don’t like messing with government in any form.

I feel I have taken off my training wheels for the radio show, I am feeling more confident being on air, the times when I am suddenly at a loss for words are fewer and I am able to  recover.  I am still working on my archives, the downloads don’t quite fit the mb quota of my site.  Definitely need to work out how to put it on iTunes as a podcast.  I am also working on guests, some people are a bit shy about being on the air, even if it is on the phone.  But I am not pushing because that doesn’t help make people comfortable.

I am beginning to think my fatigue has loosened up a bit – I sleep all night, have naps in the afternoon and still have trouble getting up in the morning.  I planned to do  several things this week, instead I was dragging and had naps.  Wednesday afternoon I went to the eye doctor for a check up – I’m doing well and there is only a slight change, I don’t need to buy new glasses.  However, when we came home, I was in bed like a shot because I was beat.  I also just saw snowflakes instead of lights and things were a bit blurry, seemed the smart thing to do since I couldn’t do anything else.

Friday was a really good day.  I was able to do things all day and didn’t feel the need for a nap.  I can’t say the same for Saturday, I work with each day as it comes.  I will say I am impatient to have energy again, it feels so long ago the last time I felt energetic.  It’s so much easier to do things with energy.  I am noticing I  tend to say “I’m tired” – doesn’t help the attitude, my goal is to be aware of what I say about it and make sure it is positive.  It’s a thought, and a thought can be changed.

We have been having rain again, I really noticed it on Thursday.  My legs and hips were stiff and sore, I knew something was going on, but not sure what.  We had a lot of clear, cold and sunny days, we are back to the 40’s and 50’s with rain.  Typical Seattle fall weather.  I will take this  rather than deal with snow, ice or any other cold stuff.  I remember a woman I worked with at Boeing who was from Buffalo.  she said when it snowed hard, her Mom would let her young sister outside because she couldn’t find her in the piles of snow.  I’ve seen pictures of this last snowfall there – a lot of people have prepared for it and are concerned about the snow on the roof.  When it starts raining, that snow will be even heavier.  We had a snowstorm here with quite a few inches, then it rained and roofs caved in.  They were showing on Lake Union the roofs of the boat houses collapsing from the weight.

This coming week is a medical one, Monday afternoon is the dentist – talking to him about being on the show as well as my teeth.  Tuesday is my rheumatologist and then my infusion.  It will be my last visit to her, she is retiring at the end of the year (she is younger than I am).   I will miss her, I’ve been going to her since I moved here 12 years ago.  For their long time patients, they called each of us to let us know this was happening.  also, there are 4 other rheumatologists now, so they looked to see which doctor would fit the patient.  I will see Dr. Shasteen in January, I haven’t met her before but a friend had her as a doctor and really liked her.  Nothing stays the same, certainly I haven’t stayed the same.  I think I also see my primary care doctor as well.  Have to check the calendar.

Eddie is taking Thursday off – we have reservations at Il Fornaio for Thanksgiving dinner at 3:30.  We haven’t done this before, so I’m looking forward to it – we enjoy their food and the people.  For years Eddie would get a turkey as a work bonus and there we would be, a big turkey and the 2 of us.  Some years we invited people over, or we were invited and we provided the turkey.  I think last year we found a ball of turkey at Whole Foods, just dark and white meat and not too big for two. It worked out quite well.

We have also taken care of Christmas shopping for my sisters plus our niece and her family in Toronto.  We had everything sent so we don’t have to carry it on the plane.  Let’s hope there isn’t an ice storm this year – it was really something last year.

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Somewhere In Neutral

October 14, 2014

I have to do at least one thing today – so far I have slept, watched tv and been on the computer, but not accomplishing anything.  I got up with Eddie this morning to have breakfast with him, he is spending the day at the Convention Center for the Interior Show.  Then we have the volunteer dinner tonight – he is the volunteer in the family.  I feel at loose ends, somewhere in neural – that’s the phrase that comes into my mind.

After he left, I checked email and then went back to bed.  I had trouble going to sleep because I was cold, then had weird dreams.  When I got up, I checked the clock and thought it was 1:00.  I had a show and got dressed, then looked at the clock again – it was only 11:30.  I’ve been sleeping well, so I may be beginning to unwind and release tensions of the last few years.  I did my show yesterday with Krista Gibson as my guest – she is great to have on the show and I enjoyed interviewing her.  Actually, I wanted her to clarify a couple of things I had heard her say because it was just a vague I think I know, but I was looking for I know that I know.  Now I am letting it simmer on the back burner until it really sinks in.

Before the show, I had a chance to meet and talk with Consuelo – her show is at 8:00 a.m., so I hear it as I am driving to the station.  I like what she has to say, plus she is the one who told me about Sound Cloud.  As we were talking, I asked her if it was too soon to see if my Mom had transitioned smoothly and was she with Dad and Josephine – Consuelo said she is there with them and it went smoothly.  She is happy and surrounded by love.  I was so glad to hear that – I know how scared Mom was to let go and all three of us girls told her Dad would be waiting.

After the show I went to see Dave, my attorney friend, about a matter for my sister.  He wasn’t there but I was able to give Dana the information and I will probably see Dave tomorrow at Breakfast Club.  Then went to see Dr. Cheryl for an adjustment.  My shoulders and neck have been stiff and sore – a large weight I have been carrying?  I’m not sure I am ready to examine feelings and emotions right now; I know it needs to be addressed.

I went to my caregiver support group, told them about Mom.  I realized I had been doing a lot of venting, but it was necessary and I knew it was a safe place.  I didn’t say a whole lot and there were two new people.  We ended up with 2 Jeans and 2 Lauries.  Then there was Claire and me, later Toni.   Last night I suddenly realized I don’t have to deal with that any more.  I am a little reluctant to say Mom’s passing is a relief – for her because she isn’t anxious or confused any more; for me because I was having trouble handling going to see her each week, seeing her decline before my eyes.

I was really tired when I came home, then fell asleep for a bit before dinner.  I could have gone to bed at any time, I didn’t want to find myself wide awake in the middle of the night because I had gone to sleep at 7.  My mind feels a bit like mush, hard to hold on to a thought or action for very long.  I feel as if it is one of my “drag my ass tired” periods with RA.

I hear from friends this is fairly normal.  It was very different when Dad died, our niece from Jerusalem was visiting and we left for Virginia after the Celebration of Life open house.  I went home and had to put my cat to sleep and our niece had used our phone to call her fellow and he kept calling.  Eddie was really upset because he told her not to use the phone, plus his sister and her husband didn’t want her talking to him either.  I finally answered the phone, told him I would let her talk to him once but not to call again because I had too much to deal with at that moment.  I told her the same thing, but he kept calling, so I didn’t answer the phone.  So she was mad at us and when she went back home, she didn’t speak to us for a long time.  There was a lot a stuff going on and for a while I couldn’t think about Dad.

Finally I sat down and wrote to him, at times hard to see the keyboard because I was crying, it felt good to put it in words.  I think I wrote at least a couple of other times – wonder where I put the sheets.  What has always surprised me is that whenever we came here to visit afterwards, it didn’t seem strange Dad wasn’t here.  It’s more than that. but I don’t have the words to describe it.  The experiences are different,  not sure what works for me.  Mom’s passing is still so new, I am just being and seeing what happens.  It’s odd how I suddenly remember she isn’t here any more and it brings me up short.

Glad to know I accomplished something today.

A New Beginning

October 20, 2012

I have no idea what to call this post, it feels as if it has been a very long time since I was able to write about what’s been happening.    Maybe something will come to me as I write.

On the 11th of October I moved my Mom to an adult family home – I could not have accomplished it without Kathy’s help.  Mom left for the Center , then Kathy came over around 10.  She ran 3 loads of wash so everything would be clean for Mom as she started out in her new home.   Kathy knew what to pack and did a lot of it.  Most everything was labeled except a few things and ready to go.  I am not sure what I was doing, only that I was busy and time was passing by very quickly.  I think I spent time making inventory lists – except my mouse was losing battery power so it took so much longer as it disconnected and then reconnected.

By the time we were ready to leave, it was after 1.  We put things in both cars – Kathy was able to put Mom’s white chair in her car.  That way Kathy would have her car when she wanted to leave.  As we unpacked the cars, I realized it was getting near time to pick up Mom; Kathy, Didi and the caretaker Judy helped unpack while I went over to pick up Mom.  I was concerned about how Mom would take to the move – she had been fine with it when I told her Sunday night when she initiated the conversation.  So I decided I would just take it as it came and not anticipate negativity.

When I went to the Center, I couldn’t find Mom, she had gone walkabout.  Apparently she gets a bit restless about that time of day and they take her for a walk around the facility.  So we found each other and we went to the car.  We were fine until it seemed a long time to her – she wanted to know where we were going.  I told her we were going to the new home we talked about.  She did seem to think it was a long way away – from West Seattle to DesMoines is a bit far.  I told her Kathy was waiting for her, she had helped fix up her room.  On the whole it worked out very well.

I will admit to being exhausted by then, so tired I couldn’t see straight.  Kathy had to leave to get some sleep because she was working all night.  I stayed a bit longer, then said goodbye to Mom – they took her to see John’s cat in his room, so I don’t think she noticed I left.  I was feeling a bit faint when I got home – I hadn’t had time for lunch – not a smart move.  Eddie took me out to dinner and I felt better after something to eat.  I thought I would go right to sleep because I was so tired – not that night.  I think I was too tired to sleep plus I was uncomfortable as well.  So I didn’t have much sleep that night, getting up at 4 to go with Eddie wasn’t a big deal.  I was spending the day at Olympus Spa by myself and just sit and soak, have tea and lunch there.  After awhile in the 104 degree pool I was feeling really good, I had trouble keeping from falling asleep.  After awhile I went into the lounge room and used the foot massager for awhile on both feet – boy, that was great too.

Then I went into the tea room and enjoyed some jasmine tea and lemon rooibos – sat and read – unfortunately I forgot my book in the car.  That was okay, they had magazines.  The next time I do it, I am going to take a notebook and write.  I went back to the pool for a bit longer until it was time for lunch.  One thing I noticed that concerned me, my hip scar and that area was sore – maybe too long in hot water.

I had a lovely lunch the went back for a little more tea.  After a bit I decided to do the foot massager again but they were all being used.  I was having trouble staying awake, so I got dressed and went out for some fresh air.  That helped and then went back up to the Future of Flight.  I was glad to see several people up there, it has been many months since I was last there.  Did called to let me know how Mom was doing, then talked to Mom – she asked if she could stay there and I told definitely she could.  Then Eddie was ready to go home and I slept off and on all the way home.  We had dinner and went to bed early.  Now that night I slept very well.

I did not expect this drag my ass tired, I figured tired but not this much.  Several people have said I have had a very emotional upheaval and shift – I am not sure what all that is.  To be honest, I don’t know what I feel nor does it seem to have sunk in yet.  I am just going from one day to the next until I feel more rested.  I’ve had some days or periods when I was feeling a bit rested, then back to tired again.  The last few nights I have been sleeping better – last night, not so much.  Fortunately there aren’t any things that need my immediate attention and study.  Rest is foremost on my agenda right now.

Some Clues To What’s Happening To Me

June 17, 2012

I came across an article called 51 Symptoms of Spiritual Awakening – it really explained a lot about what has been happening lately.   It comes from a link on one of Misa Hopkins messages called “Not All Symptoms Mean Something is Wrong”.  This is the link to the 51 Symptoms by Annarita.

Because of my recent broken hip, I was surprised to find it on the list – #41 Falling, Accidents and Breaking Bones.  Her take on it is:  Your body is not grounded or perhaps your life is out of balance. Or your body may be telling you to slow down, examine certain aspects of your life, or heal certain issues. There is always a message.   She also adds some advice to help understand and cope with it –  Advice: Stay grounded by taking your shoes off and putting your feet in the grass; even better, lie down on the grass without a blanket under you. Feel the earth beneath you. Get out in nature. Slow down and pay attention. Be mindful about what you are doing. Feel your feelings when they come up. Stay in the present. Surround yourself with blue light when you are feeling shaky.

#16 is also very similar –                                                                                                                                                                                    Events that completely alter your life: death, divorce, change in job status, loss of home, illness, and/or other catastrophes — sometimes several at once! Forces that cause you to slow down, simplify, change, re-examine who you are and what your life means to you. Forces that you cannot ignore. Forces that cause you release your attachments. Forces that awaken your sense of love and compassion for all.

This has a lot of meaning for me because I have been thinking these past few months since my life narrowed so much with Mom needs that it is time to step away from my business and my life and rethink what I truly want to do for the rest of my life.  I know I want to know my purpose and life’s work doing something I love and feels so right.  I have some ideas about things I want to do – I thought I would have time last fall and then in rehab to write out what my thoughts are and just let it flow out of me.  Unfortunately I have been so bone weary and emotionally and mentally exhausted that I have had no energy to do any of it.  There may also be a part of me that is a little afraid to see where it takes me, for so long my first response to things has been “No”.  But I am choosing “Yes” more often and seeing where it takes me.

#1 is changing sleep patterns.  Man, is that ever true!  I am ready to go to sleep when we turn out the light, then I am wide awake for 3 hours or more with my mind racing.  Sometimes it feels like a squirrel cage, other times I come up with great ideas – that I promptly forget when I finally go to sleep.

#2 is activity at the crown of the head.  Wow, is that cool to know and feel my God Force Energy coming down from Source and going through my crown chakra.  I would love to feel it going all the way through my body and out through the bottom of my feet into Mother Earth.  Hasn’t happened yet but I’ll bet with practice it will.                                                               Advice: This is nothing to be alarmed about. What you are experiencing is an opening of the crown chakra. The sensations mean that you are opening up to receive divine energy.

#9 is skin eruptions – back to being a teenager again. Advice: You may be sloughing off toxins and bringing emotions to the surface. When there is an issue to be released and you are trying to repress it, your skin will express the issue for you until you process the emotions. Work through your “stuff”.  Boy, do I still have stuff to work through!

#12 is power surges – otherwise known as hot flashes.  I thought I was finally finished with all of that, but looks like this is a new chapter –  like most of the symptoms, it is best to let it happen and realize it is only temporary.

#18 is Emotional and mental confusion:
A feeling that you need to get your life straightened out–it feels like a mess. But at the same time you feel chaotic and unable to focus. See #45.

Advice: Put your ear to your heart and your own discernment will follow.

There are a whole lot more that apply to me, but this gives you an idea of what it is about.  I have this feeling there is something coming, something really cool but have no idea what it is.  Mostly it feels as if I have to complete my hip healing and also to settle Mom into a place where she is cared for and has activities and people all around her.  She has been sleeping a lot of the time, not sure if it is just getting used to a new med or a way of escaping from a situation she doesn’t want to be in any more.  She is so ready and anxious to go be with Dad and Josephine the cat – yet she has no idea why she is still here.  It is hard to see her this way, often confused about where she is and who people are.  While I was in rehab, she forgot I lived here and has mostly forgotten who I am.  Once in awhile she knows – I think I have taken a lot of the emotion out of it, but I suspect it can hit me in the face when I least expect it.

Once I have done the best I can for all of us, I need some time to rest and regroup.  Then I can think about me and what is in store for me.


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