Posts Tagged ‘Massage’

Is It Really “No Big Deal”?

April 6, 2014

Deep tissue massage with Debye has once again been an eye opener for me this week.  She has been my cheering section for these many months and she hasn’t understood why I don’t pat myself on the back and be proud of what I have accomplished.  I have realized I have only seen “big” things as accomplishments to be acknowledged; the little ones seemed to be no big deal, they were just things I needed to do.  As an example, no pat on the back for keeping my body straight all week, the courage to keep going and digging down deeper and deeper, becoming more and more aware or asking and trusting my Angels for help.

I was surprised when she told me how much progress I have made, my body is much more flexible than when I started last June.  Plus she is so amazed at how much more aware I am than when I started as well.  From inside me, I feel I am not very far along – only because I am comparing myself to Debye and Monty.  They have studied and had different life experiences than I have had, plus they have healing abilities and sight I have always felt I didn’t have.  I have an automatic response to look outside myself and compare  to someone who is farther advanced, travelled more than I have or has an advanced degree.  I tend to discount what I have done, where I have been and most especially who I am – it’s no big deal.  Pat on the back for recognizing it!

Is it childhood programs and training; society and what it values; not knowing who I am what my gifts are or just a matter of not having confidence in myself.  Maybe it is something else entirely – I don’t quite know at this point.   I tend to compare myself (usually unfavorably) to people who have achieved things of note, made a name for themselves and support themselves very well financially.  Or to people with wonderful gifts that they were either born with or became aware as a result of a near death experience or catastrophic accident.

Over the past 40 years or so, people have often said how positive I am while having RA; how I do so much or that I am an inspiration.  I have a tendency to discount it, not seeing myself as others do but as myself doing what I have to about RA and living my life.  I realize some of that is childhood programs of not thinking well of myself because that is boasting or bragging.  So seeing small accomplishments only as one more thing to do and big accomplishments as something to keep to myself or I will be boasting.  How many kids have grown up with that same refrain?

It didn’t help to have a very talent older sister with great artistic talent.  (I know she will read this and I’ll bet she will discount herself a bit – why is it so easy to see in others but not myself?)  It isn’t anything to do with fault or anything like that – she has a talent and she worked hard to develop and refine it to the wonderful work it is now.  I admire her so much and love to see her work.  She is also a talented musician.

Then at the other end is my younger sister who sings,  writes lyrics and music, as well as books and other things as well.  Being in the middle sometimes feels as if I am out in left field without my own place.  However, I know that is my perception, my feeling of not having anything special to offer or be.  That is lack of confidence and insecurity – as an adult I have a lot better perspective.  I see I have always tried to define myself as an artist of some kind, as if that is the only area to look towards.  Looking back, I think I would have gone to the reference section of the library and start at the beginning and explore what was available, seeing what is out there and what piqued my interest.

It’s funny, I have always liked writing, but I felt stymied trying to think up characters and situations.  I finally realized I like essays and opinions, what I am thinking and feeling or what is happening in my life.  maybe I just feel comfortable because I just write down what is going on, I don’t have to think about.  There are times when it is a serious piece, other times I like to write about either the funny things that happen or describe it in a more humorous way.  I am learning I am a writer because I write – not because I have published anything that is a big seller.

Today I am more able and willing to pat myself on the back , whether it is for recognizing I am beginning to spiral down or that I have had the light bulb go on full tilt about I didn’t quite understand before or for an accomplishment, no matter the “size”.  Too much ego and her negative ideas for so long – it is getting so much easier to see the positive in myself.







Bon Voyage Debye!

December 1, 2013


lYes, it says Bittersweet – Brandy bought it from those owners.  No proper picture with her sign, may have to take one myself to make it accurate.


Gives you an idea of the inside.  Both side walls are brick – a very old building.  Now you know where I go every Wednesday morning.

Debye and Sal are on their way to San Diego area for who knows how long.

Wednesday at Breakfast Club was Debye’s last day – she and Sal will be leaving to move her to around Carlsbad – near San Diego.  That means we don’t have a massage therapist in the club, though she is working to have Michelle come and join us.  Michelle is Debye’s massage therapist.  I know Michelle from the Holistic Chamber networking group not too long after I moved here.  We met at her Whole Life Center; she and I talked about some promotional things, but nothing came of it because she had such an upheaval in her life for quite a while.

It is hard to say goodbye, Debye is a close friend, partner, teacher and mentor for me.  What is so cool is that she learned a lot from me.  This morning’s meeting was about what we are thankful for and it was wonderful to hear how much this club means to all of us.  It is not the usual networking group, so new people either think it’s great or are a bit put off by us.  We have a lot of fun, laugh and there isn’t that push to get people to buy that I have often found in other networking groups.  We have a structure but not the “have to’s” that so many have – we like to get to know each other first.

I saw Debye on Monday after seeing Dr. Cheryl.   I had time between appointments to buy Debye some lovely roses.  What do you get for the woman who is packing up her life in her van?  They are leaving Sunday, so there is time to enjoy them while they last.

Instead of a massage, she and Sal worked with his lasers, they apparently were using four at a time and really worked all over me.  I didn’t feel much – at first it was like a small pinching pain on my upper thigh, otherwise I didn’t feel anything.  I was very relaxed and allowed my mind to quiet and concentrate on the breaths between.  Sal is also a medical intuitive, so her  checked me over and had a couple of things to tell me.  I was a bit woozy when I got up from the table – not unusual – and was given water and told to drink a lot when I came home.

I was a bit uncomfortable that night and woke up feeling rather stiff and uncomfortable in the morning.  A hot shower helped and I was better by the time I left to go visit Mom.  This morning I was doing pretty well – I realized I felt lighter.  With 43 years of RA, it probably will take a while to work through it.

This morning, instead of the usual 5 minute and 15 minute speakers, it was suggested we spend the time talking about what we are thankful for – seemed to cover mostly the group and how much it means to all of us.

Debye asked to go first because she had things she wanted to say to the group.  She thanked everyone in the club and handed out Pyrite or Fool’s Gold.  It has some very interesting properties, so I want to check them out online.  She also had a gift for 3 people, Judith and myself because we saw her nearly every week  since Debye joined the club.  She gave us Selenite, mine looks like flowers, Judith had one that had long, slender clear crystals.  The third was for Dr. Cheryl – Debye had space in her office and they have referred clients to each other.

I decided to just copy Carri’s minutes on what we were thankful for – it’s a shortened version but you will no doubt get the gist of it.

Judith B-Thanks Nick for fixing gutters. Thanks GRATEFUL FOR: Debye for your care.

Vickie B-Ditto, Ditto!

Dr.Cheryl B-Thankful for everyone. Blessings in life on planet.

Carol B-Thanks for personal growth. Was so scared she sat entire time for first talk.

Dick D-Met Pat and invited to Breakfast Club.  Exciting time-offered services and used referrals.

Brandy D-Had hard pregnancy. He never stopped moving. Thanks for using Down Home Catering.

Dave G-Thanks, Julia.

Lee K-Considers all of us her friend. It’s hard to ask for help. We have given her confidence. When she broke hip,received cards, emails, flowers and rides.  Thanks!

Barrie L-Thanks to Pat for helping with Jon’s last accident.  Thanks to Judith for helping son. Moving from 35 year home to retirement home. 

Julia L-Thanks for being member.

Carri M-She is Thankful, Grateful and Blessed.  Grateful to live in the Northwest and see Mt Rainier.  Thankful for technology that found breast cancer when so small. Surgery scheduled for 1/17. Asked for positive thoughts and prayers.

Pat M-Appreciates everyone!

Al O-Thanks to the entire club. Was part of initial information 20 years ago in April.  One constant has been the club’s support of his career.

Debye P-This is her last meeting.  Handed out “fools gold” as a token to remember her by. Rocks can boost vitality. Helps you conquer anything.  

Darrell S-Wife wants him out of house.  John W gave him turkey feathers for fly fishing. 3 gifts_Judith, Lee and Dr Berry.

Randy S-Thanks to group-you are all friends.
John VZ-Thanks for being among you, He see’s 
beauty.He has something to offer, like all of us.

I thought I would be very drippy saying goodbye to Debye and thanking everyone for all they have done and been for me.  Maybe I just shut my mouth before it got to that point.

A Little Rambling

November 24, 2013

I have been thinking of several ideas for this post – yet I can’t really remember any of them!  Sometimes I am compelled to write a post while other times something happened I just want to tell everyone about it.   What’s frustrating is to have something in mind and not have time to write it at the moment.  Then when I finally have time, it seems either bland or I can’t quite remember what was so compelling.  This gave me a chuckle so I will add this and see where things go:


Looks as if this is one of those posts that start here and I have no idea where it will go.  When I think about the past week, I remember how down I felt last Friday after visiting Mom.  Not sure how much came from seeing her slowly going downhill, how much I was just tired or the frustration of feeling things are more work than usual.

I had a very good week and accomplished a lot of things – some unexpected and welcome energy for a change.  I began to slow down around Thursday – not my choice – and by Friday I was not so energetic.  Anyway, I just felt down after seeing Mom and it was like that for 3 or 4 days.  I felt like running away by myself for a bit and let someone else take over; but there isn’t anyone else.    I finally caught myself feeling low and a little sorry for myself – maybe I needed a good whinge – and decided, I don’t like this, it is uncomfortable.   I asked the Universe to help me with an attitude overhaul – an adjustment wouldn’t quite be up to the task.

When I do that, sometimes I notice a difference fairly quickly, other times it takes a couple of days.  This was days, not hours.  I had a massage Tuesday and it felt good – it’s been bout 3 weeks since the last.  Tomorrow is my last one with Debye because she is moving to around carlsbad in California – not the most convenient commute.  I am going to miss her so much, especially as a friend and in some ways a mentor as well a massage therapist.  However, I know her friend Michelle so I will check her out because she does things similar to Debye.

I am pleased the week ended a lot better than it started.  I saw Mom this last week and she was fairly aware.  I brought a D.E. Stevenson book to read, but couldn’t find it on Friday.  I was going to take my iPad but couldn’t open it – I had forgotten my passcode.  I found it and when I go Tuesday, I will play some music for her.

When in doubt, talk about the weather.  We have had some gorgeous crisp, clear Fall days – nippy enough for frost.  I was amazed last week to see the sun shining and the Olympics came out from behind the clouds with snow covered peaks.  The other morning I was up early enough to see them look like strawberry sno-cones – all pink in the sunrise.  The Sound was a deep blue – so gorgeous but I was glad to have my car heater warm me up.  As long as I am in the sun, it is a bit warm and nice; in the shade it’s cold and windy.

I need to take a break and have a shower – we aren’t going out today even though it is sunny.  While Eddie vacuumed, I was printing pictures for his 787 exhibit and fixing the mistakes on his info sheet I typed the other day.  That along with this post.  Back in a bit.

BACK Again!

Not that it made a whole lot of difference; except I not only had a shower and got dressed, I also cleaned the bathroom.  So it has taken me a while to come back.  Too bad no fresh ideas, it happens sometimes.  I was hoping this one would start at one point and have an interesting journey to the end.  Can’t win them all.


May 24, 2013

At last, the home equity loan is paid off, the money for our new kitchen is in the bank and Brad is already working on getting things going.  I am so glad I don’t have to deal with THAT bank again for a loan.  Mom still has her checking account there and we’ll probably just leave it.


Yesterday I picked up the check and went to BECU to deposit it in our new checking account.  I needed to have some money for Brad but they only gave me a very small bit, I can have more Monday and then by next Thursday it is all available.  I got some temporary checks to use until the proper ones came.  Feels so good to have it finally finished.  Now it will be about 3 or 4 weeks of camping without a kitchen for a while – we can deal with that.  I told Brad if there are times when it is better for me not to be here, just let me know and I will find somewhere to go.  We do have lead paint and I know the floor of the basement is asbestos, so that may make a difference.

That was my afternoon.  My morning was my massage – Debye is so excited about how straight I have become and the amount of the heavy energy in my body that is now gone.  I was definitely looking forward to this massage, such a wonderful part of my week.  Towards the end of the massage when I was on my back, she was working my tummy and I began to feel a finger on each of my cheeks – at first I thought it was Debye, but she wasn’t that close.  I had not felt that before and when we were finished, I asked her about it.  She said someone else had come to work on me with her, she sometimes knows when it happens, but often she is focused on what she is doing and isn’t aware.  She remembers one session when she was working on me and she could see a bearded man at the head of the table working on me but that was in a different lifetime and the person on the table was a young boy.  When she told me that, I had an immediate picture in my mind of the  man and the young boy in the room; she said she thought it was in the 16th century.

How cool is that!  I am finding I feel energy coming down through my crown chakra more and more these days.  It is happening right now and I am not connecting to Source to call down my God Force energy.  Sometimes I am now feeling a bit in my Third Eye and I have always felt so much in my Heart Chakra.  She tells me I am becoming more and more aware.  I love it, I send thanks and gratitude every time I feel it.

images       15126163-beauty-lotus-flower

7th or Crown Chakra Symbol            Symbolized by 1000 petal lotus

Another time we were finished and I was writing her a check while she went to use the bathroom.  She came out chuckling because she noticed another thing Spirit had done to let her know of its presence.  She put on a new roll and I was the first to use it, then Debye did.  She showed me that the top few layers had been pushed to one side – she knew it was straight the last time she went.  She says they like to do things like that to let her know they are with her.  She says they will pat her hair and  she is delighted to have their presence.

Today I went to see Mom in the morning – John and his crew are here taking out some stuff in the garden and Brad is meeting with the plumber here in the afternoon while Eddie goes to service his car.  I brought some things Mom needed, like toothpaste, body lotion, kleenex and body wash – plus I tucked in 3 cookies for her.  She was sitting in her wheel chair at the dining room table and was alert and doing well today.  She was pleased with the cookies and we also talked about boats.  She said something about seeing a boat go by with ladies (no clue what she was talking about) and I talked about the boat parade, our adventures with the Mukilteo hull and the Christmas ship.  She remembered some of it and then I mentioned boats in Waterford during summers.  Sometimes she talked about things but I couldn’t understand what she was saying, so I agreed with her.

John and his crew ground down the stump that used to be the cherry tree that was pushing over the garage, dug out the wisteria (yes, I know it has gorgeous flowers, but the tendrils drive me nuts) then the big forsythia at the corner and the sticker bush at the other corner in the front.  We talked with the plumber and Brad and it feels as if things are really getting started.

It has taken me all day to write this, it takes less time when I am alone but it has been an interesting day.  It feels as if we have a new beginning.

From Stress To Happy Dance To Stress – Part 2

May 21, 2013

I have to admit, I don’t really like feeling I am running from thing to another, but the week was like that.  Thursday was my massage and I was truly looking forward to it – especially after Wednesday.  I was feeling a bit down and tired of all the stuff I have continued to carry around all these years.  Debye told me all I have to do is let go – not sure I knew how to do it.  So I set an intention of completely letting go and clearing all the programs and beliefs, all the things I was told I had to be and release them.  What really surprised me was that I began to feel lighter after the sessions and it has continued since Thursday; I can’t really remember what all that stuff was and I have no desire to bring them back.
I began to realize that my authentic self didn’t fit with parents, friends and others – I had to suppress her because I believed there was something wrong.  But I am long past  deciding I have to live according to what someone else says is “proper”.  If someone is not happy with me as I really am, it is their stuff, not mine.  Imagine if I had been able to be this way decades ago, things certainly would have been different.  However, I suspect I wouldn’t have been ready for it until now.
What a difference after my massage!  I also knew that the biopsy on Friday would be more difficult, so I did the “show up and get out of the way” again.  I received a call from the mortgage company, we could go in and sign the papers, wait 3 days to give us time if we decide to rescind it and it would go through.  Eddie had taken Friday off to service his car but he had to postpone because of the closing and I was going with Mom after that.
Friday was Happy Dance!  We went in and signed a whole lot of papers and were given copies for our records.  I was surprised how calm and peaceful I felt; usually I am scared when we have signed a lease or bought house – I wonder if I can live up to the terms.  Strangely, I didn’t feel that way on Friday, in some ways it was a relief to finally have it closed.  it has taken 6 months, once we stopped it while I dealt with Medicaid for Mom and then Fannie Mae decided there was a glitch so we had to wait a month.  Now everyone has agreed  we can go forward.  I called our contractor to get things in motion.
Then I had to go over to Mom’s to be there for the ride over as well as the biopsy.  She definitely didn’t understand what was happening, so it was a good thing I went with her in the cabulance.  It was interesting because the driver was Andre, he had picked us up in the afternoon on Wednesday.  I told him I was so tired on Wednesday I didn’t feel like talking, so we had a lovely conversation on the way to Swedish.  Mom was confused and didn’t really remember the friendly techs, but it worked out.
I wasn’t sure how she was going to deal with the biopsy – I’ve had to have it done so I knew what it would be.  The biggest thing was for her to hold still and keep her arm up – she did do that but not without protest and some angry (but in a very ladylike way) words for the doc.  They were going to take 2 samples, and after the second one she told them not to do it any more.  I was on the other side of the bed talking to her and just being a calming influence.  It was not easy for her – not so great for me either.  It is one thing to be the one having it done, it is entirely different when it is happening to someone I love.  I was so glad it was finished.
We did the same Tri-Med route Friday too –  though by the time I got home it was after 5.00.  When the Tri-Med driver arrived, it was Jean Pierre.  He had taken me to an appointment with my surgeon.  When I mentioned the other man in a wheelchair with his leg straight, he remembered.  the man was in the front and I was in the back. so they had to put his foot between the two front seats and his wife rode in front.  We had a lovely talk on the way back, at times Mom was sleeping – she had been through a lot the past two days.  I gave Didi the instruction for her small incision and also the 2 ice packs for her to use.  I am so glad Didi is a R.N. because I knew she was in good hands with Didi.
It was so nice to arrive home to Eddie and the lovely roast chicken in the oven.  Man, I was beat.  They will have the results next week, then decide what to do.  I hope there is more than one option.
I just had a call from Dr. Rosen who did the biopsy – it is cancer.  They are checking to see if it is  estrogen related or not and all the results will be sent to Dr. Myre.  I just called and left a message for Brenda to find out if I need to meet with the doc alone or with Mom.  Dr. Rosen also let the True Center know and they will be calling me for an appointment with a surgeon.  I want to check with Dr. Myre first to see what she suggests.  I don’t want to have a lot of invasive procedures but I also want the best for Mom.  I didn’t really think I would have to make these decisions.

I have No Idea For A Title

November 29, 2012

I planned to write sooner but all I’ve wanted to do is whinge and I promised I wouldn’t/  I suddenly was so tired on Monday that after I saw my chiropractor, I came home and went to bed.  I slept well that night but was still finding it hard to wake up in the morning and stay awake.  Maybe there are layers of fatigue and exhaustion.  In that case, I may be getting into deeper layers that I have had for a very long time.  I will admit, I am fed up with being tired – I didn’t get this exhausted all in one day, so I need to remember it will take a while to release it, unfortunately I am not very patient at times.

I meant to put this post up yesterday afternoon – suddenly time slipped away because we had to go to both banks for check copies for DSHS.  Then to shop because we invited Kathy to dinner, I haven’t seen or really talked to her in quite a while.  I had also been to Breakfast Club – it has only been 2 weeks since we met – we took Thanksgiving week off – but it feels a lot longer.  Then it was over to Apple for my One to One.  I needed to get my iPad working and learn how to actually use it.  When I saw Mom on Tuesday I was going to take it and play some Al Bowlly things on YouTube – but I wasn’t sure I would have WiFi.  However, I took her chocolate and more Werthers.

I feel so much better after my One to One, I feel I have accomplished something and will see how things work on the iPad on Friday when I see Mom.  Then it was over to see Debye and my massage, I have really missed that!  I have been feeling a bit out of kilter the past few days, not sure what has been going on.  It felt as if something or more than one was welling up in my chest and almost choking me.  We had a great session and I feel so much lighter.  I was able to release and clear this program of feeling responsible for the world.  I now declare I am NOT responsible for anyone’s happiness or contentment, nor am I responsible for fixing things and making it better.  That’s NOT my job!  (NOTE to Self – do you read it loud and clear?)   Finally Debye helped me see things in a different perspective.  Each of us came here with a purpose and contract to experience something, everyone’s is different.  That each thing, event and experience is a gift and I need to allow each one to have their experience without thinking it’s bad or unhappy and I have to fix it.  I need to let go and allow each person their experience without judgment.   I also have to be non-judging about my own.  A couple of times over night I was feeling uncomfortable and found myself seeing it more with curiosity than with “What can I do or take to get rid of it”.  A rather different experience for me.  It is finally sinking in that each experience is a gift, one only has to see it in a different perspective than how we were programmed to see it.   My dim bulb of understanding it getting brighter and brighter.

When I left Debye’s it was raining, we have had some lovely sunny days, though chilly, lately and now the rain has moved in.  It got me to thinking about cats and I found some pictures that really illustrated how I was feeling.

Thanks to for these photos.  They have some really great photos of all kinds of cats.

Fortunately it isn’t raining as hard at the moment, but I am not all that anxious to go out.  But I have more stuff to do for Mom and it isn’t getting done staying home, warm and dry.

Things Are Looking Up

October 28, 2012

This has been a better week, I am starting to sleep better, so I must have rested enough to sleep.  I still have those nights, but it is slowly getting better.  Thanks to my chiropractor and my massage therapist, my shoulder and neck pain is a lot better than it was.  I had a great massage session because I was able to release the pent up emotions in my chest and abdomen, I have no idea what they are specifically and apparently it isn’t always necessary to know the details.

The most positive thing this week was my visit to Mom on Wednesday – she was doing well and said she liked it there, the people were good to her and she didn’t ask how long she had to stay.  They all really like her there and yesterday Eddie and I went over with a cake for the house.  Kathy suggested it and I am so glad she did.  We bought one of the Panera Cinnamon Crumb cakes and every one had a piece, with some left over for another time.  Mom has said several times that she thinks Eddie doesn’t like her, so this helps dispell that notion.  I’m glad we went.  She does keep asking about her parents, do I know where they are.  I have to tell her I don’t know, then she will ask if they are dead.  I say yes, they are watching over you and preparing a place for when it is your time to go.  She keeps saying she wants to go now, so I don’t have an answer for that.  I was also pleased to hear from Jan, one of the residents, that they love having her there.  I was also glad to hear Kathy came to visit as well.

So now it is time to fill in the forms for Medicaid, when we pay December’s payment, there won’t be much left in her checking account.  It takes 6 to 8 weeks to apply , so it looks as if it will be mid December before I find out.  I have been working on filling out forms, finding papers or making changes to others – will the paperwork never end?  I am going to ask Denise, our social worker to look at the forms, etc. before I send them in to make sure they are right.

As for the house, we want to redo the kitchen, so we are applying for a loan that will cover the remodel and the home equity loan.  If Mom isn’t accepted for Medicaid, we will have to sell the house and use the money to pay for her support.  So we are taking things one day at a time – God has already created the solution, we don’t know exactly how it will show up.  We may have to go to Plan B – whatever that is.  Somewhere I heard of a book title called “Living With Uncertainty”.   Wonder what the author recommends.  Right now it is just working on the things that need to be done now, then look to the next step.  Ain’t Life a kick in the head!

This blog sometimes is the strangest thing – I find I want to write pages and pages and other times I sit her and struggle to decide what to write about next.  I seem to have come to a standstill right now, I had so much I wanted to write when I was having trouble with neck and shoulders.  I keep thinking it is because I am still so tired, yet I know I can’t be  using that for all the things that I still haven’t accomplished.  I will admit to still getting used to being in the house with just the two of us.  It is so nice not to have the time limits any more, that I can get up and go early with Eddie when I want.

I am at a point where I need to decide what direction I want my business to go.  I am not sure, plus I have some other things I want to check out as well.  I know it is important to know where I am going and what I am meant to do, but I have been thinking this is not quite the time to decide, not while I am still resting.  How strange to think it is now MY time, I have spent so much of my life focusing on other people, it feels odd to think about myself.

The Greatest Sin

June 10, 2012

Friday was my last day at outpatient physical therapy – they said I had graduated after four weeks of 3 days a week.  I was surprised when Michael told me I had worked my ass off during therapy and didn’t refuse do things because it hurt.  That felt really good to hear, it has been over 3 months since I broke my hip and I am so grateful to be walking again.  The surgeon says it will take a good 8 months to heal, so I am  watching how I progress each day.  I will admit it has not been easy, especially in the beginning right after surgery and when I had a bad flare up because I wasn’t able to take Methotrexate for 3 weeks.  Yes, I did the work and I am proud of myself; the therapists were great helping me through each stage and showing me what I needed to do to recover.  It was a great joint effort and I am very grateful and appreciative of all the OT and PT therapists.  I won’t miss the work very much but I will miss my friends.  By the way, I went up to 10 resistance on the cross trainer last week – another personal goal met!  I am also so very glad to be mobile and independent again, I am free to go where and when I please instead of depending on others to give me a ride.  I am also very grateful and appreciative of everyone who gave me rides and really supported me all through this time.

I also went for my first deep tissue massage in 3 months – oh, did that feel good!  I have missed it, plus I missed Debye and Monty for their love and support and all that I learn from them.  I was really looking forward to my massage, not only for how good it feels but also whatever messages come from the Universe.  The message came right in the beginning – What is the greatest sin?  I was surprised to hear myself say “Not loving myself and beating myself up”.  Lord, I have spent my life doing both.  I haven’t loved myself because the perception of early negative messages, then the continuing negative messages from all sides.  As I lay on the table, I realized I believed those messages of not good enough, not acceptable, not pretty – you name it – because it came from people I thought of as being smarter, more talented, more successful, more whatever than I was.  Well, who made them the oracles in my eyes?  Why did I think I and my opinion was of lesser value than someone else’s?    I spent so much of my life beating myself up because I didn’t think I was good at anything.  The idea of thinking well of myself came  up against the old training of thinking well of myself means I am boasting, bragging and arrogant.  As I wrote that beginning paragraph about being proud of myself, I could feel that old program come up.  Earlier in the morning it came up when I looked in the mirror after I got out of the shower and looked myself straight in the eye and said “I love you”.  I just told ego “Thank You for sharing, I choose something different and positive.  It wasn’t as strong for the blog as it was for the mirror and now I find myself  saying quietly to myself – “You aren’t boasting or bragging, this is a statement of fact.”  It is important for me to learn to pat myself on the back for things, even when it feels as if it is no big deal.  I am learning to acknowledge my accomplishments, my abilities and my intuition much more often and  no longer letting ego run the show.

What amazes me is that since I fell and broke my hip, I have not run the scene over and over in my mind, looking at what I “should” have done, things I wish I would have done or blaming myself or anyone else for it.  That so amazes me because that is the typical way I have always done it in the past – kicking myself for not having done such and such.  It doesn’t feel as if it was a conscious effort not to do it, maybe I was too busy dealing with the consequences to think about it.  Whatever the reason, it is a lovely change in thinking and I set an intention of continuing to operate that way.  I know I have said I needed a break from care giving Mom, I was thinking of 2 weeks in a spa rather than a broken bone and 8 weeks in rehab.  Something Debye said has me thinking and wanting to know more – I broke the right hip, that is my masculine side and that it has broken some ties of dominance in my life.  I need her to tell me more so it makes sense to me – that I know that I know.  I think it is all part of knowing that one’s life is progressing or happening the way it needs to, that there are no accidents.  I have a lot more studying of this before I feel  able to write about it.

What I do know is that loving myself – every part of me – deeply, completely and without judgement is the most important way to healing.

More Than a Massage

August 7, 2011

I have been able to use the computer a bit more lately thanks to my massage therapist – unfortunately I still overdo because it feels good to be able to to do it.  I have realized that I need to be more organized in what I do online and how long – so hard to limit myself when I have been used to spending as long as I want.  Another Life lesson.

I am so grateful to Debye Peters for her massages, explanations and help in dealing with the reasons for having all this difficulty.  I saw her on Friday afternoon and this time it was a bit different because we didn’t do the deep tissue massage to get out the kinks in my shoulders.  It was quite interesting.  We start out with setting an intention for the session – that past few sessions it has been to allow whatever is ready to release to be  let go.  Then Debye invites any spirits or guides of her and mine to come in and be a part of the session.  I found myself relaxing and enjoying the massage this time – I will admit those places that need release do hurt in the beginning and it can be uncomfortable at times.  This was more relaxed, though she is very good at finding the spots that hurt – that’s the whole point of the exercise.  I was on my stomach for the first part and at one point she took the pillow from under my left knee – it’s the one that doesn’t bend or straighten very well. I was a little concerned but it didn’t have the usual feeling of being snapped and really hurting.  Debye stepped back and was amazed at how straight my body was, she has never seen me that straight before.  When I was on my back she really noticed the same thing – I was much straighter than I have been in decades.

She  said she just listened to her guides and she says they did a lot of cellular level clearing for me.  She says when she listens to the guides, amazing things happen – a couple of times she said I was out – sometimes they do that to help with healing.  When I stood up, she was still amazed at how straight and tall I was.  I had a different feeling, not anything I can put my finger on what I felt was different.  I felt capable and strong, things I haven’t always felt.  Now the most important part is for me to believe and own it – a part of me is afraid I won’t believe it and  go back to the habit of walking bent over again.  I also know that what I fear will happen, so I am working on focusing on walking straight and knowing I am healthy, straight and strong.

I will admit that doing this and the other work over the past few years has not been comfortable, butI know it is necessary for me to be the amazing woman I am and to truly know that I know I am.  Besides, if it is comfortable, I am not growing and stretching.  Some things have been a bit scary and other times I didn’t want to do what was important, but I have gone ahead and done it.  I couldn’t have done any of it without support and guidance from so many loving and amazing people who love me and want the very best for me.  I want to be able to give back by being there for others, in what way I don’t know.  But I feel there is something wonderful coming for me.  I have to do this work in order for it to be created and I am much more willing to just let it unfold than I have been in the past.  I love the phrase “creating myself” rather than just finding who I am.  This past year and a half has been such a revelation, I am now much more able to believe I am amazing and lovable – I am beginning to love myself and not have that snarky voice saying “Yeah, right!”.   That has always been ego wanting to keep me in victim mode beating myself up.  Sorry ego, not boarding that bus!

I was thinking the other day how much fear I have had about everything all my life, trying to hide from it to feel secure.  Not working for me.  I thought, what would happen if I didn’t fear the unknown and thinking I’m not capable; since fear hasn’t worked very well, suppose I take fear out of the mix and trust myself, my intuition and all my angels, guides, spirits and beings who are here for my highest good.  Right now I feel my job and focus is to continue work on myself and to be here for my Mom.  She is 93 and has both macular degeneration and dementia, so she isn’t able to drive or do the things she has always done.  My husband  and I moved in with her so she can stay at home as long as possible.  It is not always easy for any of the tree of us, but I am finding there are gifts in it.  I can see things that I didn’t realize, just knew I resented it.  I realize that  I have been able to resolve a few of them – I working on having less and less baggage as time goes on.

I know more and more I am a healthy, powerful, inspiring woman courageously living my vision now!

Encouraging Words

July 17, 2011

It has been an interesting two weeks, especially this last one. My astrology friend said there have been three eclipses in the space of a month, two solar and one lunar. This is very unusual and seems to have stirred things up – plus Friday was the full moon. Another friend said things should ease a little now – not a lot but some. And Mercury is going into retrograde in a couple of weeks – now is a good time to create and put things in motion. Since my knowledge of astrology, the stars and all things celestial is very sketchy, I am not really sure what all this means. I just know it has not been my favorite week.

I was glad to see my massage therapist back, I really needed some help.  I am feeling better and also feeling more comfortable and at ease with her so I can release and let go the stuffed feelings I have all packed up in my back and shoulders.  Debye is so loving and compassionate, non-judgemental – she keeps telling me she sees who I really am and I am beautiful.  Oh does that help!  I am very hard on myself and what I have learned is that I set the standard for myself so much higher than for anyone else – I realized I expect myself to be perfect, then beat myself up because I didn’t meet the standard.  I have heard that from several people and it is not only hard to hear, but hard to recognize to change it.  I am more than good enough and I am working on giving myself a break and loving myself exactly the way I am.  The good news is I feel it slowly happening.  I am also standing up for myself, beginning to take back my power.  How amazing is that!

However, the bright spots in my morning are the message from the Universe and my love letter from Easy World. I came across both of these and have found them very uplifting and even makes me chuckle at times.

I found the  notes from the Universe site through another website.  It’s called TUT and I signed up for it.  Now every morning I have a note that entertains and uplifts me no matter how I am feeling.  A couple of examples:

Through the prism of time and space, Lee, the scary stuff always looks scarier than it really is.

But this is offset by the fact that the great stuff is always greater… is frequently on sale, comes in more flavors, and goes with pretty much everything.

Please pass the Grey Poupon,
The Universe

Things are always better than you think, Lee.

WOW! Just checked in on your new very successful business, Lee! Love all the “bells and whistles” you dreamed up! Smokin’ hot!

Apparently, however, there’s some confusion over where the bouncy seat is supposed to go. So I just told them to put it in your world headquarters executive office, in front of the aquarium… beside the hammock… behind the popcorn maker.


You’re so cute,

The Universe

Your neighbors are going to flip, Lee, but then they probably expect this from you.

I found Julia Rogers Hamrick  through my sister Candy and  loved her Easy World.  I got on her mailing list and later she started sending Love Letters from Spirit – so many times it was exactly what I needed to hear right at that moment.  To give you an example or two:

Wondering who you are and why you’re here? I have left clues for you everywhere.. Just look around! And feel around. 


Your Spirit 

P.S. You might need to clean your glasses and increase your capacity for joy.

You know that thing you haven’t been able to bring yourself to let go of? Well, frankly, you’re not going to see me or feel me very clearly if you don’t go ahead and drop it. Thankfully, we put a safeguard in place a long time back to be sure I wouldn’t have to share space with stale, yucky “stuff.” So, please, just let it go. 


Your Spirit

P.S. I am standing by…

Relax and let me handle everything. I am totally amazing as an orchestrator of well-being and joy! 


Your Spirit

P.S. This does not mean you will not need to do anything–au contraire! You will need to act on my inspiration (be paying attention), which will be easy, harmonious and joyous!   Check them out and see what you think.  If you run across any others, please let me know.


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