Posts Tagged ‘gifts’

Life Lesson

July 4, 2014

It’s the 4th of July today – we knew it was coming because there have been firecrackers going off for a week.  Strangely enough, it’s quiet at the moment – 2:15 p.m. – but I expect it will get livelier as the day goes on and it begins to be dark.  So we are in for a noisy evening and night.  We can look in all four directions and people have fireworks going off – sometimes it is hard to decide which way to turn.  The other unusual part of the day is that we have had sun and good weather quite often – we tend to say summer doesn’t start here until July 5th.

Eddie took the day off and went with me to visit Mom.  I wasn’t sure if he would because he finds it very difficult to be with her, he can’t really carry on a conversation with her.  She has been having trouble with her knee, so she has been in the wheelchair – but Judy has her use the walker to go into the tv room.  Today she was sitting in the chair, her walker near her.  So she must be doing better.  She is always ready for chocolate and cookies, I had 2 different kinds of chocolate this time.  As we were walking over from the church parking lot, Eddie said he didn’t want to stay very long.

We were there about half an hour and Judy was outside on the phone, so I couldn’t tell her we were leaving.  I went around the back door but she wasn’t outside, she was just inside the door.  She was concerned about me because we hadn’t stayed long – I told her it is hard for Eddie to see her that way.  She is so understanding and kind to me, it started my tears gathering in my eyes.  And the nicer she is to me, the more I cry.  It hit me and I was feeling upset.  I went back to the car and decided I would just feel the feeling, feel the sensations.

I can’t really describe how I was feeling,  upset is the best I can do.  So I just decided this is what I am feeling in this moment, not judging it good or bad, or criticizing or beating myself up about it.  I decided to speak my truth, though mostly it was inside me rather than telling Eddie.  It was uncomfortable to feel like that, but that was how I felt.  I felt tears spilling down my cheeks and I let them fall.  I thought about the gift in it, at that moment I didn’t see any gift.  I called on Mother/Father God, my angels, archangels, master teachers, ascended masters, spirit guides, over lighting divas and all who were there for my highest good to help and guide me to see the gift.

As I was working through it, I realized the gift was I felt my feelings and the sensations without judgment or beating myself up – just allowed them to be what they were in that moment.  Usually I will do something or go somewhere so I don’t have to feel or think about what I am feeling – not always the best idea.  It feels as if it is another step to awareness – they aren’t always comfortable or enjoyable steps, but they are necessary.

I told Judy I have had several people tell me that I will be grateful I did this for Mom – she said that was so very true.  Right now it is a bit difficult for me to see this because often I want to run away and not have to deal with it.  I also know I couldn’t live with myself if I did – I keep thinking how she has always been there for me and my sisters and it is my turn to do it for her.  I never want her to feel she has been abandoned.  I spoke to an intuitive a few weeks back and she told me my Dad’s Spirit is still here, waiting until Mom finishes what she needs to complete.  She said he is very proud of me.

It’s better now, though there is a heaviness and some draggy feelings.  The gift comes in unexpected ways, or is itself different from what I thought it would be.  Sometimes I expect things to show up in a certain way or form, when it doesn’t, I am disappointed.  I have a much easier time now just giving it to God and saying “However shows up, whatever works for me”.  I have finally learned that when I  say it has to be a certain way, I limit the Universe and miss out on all kinds of possibilities.

I also have some things to resolve with Mom, I plan to have a reading with the intuitive to see what is left unfinished.

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Is It Really “No Big Deal”?

April 6, 2014

Deep tissue massage with Debye has once again been an eye opener for me this week.  She has been my cheering section for these many months and she hasn’t understood why I don’t pat myself on the back and be proud of what I have accomplished.  I have realized I have only seen “big” things as accomplishments to be acknowledged; the little ones seemed to be no big deal, they were just things I needed to do.  As an example, no pat on the back for keeping my body straight all week, the courage to keep going and digging down deeper and deeper, becoming more and more aware or asking and trusting my Angels for help.

I was surprised when she told me how much progress I have made, my body is much more flexible than when I started last June.  Plus she is so amazed at how much more aware I am than when I started as well.  From inside me, I feel I am not very far along – only because I am comparing myself to Debye and Monty.  They have studied and had different life experiences than I have had, plus they have healing abilities and sight I have always felt I didn’t have.  I have an automatic response to look outside myself and compare  to someone who is farther advanced, travelled more than I have or has an advanced degree.  I tend to discount what I have done, where I have been and most especially who I am – it’s no big deal.  Pat on the back for recognizing it!

Is it childhood programs and training; society and what it values; not knowing who I am what my gifts are or just a matter of not having confidence in myself.  Maybe it is something else entirely – I don’t quite know at this point.   I tend to compare myself (usually unfavorably) to people who have achieved things of note, made a name for themselves and support themselves very well financially.  Or to people with wonderful gifts that they were either born with or became aware as a result of a near death experience or catastrophic accident.

Over the past 40 years or so, people have often said how positive I am while having RA; how I do so much or that I am an inspiration.  I have a tendency to discount it, not seeing myself as others do but as myself doing what I have to about RA and living my life.  I realize some of that is childhood programs of not thinking well of myself because that is boasting or bragging.  So seeing small accomplishments only as one more thing to do and big accomplishments as something to keep to myself or I will be boasting.  How many kids have grown up with that same refrain?

It didn’t help to have a very talent older sister with great artistic talent.  (I know she will read this and I’ll bet she will discount herself a bit – why is it so easy to see in others but not myself?)  It isn’t anything to do with fault or anything like that – she has a talent and she worked hard to develop and refine it to the wonderful work it is now.  I admire her so much and love to see her work.  She is also a talented musician.

Then at the other end is my younger sister who sings,  writes lyrics and music, as well as books and other things as well.  Being in the middle sometimes feels as if I am out in left field without my own place.  However, I know that is my perception, my feeling of not having anything special to offer or be.  That is lack of confidence and insecurity – as an adult I have a lot better perspective.  I see I have always tried to define myself as an artist of some kind, as if that is the only area to look towards.  Looking back, I think I would have gone to the reference section of the library and start at the beginning and explore what was available, seeing what is out there and what piqued my interest.

It’s funny, I have always liked writing, but I felt stymied trying to think up characters and situations.  I finally realized I like essays and opinions, what I am thinking and feeling or what is happening in my life.  maybe I just feel comfortable because I just write down what is going on, I don’t have to think about.  There are times when it is a serious piece, other times I like to write about either the funny things that happen or describe it in a more humorous way.  I am learning I am a writer because I write – not because I have published anything that is a big seller.

Today I am more able and willing to pat myself on the back , whether it is for recognizing I am beginning to spiral down or that I have had the light bulb go on full tilt about I didn’t quite understand before or for an accomplishment, no matter the “size”.  Too much ego and her negative ideas for so long – it is getting so much easier to see the positive in myself.

 

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LET’S HEAR IT FOR A PAT ON THE BACK!

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YOU ARE A BIG DEAL!!!

 

Seeing Mom

February 23, 2014

Some days it is hard to visit my Mom as the dementia continues to take over her life.  I sometimes don’t recognize her as my Mom sometimes – who is that old woman?  But she stays essentially my Mom, the woman who gave birth to me and raised me with my two sisters.  She and my Dad did a great job of making me (I won’t speak for my sisters) feel loved and wanted, taught me integrity ( my sister Ellen feels they gave us a great gift in that, I hadn’t thought of it before and I am glad she said it) as well as honesty, respect for other people and their property.  They gave us discipline too – when they threatened with “warming your fanny”, I knew they would carry out the threat.  They always felt kids needed to have boundaries and they would test those boundaries to make sure they were still there.

I saw Mom on Friday and she was doing well, alert and aware.  Maybe it was sitting at the dining room table instead of the recliner with a throw over her that made the difference.  My neighbor Delores called in the morning and asked to come with me to visit Mom.   She took some sugar-free chocolate and a mandarin orange for her – I took the cookies just in case.  We did have a nice visit and I think I may be getting more comfortable about just seeing how it flows.  At one point I read some of Candy’s new book and Delores really liked it – so I have lent her my copy for her to read.  She also thought “The Translucent Heart” was good as well and I lent her the pages I printed so she could read the whole thing.

I had a long email from my sister Candy the other day; she was writing from her perspective as a daughter living many miles away.

 I feel I can really only communicate from the other side of the veil now. Strange to think that all the things I used to be able to do for her are useless now. No phone conversations, no books, only cards and toys and treats–and who knows what gets through from this side of the veil. I think we have each taken our turn with her process. My Sunday night phone conversations took us through memory lane, then deciding what to do with certain precious family heirlooms (part of the reason for my long list), and then through the disorientation and waiting for the train, which was always a time of reassuring her it would all be fine, and that she would find Daddy and Josephine and friends and family on the other side, and that her daughters would eventually come to join her. 

I also think about our different experiences of Mom in various stages of life and from our different perspectives. As the youngest, I got to know a mother who began to gain self-confidence when she started volunteering at the airport and hooking rugs. She told me that she had no self-confidence before then, even with all the love she shared with Daddy. I think I would have been around eight or ten when she started volunteering at the airport, so the two of you would have been either out of the house or migrating out of the house into adult lives just as Mom was getting some confidence and perspective on herself. I got the benefit of being around in my twenties, too. I could visit Mom and Dad quite often, without all the holiday craziness. Just being there, yet even at that, still not that often. But I saw her in happier times when we were all healthy and independent. 

I often wonder what Ellen’s perspective of growing up is; as the oldest, she saw two join the fold and I’ve often wondered how it felt to go from the only child to an older sister.  Mom and Dad were learning about kids when she was born, so when I came 4 years later, they were more experienced.  By the time Candy came 6 years after that, they were much more relaxed.  It is fascinating to realize how growing up with the same two parents can be so different for each child.

Some of the early childhood training seemed to be about being self reliant; don’t ask for help, don’t bother people, do it yourself.  In many ways that is a good thing, but I realize now that is how I dealt with RA from my diagnosis – not the best way to do it.  But that was my subconscious training, along with not complaining, or at least, not too much.

So many people would tell be I have such a positive attitude about it, plus how I do as many things as I do.  My first response is that I didn’t think I had a choice, I had to do something about treatment for RA.  As for the positive attitude, they had no idea how depressed, discouraged and crabby  I could be only Eddie bore the brunt of that.  Maybe I hid behind a positive attitude, after all, I got a lot of positive feedback.  People would tell me they admired me and how well I do with RA – now that I think of it, maybe I thought it was the one thing I was successful at doing.  Is that why I let it become my identity for so many years?

I have written before how Mom’s dementia has helped me see much more clearly my childhood programs carried into adult life – real gift, though uncomfortable at times.  I am finding that gift is continuing as I become more open to seeing the truth rather than my perception of the truth.  Maybe that is part of Mom’s purpose in this lifetime.


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