Archive for September, 2010

Funny You Mention That

September 26, 2010

After a great Ike Pono weekend, here I am hobbling around like a bent old woman.  I was invited to a networking group on Wednesday and as I was looking for the street number in this little plaza, I felt myself suddenly go forward and all I could think was “Shit, I’m going to hit the concrete”!  I landed on my left side and had some wind knocked out of me.  A very nice gentleman suddenly appeared and asked if I was okay – then some from other shops came out.  One wanted to call 911 but I don’t like a fuss and all my parts were moving, I didn’t break anything.  The first man was able to lift me up onto my feet and I walked into the restaurant, rather shaken.  At the end of the meeting (they will definitely remember me) I went to the ladies room and couldn’t believe how much my left knee hurt, like an ice pick was shoved all the way down into the middle of my knee.  I was able to hobble to my car with help, drove home and put an ice pack on the knee.  It was not one of my shining moments.  I usually look where I am stepping, not where I am going – except that day.

I have been hobbling around since, each day it is better in small increments, but it has definitely put a spanner in the works.  I can’t remember feeling this painful, yet what surprises me is how little bruising there is.  My elbow has a bruise around the outside and a day or so later I found another one on the inside of my right breast.  Both are quite lovely purple, but I will be glad when it goes from purple to yellow to gone.  At this point, I have no idea how long it will be before I can walk comfortably, or even without an ice pick in my knee.  There may be a reason for this, though I am still working on that.

A friend who is a hypnotherapist sent me a healing Thursday night – didn’t think of it until 3 am.  She sent the healing but nothing seemed to happen – I would have loved the whole body healed but I would have settled for just the damage from the fall.  I set an intention of being open, receptive, allowing and unlimited. She did it several times and it didn’t seem to help.  I emailed her to see if I was blocking it for some reason, I wanted it so much but it felt it was too good to be true.   This was her answer:

“Well, you may not like this but what I was getting is that it has become part of your identify.  I sent healings twice yesterday, once during the day and a full vision/body healing right before I went to bed.  I remembered to shield myself so I didn’t “get it” on my body.  So I don’t think you are blocking the healing, but see if this feels right … are you blocking change?  I know you say you want to do and be and go etc etc etc but my gut is telling me that if you let go of the suit of pain and inconvenience that you are wearing, then you would have to reinvent yourself.  Are you ready to do that, you warrior you?  Once in a while, all it takes is one person saying one thing and the light bulb goes on.  Don’t worry about how, just give it over and know that you no longer need to keep hurting yourself or you no longer need to be in pain or even minimally disabled.  You asked, and that’s what I’m getting. Also, the healings may be internal so you don’t feel that much. I usually get people, at the end of the session, saying they really feel much much better though. I’ll zap you again today. Just be open and curious. There is a lot of layers to get through so it may take a little longer than usual.  Okay, should I have sugar coated it?”

This is what I wrote back to her –  Thank you for giving me the straight scoop.  I have wondered a bit and the other day I saw a book by Byron Katie called “Who Would I be Without My Story?”.  I have asked who would I be without RA and for a long time I didn’t know.  Since this last weekend at Ike Pono, I realize without RA I am a healthy, powerful, inspiring woman living my vision now.  It has begun to make sense to me.  Also, the weekend before I was having a hard time, I felt as if there was a war going on inside me.  Bruce also told me I was dying and I needed to decide if I want to live.  I ended up doing an arrow with the goal of life and living.

I wouldn’t be surprised to know that Ego is holding on as hard as she can – she has been in charge for so long and doesn’t want to let go any part of control.  I have been thinking Ego is fighting my Authentic Self for control.  Strangely enough, for a long time I have been afraid to see what is deep down inside of me because I thought it had to be horribly negative.  But I am ready to see it because I know it isn’t as terrible as  I think.  RA has been my identity, even though I haven’t wanted to admit it.  I am doing better in loving myself and not beating myself up – I’ve been doing it for so long and it’s a hard habit to break.

Now it is time to work on finding my true identity, I have no idea where it will take me but I am curious and somewhat excited to find out.  Mostly it is knowing where to look, what I am looking for and certainly when I know I actually found it.  The Universe takes care of it, I don’t have to know the How.  I’ll keep you posted.

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Warrior Temporarily Sidelined

September 20, 2010

This was another Ike Pono weekend that I helped staff.  This is this Ohana’s 3rd and finally weekend, so the Pono Game was on the schedule.  I was ready because the last 2 times  I played, I was a Kickass Warrior.  The first time was my own third weekend and at first I was concerned about how much physical I could do and I didn’t want to mess up my joints.  So I was timid and hesitant at first, but I really got into it and was fully committed.  I really surprised myself at how well I did and how my attitude changed.  It was someone in my Ohana that commented afterwards that I was a Kickass Warrior it hadn’t occured to me but I was pleased to hear it.

Last weekend was another Ohana’s turn and I was there, fully committed to it from the start.  Since then, I find myself telling people I am a Kickass Warrior, that surprises them because it is so unexpected.  I find I am really believing it more and more, so this weekend I was ready.  We went out to practice and bring ourselves into Pono (alignment), otherwise it doesn’t happen.  I had to have a sit down before the first round, so I was resting a bit.  When it came for both sides to meet, I got up and found my left knee wouldn’t straighten out – it hurt to walk.  I started getting uptight and a bit panicky – guess who wasn’t in Pono?  What was happening here?  My army was helping me and I was able to participate towards the end.  I felt I had let the side down and was really upset with myself and my knee.  It would have to pick that moment to to “pop out”.  My side did win that battle, so we went out for a few minutes to regroup and they were right there for me, wanting to know how they could support me.  Of course I was crying and I got myself under control – yup, programs coming up.  I was limping a little when we went back in, but I was there for the second battle and this time I didn’t get killed.  I was ready and on the line whenever I was chosen, I won my battles and our army won in 2 straight.  So I know I am a Kickass Warrior even when there are hiccups along the way.  As I look back on it, I was probably getting a little cocky and full of myself – not the point in this game.

When I started on my three weekends, I didn’t know what to expect.  My big concern was if I would have enough energy to finish the first weekend – Friday from 4 – 10, Saturday and Sunday 10 – 10.  I decided to take it as it came, not get stressed about if I could make it through.  There was one exercise I couldn’t do like the others – not to worry, they had a way I could fully participate without getting injured.  I know the last weekend there was a woman in a wheel chair, they worked out a way for her to experience it safely so she had as much benefit as the others.  In second weekend there are 2 others that I was really concerned about, but they were there for me, my Ohana was right there supporting me and I did both.  Those two I had to be in Pono and I went into Pono to complete it. This group of people I have met through Ike Pono has made such a difference in me and also now I am giving back to others in gratitude.  I have been given so much and I know gift them the gift of receiving what I have received.  I continue to learn and grow as I do each weekend and this weekend especially, I have gifts, experience and knowledge I can give.  It is such a wonderful two way street in Ike Pono.

I have begun to see who I really am and slowly loving myself for the first time.  I saw a book title in the book store – “Who Would I be Without My Story?” by Byron Katie.  I read some of it and I  started to realize that without RA, I am a healthy, powerful, inspiring woman courageously living my vision.  My identity isn’t someone with RA, it is condition I live with every day, but now I know it is not who I am.  Thank You Ike Pono!!!!

“Do You Have Rheumatoid Arthritis?”

September 12, 2010

That was  what the ad  said that I saw on the back page of the first section of the Seattle Times about a place near Tacoma looking for people with Rheumatoid Arthritis.  They are doing natural supplements, so I called, left a message with my phone number.  The next day I had a call from Leslie and she said I needed an official diagnosis of RA and a year of lab work.  I call my rheumatologist’s office and talked to her assistant who said she would fax it over.  I gave her Leslie’s name and number so she could find out the fax number.  Then the following week I called Leslie and she made an appointment for me to see a doctor to evaluate me.  So I am not quite in yet, we will see what happens Wednesday.  The lab and the natural supplements will be paid for by them, though not sure how long the project will be – something to ask the doc.  I am happy they are natural supplements since I have had my fill of meds – though I am still taking them so I can move.  It isn’t anything harmful and I don’t think I will have to stop my meds.  Lots of questions, answers on Wednesday.

Leslie sent me an email with the registration form – Ye Gods and Little Fishes!  It’s 20 pages and it’s a good thing I decided to work on this morning.   I am up to page 11.  The thing about having had RA for 40 years is there are so many things that I don’t remember them all or when.  I moved around a lot so I have to stop and think so I can picture where it was.  Then I have to remember what doctor it was so I can remember the city.  Some of the docs were great, some were okay and some were lacking in bedside manner.  Thank goodness none of them were quacks or incompetent – when I was ready to go the next city I would ask for a recommendation from my present doc.  So I did quite well in that department.  I remember one who was lacking in bedside manner, but he knew his stuff and that was much more important.  I  have been meaning to keep copies of records I fill out so I will have it for the next time – except I haven’t.  So I am doing this one on the computer so I will print it out but also have a copy for myself.

In a way, filling out this form has helped me look back at what’s happened over the years, there may even be a point when I will see a time or incident that was a gift I just didn’t recognize at the time.  I look back at how young and inexperienced I was in November 1970 when I was first diagnosed – no idea what RA was any more than I really knew anything about the world or Life.  Well, I have definitely received an education in 40 years, I am a very different person now.  I was a young girl then, I am a woman now and stepping into my power at last.  I probably had to go through all of those events during those years to be the woman I am today – I can’t honestly say I wouldn’t change a thing;  I may need more perspective since I am a work in progress.   I remember when I went to Australia in 1969 to be married, I was 22 going on 16, though I thought I was terribly mature.  Well, a year and a half in the boondocks of New South Wales certainly helped me grow up a lot, then 40 years of RA has finished the job.

As I think about doing this project ( if I qualify and am accepted) I wonder if I have any unconscious expectations?  Consciously I am setting an intention of being open, receptive, willing and unlimited, to take it as it comes and see what happens.  Will this be something that makes a difference and helps me be more comfortable?  I know there is a lot of inside work I have to do that no pill or liquid can change – I have to change it.  What’s different about that is now I am willing to know the truth about myself because now I know there isn’t some god awful bitch on wheels living at the core of me.  There is probably a scared little girl;  plus my inner bitch, but she is also necessary as well as the loving person I am.  I have decided that the truth about myself isn’t all negative as I have always thought, there are some less than nice parts but on the whole, I am a really nice person.  Now my childhood training said that you don’t talk well of yourself because it is boasting.  So the last couple of sentence were a bit harder for me – I kept wondering if I was boasting or being arrogant.  As they say in Ike Pono, your programs keep coming up, it is how you deal with them that makes the difference.

I will keep you posted on what happens with this project.


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