Archive for June, 2010

It’s Just A Thought

June 20, 2010

I have been a big fan of Louise Hay for several years – ever since I found her book “You Can Heal Your Life”.  I checked it out of the library 4 or 5 times, then I knew this was a book I wanted to own.  When Christmas came around and my husband asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I had the answer ready.  One of the things that has stuck in my mind for a long time is when she talks about everything is a thought and a thought can be changed.  I read Eckart Tolle ‘s “The Power of Now” and began to understand that all we have is right this moment.  What we think and feel in this moment creates the next moment – looks as though I have been operating on such negative thoughts for so long, I am now at this point of uncomfortable RA.  So now it makes me stop and examine how I see myself, and have for 63 years – not a pretty sight.  I have always been overweight – fluffy or Reubenesque – and got teased about it all during school.  Not conducive to thinking well of myself and I realize I have carried it all through my life.  I have looked at what I can’t do, what hurts, what feels not possible – now I see that looking at all that I can do would have been so much more productive.  But society and “somebody else’s training” only focus on whether or not one “fits the mold” and when you don’t, there is something wrong with you.

What would happen if I started changing my view and focus to what I can do?  Hmmmm, a foreign thought that is now taking hold more and more.  I have changed my thinking a lot since my 3 Ike Pono weekends and now see  myself in a more positive light.  I am less likely to think I am responsible for the world and everyone’s happiness – I care but not so much because it is a choice to see the world in a particular way.  I know my body has some problems, but instead of focusing on my joints, tendons, muscles and ligaments that are stiff and not very flexible, look all the parts that are working very well.  I am so grateful to have my respiratory system working well so I can breathe, my digestive system works so I can put food in my body to keep it functioning, my urinary tract, my elimination systems, my blood flows really well every where in my body, my organs are doing well – I could be in a lot worse shape.  I am so grateful that after 39 years of this condition, I am still moving under my own power and I have all my factory installed parts.  I have had very little surgery and although I have deformities in my hands, feet, knees and other places, everything is still functioning well.

Instead of focusing on what I can’t do – like run,  do extreme yoga, not much energy or flexibility, etc., I can look at how well I can smell, taste, feel, hear, and see.  I would miss not being able to hear the sound of water falling, Puccini arias and the wonderful classical music; hearing my husband tell me he loves me, my clients tell me how great the order came out or listening to a cat purr.  Yes, I do love food and it tastes wonderful – no doubt a big reason it is hard to lose the extra weight.  I enjoy the smell of a bakery, of the lilacs, jasmine, salty air at the ocean and a newly mown lawn.  There is nothing like the soft fur of a cat, the feel of my husband when I hug him, the rain on my face and the warmth of covers on a cold night.  Nothing is more beautiful than a gorgeous sunrise and sunset – God brings out his paintbox and paints the sky in fabulous colors, or the lights of the city and watching the ocean waves crash onto the shore.  I would be lost if I couldn’t read or write – two great pleasures in my life.

I am married to a wonderful man, though at times he irritates me and I want to throw him out the window – no doubt he has times when he feels that way about me.  But for 41 years I have had the love of this terrific guy and I have loved him with all my heart.  There have been rough times, good times, unusual times and because of him, I have traveled to places I have always wanted to see and experienced so much.  I have gotten quite an education on Armenians, I had never heard of one before I met him.  I realize I don’t tell him often enough how much I appreciate him and all he has done for me.  We had been married a year and a half when I was diagnosed and he has stayed with me through it all.  Other men might have left, but my other half has continued to love me  and be with me even when it was a difficult life for both of us.  It has been a partnership and whenever he was promoted or went to a new company, I packed up the house and my life and started anew for the next adventure because I wanted to support him.  He has given my life richness and expanded my world more than I could have imagined.

So now it is long past due to concentrate on all the wonderful parts of my life and no longer allow ego to take control so she only focuses on the negative.  Yes, it is only a thought and thank goodness a thought can be changed.  I choose to change each negative thought that pops up into a positive one.

Fear

June 13, 2010

Last weekend was the 3rd one of Ike Pono and I am still processing it – I’m still processing the first two as well.  Although there wasn’t a huge “Aha” moment, I’m noticing small ones when I least expect it.  Plus, every once in a while,  there’s a “Huh?” moment.  Sunday evening as we were getting ready to leave at the close, they were talking about another session being planned for 5 days in Hawaii – boy, that would be cool!  Someone suggested being able to swim the warm ocean but I said I prefer sides to my water.  He had a puzzled look on his face, so I explained I am afraid of the water.  I learned to swim with a dignified dog paddle that gets me from one end of the pool to the other, but I am still afraid of the water.  He asked about it and I told him when I was about 5 or 6 living in  Manhattan Beach, CA, I was sucked under by a wave.  “And you never mentioned this near death experience during the weekends?”.  Yikes!  Near Death Experience?  I never thought of it in those terms.  I just remember my older sister and I went down to the beach with a neighbor without permission.  I was playing at the very edge with the little waves and the next thing I knew, I was in the water, all wet and water in my mouth.  I don’t think we ever told Mom what happened.  As far as I know, that is why I am afraid of the water.  Even now, when I swim, the face never goes near the water and I always wear my glasses.  Now I wonder if that is why I have been so afraid of life, of taking risks because if I do, I get my nose clipped – especially if I haven’t asked permission.  Our parents brought us up to be sure we are safe and secure before venturing out – not conducive to stepping out and taking risks.  Maybe that is why I look for approval and permission before doing something – I haven’t been trusting my intuition and inner voice.  My younger sister was different from my older sister and me – she would announce “I have done such and such”.  Where did that come from?  Maybe there has never been anything I wanted so much it didn’t matter what anyone said.

As I look back, I have always been afraid of the world – it’s a scary place and I am not safe.  I know now Mom was only protecting us because she loves us, but it used to bug me no end when she would say things like “Don’t fall down the bank”, Don’t burn yourself”, “Don’t trip on the branch”, etc.  As if I was going to fall and hurt myself on purpose!  I didn’t see the message of love, I just heard ” You’re not smart enough to know not to do things so I am going to constantly tell you”.  Even at 63 I still hear it from her – she is in permanent “Mom mode”.   She is on autopilot, so she says it to my husband and my two sisters as well.  I am finally realizing to be grateful she and my Dad loved us so much and wanted the best for us – unfortunately young ears don’t hear the same message they sent out to us.  I had to be this age to finally understand.  2 years ago when my older sister was visiting for Mom’s birthday, she said something that put a whole new spin on how we were raised.  She said “Mom and Dad gave us a very valuable gift – integrity!”.   When I looked at from that angle, I  knew what she meant.  I can not be anything but truthful, no matter how much I would like to at times.  There are times when I want to cut corners, but something in me won’t allow it, no matter how much easier it would be.   The best definition of integrity I know is – doing what is right whether anyone is watching or not.

I am much more inclined now to consult the medical intuitive – it has been a very uncomfortable weekend and I need to know what is at the bottom of all this.   Normally I would beat myself thinking how dumb and stupid for creating this – now it is with love and compassion I see it and want to know what was going on in my head.  I know ego was in charge, she has been for most of my life until I finally figured out she is my false self who loves drama, victimhood and fear – the more the better.  I realize it may have been my way of hiding from not finding work I am passionate about or a good reason not to venture out into the world, maybe fear of being wrong, not being good enough, not worthy,  doing something and either failing or not succeeding or just looking stupid.  I think fear is the base of it and maybe that ocean incident – still trying to get my head around calling it near death – is really what set it in place.  I have a picture of myself when I was about 3 or 4, it was taken in the back yard of the house in Manhattan beach and is one of a series.  All of the pictures, except for this one,  show me being a good girl and smiling for the camera.  This one I have a stance and expression on my face that says “I will do it, but I won’t like it!” – where did that little girl come from and where did she go?  She left the fearful good girl in her place.  I wish I could remember what was going on that day.

How Do I Show Up in Life?

June 5, 2010

I have been doing Ike Pono weekends and yesterday was the first day of 3rd weekend.  I haven’t been feeling that comfortable physically but this is important to me.  We had an exercise that really shook me up because it shows me how I show up in my life – not trusting my instincts and what my heart is telling me.  I have spent most of my life wondering what I want to be when I grow up, wondering what is most important to me and what my purpose in life really is.  For so long the answer has usually been “I don’t know”.   Have I spent so long not believing I can be whatever I want that I have buried it and given up my power and dreams?  As I look back I see how many times I knew something but I allowed someone to talk me into another way because I didn’t trust myself.  Then when it was finished, I realized I knew what I was talking about after all.  Makes me feel so gullible and trusting, yet criticizing and beating myself up doesn’t help at all.  So why is it I don’t trust my own instincts?  Why haven’t I stood up for my knowing?  Not enough education, experience, knowledge?  Then feeling stupid for not listening and resenting the other person.  Normally I would go into judgment mode on myself and I started down that path last night.  The whole point of the exercise is to know who I am and love myself – unfortunately a very unfamiliar feeling and MO.  As Louise Hay says “It’s just a thought and a thought can be changed”.

Now I need to look at RA and how I am showing up in that.  At this moment I am feeling less than perky because my legs are bothering me and I haven’t been sleeping very well.  That makes me a bit cranky and certainly not very objective.  So what is going on inside myself that  has created RA?  I have often thought it was somewhere I could hide so I didn’t have to make any decisions about what I want to be.  As much as I don’t want to admit it, it is also an easy out of doing something I am afraid to do or don’t know how to do.  Rather than risk failure, it has been easier not to try because of RA.  I have met a medical intuitive and I want to go see her to really find out what is going on inside.  Yet there is a part of me who is scared because I figure I will be seen in a bad light and the answers will be negative.  Why not think in terms of finally seeing my magnificence and what is amazing about me?  Probably because early training says it is boasting and egotistical to think well of myself.  I want to know but I am letting fear keep me from doing it.  Who knows, I may find out some really great things and help solve the mystery,


angelswhisper2011

Me and my Granny

TWOspoiledcats

Angel Sammy and Teddy

Northwest Outdoors

This WordPress.com site is the cat’s pajamas

countingducks

reflections on a passing life

Universal Cosmic Consciousness

All experiences are the journey.

Sequins and Cherry Blossom

London Living: Art, Architecture, Gardens, Culture and Japanese Food

Welcome to Tofino Photography

Professional Wildlife, Landscape and Seascape Photography

Rocking This Illness: My Story of Life with Behcet's Disease

Navigating Life with an Illness that Doesn't Define Me

I used to be indecisive...

...but now I'm not so sure

livelovebegreen

making my world greener, one day at a time

LEANNE COLE

Fine Art Photographer ~ Daring to be Different

Wiley's Wisdom

Joy: From the Ground Up

Mom At Work

Work is the easy part.

StickertyClick.com

" Creativity is a drug that i can't live without' - Cecil B. Demille StickertyClick, Destination for all of your edgy creative needs.

brent's iPhone & japan

what am i up to...

twocatsviews

Life as Seen by Hemingway and Steinbeck

Top 10 of Anything and Everything!!!

Animals, Gift Ideas, Travel, Books, Recycling Ideas and Many, Many More

%d bloggers like this: