Posts Tagged ‘angels’

Now Mom Knows

September 11, 2012

SUNDAY

I just realized the post I wrote yesterday was still only a draft – I was sure I published it.  Well, now it is published for all the world to see.

I must admit, I have been dreading to day because I needed to tell Mom about the new home – I didn’t think she would be too happy about it.  Yesterday I talked to Kathy on the phone about how to approach it and she gave me some very good suggestions.  I had been wondering what to say and worried about how she would take the news.  I realized, at least in my head, that I needed to give it all to God, my spirit guides, angels and master teachers as well as Archangel Michael to help Mom have peace.  So I  had to really talk to myself about it, to release all the worrying and over analyzing, to just let it all go.  I truly had to put it in their hands for them to give me the words, actions, attitude, thoughts, etc. to tell Mom.  I had to not only just show up and get out of the way in my head – it had to be in my heart as well.  Strangely enough, I was fairly calm, though had trouble going to sleep last night.  I kept thinking about Mom, the things I could say, how she might react – second guessing about things that hadn’t even happened.  So I decided I needed something else to think about, so I switched to quilting – that actually did it for awhile.

When I got up this morning she was very confused, asking if this was her parents house, etc.  She ended up go in and out of bed 2 or 3 times – I was feeling anxious because I wanted to “get it over”.   But I knew that was only for my benefit, this had to be  about Mom and when the best time  would be for her.  So I waited until she was fully awake, dressed and had had breakfast.  Then I sat her down at the dining room table to tell her.  I mentioned the house she had stayed for a couple weeks and the lady there, Lucy; not really but that didn’t matter.  I told her I had found another home for her, a real house with a large yard, a place to be outside when it is nice and  how pretty it is.  I said the lady who owns it met her at the Center and talked to her; thought she was sweet and made her laugh.  She liked Mom so much she has invited Mom to come and live in her home.  I mentioned a little dog who loves people that comes to visit and there are some other ladies there.  She wanted to know when and I said on Wednesday.  I feel as if I had smacked her in the face, she seemed a bit stunned.  So far she isn’t angry, though she wonders how she is going to be able to do it all.  I told her I would take care of it for her.

I called Kathy and told her I had told her and she seemed to take it well.  Kathy planned to come over and visit, bring lunch for the two of them.  After I hung up, I made phone ring and pretended it was Kathy and told Mom she was coming to visit.  Mom was delighted because she really likes Kathy.  She stayed for about an hour or more, Aster and I were in the office talking.  So far Mom hasn’t said much, maybe she is trying to process it.  We’ll see what happens.

TUESDAY

Mom didn’t say anything about moving to her new home, though Monday morning when I told Helima it would be her last Monday because Mom is going to a new home, Mom seemed confused.  So I just reminded her we had talked about it the day before and she  just said “Oh”.  Then  yesterday afternoon and evening she asked if she is going somewhere and when.  She seemed okay with it – I still don’t know how much has registered.  Kathy is coming to help today and tomorrow – I think having her will reassure Mom.

As for me, I am so tired and dragged out, I find everything takes so much energy and effort.  I did go to my caregiver support group yesterday afternoon – I think I have a difficult time, but the others have so much more to deal with than I do.  I did make an appointment for a massage with Debye on thursday morning, then I need to pick up Eddie in the afternoon.  Friday I want to meet Charlotte and accept her generous offer of the weighted baby doll – other than that, I don’t know.  At the moment I haven’t planned ahead, just want to sleep.  I know things will look different when I am more rested.

Farther Into The Thin Places

August 12, 2012

Yesterday morning when my Mom got up, she asked me who she is.  It happened a couple of weeks ago and it really surprised me.  I know she doesn’t always know who I am, but she has always known who she was.  She is the most confused in the morning when she wakes up; later in the morning it is better but not always.  The other thing she said was she didn’t think she was in the right place – where the right place I have no clue.  I told this is her place right now and after going through a couple of times, she seemed okay.  At least she didn’t do her “never mind, forget it” routine.  There have been days when she seems to have one foot in this world and one in the next world, what my sister Candy calls the thin places.  Every day Mom goes more and more into the thin places – she wants so much to be on the other side with Dad, Josie the cat and her family – she is scared they really aren’t there.  My friend Monty told me they are preparing a place for Mom and because she will be confused at the beginning, she will have guides to help her through the transition.  I have told her this, she wants to believe it so much but I don’t know what scares her so much.

I have watched this very independent (and stubborn) woman become so tentative and afraid, asking permission to do anything.  She once said she used up all her courage to fly from Connecticut to California to marry my Dad right after Pearl Harbor.  I wonder if that was really true.  What I also realize is that is one of my childhood programs.  We were always taught to ask permission first before doing anything – except my younger sister was the one who at time would announce she had done such and so.  Where did that come from?  How did I miss that?  I definitely was brought up to be a good girl, follow the rules, ask permission, etc.  No wonder I have had a hard time trusting myself and following my heart.  I didn’t listen to my heart because it was different from what I learned at home.  Let’s face it, I wanted to be accepted, acceptable while not having the courage of my convictions.  Ye Gods & Little Fishes!  At 65 I am still that way in some things but I am breaking out of my shell and taking risks.  Well, risks for me.

I also notice how negative Mom has become.  She doubts everything and is convinced the worst possible scenario will come to pass.  She just left for a walk with the new caregiver and I said she didn’t need to take the house key, that I would be here and the house would be open.  She doesn’t think so.  Not sure what she thinks will happen but I suspect having the door key makes her feel more secure.  I am not going to try to persuade her to leave the key here, it isn’t going to make a difference but she will feel better having it.  I have grown up with that negativity from the time I can remember, but it has intensified so much the past few years.  I really see now how much I have absorbed that thinking for most of my life, now I am finally much more aware and recognize more often.  No, it’s isn’t all the time but I have also changed my thinking.  In the morning before I get out of bed, I thank and give gratitude to God, my Spirit Guides, Angels and Master Teachers for all I have been blessed with – comfortable and uncomfortable.    I will admit it isn’t whole-hearted yet – those uncomfortable  ones aren’t quite there yet.  I am a work in progress.

I also notice Mom tends to mumble and talk about things that make no sense, not even sure they make sense to her.  More and more I don’t know what she is trying to say, only that she gets frustrated and upset she can’t get the words out.  Then she goes straight to “never mind, it doesn’t matter!”.  She talks about other people in the house, I don’t know if they live here or just visit or if she sees them or only senses them.  She is confused a lot about who I am, yesterday she thought I was her sister.  She thinks Eddie is her father, my father, her husband – I wonder if it is because he is the only male she sees consistently.

I often wonder where my Mom is and who is this confused and scared woman living with us.  She looks like Mom but not much resemblance other than that.


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