Posts Tagged ‘stubborn’

Stubborn – Another Viewpoint

April 12, 2013

Since I wrote the post on stubborn, I have learned a few different ways of looking at it from other angles.  My sister Candy sent me this after reading the post:

“Perhaps stubborn could also be strong with the ability to hang in there. That’s the positive flip side and that’s what I have seen you do in the last few years, especially with all you have gone through helping Mom and healing from the hip and making huge changes spiritually. There’s always a flip side to the negative. Julia Cameron has an exercise where you take the negative labels and turn them into their positive opposite. I don’t see you as a victim, but a victor. You are empowering yourself by changing your limited thinking for new ideas and new ways to look at old situations. And that takes a bit of stubbornness and strength to do that in spite of all the doubts and people who do not support you in the changes you are making.”

I heard someone on the radio yesterday illustrate stubborn as not listening to one’s inner self.  She was working as a nurse in an Alzheimer’s facility and kept hearing “Go to Evergreen Hospital”. She kept putting it off until she broke her wrist rollerblading. She decided to go just for the heck of it, they hired her as an oncology nurse on the spot and were also willing to wait 6 weeks while her wrist healed.  It is knowing something to do that will make a difference but putting it off for every reason that one can think up.

I know I need to clean out my office and not only organize it but also throw things away that no longer serve me.  I know I  have a pack rat mentality; I come by it honestly from my parents.  I realize I keep waiting to have energy to do it, something that is taking a long time to arrive.  The practical part of me says I need to just start small and the energy will come.  The other part of me keeps saying how tired I am and I just want to sleep.  The negative part of me seems to be the louder voice – it takes more practice to listen and pay attention to the positive voice.

I also need to clean out the house, now that my Mom no longer lives here, and make it our home with our furniture, etc.  Talk about a daunting task!  My husband and I keep saying we will do things after the kitchen is done.  But I also realize we have to clear out the kitchen of everything in all the drawers, cabinets and pantry.  My positive and negative voices are shouting at each other.  Positive says most of it needs to go; the negative side says we might need it later so it is better to keep it.  Yes, I know I have to decide which voice to listen to in spite of knowing both sides have some good reasons.  I don’t want to expend the energy to reenforce more of the positive  voice,  though I know  the good points of the negative voice.

I keep saying to myself and focusing on how tired I am and how little energy I have at this point.  Certainly I know those negative messages keep piling up and definitely keep me feeling tired.  It’s looonnnnnng past time to change my thoughts and focus to  being ” wide awake, full of energy and ready to go”.  I have noticed the sunshine helps lift me to have more positive thoughts and feel energy.   Instead of just waiting for the energy to come, I know it is important to make different choices.  Yet it feels as if it takes too much energy and effort to start it.  So here I sit, knowing it is my choice to do what is required and not really doing anything about it.

The positive of all this is that I may actually be changing my thoughts and focus already, it may just be slower than I want it to be.  I tend to want visible, measurable change rather than waiting for the gradual change to be noticeable.  I am feeling that way about Orencia – I had my 3rd infusion on Tuesday but there doesn’t seem to be a discernible difference, just bits of well-being occasionally.  Is it stubborn or just impatience?   Seems this is still a developing  process – it will be interesting to see what else shows up to show other kinds of stubborn.

What Is Stubborn?

February 21, 2013

This is the post I have been working on since Feb 10th – In many ways it still feels as if it is still a work in progress.  Isn’t that Life after all?

I ask the  question because I have been reading Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” and many of the things I am looking at have stubborn as the cause.  I don’t think of myself as stubborn – I check the dictionary and it says:  Having or showing dogged determination not to change one’s attitude or position on something, esp. in spite of good arguments or reasons…  Now is that really me?  Let’s face it, I feel as if I have spent my whole life doing what others wanted, not always willingly or with good grace.

Silver-Tabby-Cat-512X384-51

Am I really stubborn?

However, the more I have thought about it, the more I wonder if it has to do with seeing myself as a victim – of RA, other people, circumstances, etc.  I have finally realized and understood that I have always felt I was an innocent victim sideswiped by RA for no reason – not quite accepted it or willing to admit it out loud much.  I have felt helpless and powerless a lot of my life because I now realize I gave my power away.  Who knew I had power?  What a revelation!  However, that victimhood belief has been in there for over 6 decades, going to take a while to dislodge and clear it out.  If not now, when?

In looking at just one entry for knee problems, she writes it is “Stubborn ego and pride. Inability to bend. Fear. Inflexibility. Won’t give in.”  I have been thinking I am not quite willing yet to actually give up being a victim – much too comfortable and familiar at this point.  Then I have to ask myself “What would happen if I did let it go?”.  That would be a radical attitude overhaul.  Then what would I replace it with as a positive attitude?  I have been in this same mentality for a long time, I am now on autopilot.  It takes a conscious effort to say “Thanks for sharing ego, I choose something different”.

I am getting better at noticing when ego pops in with her 2 cents worth, I hadn’t recognized before or even understood what was happening.  I have held on to all the hurts, anger and resentment of things people “did to me” – hugging them to myself as proof of what a victim I am and how mean people have been to me.  As Dr. Phil asks:  “How’s that working for you?”.  Not very well.  I don’t like feeling like a victim any more, it is too much of a powerless feeling now.  The curse of being a good girl, following the rules and doing what I’m told.  It is hard to break out of that at the moment, it is getting better and I am more often   I have to look this one up as well able to do and say what I want.

So holding on to victimhood, all the hurts, anger and resentments – is that where I am stubborn?  Or not loving myself in spite of all the evidence to the contrary?  Looking at things from the negative view rather than the positive?  At this point I am not sure if there is one definitive answer or a series of  different answers.  I am certainly open to any ideas or opinions to help clarify it.  I have probably gotten too close to it and overanalyzing again.  Maybe if I go take my shower and get dressed, it will seem clearer to me.

UPDATE

It is now 10 days later and it isn’t very clear yet.  I also got a message about being inflexible – another word from Louise Hay – I don’t quite see how I am inflexible.  It feels as if most of my life I have had to put my life on hold, cancel things or postpone because I had to do something for someone else.  Wouldn’t being inflexible mean I do my thing before I do anything for anyone else?  I have to go look this one up as well:

Not willing to change ideas, beliefs or decisions – Something or someone who is inflexible cannot or will not change or be altered, even if the situation changes.  Does not bend.

domestic-cat

Inflexible? Don’t be ridiculous!

Hmm, I keep thinking that doesn’t sound like me – I feel as if I am easily persuaded and let people talk me into something.  When I know that I know something but I allow someone to talk me into something, I kick myself for not listening to my higher self.  There are many times when I don’t trust my higher self, that I still look to others for validation instead of from inside myself.

I suspect that both terms have more to do with my beliefs about myself than anything else.  I was hoping that as I thought about this and wrote about it, I would have a better idea what is happening so I can clear any negative energy and understand better.  I suspect I will have to put it back on the back burner again and check back in a while.  I would be open to any ideas or explanations.  I suspect I am still too close to it to be objective.


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