Archive for May, 2010

Powerless Or Powerful?

May 31, 2010

I have spent so much of my life feeling powerless, I never knew why or what I could do about it.  When RA arrived, I added helpless to my view of myself.  To me, power and being powerful always seemed as if powerful people were strong and bulldozed their way through whatever obstacles stood in their way.  As a highly sensitive person and brought up to be the “good, polite girl” I couldn’t see myself doing anything like that.  Lately I have begun to understand I have given away my power all this time – then came the question “How did I do that?”.  A foreign concept to a “good girl” because the “rules” said you had to play nice, be polite and as a girl, let the boy win.

Skip forward a few years and I read one of  Dr. Phil’s rules – “You teach people how to treat you”.  Once again, how did I do that?  Since I came from a background and lifetime of insecurity, not all that hard.  I ran across a list from Jenna Avery on how one gives one’s power away.  What an eye opener!

You give away your power when you …

  • Doubt yourself. Energetically other people sense this and take advantage of it.
  • Try to be nice and polite, and make everyone else happy.
  • Just go along so you don’t make waves, cause trouble, or disrupt the “peace.” Does the phrase “peace at any price” mean anything to you? Are you giving up your own personal inner peace to create the illusion of peace with others?
  • Over-empower others by looking for approval and validation from them, instead of getting it from yourself. This gives other people the power to hurt you.
  • Forget that you do know what you’re doing, and you are good at it.
  • Have poor boundaries.
  • Get energetically “mixed up” with other people by not staying in your own energy. Or, you let other people take over your energetic space by leaving your body or by pulling back.
  • Allow yourself to be intimidated by bluster, bragging, or emotional assaults from other people.
  • Don’t say what’s true for you and then honor it. You can do this without being confrontational.
  • Energetically and emotionally buy into other people’s dramas, emergencies, and aspersions.
  • Allow other people to run your life, or try to run other people’s lives.

Bullseye!  That has been me so much of the time.  It was not easy to read or to realize how much that described me, but it was a real eye opener.  It has taken time for it to simmer on the back burner and really see how I have allowed this to happen.  But I didn’t sit and beat myself up for not being aware of it before, normal SOP for a long time.  I have been able to see  a bit more objectively how it has happened and I now know I am not responsible for the whole world or making sure every one is happy.  I care, but not so much. (Thank you Ike Pono)  My biggest way of giving away my power has been looking for validation and approval from external sources.  Especially one in particular and it has been such a sore spot for so long.  But now I see that there is a gift in that – I finally realized that it has to come from within me, not from outside.  If it is from outside, when that source is no longer there, I have to find a new source.  When it comes from within me, it is always there and I love, accept, approve and trust myself.

Jenna has also given a list of ways to begin to take back your power:

  • Remember to breathe! Focus your breath into your solar plexus and third chakra, which is your personal power chakra.
  • Practice staying in your own energy, your own body, and your own skin.
  • Learn energy skills to strengthen your energetic and interpersonal boundaries.
  • See yourself as a whole, resourceful, and spiritual being, with your own best answers.When you choose to focus from the inside out in this way, you’ll be less susceptible to outside influence.
  • Learn to say “No” and mean it. This means being firm — and not just with the tough people, but with everyone. Your personal power must become your habit, not a reaction, afterthought, or counterattack.
  • Use your anger wisely — anger is the energy of personal power — and stand up for yourself.
  • Stand on the courage of your convictions. Believe in yourself no matter what anyone else does or says, or how they behave.
  • Ask for what you need and want. Give yourself what you need and want.
  • Similarly, don’t burden others with the task of validating you. Use your own yardstick to measure your successes. Look to your higher self for validation and approval.
  • Own this truth: Other people have their own path and you are not responsible for them. You might even be doing them a disservice by not acknowledging this.
  • Claim your rights and place in the world. You do have the right be treated respectfully by other people.
  • Be detached and practice detachment by observing other people’s behavior without attachment. Think to yourself: “Isn’t that interesting? I wonder what that’s about?” Remember that another person’s behavior has almost nothing to do with you.

Thank You Jenna Avery!  I have come a long way, still have a long way to go – a journey and a work in progress.

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Right or Happy?

May 21, 2010

It’s been a Dr. Phil  moment – he always asks “Do you want to be right or happy?”.  I have just realized that I have wanted to be right , but unfortunately I didn’t realize that was what I was looking for in this context.  I see now that I have wanted this person to acknowledge what was said and done, that it validates my assertion it actually happened.  Only that person won’t even acknowledge anything was said or done, has no idea what I am talking about – then the kicker, I am just imagining it.  Well, that phrase actually is the validation, the acknowledgement!  Now that I look back, I wonder why it has been so important for that acknowledgement, maybe because that would mean there is now awareness and the situation will change and improve.  Hello Self?  Ain’t happening and now I see it is part of ego running things – she loves all that negative, victim stuff – not boarding that bus again!  Well, at least not consciously.  But it tells me a lot more about what is going on inside me, always a gift even when it is a bit uncomfortable.

Too much of my life has been looking for validation from other people, rather than the real place it comes from – inside myself.  After over six decades – Yikes!  Has it been that long? – I am finally beginning to understand it was right here inside me all along.  The problem seems to be not trusting myself, not being sure of much of anything  and looking outside for answers.  I didn’t trust myself to know what my passions are, what my purpose is and all the important things.  I have been too hung up on fitting in to belong, figuring out what career path in a sea of choices where nothing stands out.  So much of it has been fear of making the wrong choice and being stuck with it for the rest of my life.  Yet, as I look back, I have changed locations, interests, etc., the only thing I feel stuck with all this time is RA.  Now that I didn’t feel I chose, yet, as I have been working through things – yep, I did choose it.  I can now see  my thoughts and perceptions have helped create it – I am working on understanding what those thoughts were and what triggered them.  So much was insecurity and fear about who I am and what my purpose is for this life.  Is RA a validation of some kind – first thought is validation for ego that I am a victim.  I don’t think so!

In the book “Busting Loose From The Money Game”, he talks about we have all written the script to our life and we can change it any time.  I pictured the hollowdeck in “Star Trek” – I always thought that was cool!  It’s a bit unsettling to realize I wrote this script, so much easier to think myself a victim of circumstances.  If I think I am right that I am a victim, I don’t have to take responsibility.  Another Dr. Phil moment – “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”.  What I found most interesting in the book is the author wants us to stop and appreciate what is written, give yourself credit for doing such a detailed and well written script before you write a new one.  That is a whole lot better than beating myself up for doing such a lousy job, etc.

So it is time for me to let go of wanting to be right, to insist that someone who has said or done something to me must acknowledge it so I was right to be hurt and upset, that I am the good one.  Unfortunately it doesn’t make me happy to be the good one, though ego revels in it.  I am working on knowing who I am, my own worth and loving, accepting, approving and trusting myself.  The Law of Allowing means dropping all judgments and all emotional attachments to what others are, have, say or do.  That is where the rub is, I am emotionally attached to it and didn’t realize it.  Eckhart Tolle says that things have meaning only when we put meaning or value on them.  That’s going to take some work to  “know that I know” that and be able to let pass by me.  Though it is important to let someone know when what they say crosses my boundaries.  Then I have to decide if it has value or not – that’s my decision.

Is it just me?

May 4, 2010

This seems to be a real wagon train period, the trail has been full of potholes, the wheel broke and the trail isn’t very clear, only a couple of miles a day.  Now I promised I wouldn’t whinge and I won’t.  It is simply that I don’t have all the answers or have it made – I too have those times when it doesn’t seem there is any progress or difference and it can be discouraging.  I would love to have a good cry and get it all out, at the moment that isn’t an option.  But what I have learned is that writing it out often clears it all out and then I can feel the sun come out again.

There is a good chance that ego is creeping in to take over again – she is furious that I have finally begun to understand she is the false self, not the real me.  Eckert Tolle says that just by observing what is happening, ego begins to lose her power.  At  a low point, it can feel as if she is fully in control and I don’t have the energy to notice, much less work on finding the gratitude and positive aspects of my life at that moment.  There is another part where he writes about a woman who came to him and was so depressed and despondent, she poured out all her woes to him and he listened, free of judgement.  Then he told her something that has stuck in mind my and I have used it many times.  As I am writing this paragraph, that’s what I needed to remember very early this morning when I was uncomfortable and having trouble sleeping.

When the woman had come to the end of her story, he said: “At this moment, this is how you feel.  There is nothing you can do about the fact that at this moment this is how you feel.  Now, instead of wanting this moment to be different from the way it is, which adds more pain to the pain that is already there, is it possible for you to completely accept this is what you feel right now?”  The woman said she wouldn’t accept it.  He then told her: “I am not asking you to do anything.  All I am asking is that you find out whether it is possible for for you to allow those feelings to be there.  In other words, if you don’t mind being unhappy, what happens to the unhappiness?”.  After a few minutes she realized that although she was still unhappy, there was a space around it.  It seemed to matter less.

I have remembered that and thought, can I just accept this is how I feel at the moment, without wanting it to be different?  It is a different way to see it and although I haven’t gotten to the point of accepting it wholeheartedly yet, I know I feel better shortly after that.  That’s what I forgot to do last night in my discomfort and feeling discouraged.  That definitely opened the door for ego to creep in and try to take over control again.  Sometimes it is only a matter of being willing to accept it – being willing makes a big difference.  Maybe later the trail will be more defined and the ruts and mud holes are gone for a bit.  Those mountains are bound to look closer soon.


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