Posts Tagged ‘Universe’

Update

October 29, 2017

This week was to be the last week for my radio show. I have kept my station manager appraised of what has been happening. I thought I had some sponsors, but they fell through. I do have 2 sponsors but they are not enough to keep the show going. However, my station manager offered me a deal for the last two months so I can finish out the year. The two sponsors would really help with that, so I am going to accept his offer. I have spent the last few weeks working on sponsors, but since things haven’t come together, I have been thinking the Universe has been telling me something – maybe I am not meant to do the show at this point. I decided I had to be truly willing to let it go. This is my baby and I have been a puddle about it – in private – and I need to let it go. Who knows, the Cavalry may come to the rescue at the last minute. I am going to celebrate rather than be sad and mournful about it. I have gained so much and had a lot of fun doing the show – I am blessed to be able to do it for a second time. The station survey will be finish on the 31st of October – I am very curious to see if anyone noticed my show and what they might say. I will take each show and enjoy it, then a new year and new things to create. This show has me working on a book – plus suddenly I have another idea for a book – it needs to simmer on the back burner. Whatever happens at the end of the year, I will be forever grateful and happy about my show. I hope I have been of help to others, it is up to Spirit. I have decided that if I have helped someone quite a lot, I will never know but that is quite all right.  I have been helped a lot myself and appreciate everyone I have been working with and all those out there listening.

What has surprised me is to find I am working on a book based on the things I have been talking about on my show.  Also I have been doing doing 30 day course – except I am halfway through and it has been several months since I started.  It has really made me think and examine things, often I have had to let it simmer on the back burner until it made sense.  That is also part of where the book has come as well.   It is the first time I have had a clear idea what I want to put in the book, how it needs to be organized and there are times I have all kinds of ideas when we turn off the light to go to sleep.  There are many days I can’t wait to get to it and start writing.

I have sent bits of it to a few people and have received wonderful feedback.  So I will be working on the book after the show and what really surprised me is an idea for another book.  That will also simmer on the back burner until it is ready.  Not sure how all this will work or what will happen – I see it as an adventure and will follow it where it leads.

I know I haven’t written much for a while – I don’t think any one wants to hear me whinge about what hurts, what I have been dealing with – just know I am doing better and it is feels so good to be more myself.  (I know, someone will ask “Who have you been?’).  The answer – I don’t have a clue.  Lately I have a new ulcer on my right leg, however they have not wrapped me up much.  I tried putting Cling Film all around it to see if I could take a shower.  It was okay but I am tired of spit baths and I wanted to feel clean and fresh.  I can only do that when it is time to change the bandage.  I will be back at Wound Care on Wednesday.

Next month Eddie is having his first cataract surgery – it is time because he is really noticing it.   They are doing the left eye then 2 weeks later, the right eye.  He wants to do it before the end of the year, there is no telling what will change with Medicare and Medicare Supplement.  I have one developing but so far it is not getting worse.  I also have the beginning of Macular Degeneration – I have been taking Preservision to keep it from progressing.  Getting older certainly isn’t for sissies!

We’re planning to be home for the holidays.  Eddie is having his first surgery two days before Thanksgiving.  We had already decided to be home for that holiday and we will also not be going anywhere for Christmas.  We have definitely become homebodies.

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Life Lesson

July 4, 2014

It’s the 4th of July today – we knew it was coming because there have been firecrackers going off for a week.  Strangely enough, it’s quiet at the moment – 2:15 p.m. – but I expect it will get livelier as the day goes on and it begins to be dark.  So we are in for a noisy evening and night.  We can look in all four directions and people have fireworks going off – sometimes it is hard to decide which way to turn.  The other unusual part of the day is that we have had sun and good weather quite often – we tend to say summer doesn’t start here until July 5th.

Eddie took the day off and went with me to visit Mom.  I wasn’t sure if he would because he finds it very difficult to be with her, he can’t really carry on a conversation with her.  She has been having trouble with her knee, so she has been in the wheelchair – but Judy has her use the walker to go into the tv room.  Today she was sitting in the chair, her walker near her.  So she must be doing better.  She is always ready for chocolate and cookies, I had 2 different kinds of chocolate this time.  As we were walking over from the church parking lot, Eddie said he didn’t want to stay very long.

We were there about half an hour and Judy was outside on the phone, so I couldn’t tell her we were leaving.  I went around the back door but she wasn’t outside, she was just inside the door.  She was concerned about me because we hadn’t stayed long – I told her it is hard for Eddie to see her that way.  She is so understanding and kind to me, it started my tears gathering in my eyes.  And the nicer she is to me, the more I cry.  It hit me and I was feeling upset.  I went back to the car and decided I would just feel the feeling, feel the sensations.

I can’t really describe how I was feeling,  upset is the best I can do.  So I just decided this is what I am feeling in this moment, not judging it good or bad, or criticizing or beating myself up about it.  I decided to speak my truth, though mostly it was inside me rather than telling Eddie.  It was uncomfortable to feel like that, but that was how I felt.  I felt tears spilling down my cheeks and I let them fall.  I thought about the gift in it, at that moment I didn’t see any gift.  I called on Mother/Father God, my angels, archangels, master teachers, ascended masters, spirit guides, over lighting divas and all who were there for my highest good to help and guide me to see the gift.

As I was working through it, I realized the gift was I felt my feelings and the sensations without judgment or beating myself up – just allowed them to be what they were in that moment.  Usually I will do something or go somewhere so I don’t have to feel or think about what I am feeling – not always the best idea.  It feels as if it is another step to awareness – they aren’t always comfortable or enjoyable steps, but they are necessary.

I told Judy I have had several people tell me that I will be grateful I did this for Mom – she said that was so very true.  Right now it is a bit difficult for me to see this because often I want to run away and not have to deal with it.  I also know I couldn’t live with myself if I did – I keep thinking how she has always been there for me and my sisters and it is my turn to do it for her.  I never want her to feel she has been abandoned.  I spoke to an intuitive a few weeks back and she told me my Dad’s Spirit is still here, waiting until Mom finishes what she needs to complete.  She said he is very proud of me.

It’s better now, though there is a heaviness and some draggy feelings.  The gift comes in unexpected ways, or is itself different from what I thought it would be.  Sometimes I expect things to show up in a certain way or form, when it doesn’t, I am disappointed.  I have a much easier time now just giving it to God and saying “However shows up, whatever works for me”.  I have finally learned that when I  say it has to be a certain way, I limit the Universe and miss out on all kinds of possibilities.

I also have some things to resolve with Mom, I plan to have a reading with the intuitive to see what is left unfinished.

Too Beat To Rant

May 15, 2014

I have put this in the Emotions Category, though I’m not sure I have that much energy to rant and race about dealing with Mom.  I went to see her 4 times in the last week – last Tuesday, Friday, Sunday with Eddie for Mother’s Day and yesterday.  She has a couple of meds for depression as well as to help her sleep at night.  As a result, she is  kind of sleepy a lot of the time.  When I read or bring my iPad, she tends to doze, sometimes goes to sleep.  I also notice there are times when I see her, she isn’t  willing to really have a hug.  Other times she is very glad to see me and enjoys a back rub.  Yesterday She looked at me and so I said “I am your daughter Elizabeth”.  She  then knew who I was and was happy to have me there.

It’s so hard sometimes to visit her – at times I would rather not go at all – but I never want her to think I have abandoned her.  I see this woman in the adult family home and she resembles my Mom, but she is so different.  The Mom I knew is barely there.  As this process has progressed, it seems as I grow stronger, she diminishes.  I can’t fathom what it is like for her inside, especially since every person is different.  I was at the caregivers support group on Monday and I am glad I have that to help me deal with this whole dementia thing.

I am in the process of writing 2 books simultaneously – based on the blog posts I have written about RA and dementia. Before I did any post on dementia, I had done some writing (ranting) about what was going on and how frustrated, angry and  upset I was about the situation.  I never published them on the blog and as I read them while working on the book, I was amazed at the energy and emotion I had then.  (There’s a good reason I didn’t publish them – no whinge zone).

Things are very different now.  I don’t really have the need to rant, but maybe I need to just pour out my emotions about the current situation and cry if necessary.  I don’t seem to have the energy  to be worked up any more, it is more a sadness than frustration.  Some of it may be that I have a lot of my own things – physical – that I need to clean out; I also have stuff in my head that is no longer valid and that also needs to be cleared out.

If you aren’t into woo woo, goofball and hocus pocus, you may want to quit reading.

I talked to an intuitive a couple of weeks ago about what is holding me back from selling the furniture.  She told me I have a lot of Spirits around.  She saw 2 older women baking bread, a little boy who took her and showed her the puppies and there are cats and all kinds of spirits.  She also saw my Dad – he is here waiting for mom to finish what she needs to do here.  He loves her so much – I remember many times he would say “Your mother is the most wonderful woman in the world”.  He is pleased with me and loves me – he wanted to know if it was all right that he is here.  I said “Absolutely, I’m delighted to have him here”!

She suggested I call Paul and Jude at Whispering Dragon to have them clear them out.  I had heard about them before and wondered if it would a good idea to have them come.  The next item on my list.

I wonder if part of the fatigue is bumping into all the spirits here along with RA and dealing with Mom.  I also know if I keep thinking and saying out loud about being tired, the Universe sends whatever I focus on.  Instead, I need to create more  positive thoughts and words to change to positive – I am the only one who can do it.  I like Louise Hay’s quote “It’s only a thought, and a thought can be changed”.

 

 


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