Posts Tagged ‘Fear’

I Am A 30 Percenter !!!!!!!

February 24, 2014

Two years ago today – Feb 24th – I fell and broke my hip.  I had surgery to have a screw and plate put on – it was lower enough I didn’t need a hip replacement.  After about 4 days, I was sent to rehab for at least 6 – 8 weeks to heal and learn how to walk again.  I went into rehab feet first and came out on my own 2 feet with the help of a wheely walker.  After another 4 weeks of outpatient therapy, I left there with a cane.  After a  few weeks I was walking all by myself, though I took the cane to places I hadn’t been to before or if there were a lot of people around.

This is what they did for my hip, kind of explains why I spent 8 weeks in rehab.


Right Hip Fracture and Emergency Surgical Repair

The next time I saw my rheumatologist, she told me something interesting – 70& of people who break a bone will break another one within 2 years.  I thought to myself, I am going to be in the 30% group and now By George, I am!  Recently a friend asked why anyone, especially a doctor, would say such a thing to a patient.  Maybe it wasn’t the wisest choice of words, but I have concentrated o being in the 30% since then.  How true the whole thing is can be anyone’s guess.

I am also happy to report I haven’t fallen during those 2 years, though I did stumble against the shower door in the middle of the night.  I hit my upper arm on the glass door rail for the bathmat.  Not a very comfortable thing to do, but I didn’t fall.  The next morning I saw this huge purple bruise forming, that sucker hurt!  As I looked in the mirror not too long after, I thought “This must be what it is like to have a large tattoo” – only mine would fade and soon be gone.  Don’t think I will have a tattoo;  that’s voluntary pain and then what happens when I don’t like it any more.  More voluntary pain to remove it.

For the last two years I haven’t really thought about the 70% or the 30%, every once in a while it comes up and I choose the 30% every time.  I decided dwelling on it and being afraid of falling would be a self-fulfilling prophecy; I would rather think in terms of being the 30%.

I was also wondering if I would mark the 2nd year as the day I broke my hip; but that seemed un productive.  I didn’t “celebrate” having RA for 43 years in November, it was just a measure of time.  I see this in the same way, though no one gave me percentages with RA.  Let’s just say I have reached my goal of 2 years without a “break”.  Whether the whole things is true or not, it is now something in the past.

One interesting thing, I was sure I would set off the security scan when we left for Toronto, so I told them I would probably set it off.  So they took me to a full scan and I was done.  What surprised me was that coming through security in Toronto on our way home, nothing happened.  However, Eddie was chosen for a random scan, so he had a little more to deal with than I did.  Do you suppose they used a plastic screw and plate in my hip instead of metal?  It has me wondering.

Time to work on my next goal – not sure what it is yet, but I will be concentrating on that rather than what has happened in the past.

The Good Girl

February 12, 2012

I was brought up to be a good girl – follow the rules, be polite and let others go first, ask for permission to do something, be self-effacing because being confident and saying positive things about myself was boasting and bragging.  There is a big long list, you get the drift.  I am not saying this was all bad, just that some parts I have carried over my whole life without realizing they aren’t necessarily to my advantage any more.  The three of us girls had rules and they were always reinforced when necessary.  As a kid, that was good thing because we tested the limits to make sure they still held – it gave us security and stability.  As an adult, I hear Dr. Phil in my head – “How’s that working for you?”.  I look back at my life over 60+ years and I realized I have spent my life asking for permission to do things, to be sure what I want to do it “all right”.  That one hasn’t been working so well for as an adult because I realize I haven’t had confidence in myself  or trusted my instincts.  Asking for permission seemed to work for our parents for the two of older daughters – my younger sister would announce “I have done. . . . “.  Where did that come from and how did I miss that one?  Then again, spanking worked for the first two but not the third daughter, our parents had to find other ways with her.

So why didn’t I trust myself?  It was all that micromanaging and second guessing from our Mom.  She was doing it to protect us and would be horrified if she realized the results for our adult lives.  I am not sure what in her upbringing and childhood gave her such a fearful outlook about the world – we were taught that the world is a scary place, so make sure to be safe and secure before venturing out.  News Flash!  That is not always possible!  How does one take risks in life, explore the world and still be safe and secure?  I’m still looking for the answer to that one.  It meant that when I had that “I know that I know” about something, I still was hesitant to act – I had to clear it with someone to validate what I knew in my heart.  I have been afraid I would “get it wrong”.  It took me a long time to realize that was one way I gave away my power, now at 65 I am taking it back – it’s feels scary at times and I still doubt myself. I finally understand those seeds of doubt come from ego and she wants me scared and in the negative because then she is fully in control.  I am learning to say “Thank you for sharing, I choose something different”. I know she is trying to protect me (us), I just don’t want to live in fear any more.  I also know I can know something and still be talked into a different course that I know isn’t right for me – this listening and trusting my intuition is still new and I am working on going with my heart center even though it is scary and I am a little unsure.

I also know I want everyone to like me, then I know I am accepted.  I haven’t felt that way in very many situations – Ike Pono was one place where I was loved, accepted and supported in a non-judgmental community.  Boy, did that feel good – I felt so at home there.  I learned so much there and also contributed to it as well; we were all learning, no one “had it made”.  I was sorry when it ended, I want to find another community that has that same feeling of support and help where I can truly be myself.  I will admit it was uncomfortable at times, but so worth it.  As I have worked through things since then and especially with Debye and the deep tissue massage to unearth and resolve things bury way down since childhood, it can be uncomfortable too.   The difference now is that I am not beating myself up any more for what I have thought about myself all these years; it is making sense at last and helping me to become the person I have truly been all this time.  I not saying everyone needs to do it to resolve things, only that it has been one of the ways I have found that works for me.  It is more a matter of being willing to look at those uncomfortable things in life and find ways to come to terms with them.  I am only an expert about my own life.

I have realized all this insecurity has been a factor in having RA.  Louise Hay writes in her book “You Can Heal Your Life”  about the causes of different conditions.  For RA she wrote:  Deep criticism of authority.  Feeling put upon.  For arthritis it is:  Feeling unloved, Criticism, resentment.  Hmmmm.  Sounds a little too close to home for comfort.  Louise writes that when we love ourselves truly and completely, so many things disappear.  I haven’t loved myself, I’ve always felt there was something wrong with me, something unacceptable, that I was unlovable.  Still not sure exactly how that became my self view; what’s important is that I have begun to change that perception to one of love.  I have done a lot of work, still more to do but I am so encouraged I am willing to deal with the uncomfortable stuff.

Am I hiding?

March 3, 2011

Last week my husband and I were in the bookstore having coffee.  Later he saw a book he wanted and asked me if I wanted a book too.   Of course I want a book!  I looked around but I keep coming back to one book when I am there and I decided there must be a message in this.  The book is Byron Katie’s “Who Would You Be Without Your Story?”.  I have looked through it several times and one of the things I noticed is how she takes a statement and is able to get down to the core of the situation.

If that weren’t enough, in the last Ike Pono weekend, I was asked “Why are you still holding on to RA?”.  A very uncomfortable moment but I realized it was more true than I was willing to admit to myself.  So the Universe is talking to me , it just seems that the subtle hints and messages weren’t getting through, so it was time for more direct communication.  So now I have to ask myself why am I still holding on, but also ask who would I be without it?

The “Who Would I be” question is easier to answer now – I would be energetic, able, light, pain free, more focused on what I want to do, more enthusiasm, do things with my husband.   So now the question “Why do I hold on to RA?”.  I know the answer is fear, though not quite sure the exact fear.  I realize having RA is familiar – though very uncomfortable and expensive – so not having it and stepping out into the world and taking a risk is scary.  I know I tell myself (and others) I have a limited amount of energy, limited physically and can’t do things the way other people do who don’t have RA.  It is a good excuse not to do things that are scary or I am unsure about, plus it means if I don’t do them, I won’t be wrong.  The more I think about it, the more I realize I am afraid that should I be RA free with energy, enthusiasm and vitality, I will get in over my head and not fulfill what I promised and let people down.  It also means I have  to step out and take risks, try new things, learn new skills – the fear is not being able to “get it”.  I don’t want to be back in the 6th grade math class with story problems not understanding and feeling lost, scared and clueless.  I do promotional marketing and because there is such a wide range of areas to focus on, I don’t know what to choose.  Essentially I am afraid to choose and find I made a wrong decision – more of that fear of being wrong.  I think that  comes from high school and being told to choose a career to prepare for college.  The unsaid intent was that whatever I choose will be for the rest of my life.  I was afraid of choosing the wrong career and then being stuck with it for the rest of my life.  No one told me that people change careers several times in a lifetime, that the choice isn’t necessarily permanent unless you want it to be.

It is not easy to write this because it is hard to admit and acknowledge how much of what is going on has been my choice.  I realize I have been hiding behind RA for a long time because I have been afraid of the world – the silent message as I was growing up was the world is a scary place.  Be sure you are safe and secure before stepping out.  I have not felt safe and secure, nor does hiding make it any better.  I have realized I don’t like to compete and with RA, people don’t really expect much from me – I have made sure of that by telling them fairly quickly I have RA.  Then when I outperform their expectations, then they are amazed and think I am amazing.  Unfortunately, I sometimes feel a bit of a fraud – I have early childhood training about speaking the truth no matter what.  Now I am grateful for the gift of integrity my parents gave all three of us, it has just taken almost 60 years to realize it.  Sometimes I would love to cut corners, it would make things easier, but that training kicks in and I can’t cut corners.

I am also grateful for the man I married almost 42 years ago.  We had been married about a year and half when I was diagnosed with RA and he has been with me through it all.  He could have said “I’m done” and walked away, but I married a wonderful man of integrity and love.  He has put up with a lot of stuff, invested in pharmaceuticals that don’t pay dividends because they went inside me and watched me in pain a lot of time.  He has done so much to help me and be there for me – he still loves me after all that stuff.  I will admit not appreciating him as much as he deserves and I told him recently that I had to apologize to him, that I truly appreciate him and all he has done, especially the last few years with my Mom.

All this prompts me to start looking objectively at how I see myself –  it been a very negative view and I now choose to see myself in the most positive light and truly begin to love myself.

What Am I Thinking?

July 17, 2010

I was listening to Conscious Talk radio on my way to an appointment and heard the last bit of Krysta Gibson of New Spiritual Journal.  I know her through my networking at the Holistic Chamber of Commerce and Good Company lunches and enjoy what she writes.  That morning she was talking about  Life as a journey , to enjoy the ride and look out the window at everything around you.  It isn’t a big struggle to attain an monumental goal using all your energy and might, then there is nothing left to work towards.  Those goals are stops on the way.  (My apologies Krysta of I have misquoted you.)  That’s what I heard and it made me realize I haven’t been enjoying the ride or looking out the window at all the cool things of my life.  Instead I have been always looking at  the future, when I have less pain, when I am flexible, when I have more energy, etc.  Not a comfortable thought because I may have missed opportunities for myself and also to help others.  Too focused on me, but on the negatives – just as Ego loves it.  When I had my 60th birthday three years ago, I decided I wanted the last third of my life to be very different – filled with joy, fun, love and adventure.  I have done many self development things and certainly Ike Pono has really made a difference – it keeps on helping me to have the life I decided I wanted on my birthday.  The difficulty is I am still operating on a lot of the old mindsets, somebody else’s training and fears.  I came across something this morning that  was a slap upside the head, a very vivid reminder about what I have been thinking a feeling so much of my life.  The good news was, there was also the way to change that mindset into a positive thought pattern.  Now I would love to tell you I thought it up all by myself, but I didn’t.  I have to thank Brian Vaszily of The Intense Experiences for this  – he called it a mediation.

Success Manifesto

Life is how I am.
If I keep struggling to get more, my life will be a struggle filled with lack.

I have all I need, I am grateful, and anything more is just more of a gift.

Success Manifesto

If I hold anger in, anger will increasingly weigh my life down.

I accept that anger happens, but I always release it and so I fly.
If I keep telling myself I am a survivor, I will then merely survive.

I am born to thrive in my life, and so in all I do I accept that I will thrive.

If I let guilt control me, I will never live the happy life that is mine.
I consider what matters carefully, then act upon only one voice: my own.

If I keep repeating that there is never enough time, time will always run out.
I have been given all the time I need in life; it is up to me to use it wisely.
If I worry about what might go wrong in my life, the worry itself will shrivel me.

I am honest, able and complete; with that I meet the challenges that do come.
If I see certain steps I take as failing, I will hesitate to move forward.

All movement is forward movement in my life, and so I keep moving.
If I give in to my fears, my life will be a fearful place.

I move through fears that would block me from me, and so I live free.

If I keep longing for luck, my life will seem unlucky to me.

I am here, I can choose to do, and that is all the luck I need.

Life is not something that happens to me.

Life is how I am.

Thank You Brian, I needed to hear that and I realize it is something I can read every day to keep myself in balance and who knows, learn to enjoy the ride of this life as I look out the window.

And so shall it be.

Fear of Falling

July 3, 2010

One of my biggest fears is falling because I can not get up by myself.  If there are stairs going down, I can wiggle my butt on the floor over to the stairs and put my feet down the stairs to stand upright.  Not a pretty picture, but effective.   Last Sunday morning I took my shower and when I was stepping out of the tub, I fell backwards, hitting my head and back on the tiles, and landing on my tush with feet over the edge.  It happened so fast,  one second I was up, the next I was down  This definitely was a huge dilemma because I had no idea how I would get out and upright again.  My husband  and I tried several things, but unfortunately I am a very substantial woman.  We tried several things that weren’t working, so I sat for a couple of minutes and asked God to help me find a way out.  I finally was able to painfully rest on my right knee with a towel under it and straddle the edge, then pull myself up with the grab bar above me.    When I was done, I could see bruises on my breasts beginning to form.  Later they were quite technicolor.

And yet, the fall was a gift.  I was surprised to find myself thinking that way.  What I realized was how well my husband and I worked it out together calmly, neither of us was upset or panicky.  I also thank him and told him how much I appreciated his calm and help – plus I wasn’t crying and really upset.  I took some Rescue Remedy, which is a big help in upsets and I was able to go and do the  staffing for Ike Pono that day.  I was also doing well the next day – seems the 2nd day is when I begin to feel it.  Since then, it has been quite uncomfortable and I haven’t slept comfortably for awhile.  I have also not been able to use the computer much, so I wasn’t able to write about it until today.  I have had so many thoughts this week and frustrated not to be able to write them out – seems to help me a lot to express things on paper.

I think about the other times I have fallen, sometimes I was alone and other times there were people there who literally picked me up.  I remember one morning I was going early to a networking group and I fell on the drive.  I was alone and my first thought was “How am I going to get up from here?”.  I inched my way on the ground to the car where I had left the driver’s door open as I went to put the garage door down.  I stepped wrong and if I had fallen just a couple of degrees more to the left, I would have hit the hood of the car.  Instead I went face first in to the dirt.  I was able to pull myself up by the steering wheel and then rest my tush on the bottom of the door, then pull myself into the seat with the hand hold above the door.  Needless to say, I didn’t go anywhere that morning and acquired my first black eye.  Certainly didn’t help my glasses and I finally had to have them adjusted back to normal at the optometrist.  The second time I landed on my face – in a store – I ended up with a matched set of black eyes.

Each time I have fallen, I have managed to get back up – yet I still fear falling because I don’t know how I will get up.  maybe that is the Universe telling me I am creating my worst fear, plus I have been able to get back up each time.  Obviously my focus is on the negative, so what I focus on increases.  So much of it comes from early training and it has been hard to sort out the truth after so many years of negativity.  I have been focusing so much on what isn’t working, what parts hurt and don’t have range of motion any more.  The old “looking at what I can’t do rather than all the things I can do”.  In my work I use the computer a lot and I get frustrated when my shoulders and back hurt after long periods researching and creating quotes on the computer.  Then I pay for it with being uncomfortable afterwards and pain in the middle of night that keeps me from sleeping.  I have to acknowledge I don’t take frequent breaks, walk outside in the fresh air and probably don’t use my time efficiently.  I tend to get caught up in it and often explore other off shoots that don’t actually pertain to what I am doing.  If I am willing to see the truth about myself and my circumstances, it means I have to be willing to see where I am doing it to myself as well as what circumstances are part of it.

So what have I learned from all this?  So far I have been able to pick myself up after falling – sometimes by myself, other times with the help of other people.  That people are willing to help if I am willing to let them – sometimes there is a lot of  feeling “I need to do as much as I can myself so I don’t feel or become helpless”.  I can accept help without becoming helpless and that people are ready to help.  I remember once someone saying to me that “you are so damn independent”.  Just goes to show that what I am feeling on the inside doesn’t always show on the outside.  I have also been learning the gifts come in different forms and not always the way I might expect.  There is certainly something to focusing on the gift in something rather than seeing it as a mistake, bad judgement or being clumsy.  This time I saw the gift in the fall and although the result is uncomfortable, I see my other half in a different light and let him know I love, appreciate, trust and respect him. It has made a difference in our relationship and that is a true gift.


June 13, 2010

Last weekend was the 3rd one of Ike Pono and I am still processing it – I’m still processing the first two as well.  Although there wasn’t a huge “Aha” moment, I’m noticing small ones when I least expect it.  Plus, every once in a while,  there’s a “Huh?” moment.  Sunday evening as we were getting ready to leave at the close, they were talking about another session being planned for 5 days in Hawaii – boy, that would be cool!  Someone suggested being able to swim the warm ocean but I said I prefer sides to my water.  He had a puzzled look on his face, so I explained I am afraid of the water.  I learned to swim with a dignified dog paddle that gets me from one end of the pool to the other, but I am still afraid of the water.  He asked about it and I told him when I was about 5 or 6 living in  Manhattan Beach, CA, I was sucked under by a wave.  “And you never mentioned this near death experience during the weekends?”.  Yikes!  Near Death Experience?  I never thought of it in those terms.  I just remember my older sister and I went down to the beach with a neighbor without permission.  I was playing at the very edge with the little waves and the next thing I knew, I was in the water, all wet and water in my mouth.  I don’t think we ever told Mom what happened.  As far as I know, that is why I am afraid of the water.  Even now, when I swim, the face never goes near the water and I always wear my glasses.  Now I wonder if that is why I have been so afraid of life, of taking risks because if I do, I get my nose clipped – especially if I haven’t asked permission.  Our parents brought us up to be sure we are safe and secure before venturing out – not conducive to stepping out and taking risks.  Maybe that is why I look for approval and permission before doing something – I haven’t been trusting my intuition and inner voice.  My younger sister was different from my older sister and me – she would announce “I have done such and such”.  Where did that come from?  Maybe there has never been anything I wanted so much it didn’t matter what anyone said.

As I look back, I have always been afraid of the world – it’s a scary place and I am not safe.  I know now Mom was only protecting us because she loves us, but it used to bug me no end when she would say things like “Don’t fall down the bank”, Don’t burn yourself”, “Don’t trip on the branch”, etc.  As if I was going to fall and hurt myself on purpose!  I didn’t see the message of love, I just heard ” You’re not smart enough to know not to do things so I am going to constantly tell you”.  Even at 63 I still hear it from her – she is in permanent “Mom mode”.   She is on autopilot, so she says it to my husband and my two sisters as well.  I am finally realizing to be grateful she and my Dad loved us so much and wanted the best for us – unfortunately young ears don’t hear the same message they sent out to us.  I had to be this age to finally understand.  2 years ago when my older sister was visiting for Mom’s birthday, she said something that put a whole new spin on how we were raised.  She said “Mom and Dad gave us a very valuable gift – integrity!”.   When I looked at from that angle, I  knew what she meant.  I can not be anything but truthful, no matter how much I would like to at times.  There are times when I want to cut corners, but something in me won’t allow it, no matter how much easier it would be.   The best definition of integrity I know is – doing what is right whether anyone is watching or not.

I am much more inclined now to consult the medical intuitive – it has been a very uncomfortable weekend and I need to know what is at the bottom of all this.   Normally I would beat myself thinking how dumb and stupid for creating this – now it is with love and compassion I see it and want to know what was going on in my head.  I know ego was in charge, she has been for most of my life until I finally figured out she is my false self who loves drama, victimhood and fear – the more the better.  I realize it may have been my way of hiding from not finding work I am passionate about or a good reason not to venture out into the world, maybe fear of being wrong, not being good enough, not worthy,  doing something and either failing or not succeeding or just looking stupid.  I think fear is the base of it and maybe that ocean incident – still trying to get my head around calling it near death – is really what set it in place.  I have a picture of myself when I was about 3 or 4, it was taken in the back yard of the house in Manhattan beach and is one of a series.  All of the pictures, except for this one,  show me being a good girl and smiling for the camera.  This one I have a stance and expression on my face that says “I will do it, but I won’t like it!” – where did that little girl come from and where did she go?  She left the fearful good girl in her place.  I wish I could remember what was going on that day.


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