Archive for April, 2010

A Different View

April 18, 2010

I have spent most of the last 39 years seeing RA as a burden and an obstacle to being a healthy, well-rounded person.  I have been to traditional doctors and used pharmaceuticals because I didn’t really know there was any other option and viewed RA as nothing but negative.  Of course, I wasn’t open to seeing that I had a part in it, so much easier to be a victim and an innocent bystander side swiped by RA for no reason.  A few years ago I began to be more open, more willing to at least think about how I may have contributed to it – still too scary to really examine.  About 5 or 6 years ago I started meeting some people in a networking group who did alternative medicine – the “Woo Woo” stuff.  I tried something with an Overlight Metaphysician – still working on understanding that one – because I had won a free  session.  I wanted to know what was causing RA but also a little afraid of the answer – might mean I wouldn’t be able to see myself as a victim any more.  She was an amazing woman, very understanding of my fears and very gentle with me.  She told me some astounding things , that she saw my guardian angel and also 2 spirit guides.  I had no idea they were there.  She asked me the name of my guardian angel, I hadn’t a clue.  Then she said she saw the letter J – first thought was Julia.  She said Julia was a 14 foot angle; boy, did that blow my mind.  She also told me that by telling people I have RA, then they don’t expect very much from me and then I surprise them by doing a great job.  I do it so I don’t have to compete.  That is quite true, I don’t like to compete because I always have felt too many steps behind everyone else.  She gave me a lot to think about.  I wish it had been recorded because if I listened to it now, I would pick up on a lot that didn’t register at the time.

I have worked with other practitioners of Reiki, Reflexology, energy medicine, singing crystal bowls, Diksha to name a few.  I have been reading books as well, talking to others, subscribing to newsletters and essentially becoming ready to see RA and its origins in a different way.  I came across a book by Misa Hopkins called “The Root of All Healing”.  A really cool book because I feel she is talking directly to me and knows what I am thinking and feeling.  She has had some great blog entries that  really hit me – she puts into words what I am trying to say.  I found Colin Tipping’s “Radical Forgiveness” a completely new way to view forgiveness and a way of seeing situations  as a way to resolve a difficult situation.

One thing I have been starting to understand is that this whole situation and my life  is not just a random thing – there is a pattern and purpose when I finally see and understand it.  For so long the question has always been “Why me?”.  Well, when I have heard people say “Why not me?”, I begin to wonder the same about my situation.  One thing I have learned over the years is that I am helping people a lot more than I realize, it’s just that I don’t always know.  That’s not a bad thing because if I always knew when I was of use to someone, I would never be able to get my head through the door.  Plus, whatever that is working would probably no longer be there.  So often we all are of use to other people when we are unaware – I would always ask God to give me the words, actions, attitude and thoughts when I did a presentation about RA, I would just show up and get out of the way.

I have been reading about surrender, that when I can surrender to RA I will be ore at peace.  I am still working on that because surrender to me means being overwhelmed and trampled.  So I decided to look it up in the dictionary:

verb (used with object)

1.  to yield (something) to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession of on demand or under duress: to surrender the fort to the enemy; to surrender the stolen goods to the police.
2.  to give (oneself) up, as to the police.
3.  to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc.: He surrendered himself to a life of hardship.
4.  to give up, abandon, or relinquish (comfort, hope, etc.).
5.  to yield or resign (an office, privilege, etc.) in favor of another.
Then I found this one in Wikipedia:
To surrender in spirituality and religion means that a believer completely gives up his own will and subjects his thoughts, ideas, and deeds to the will and teachings of a higher power.
I then came across this from Let Go, Let Miracles Happen: The Art of Spiritual Surrender
by Kathy Cordova. Posted by: DailyOM:
The notion of spiritual surrender is quite different. Spiritual surrender is not about defeat; it is about acceptance, joy, and faith. Surrender is about ending the struggle in our lives and beginning our journey on a path more wonderful than we could imagine. As Marianne Williamson says in her book, A Return to Love, “Surrender means the decision to stop fighting the world, and to start loving it instead. It is a gentle libTo relax, to feel the love in yourheart and keep to that as your focus in every situa- tion—that’s the meaning of spiritual surrender.”
She has a great article and helps a little more for me to find my own definition and understanding of surrender.  I keep saying I am a work in progress as I travel on this journey.  I don’t really have a plan or itinerary with this journey – as I look back I don’t see one either.  Maybe when I get closer to the mountains it  will appear.  Yet I think there is some leading by Spirit, God, the Universe – whatever one calls that higher power – and I have been lead to people, places, things and ideas that help me come closer to the knowledge and understanding I seek.  The biggest thing I can see is that I am more open, receptive, willing and less limiting in my view.   Things no longer seem unbelievable; I have spent so much time playing small so others will feel secure, I’m ready to play big.
As I look at this entry, I realize I started out with one idea and it seems to have travelled all over the place.  Usually I write it first and then look it over before adding it to my blog; this time I felt compelled to just start writing  without the usual preliminary draft.  I hope the ramblings are of use to someone, it helps me to sort through what I am trying to understand.

Sentence or Journey?

April 4, 2010

As you know, I have been dealing with RA for 39 years – as I look back over those years, I realize there is a difference from Day 1 to today.  For so long I have felt I was  suddenly sentenced to deal with RA with no hope in sight of an end.  I would look at others dealing with a broken bone, surgery, illness, etc. and think – They have a limited length of time to deal with it, that after certain stages are accomplished it will be finished.  Knowing there is a time limit seemed to be a lot easier to work with than to feel there is no limit.  There didn’t seem to be any hope of a suspended sentence, time off for good behavior or maybe even a pardon.  Not only that, it wasn’t going to kill me, just make my life miserable for years on end.  (I apologize for whingeing when I promised this blog wouldn’t be that way).  Essentially it was a bad, long term case of “oh-poor-me-osis – I am the worst off person in the world, no one has as badly as I do.

I realize now that was Ego, my false self, being in charge and the worse it was the happier she was.  She revels in the negative, the scary, everything with fear.  The worst part was that I thought that was me and I wasn’t happy about that.  People would tell me how positive an attitude I had – I kept thinking, “You have no idea the bitch who lives inside me and whinges all the time”.  I would feel so sorry for myself, why did I have to be drag may ass tired all the time, hurt from head to toe, take all those drugs and be on the business end of a needle.  Why can’t I have energy and flexibility like everyone else and have fun and do what I want, when I want, how I want?  All I could see was what I couldn’t do, couldn’t be.  I realized I was fighting it, that RA and my body were the enemy that I didn’t have any defense against.  I often felt hopeless and helpless, while at other times I felt useless.

I don’t know when I began to think there might be a different way to look at it because there was no big “Aha” moment.  I found different books to read, some people recommended, some I found myself and some I stumbled across in looking for something else.  I read the first volume of “conversations With God” and one line in it kept bugging me because I couldn’t visualize it or clearly understand – “What you resist, persists.”  I read it 2 or 3 times, then went on to Volume 2, then Volume 3 and to a couple of other books he wrote.  I didn’t really understand it, but it was a different way at looking at life, myself and God.

When I started reading Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth”, the business with ego and false self took awhile to understand, even then as now, I still am working on it.  Another book I read was “Radical Forgiveness” by Colin Tipping – his view of things in one’s life was very different from what I had been thinking and feeling.  The idea that people and situations that come up in one’s life  could be a soul contract with another’s soul to resolve the situation, especially an ongoing one.  That is still a little unclear for me but I am now “willing to be willing” to explore it and understand it better rather than dismissing it out of hand.

And of course, Dr. Phil.  As much as I want to ignore some of his questions, I know they are true.  When I am in a situation and certain I am right, his question “How’s that working for you?” comes up and I have to admit it isn’t working.  He also says “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”.  How often have I been so not ready to see what my part is in the situation.  The one that sometimes really gets me is “You teach people how to treat you”.  I would much rather see myself as being put upon, a victim of someone being mean to me rather than acknowledging I am part of the problem.  Ego wants me to keep seeing myself as a victim, it is part of her power and hold over me.  Thanks to Eckhart Tolle, I am now a lot more aware and working on putting her out of business.

I’m not sure at the moment where the idea of a gift in RA came from or when, it has been growing slowly in my mind and doesn’t seem so weird and far fetched any more.  One of the affirmations I have been using is “I am willing to know the truth about myself”.  I have always been scared to know because I was sure it was horrible and ugly.  But as I told my sister this morning, I am beginning to see myself as a nice person.  I am working on loving myself, not in conceit or superiority, but loving, accepting, approving and trusting myself – I want to know who I truly am.

Now I realize I have been on a journey and my life experiences and the people in them were and are there because they can teach me about parts of myself and learn to know myself from the inside.  One thing about getting older is that a lot of the stuff that seemed so important really isn’t.  I am less concerned about what people think and more interested in what is true for me and trusting the Universe takes care of me.


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