Since I wrote the post on stubborn, I have learned a few different ways of looking at it from other angles. My sister Candy sent me this after reading the post:
“Perhaps stubborn could also be strong with the ability to hang in there. That’s the positive flip side and that’s what I have seen you do in the last few years, especially with all you have gone through helping Mom and healing from the hip and making huge changes spiritually. There’s always a flip side to the negative. Julia Cameron has an exercise where you take the negative labels and turn them into their positive opposite. I don’t see you as a victim, but a victor. You are empowering yourself by changing your limited thinking for new ideas and new ways to look at old situations. And that takes a bit of stubbornness and strength to do that in spite of all the doubts and people who do not support you in the changes you are making.”
I heard someone on the radio yesterday illustrate stubborn as not listening to one’s inner self. She was working as a nurse in an Alzheimer’s facility and kept hearing “Go to Evergreen Hospital”. She kept putting it off until she broke her wrist rollerblading. She decided to go just for the heck of it, they hired her as an oncology nurse on the spot and were also willing to wait 6 weeks while her wrist healed. It is knowing something to do that will make a difference but putting it off for every reason that one can think up.
I know I need to clean out my office and not only organize it but also throw things away that no longer serve me. I know I have a pack rat mentality; I come by it honestly from my parents. I realize I keep waiting to have energy to do it, something that is taking a long time to arrive. The practical part of me says I need to just start small and the energy will come. The other part of me keeps saying how tired I am and I just want to sleep. The negative part of me seems to be the louder voice – it takes more practice to listen and pay attention to the positive voice.
I also need to clean out the house, now that my Mom no longer lives here, and make it our home with our furniture, etc. Talk about a daunting task! My husband and I keep saying we will do things after the kitchen is done. But I also realize we have to clear out the kitchen of everything in all the drawers, cabinets and pantry. My positive and negative voices are shouting at each other. Positive says most of it needs to go; the negative side says we might need it later so it is better to keep it. Yes, I know I have to decide which voice to listen to in spite of knowing both sides have some good reasons. I don’t want to expend the energy to reenforce more of the positive voice, though I know the good points of the negative voice.
I keep saying to myself and focusing on how tired I am and how little energy I have at this point. Certainly I know those negative messages keep piling up and definitely keep me feeling tired. It’s looonnnnnng past time to change my thoughts and focus to being ” wide awake, full of energy and ready to go”. I have noticed the sunshine helps lift me to have more positive thoughts and feel energy. Instead of just waiting for the energy to come, I know it is important to make different choices. Yet it feels as if it takes too much energy and effort to start it. So here I sit, knowing it is my choice to do what is required and not really doing anything about it.
The positive of all this is that I may actually be changing my thoughts and focus already, it may just be slower than I want it to be. I tend to want visible, measurable change rather than waiting for the gradual change to be noticeable. I am feeling that way about Orencia – I had my 3rd infusion on Tuesday but there doesn’t seem to be a discernible difference, just bits of well-being occasionally. Is it stubborn or just impatience? Seems this is still a developing process – it will be interesting to see what else shows up to show other kinds of stubborn.
Gift of RA 