Posts Tagged ‘Thought’

Why Do I Have RA?

April 20, 2014

That’s a very good question, one I haven’t quite  understood after 43 years.  I talked to a medical intuitive a while back and she told me it was only my energy; I was hoping there was also someone else’s energy that could be cleared.  So it is all me – wonder what caused me to decide to experience it in this lifetime.

There is a quotation “Things are not done TO you, but FOR you”.  Well, that one takes some pondering – something I have spent a long time doing but not  really reaching any conclusions or answers.  Does that mean it is karma in some form, balancing out something from a past life?  I believe I have had past lives, though so far I haven’t remembered them myself.  Am I supposed to – is it necessary for this time on earth?  Sometime s I feel I have more questions than answers.

Is there something about my life that is overwhelming and I don’t know how to deal with it?Am I reluctant to take responsibility for things?  What things would that be?  Or is it for protection so I don’t have to deal with certain things “because I have RA”?  I realize I look at everything in terms of RA.  I see things I would like to do, but then see the physical obstacles that could prevent me because my joints aren’t always flexible.  I felt that way about riding the Duck, the steps were a little steep and somewhat difficult to navigate, but I went up and then back down.  Sometimes I am afraid to try – in case I fail and can’t actually do it.

Oh my, I can see I set myself up to fail by not giving something a try.  Part of it comes from feeling clumsy and awkward; I would rather not put myself in that position.  I also realize I am limiting myself – that I have put those limitations on myself.  I have felt clumsy and awkward most of my life, I was the overweight (not that much but enough) middle child between two slender sisters.  I don’t really know how it feels to be thinner.  I lost about 35 pounds when I was in junior college; now I realize I didn’t really believe it or feel it was really me.

Enough about that – it is the past and no longer something I want to focus my energy.  What just occurred to me is that RA may be possibly part of my Life Lesson and Life Purpose.  Maybe these are things I want to heal in this lifetime.  I was about to say “I think”  instead of stating it because I have always been like that.  One of my Life Lessons is standing up for myself, speaking my truth – at this point there isn’t an “I think” about it.  Another is taking back my power – what a wonderful discovery to realize I do have power when I always thought before that I didn’t have any.  What a concept!

I also realize I have had a very negative view of RA – it was done TO me.  I was an innocent victim sideswiped by RA – don’t think I can see it that way any more.  I have been writing about the gifts in RA, a much more positive view than in the beginning.  Anything to do with past lives, Spirit, etc. was not talked about because people who did were weird.  Heavy duty hocus pocus, woo woo and goofball stuff.  Yet that goofball stuff has really helped me, to understand a little better and also to take personal responsibility rather than continue seeing myself as a victim.

This seems a collection of random thoughts to me – I’m not sure it has logic or continuity to it.  As I write, thoughts come to me and I write them down.  It is one of those t imps where I am not sure where it is leading.  I admit to having to stop and wonder what to write next, then a thought comes and I start writing again.

I just thought of Louise Hay and what she wrote in her book “You Can Heal Your Life”.  She said that when you truly love yourself, things will sort themselves out – my words.  I have been focusing on two major things for quite a while – Loving Myself and Life Purpose.  So much of what goes on is a result of my thoughts and as she says “It’s just a thought and a thought can be changed”.   Also I have read and heard that what I am experiencing now is from thoughts not very long ago.  The problem I am having is recognizing what those thoughts are that continue RA and what the positives are to replace them.  I know a lot of those negative thoughts have been there for a very long time and it is hard to recognize them.

What surprises me is that my Mom’s dementia has brought some of the programs into the light so I can recognize them.  Then I realize how I have been operating with them all my life without knowing it.  I may not know yet the “Why” but I am learning ways to see what has been happening all my life; plus what and how I can change thoughts that once served me but are now invalid.  I am slowly creating new positive thoughts and patterns for this stage of my life.

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Is It Pain?

January 27, 2013

Interesting day Friday.  I went up with my other half at o dark 30 because my friend Char was having a birthday lunch in Edmonds and it seemed silly to take two cars up the same direction.   I stayed at the Future of Flight until about 9:30 – I found my little terrace upstairs by the entrance to the Stratodeck – almost said hollow deck.  It is warm and plenty of light plus fairly quiet.  I read my book because my hands, wrist and shoulders have been very uncomfortable because I have spent a lot of time on the computer working on my blogs.  I have giftofra.com and now I made a new one called catlessinseattle.com – one is about finding the gift in Rheumatoid Arthritis and the other is about cats.  I planned to write about my two cats Muffet and Tiger, about my Mom’s cat Josephine and also about a friend’s cat Subaru.

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It was probably a good day to up north so I wouldn’t be writing on my blog or using the computer very much.  I went to three stores and walked quite a bit – oh were my knees, ankles and feet sore and uncomfortable.  I was glad to sit in the car for a while.  I was really stiff when I got to the restaurant, but I had a different thought about it.  I had been listening to Dr. Pat and she had some people on who are doing a 5 day workshop – running the bars and then other things for the other 4 days.  I would love to go, unfortunately it is a bit spendy .

One of the people talking was Ricky Williams, a well-known football player who talked about when he was playing.  He would be in pain in practice as well as playing, so he was taking pain killers a lot of the time.  What he finally realized was that he labeled it pain, locking in the idea that it is pain.  It was the idea that “I have pain, what can I do to get rid of it” thinking.    Then he changed is thinking to “What is my body telling me it needs?”.  Pain is your unwillingness to listen to your body.  Words are powerful and thinking in terms of intensity of change which you asked it to do, your body is stretching, changing and elongating to  create what you asked it to do.

So I thought about that as I was driving to Edmonds to meet Char and Joyce.  I had to concentrate because I have spent the last 42 years thinking “Pain, how do I get rid of it” and certainly feeling a victim and many cases of oh-poor-me-osis.  Now I realize I have implanted in my mind.  Takes some getting used to, so now I realize I have not been listening to my body at all.  I will admit I was very uncomfortable all day and evening, sometimes a new way of thinking takes some time.

I had gone up with Eddie and I was glad he was driving, I think I slept most of the way home.

I had a lovely time with Char and Joyce – though I still let Char know she is a year older than I am.  Actually, for 13 days we are same age.  That’s only because I went to school a year earlier that every one else when we moved to Seattle.  Mom and Dad say that I made so much fuss when I saw Ellen go on the bus to school to see where she went, they finally allowed me to go to.  Everyone in my graduating class was a year older.  But I would have missed out in knowing Char in 9th grade.  Who knows how my life would have gone if I had been in school with people my own age.

Yesterday I was amazed at how well I felt – not much discomfort, though walking through a couple of stores did make my legs hurt a bit.  I will admit to taking an extra prednisone when we had dinner, plus some Advil before bed.  I had wondered how I would be today because usually the second day is the worst.  A little stiff but otherwise doing rather well.

Since I didn’t visit Mom on Friday afternoon, I went yesterday while Eddie was doing the laundry.  She was doing pretty well, she said Elizabeth called earlier.  When I was talking to Judy, she said she calls everyone Elizabeth.  Interesting because that is my legal name.  Yet on Tuesday she wanted to introduce me to Judy and said I was her cousin Betty.  I have finally realized correcting her just agitates her and it really doesn’t matter.  So for a bit I was Betty.

Body Issues

December 5, 2011

I was down at the beach the other day, I had such a compulsion to be by the water and hear the waves slap against the sand. It is very soothing for me, reminds me of the summer nights in East Haven, CT. when we rented a townhouse across the street from the public beach.  As I lay in bed ready to sleep, I could hear the waves hitting the sand and it gently put me to sleep.  It was cloudy and the sun would peak through every once in awhile.  I was leaning against the wall and listening to the waves, my eyes closed.  A thought came back to to me that I either heard or read about a woman who said our bodies are the perfect size for our purpose in life.  Then came the thought that we are all magnificent and it occurred to me that this body of mine has to be this size to contain all of my magnificence.  Just then I felt the light and warmth of the sun on my face and I thought it was God smiling down because I finally “got it”.  But then in came ego with her “Oh, give me a break, the sun just happened to come out and you really aren’t all that magnificent”.  I realized I had a choice – listen to ego with her old familiar patterns of negativity or believe it was God smiling down on me.  It wasn’t a hard choice, just an unfamiliar one.  I told ego “Thanks for sharing but I’m not boarding that bus!   I choose  the other way , the positive loving way towards myself.”

I have had “body issues” all my life.  I can say I am Rubenesque or fluffy but the plain truth is I weight more than I need to carry.  I know with less weight it would be easier on my joints, I would look and feel better in my clothes and I would be able to wear clothes in my closet I haven’t been able to use for 2 or 3 years.  Heck, I could pretty much have a whole new wardrobe.  Unfortunately I still wouldn’t love and accept myself completely and unconditionally.  That is at the root of it.  I was an overweight middle child with two slender sisters.  I never really thought there was anything special about me, not the oldest or the youngest; not as good an artist as my older sister, not as smart in school as they were.  Yes, we are talking perception and somewhere my perception went in that direction.  In school it was harder, especially because for girls the pinnacle of success is attracting a boy.  Chalk one up on the minus side for me.  I got teased a lot and made fun of – I remember in high school some guy came up to me in the hall one day to say his buddy wanted to go to the dance with me.  That was a shock, so I think I said yes.  He went back to his buddies and they were killing themselves laughing.  My thought – what a chump to have believed it.  Chalk one more on the minus side.  I could go on and on but that isn’t the point of this.  (If it is a whinge, call me on it!)

I didn’t think I was lovable, how could I love myself?  I saw myself as fat, freckled, with glasses and very shy – not things that draw people to me.  Poor baby, victimhood started very young.  It was easier after high school, except the body issues were still there – even today.  What I am learning is that I don’t have to see myself in Madison Ave terms, there are other views that are so much better.  Let’s face it,we all can’t be Cindy Crawford, Jacklyn Smith or Vera Miles – I am me and that person, that woman is dynamite – she just has to love and believe in herself and celebrate what is so very special about her.  I have been receiving a set of email from Stephanie Rainbow Bell about loving yourself at any size.  She has a new website and it is so encouraging for those of us who are generously blessed in all areas of our bodies.  This piece was such a boost to me, I know it has been shared in many places.  Good on you Tara Lynn!  To love myself and believe in my talents isn’t being boastful, arrogant or egotistical (contrary to old messages) .  When I truly love every part of me, -including the negative bits, the hurts I caused, the stupid things I have done – when I am able to love myself completely, then some of this body issues and weight will not longer be an issue.  Louise Hay talks about that in her book “You Can Heal Your Life”.

I will admit those childhood and adult messages are still bouncing around inside, ready to discount any positive feelings, compliments or thoughts.  But now that I understand better what is happening, I am learning to make better choices and be more aware of not boarding that negative bus.  It is a learning process and I am a work in progress.  In rereading one of Stephanie’s emails, it really hit me with the idea of our bodies as containers for our magnificence.  She wrote:

When we’ve been around the block a few times as the odd one out because of how we look, we unconsciously begin to believe that we are defective as human beings because of our size.

Nothing could be farther from the Truth however!
Our bodies are not damaged, regardless of their size.  Our bodies are the vessels for our Divine Spirit and our Divine Spirit doesn’t really give a rat’s a$$ about our weight!

Our Spirits simply desired a way to expand their energetic experience by living it through a physical body!  Having arms and legs and hearts and heads gives us an opportunity to experience life as a means of expressing energy into form!  When you think about that for a minute, it’s pretty awesome right?

Can’t think of a better way to end this!

Spot On, Universe!

December 4, 2011

I had an interesting post from the Universe today – so apt and also very uncomfortable.  Right between the eyes!

Lee, what if I told you that your every conflict, disappointment, struggle or challenge, with others or yourself, was merely a manifestation of what’s going on within your own thinking… would you go there first to fix, mend, and allay?

Yeah, you might miss the drama.
The Universe

Would you?

OUCH!  I have a situation right now that is very stressful, especially since there isn’t a lot I can do to change the situation. I have been thinking lately that it is important to know what I am doing that contributes to the stress and what I can do to make it better.  Not a comfortable prospect since it is much easier to think it is the other person who is the problem and I am a “victim” – all they have to do is change and everything will be fine.  What I have to look at fully is what my perception of it is, what emotions I am attaching to it – assigned significance – and what buttons are being pushed.   However, it also means that my  “victim/martyr”  bubble will be pricked and I have to see what is really happening.  I will ‘fess up to doing the victim routine really well all these years – not really proud of it and certainly not willing to admit it for the longest time.  But then I hear Dr. Phil in my head asking “How’s that working for you”?  Note to Self – it ain’t working very well any more.  Yes, it is familiar but it doesn’t feel good and it certainly isn’t creating what I want in my life – it’s just creating more negative stuff.  People have often said I have such a positive attitude, that they don’t know how I do all that I do with RA.  Wow!  That positive feedback strokes the ego, unfortunately it doesn’t advance any healing or willingness to look at what is truly going on inside me.  Much easier to bask in the light of victim or martyr.  Good thing they don’t see the bad case of “oh-poor-me-osis” going on inside me a lot of times.

The other uncomfortable part of this is to really look at what it is mirroring back to me.  Double ouch!   I grew up with a rather negative view of things from my parents – I will say they gave us a very loving home and many things my friends didn’t have – and it has carried over all my adult life.  I didn’t really understand it for along time, that was just the way it was for me.  Now there is a lot more intensified negativity and I am beginning to understand how much has been subconscious all this time.  There are so many times when my buttons have been pushed and I didn’t know what the triggers were – I see now it is my little girl side of me who feels it so much.  I also see more and more that those negative thoughts, feeling and perceptions are on autopilot – Bam! One button pushed!  Bam! Another button pushed – like torpedoes being sent out one after another to sink the enemy ship.  Except I am not the enemy – Hello, is anyone listening inside me?  Those torpedoes are hitting my little girl and I now know I just have to hug her, reassure her she is protected and loved, I am the adult and I will protect her.  I will take the hits and learn to deflect or disarm them before they can reach us.  I am becoming more aware – sometimes it sucks – and I am working on a conscious effort to be aware of thoughts and feelings as they come, recognize them and create new choices.  Simple, not easy.

What else does it mirror?  I had another one and for the life of me I can’t remember it at the moment – must have been earthshaking.

After some thinking, I realized that part of the situation I am dealing with involves questions – the same ones over and over and over and over.  Unfortunately the answers don’t take hold and it is a constant asking all day long.  So what is this mirroring?  How often have I asked God, my angels, spirits guides and master teachers what my purpose in life is, how do I find it,etc.  I am sure the messages and clues have been sent many times, I just haven’t gotten them yet because I am expecting it to come in a certain way.  Kind of like the guy in the flood who is sure God will save him, yet declines the offer from the truck, later the boat and finally the helicopter.  The poor guy drowns and gets to heaven asking God “Why didn’t you save me”?  God’s reply was “I sent you a truck, a boat and helicopter”.  Now I have to wonder what I have missed along the way because I didn’t recognize or believe it.  Thank goodness God is patient and doesn’t get fed up with me, there will be other signs and I have set an intention of recognizing them when they come.  In Ike Pono we talked about how things come or happen but not always the way we expect it.  I once read that when one prays to God for something but in very specific terms and conditions, it limits the answers.  I have finally come to a point where I will say,”I would really like it to be this, but I am open to this or something better.”  Sometimes I am not always sure what I want, so I will just ask for whatever works.  Then I have to let it go and let it be dome.  If I keep worrying it like a dog with bone, it is as if I am constantly taking it out of His hands.  Also simple, not easy.

There are days!

November 21, 2010

Last night was one of those low points, I haven’t one that low for quite awhile.  I have two situations going on as well as dealing with RA – amazing how they all combine at times.  Last night I was putting off going to bed because I have not been sleeping very well the past few months because my legs hurt so much at night.  I will admit to feeling worn out and worn down at the moment, not sure what to do or not do to understand what’s happening and what I can do to help my wonderful body – my friend and healer – to create healing for my legs.  It has taken me a long time to see my body as healer, friend and beautiful – not quite there wholeheartedly but a heck of lot closer than I was.  I am uncomfortable admitting that when I am “drag my ass tired”,  I tend to be cranky and not especially objective.

I had a conversation last night that put me over the edge – I was ready to cry and the tears were coming.  But there isn’t anywhere to go to yell my lungs out, beat the pillow and generally howl with pain and frustration.  The odd thing was, I was thinking about one of the other situations that is foreign territory to me and nothing to guide me through it.  Yet I heard myself say, I can do this, whatever it requires I can do this.  I may feel like running away and not dealing with it; I may not want to do something necessary, I may not like doing it – but I can do it.  I don’t remember ever thinking that way before – I usually had that scared little kid feeling of “I can’t do this, I want my Mommy”!  By George, there is a real adult woman inside me these days and that feels amazing.  I still am not happy dealing with this situation, but I am seeing it as a capable adult woman who knows when to seek advice from those with experience.

I can’t honestly say why I was so upset last night, maybe it is just all of it coming together  because I am tired.  I know two of the situations I can leave the house for awhile and not think about it or have to do anything.  But I have to take my legs with me – ain’t that a b—-h sometimes.  I would love to leave one or more body parts at home so I could have some fun – jump, skip, climb and whoop it up.  But so far I haven’t created a way to do that, so the body goes with me on holiday, to parties, to fun things and here I am thinking it is in my way.  In my more rational moments, I realize how grateful I am to my body because she makes it possible to use all my senses to experience the world, my legs have taken me to places in the world and the US. I have always wanted to go – some were interesting but I have no desire to go back again and I am glad I was able to leave.  Without her I couldn’t read, write, quilt, laugh, hear Puccini arias or all of Beethoven, I could see or hear the ocean and waterfalls; I could smell or taste all those wonderful things from my Mom’s kitchen or appreciate her gorgeous hooked rugs.  I am so grateful that most of my body systems – respiratory, digestive, circulation, etc. all work really well, just a few problems with joints, tendons, muscles and ligaments.

Those are my rational moments.  Last  night was one of my “oh-poor-me-osis” moments when I feel very sorry for myself and think I have it worse than anyone else on the planet. (I can be a global thinker at times).  I get into that victim mentality and and wonder why I am lumbered with all this, what did I do that was so bad I deserve this?  Well, I hope I had one hell of a good time because this is the pits. Then there are those who think they are helping by pointing out someone who is worse off than I am – that just makes me cranky and feeling I have been dismissed and devalued.   As if what I deal with is not as major or important or serious as the person they have mentioned.  At this point in my life, I would like to tell them to shove it where the sun don’t shine, Thank You very much.  Unfortunately my Mother and Father brought me up to be polite and it is extremely difficult to go against early childhood training.  However, I have on rare occasions actually been able to do it.  Then I feel badly afterwards because I wasn’t the “good girl” I was brought up to be.  Rats!  Can’t even enjoy that rare moment!

Funny, this time I didn’t feel a lot of that stuff, it was more calm and the tears were just spilling over on to my cheeks; it was almost as if I was too tired to feel, much less examine exactly what was happening.  I went to bed and my husband, bless his heart, just folded me into his arms and let me cry.  Yikes!  As I write this I find my eyes filling again so I know I haven’t cried it out or resolved it yet.  And I didn’t sleep all that well last night either.  I am a work in progress and no doubt will be for the rest of my life.

Something surprising I have noticed in the 40 years of RA, whether I am in pain and really low, on a high or anywhere in between, I have an ability to see some humor in it as I describe it to myself or write it for someone else.  These things pop into my mind just at the right moment and it feels right, that it fits.  I don’t sit and think, “now what does this remind me of or what word or phrase can I use to describe this?”, it just arrives with no effort or thought.  Those can also come out not the way I meant and it means another foot in mouth moment.  So I am grateful for it and appreciate the boost it gives me.

How do I see myself?

November 20, 2010

I have an overwhelming desire to whinge – as if I am the only one who has uncomfortable stuff to deal with.  But by whingeing to you, it relieves some of the pressure for me, but loads it on to you – something no one needs.  I know for most of the past 40 years that was mainly what I did, whinge and find that people would say how brave I was, wondering how I do all that I do with RA.  I suspect I put up a better front than I realized, they saw me in a very different way than I saw myself.  I know I spent many times thinking “If they only knew how scared and unsure I am, how clueless about so much!”.  But I can see now that I was reflecting my own insecurities and my own negative view of myself.

Which brings me to how I see myself – I am beginning to realize I have always had a negative view of me, that what I noticed growing up was what seemed wrong with me rather than being more aware of the positives.  I can say with conviction now that there are a lot of positives about, in and with me, just took longer to recognize them.  I also notice the negative view is on automatic pilot – I have to consciously stop myself and rewrite them.  Thanks to Ike Pono, I have begun to see where an event has happened, there was emotion, there is a memory and there was a decision – a negative one.  then gathering evidence that I was right in that decision.  I didn’t want to go back and visit those decisions, that evidence because it hurt too much – as if there was no other way or conclusion that could be drawn from it except the negative.

My hypnotherapy friend Kathie Brodie – The Baggage Handler – suggested I write out each incident as it happened and how I felt.  But then to rewrite it with a positive ending.  I used red ink for the “as it happened” piece,then regular black ink, because I didn’t have purple, to write a positive ending.  Yikes!  I couldn’t imagine how it could end positively, so it was quite a surprise and pleasure to find it writing itself and I was blown away by the result.  I must have gone into Pono when I wrote second version because I don’t consciously know where it came from.  So I did the next one – wasn’t quite as satisfying but really cool.  The third one also blew me away, this is cool!  These are to help me with self confidence and loving myself self, probably the main thing I need to learn about myself.

I am beginning to understand I have seen myself as not good enough, not measuring up  or lacking something that everyone else seemed to have had from birth.  Because I was and am overweight – Reubenesque or fluffy – I saw myself as unacceptable because I didn’t fit the mold of tall, blonde, slender, lovely, etc.  I felt I was too fat to fit the pigeon hole.  I felt inadequate because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, everyone else had goals ad career plans.  They were slender and pretty and had boyfriends and friends, all the things I wanted but didn’t think I had or was somehow missing something the others had.  Oh dear, as I look back at what I have written, it sounds as if I have a bad case of “oh-poor-me-osis” in full blown mode.  What I realize as I look back at growing up and going to school, I saw myself as inadequate, not good enough, maybe even not deserving.  Great foundation to build a life!  Now as I start writing about those upsetting incidents and then turning them into positive, I can see other parts of me and my life in much more positive ways rather than deciding it is just more evidence to prove my decision.  Now I can better see that little girl and be there to protect her and let her know she is loved and very lovable.  I can give her the support she didn’t think she had at the time and embrace her in loving kindness.

I see now that not only have I been seeing myself these days as limited, it has been that way all my life – other people do all these amazing things, have all the wonderful experiences, possessions and wonderful friend – but I don’t.  My view has been so fogged in by negative views of me and my life, I haven’t been able to let in the wonderful, positive ones.  Once in awhile I could see them in the distance when the fog would lift or part, but I didn’t see them as real and I didn’t believe them.  I am burning off the fog myself now, a bit at a time and allowing the sunshine and all the positive loving things, experiences and people in and believing they are true.  It is a new way to be and is taking time to put into motion, but it is happening.  I am becoming my contract  – “I am a healthy, powerful, inspiring woman courageously living my vision now”!

Update (long overdue)

November 7, 2010

Life has been rather eventful lately, after falling and being laid up for a while, I seem to have lost track of my life.  NOTE TO SELF if you don’t write regularly, it’s not a blog.  I was so caught up in how much it hurt to walk that it was hard to think of anything else.  How could a small part of my body wreak such havoc?  I have finally gotten back into my life again and am able to walk almost as I had before the fall; feels as if I am playing catchup.  I spent 3 weeks of really difficult days barely making it to the bed, the chair and the bathroom – many times I wondered how long I could postpone getting up and trying to walk on the knee.  I was sorry for myself at times, kept wondering why I didn’t stick to my policy of watching where I am stepping rather than watching where I am going.  However, that is just beating myself up and what came out of that was negativity – I sometimes feel there is already an oversupply of that already.

The odd thing was, after a bit I began to wonder “What is the gift in this?  What can I learn from it?”.  Not my usual questions but Ike Pono has given me a different awareness now than I had before.  As my last post showed, I have been thinking in a different way, though so far I haven’t been able to answer the “Who am I” question to a point where I can say “I know that I know”.  One of these days.  But I have been looking at things differently and  have discovered a few other things that certainly bring more questions.  I realize now I choose to know the truth about myself, before I was saying I am willing to know the truth.  A subtle difference but now I am ready, rather than I think I am ready.  I have been thinking of other times in my life where I was in a similar situation and how I thought about it.  The  section in Ike Pono about there is an event, an emotion, a memory and then decision, followed by gathering evidence to prove you are right – as in the example of the kid who decided he was stupid.  I have been looking at the times when things happened and I once again confirmed I was unacceptable – this time as I remember them, I will write it down as it happened and then rewrite it in a positive way.  That may take some real practice because I realize when I think of those times, it is always the same feelings, pictures and words in my mind – it takes some doing because I have thought of it in one way for so long that a different view or interpretation seems a lot harder.  I figure the more I do it, the easier it will become with practice.

I had tea with a good friend the other week and she did an angel card reading for me – Yikes!  She was spot on!  There are two big things for me to work on, loving myself and my fear of being wrong.  Now I know loving myself has been a big challenge all my life, over the years I have done pretty well on that one and there is still a lot left to do.  The fear of being wrong was a hit in the face because I have realize I have been thinking and feeling it but never put it into specific words.  It just hit me that it is part of not feeling acceptable – I have spent a lot of my life looking for approval and validation from other people so I would know I was right or had made the right decision.  I realized a while ago that it was a gift from someone important in my life that I didn’t get the approval and validation I wanted so badly – it made me find it inside myself.   Then I would not be constantly looking for it from other people because if those people are gone, what would I do?  I would be constantly looking for someone to give approval.  I can see the things that gave me joy, the enthusiasm and exuberance I felt and expressed but was squelched, seemed bad or unacceptable and of course that meant I was unacceptable.  So if I made a “wrong” choice according to someone I craved approval from, once again I am not acceptable.  I can see this could go round and round in circles until I drive myself crazy.  Time to let it simmer on the back burner for a bit and see what comes up.  It is amazing how putting it in words on paper can help clear things up or bring out other parts of the same thing.

I find it fascinating how I start at one point and by the end of the entry I am in an entirely different place.  Oh my, I just realized my self-worth and loving myself is also tied up in all of this – like pulling a strand of a wadded up ball of tangled yarn and not knowing how it will all unravel.  The good news is that I now know that whatever I find in the deepest part of my essence, it will be positive and loving – that god awful bitch on wheels was never there, it was just my fear and perception about who I was deep down.  Ain’t that a kick in the head!

What Am I Thinking?

July 17, 2010

I was listening to Conscious Talk radio on my way to an appointment and heard the last bit of Krysta Gibson of New Spiritual Journal.  I know her through my networking at the Holistic Chamber of Commerce and Good Company lunches and enjoy what she writes.  That morning she was talking about  Life as a journey , to enjoy the ride and look out the window at everything around you.  It isn’t a big struggle to attain an monumental goal using all your energy and might, then there is nothing left to work towards.  Those goals are stops on the way.  (My apologies Krysta of I have misquoted you.)  That’s what I heard and it made me realize I haven’t been enjoying the ride or looking out the window at all the cool things of my life.  Instead I have been always looking at  the future, when I have less pain, when I am flexible, when I have more energy, etc.  Not a comfortable thought because I may have missed opportunities for myself and also to help others.  Too focused on me, but on the negatives – just as Ego loves it.  When I had my 60th birthday three years ago, I decided I wanted the last third of my life to be very different – filled with joy, fun, love and adventure.  I have done many self development things and certainly Ike Pono has really made a difference – it keeps on helping me to have the life I decided I wanted on my birthday.  The difficulty is I am still operating on a lot of the old mindsets, somebody else’s training and fears.  I came across something this morning that  was a slap upside the head, a very vivid reminder about what I have been thinking a feeling so much of my life.  The good news was, there was also the way to change that mindset into a positive thought pattern.  Now I would love to tell you I thought it up all by myself, but I didn’t.  I have to thank Brian Vaszily of The Intense Experiences for this  – he called it a mediation.

Success Manifesto

Life is how I am.
If I keep struggling to get more, my life will be a struggle filled with lack.

I have all I need, I am grateful, and anything more is just more of a gift.

Success Manifesto

If I hold anger in, anger will increasingly weigh my life down.

I accept that anger happens, but I always release it and so I fly.
If I keep telling myself I am a survivor, I will then merely survive.

I am born to thrive in my life, and so in all I do I accept that I will thrive.

If I let guilt control me, I will never live the happy life that is mine.
I consider what matters carefully, then act upon only one voice: my own.

If I keep repeating that there is never enough time, time will always run out.
I have been given all the time I need in life; it is up to me to use it wisely.
If I worry about what might go wrong in my life, the worry itself will shrivel me.

I am honest, able and complete; with that I meet the challenges that do come.
If I see certain steps I take as failing, I will hesitate to move forward.

All movement is forward movement in my life, and so I keep moving.
If I give in to my fears, my life will be a fearful place.

I move through fears that would block me from me, and so I live free.

If I keep longing for luck, my life will seem unlucky to me.

I am here, I can choose to do, and that is all the luck I need.

Life is not something that happens to me.

Life is how I am.

Thank You Brian, I needed to hear that and I realize it is something I can read every day to keep myself in balance and who knows, learn to enjoy the ride of this life as I look out the window.

And so shall it be.

How Do I Show Up in Life?

June 5, 2010

I have been doing Ike Pono weekends and yesterday was the first day of 3rd weekend.  I haven’t been feeling that comfortable physically but this is important to me.  We had an exercise that really shook me up because it shows me how I show up in my life – not trusting my instincts and what my heart is telling me.  I have spent most of my life wondering what I want to be when I grow up, wondering what is most important to me and what my purpose in life really is.  For so long the answer has usually been “I don’t know”.   Have I spent so long not believing I can be whatever I want that I have buried it and given up my power and dreams?  As I look back I see how many times I knew something but I allowed someone to talk me into another way because I didn’t trust myself.  Then when it was finished, I realized I knew what I was talking about after all.  Makes me feel so gullible and trusting, yet criticizing and beating myself up doesn’t help at all.  So why is it I don’t trust my own instincts?  Why haven’t I stood up for my knowing?  Not enough education, experience, knowledge?  Then feeling stupid for not listening and resenting the other person.  Normally I would go into judgment mode on myself and I started down that path last night.  The whole point of the exercise is to know who I am and love myself – unfortunately a very unfamiliar feeling and MO.  As Louise Hay says “It’s just a thought and a thought can be changed”.

Now I need to look at RA and how I am showing up in that.  At this moment I am feeling less than perky because my legs are bothering me and I haven’t been sleeping very well.  That makes me a bit cranky and certainly not very objective.  So what is going on inside myself that  has created RA?  I have often thought it was somewhere I could hide so I didn’t have to make any decisions about what I want to be.  As much as I don’t want to admit it, it is also an easy out of doing something I am afraid to do or don’t know how to do.  Rather than risk failure, it has been easier not to try because of RA.  I have met a medical intuitive and I want to go see her to really find out what is going on inside.  Yet there is a part of me who is scared because I figure I will be seen in a bad light and the answers will be negative.  Why not think in terms of finally seeing my magnificence and what is amazing about me?  Probably because early training says it is boasting and egotistical to think well of myself.  I want to know but I am letting fear keep me from doing it.  Who knows, I may find out some really great things and help solve the mystery,

Right or Happy?

May 21, 2010

It’s been a Dr. Phil  moment – he always asks “Do you want to be right or happy?”.  I have just realized that I have wanted to be right , but unfortunately I didn’t realize that was what I was looking for in this context.  I see now that I have wanted this person to acknowledge what was said and done, that it validates my assertion it actually happened.  Only that person won’t even acknowledge anything was said or done, has no idea what I am talking about – then the kicker, I am just imagining it.  Well, that phrase actually is the validation, the acknowledgement!  Now that I look back, I wonder why it has been so important for that acknowledgement, maybe because that would mean there is now awareness and the situation will change and improve.  Hello Self?  Ain’t happening and now I see it is part of ego running things – she loves all that negative, victim stuff – not boarding that bus again!  Well, at least not consciously.  But it tells me a lot more about what is going on inside me, always a gift even when it is a bit uncomfortable.

Too much of my life has been looking for validation from other people, rather than the real place it comes from – inside myself.  After over six decades – Yikes!  Has it been that long? – I am finally beginning to understand it was right here inside me all along.  The problem seems to be not trusting myself, not being sure of much of anything  and looking outside for answers.  I didn’t trust myself to know what my passions are, what my purpose is and all the important things.  I have been too hung up on fitting in to belong, figuring out what career path in a sea of choices where nothing stands out.  So much of it has been fear of making the wrong choice and being stuck with it for the rest of my life.  Yet, as I look back, I have changed locations, interests, etc., the only thing I feel stuck with all this time is RA.  Now that I didn’t feel I chose, yet, as I have been working through things – yep, I did choose it.  I can now see  my thoughts and perceptions have helped create it – I am working on understanding what those thoughts were and what triggered them.  So much was insecurity and fear about who I am and what my purpose is for this life.  Is RA a validation of some kind – first thought is validation for ego that I am a victim.  I don’t think so!

In the book “Busting Loose From The Money Game”, he talks about we have all written the script to our life and we can change it any time.  I pictured the hollowdeck in “Star Trek” – I always thought that was cool!  It’s a bit unsettling to realize I wrote this script, so much easier to think myself a victim of circumstances.  If I think I am right that I am a victim, I don’t have to take responsibility.  Another Dr. Phil moment – “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”.  What I found most interesting in the book is the author wants us to stop and appreciate what is written, give yourself credit for doing such a detailed and well written script before you write a new one.  That is a whole lot better than beating myself up for doing such a lousy job, etc.

So it is time for me to let go of wanting to be right, to insist that someone who has said or done something to me must acknowledge it so I was right to be hurt and upset, that I am the good one.  Unfortunately it doesn’t make me happy to be the good one, though ego revels in it.  I am working on knowing who I am, my own worth and loving, accepting, approving and trusting myself.  The Law of Allowing means dropping all judgments and all emotional attachments to what others are, have, say or do.  That is where the rub is, I am emotionally attached to it and didn’t realize it.  Eckhart Tolle says that things have meaning only when we put meaning or value on them.  That’s going to take some work to  “know that I know” that and be able to let pass by me.  Though it is important to let someone know when what they say crosses my boundaries.  Then I have to decide if it has value or not – that’s my decision.


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