Gift of RA

There have been only two things in my life I did early – I was born 2 weeks early and went to school a year earlier than was smart.  The birth was when I was ready – maybe the doctor miscounted or Mom wasn’t quite sure when to start counting.  Anyway, I arrived around 6 a.m., a day before my parents 5th wedding anniversary.  And there was my big sister to welcome me too.  As for school, my Dad tells the story of Ellen getting on the bus to go to school and me making a huge fuss to get on with her to see where she went.  We were in Southern California at the time and if I was 5 by the 1st of march, I could start kindergarten.  Later, when we moved to Seattle, I suddenly found I was a year younger than everyone else in my class.

I must have shot my wad on early things; after that, I always felt I was trying to catch up.  I was not making the greatest grades in school – mostly C’s with a B and A every once in a while.  Meanwhile, my older sister was just at the right age for her grade and did very well.  Not always easy to be three years behind her and having a lot of the same teachers she had.  When she graduated, I started in that Fall – there were a lot of teachers who remembered Ellen and I had the feeling they expected me to do as well as she did.  It didn’t work out that way – maybe I was a little in over my head at the time.

As a result, my parents thought I would have done better if I had waited a year.  When my sister Candy went to school, they made her wait a year, so she was a big older than the others.  She, too, had good grades and was active in school, maybe that extra year was a real bonus for her.  With the age difference, the three of us were more like 3 generations because we weren’t in the same school at any time together.  By the time Candy went to high school, she was in a different one than we were because they changed the school boundaries.  There were no reminders of an older sister  for her – it was a whole new place just for her.

I have to admit, I didn’t expect it would take this long – I am 67 and still working on what I want to be when I grow up.  Now one would think that from my start in life I would be a go getter – I was born two weeks early, at 6 in the morning.  My Dad once said I was born tired and never got rested.  I was 19 when I had my first date – I didn’t do well with boys because I was so unsure and had no experience about boys except my Dad.  I always thought a brother would have been a good thing, unfortunately my parents never went for the idea of trading in my younger sister for an older brother.  Always wondered why.  I was married at 22, by  then almost all the girls in my graduating class had been married for a while.  Then of course I went to Australia to be married.  I have never figured out what I want to be when I grow up – haven’t found anything that really “hits” me.  I am have to create it for myself.  I have never felt I fit anywhere.  So here I am looking at 67 and I feel as if there is something really cool just around the corner – not sure what it is or how it will look and feel.  All I know is I am open, receptive, unlimited, allowing with no preconceived ideas of what it has to be or how it will show up.  I am finally at a point of thinking in terms of “Whatever works”.

It’s not to say I have had a boring life, once that wonderful Armenian fellow I met at my aunt’s came into my life, things have been very interesting.  We were married in Australia and it is a bit disconcerting to find we will be celebrating our 45th wedding anniversary in less than a month.  Put in years, it seems quite a long time.  But it doesn’t feel that long.  In many ways, I look back at the first years and it almost feels as if it happened to someone else or that I read it in a book.  I have learned so much, been to many places I have always wanted to go, some places I never thought about and others I have no desire to return.  I have met a lot of interesting and amazing people over the years, they have taught me so much.

I wonder what I am meant to do – sometimes I feel time is running out and I am getting too old.  But I have heard the phrase “You are never too old” and I continue to  learn and grow.  I am looking to the future and what will unfold – anything is possible for me.  I know I am not the same person I was and there is no changing the past.  I learned long ago not to beat myself up – I did the best I could with what I had and knew at the time.  I am learning that it is and was all perfect for me; I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am without it.   I choose to learn to embrace the future and also learn to enjoy the journey – sometimes seems  a bit counterintuitive. When I think about what I was doing before, I hear Dr. Phil in my head asking “How’s that working for you?’ and know it’s not working for me.  Much better to try something different and see what happens.