Lee Proposes, God Disposes

I had planned to write a blog post 2 1/2 weeks ago called “The Bears Have It Right”.  I had decided to take the last two weeks in December off just relaxing – hibernating, so to speak –  doing what I wanted, writing blog posts as well as in my journal.  I needed some quiet time to rest and recuperate from this last quarter of the year.  Unfortunately I came down with the flu and have been coughing, blowing my nose, losing my voice and dealing with a sore throat.  If I had been in any mood to write, it would have been to whinge about how badly I felt and chronicle in detail the day my throat felt as if there were thorns in it – made swallowing, sneezing and coughing very uncomfortable.  Then I would have complained the day I had a horrendous headache – all of which would have been against my rule of No Whingeing.  So that is why you have not seen a blog for  2 1/2 weeks.  To make the whole thing more interesting, Eddie came down with it as well about a week after I did.  What a pair we have been.  There are times when I think God has a very peculiar sense of humor – last time I needed a break, it was a broken hip rather than two weeks at a spa as I had imagined it.

So here I am in January 3rd, feeling a whole lot better, though still with the stuffy runny nose and cough.  I am beginning to feel more human again – boy does that feel good.  I am still lying low this week to see if I can get over it all as much as possible before starting the new year.  I am happy to say I have been sleeping well for a while, though I still don’t feel rested.  But I think I am working through the fatigue of this year and last by going down layer by layer.  It has been a very different Christmas this year, the first time we have been on our own.  We always came to Seattle for Christmas with Mom and Dad and my two sisters – didn’t seem like Christmas otherwise.  The only decoration we put up were the cards that arrived – thank goodness Eddie was on the ball sending ours.  Christmas Day we went over to see Mom and bring her a box of goodies.  We also brought Candy’s gifts with us since she sent them to the house.  She was pleased to see us, even though we were both feeling terrible.  They had all been given gifts – John gave Mom a large teddy bear – she really likes it and cuddles it a lot.

I wanted to give the others in the house a gift, so I bought handkerchiefs for John and Wendell, a plush bear for Jennifer because she keeps admiring Mom’s and has said she wished she had one.  I gave Monique and Jan each a bone china mug and scarves to Didi, Judy and Susan.  I appreciate their caring for Mom and  being there for her.  Mom is often confused and has been having trouble sleeping at night.  To counteract that, she sleeps a lot in the day.  They have a new med to help her sleep at night but it hasn’t kicked in yet – it may take a couple of weeks.  One day I went to see her and she was sound asleep – she had not slept well the night before.  Another day she had just gotten up – it was about 1:30 in the afternoon.  She seems to be more forgetful when she is timed and they are beginning to see her feisty, irritable side now.  When I saw her yesterday, she was very upset and wanted to go home, I think more likely her mother’s house, though she did say she wanted to live with me again.  Part of it is not sleeping well and part is the dementia, it was upsetting to be there.  This is definitely the hardest part of the disease.  I talked to Judy about it and she helped me to understand about it a little more.  I have to remind myself her perception is not always a true one.

2012 has been a challenging year for a lot of people, not just me.  What I would rather do when I look back over the year is to see the gifts in it.  Although it has been difficult taking care of Mom and then finding a place for her to live, plus all the balderdash applying for Medicaid, I am realizing I can ask for help as well as step up to plate and deal with what comes.  I have realized that a lot of my childhood programs have been hitting me in the face so I finally have begun to recognize them.  One was “Don’t ask for help, don’t bother or burden others”,  I am listening to my older sister’s advice of “Ditch it, girl”.  With the broken hip, I had a break from Mom and home, though not quite as I pictured it.  But it gave me a chance to have time on my own where the focus was on me and what I needed.  It also gave Eddie a chance to see what I had been dealing with all those months.  Yes, I still had to deal with stuff for Mom on the phone, but I could forget about it for a while as I was doing therapy and sleeping – not a lot of energy or interest for anything else.

I suspect I will be able to see the gifts better as time goes on, it isn’t always apparent at the time.  I see 2013 as a new beginning, though I am not sure what it will be or how it will show up – I look for what is for my highest good, what works no matter what form it appears.

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