Gift of RA

I have been doing Ike Pono weekends and yesterday was the first day of 3rd weekend.  I haven’t been feeling that comfortable physically but this is important to me.  We had an exercise that really shook me up because it shows me how I show up in my life – not trusting my instincts and what my heart is telling me.  I have spent most of my life wondering what I want to be when I grow up, wondering what is most important to me and what my purpose in life really is.  For so long the answer has usually been “I don’t know”.   Have I spent so long not believing I can be whatever I want that I have buried it and given up my power and dreams?  As I look back I see how many times I knew something but I allowed someone to talk me into another way because I didn’t trust myself.  Then when it was finished, I realized I knew what I was talking about after all.  Makes me feel so gullible and trusting, yet criticizing and beating myself up doesn’t help at all.  So why is it I don’t trust my own instincts?  Why haven’t I stood up for my knowing?  Not enough education, experience, knowledge?  Then feeling stupid for not listening and resenting the other person.  Normally I would go into judgment mode on myself and I started down that path last night.  The whole point of the exercise is to know who I am and love myself – unfortunately a very unfamiliar feeling and MO.  As Louise Hay says “It’s just a thought and a thought can be changed”.

Now I need to look at RA and how I am showing up in that.  At this moment I am feeling less than perky because my legs are bothering me and I haven’t been sleeping very well.  That makes me a bit cranky and certainly not very objective.  So what is going on inside myself that  has created RA?  I have often thought it was somewhere I could hide so I didn’t have to make any decisions about what I want to be.  As much as I don’t want to admit it, it is also an easy out of doing something I am afraid to do or don’t know how to do.  Rather than risk failure, it has been easier not to try because of RA.  I have met a medical intuitive and I want to go see her to really find out what is going on inside.  Yet there is a part of me who is scared because I figure I will be seen in a bad light and the answers will be negative.  Why not think in terms of finally seeing my magnificence and what is amazing about me?  Probably because early training says it is boasting and egotistical to think well of myself.  I want to know but I am letting fear keep me from doing it.  Who knows, I may find out some really great things and help solve the mystery,