Posts Tagged ‘Physical body’

Not Just My Body

December 25, 2011

I have spent most of the last 41 years thinking about RA in terms of just my body – that is how most of the doctors I worked with viewed it.  It gave me a victim mentality, that it wasn’t my fault because I was an innocent bystander being sideswiped by it for no reason.  Therefore, I had no responsibility except to get treatment.  It never occurred to me it was the Universe trying to get my attention.  News Flash!!!

I had a note from the Universe the other day that was really cool:

Young souls use pain to learn how things are.

 Mature souls use pain to learn how else things might be.

 And old souls, Lee, use pain to learn how else they might be. 


The Universe

Of course, Lee, pain is only a choice, among many, for such learning. It just happens to be very popular.

It is only in recent years through personal development have I realized that it is mind, body and spirit.  Over the years it has been bits and bobs here and there, then last year I had it full in the face with Ike Pono.  This year has really been an eye opener since I have been working with Debye and deep tissue massage.  I went to see her to help with the shoulder and neck pain from way too much computer and also waiting too long to see what could be done to relieve it.  I finally “got it” that I was holding on to RA; at one of the last Ike Pono weekends Bruce asked me why I has still holding on to RA.  It must have been simmering on the back burner for several months because in one session Debye told me I was sending mixed messages about it.  That meant I had to look at what was going on inside of me – I realized my identity was all wrapped up in RA and I didn’t know anything about myself without it.

What I learned so forcefully was that I was stuffing down so many feeling of anger, resentment, fear, hurt and who knows what else – all somewhere in my body because I hadn’t expressed it.  The first session was just physical massage and boy, was that uncomfortable.  The second session I was so surprised to find myself crying – I remember saying out loud “I can’t take it any more!”.  Ever since then my sessions have been like that, I find myself crying without really knowing why but I have been expressing and releasing all that junk.  It has helped me learn more about myself and  who I truly am.  My goal for so long is to love all of myself deeply, completely and unconditionally.  I am a lot farther along than I was a few months ago.  All the things, the people, the techniques, everything I have done and learned has helped me over the years to come to this point.

For so long I have just wanted to get rid of the pain so I could move comfortably and do what I want.  To me that is a cure, but there is the likelihood of it coming back because I didn’t get to the root of it.  But healing is understanding what brought it on in the first place, then  coming to terms with it and releasing it so it doesn’t come back.  I thought it was just in my physical body and once that was gone, I was fine.  Now I have come to understand there is so much more than the physical.  I’ve had several people see something in a past life that was not resolved and has been carried over into this life.  Not everyone goes along with the  idea of past lives – I am very open to it though I have not really had any glimpses of my own past lives.  It is very human to think this is the only life there is, on this planet in this time; that all this is just goofball, airy fairy, touchy feely woo woo stuff.  I have read and heard quite often that if something comes up 2 or 3 times- PAY ATTENTION!

After spending most of my life with a limited view of things, I am now open and receptive to all kinds of possibilities because limitation is too confining and I don’t feel I have anywhere I fit in the regular world.  I only know what is true for me and in no way would I ever try to convert or convince anyone of my view – in answer to Dr. Phil “It’s working pretty well for me”.  Looking at myself as a whole person with feelings, beliefs, attitudes, pains, deformities, physical limitations – the whole gamut of my life so far, all of it has had an effect on my body.  Is this a choice I made before I arrived here as a way to experience pain or to punish myself in some way for a past life?  I can’t say for sure at this moment but it does made things more understandable.  This past year especially has been uncomfortable, a revelation, satisfying, enlightening and instructive.   Going within can be uncomfortable and upsetting but the end result is definitely worth it.  I am learning to love myself and find out I  am an amazing woman, not the loser I have felt I was for so many years.

Body Issues

December 5, 2011

I was down at the beach the other day, I had such a compulsion to be by the water and hear the waves slap against the sand. It is very soothing for me, reminds me of the summer nights in East Haven, CT. when we rented a townhouse across the street from the public beach.  As I lay in bed ready to sleep, I could hear the waves hitting the sand and it gently put me to sleep.  It was cloudy and the sun would peak through every once in awhile.  I was leaning against the wall and listening to the waves, my eyes closed.  A thought came back to to me that I either heard or read about a woman who said our bodies are the perfect size for our purpose in life.  Then came the thought that we are all magnificent and it occurred to me that this body of mine has to be this size to contain all of my magnificence.  Just then I felt the light and warmth of the sun on my face and I thought it was God smiling down because I finally “got it”.  But then in came ego with her “Oh, give me a break, the sun just happened to come out and you really aren’t all that magnificent”.  I realized I had a choice – listen to ego with her old familiar patterns of negativity or believe it was God smiling down on me.  It wasn’t a hard choice, just an unfamiliar one.  I told ego “Thanks for sharing but I’m not boarding that bus!   I choose  the other way , the positive loving way towards myself.”

I have had “body issues” all my life.  I can say I am Rubenesque or fluffy but the plain truth is I weight more than I need to carry.  I know with less weight it would be easier on my joints, I would look and feel better in my clothes and I would be able to wear clothes in my closet I haven’t been able to use for 2 or 3 years.  Heck, I could pretty much have a whole new wardrobe.  Unfortunately I still wouldn’t love and accept myself completely and unconditionally.  That is at the root of it.  I was an overweight middle child with two slender sisters.  I never really thought there was anything special about me, not the oldest or the youngest; not as good an artist as my older sister, not as smart in school as they were.  Yes, we are talking perception and somewhere my perception went in that direction.  In school it was harder, especially because for girls the pinnacle of success is attracting a boy.  Chalk one up on the minus side for me.  I got teased a lot and made fun of – I remember in high school some guy came up to me in the hall one day to say his buddy wanted to go to the dance with me.  That was a shock, so I think I said yes.  He went back to his buddies and they were killing themselves laughing.  My thought – what a chump to have believed it.  Chalk one more on the minus side.  I could go on and on but that isn’t the point of this.  (If it is a whinge, call me on it!)

I didn’t think I was lovable, how could I love myself?  I saw myself as fat, freckled, with glasses and very shy – not things that draw people to me.  Poor baby, victimhood started very young.  It was easier after high school, except the body issues were still there – even today.  What I am learning is that I don’t have to see myself in Madison Ave terms, there are other views that are so much better.  Let’s face it,we all can’t be Cindy Crawford, Jacklyn Smith or Vera Miles – I am me and that person, that woman is dynamite – she just has to love and believe in herself and celebrate what is so very special about her.  I have been receiving a set of email from Stephanie Rainbow Bell about loving yourself at any size.  She has a new website and it is so encouraging for those of us who are generously blessed in all areas of our bodies.  This piece was such a boost to me, I know it has been shared in many places.  Good on you Tara Lynn!  To love myself and believe in my talents isn’t being boastful, arrogant or egotistical (contrary to old messages) .  When I truly love every part of me, -including the negative bits, the hurts I caused, the stupid things I have done – when I am able to love myself completely, then some of this body issues and weight will not longer be an issue.  Louise Hay talks about that in her book “You Can Heal Your Life”.

I will admit those childhood and adult messages are still bouncing around inside, ready to discount any positive feelings, compliments or thoughts.  But now that I understand better what is happening, I am learning to make better choices and be more aware of not boarding that negative bus.  It is a learning process and I am a work in progress.  In rereading one of Stephanie’s emails, it really hit me with the idea of our bodies as containers for our magnificence.  She wrote:

When we’ve been around the block a few times as the odd one out because of how we look, we unconsciously begin to believe that we are defective as human beings because of our size.

Nothing could be farther from the Truth however!
Our bodies are not damaged, regardless of their size.  Our bodies are the vessels for our Divine Spirit and our Divine Spirit doesn’t really give a rat’s a$$ about our weight!

Our Spirits simply desired a way to expand their energetic experience by living it through a physical body!  Having arms and legs and hearts and heads gives us an opportunity to experience life as a means of expressing energy into form!  When you think about that for a minute, it’s pretty awesome right?

Can’t think of a better way to end this!


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