Posts Tagged ‘negative’

How do I see myself?

November 20, 2010

I have an overwhelming desire to whinge – as if I am the only one who has uncomfortable stuff to deal with.  But by whingeing to you, it relieves some of the pressure for me, but loads it on to you – something no one needs.  I know for most of the past 40 years that was mainly what I did, whinge and find that people would say how brave I was, wondering how I do all that I do with RA.  I suspect I put up a better front than I realized, they saw me in a very different way than I saw myself.  I know I spent many times thinking “If they only knew how scared and unsure I am, how clueless about so much!”.  But I can see now that I was reflecting my own insecurities and my own negative view of myself.

Which brings me to how I see myself – I am beginning to realize I have always had a negative view of me, that what I noticed growing up was what seemed wrong with me rather than being more aware of the positives.  I can say with conviction now that there are a lot of positives about, in and with me, just took longer to recognize them.  I also notice the negative view is on automatic pilot – I have to consciously stop myself and rewrite them.  Thanks to Ike Pono, I have begun to see where an event has happened, there was emotion, there is a memory and there was a decision – a negative one.  then gathering evidence that I was right in that decision.  I didn’t want to go back and visit those decisions, that evidence because it hurt too much – as if there was no other way or conclusion that could be drawn from it except the negative.

My hypnotherapy friend Kathie Brodie – The Baggage Handler – suggested I write out each incident as it happened and how I felt.  But then to rewrite it with a positive ending.  I used red ink for the “as it happened” piece,then regular black ink, because I didn’t have purple, to write a positive ending.  Yikes!  I couldn’t imagine how it could end positively, so it was quite a surprise and pleasure to find it writing itself and I was blown away by the result.  I must have gone into Pono when I wrote second version because I don’t consciously know where it came from.  So I did the next one – wasn’t quite as satisfying but really cool.  The third one also blew me away, this is cool!  These are to help me with self confidence and loving myself self, probably the main thing I need to learn about myself.

I am beginning to understand I have seen myself as not good enough, not measuring up  or lacking something that everyone else seemed to have had from birth.  Because I was and am overweight – Reubenesque or fluffy – I saw myself as unacceptable because I didn’t fit the mold of tall, blonde, slender, lovely, etc.  I felt I was too fat to fit the pigeon hole.  I felt inadequate because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, everyone else had goals ad career plans.  They were slender and pretty and had boyfriends and friends, all the things I wanted but didn’t think I had or was somehow missing something the others had.  Oh dear, as I look back at what I have written, it sounds as if I have a bad case of “oh-poor-me-osis” in full blown mode.  What I realize as I look back at growing up and going to school, I saw myself as inadequate, not good enough, maybe even not deserving.  Great foundation to build a life!  Now as I start writing about those upsetting incidents and then turning them into positive, I can see other parts of me and my life in much more positive ways rather than deciding it is just more evidence to prove my decision.  Now I can better see that little girl and be there to protect her and let her know she is loved and very lovable.  I can give her the support she didn’t think she had at the time and embrace her in loving kindness.

I see now that not only have I been seeing myself these days as limited, it has been that way all my life – other people do all these amazing things, have all the wonderful experiences, possessions and wonderful friend – but I don’t.  My view has been so fogged in by negative views of me and my life, I haven’t been able to let in the wonderful, positive ones.  Once in awhile I could see them in the distance when the fog would lift or part, but I didn’t see them as real and I didn’t believe them.  I am burning off the fog myself now, a bit at a time and allowing the sunshine and all the positive loving things, experiences and people in and believing they are true.  It is a new way to be and is taking time to put into motion, but it is happening.  I am becoming my contract  – “I am a healthy, powerful, inspiring woman courageously living my vision now”!

Lies. Damn lies and whoppers

March 26, 2010

In the last few years I have been turning my attention inward instead of  just concentrating on the physical.  For the first 35 years of RA, I spent my time looking at how to get rid of the pain and inflammation, then looked at causes other than virus or biological.  It hasn’t been an easy process because I have to take responsibility for much of it.  To quote Dr. Phil:  “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”.  It is so much easier to see myself as a victim sideswiped by RA for no reason – time to look deeper and see what has been going on.  One thing I have learned that was a surprise, my body is my healer, not my enemy.  All this time I felt she has betrayed me and made my life so much more difficult.    At last I am beginning to understand she has been shouting at me  to make me listen – too bad I have been deaf all this time.

For so long I felt my body was not really a part of me, more like a shell covering me and strangling me.   I often thought of myself as being trapped in a rusty suit of armor, that it wasn’t the real me.  If you looked inside you would see the real me trying desperately to get out.

I noticed a different train of thought one night when I couldn’t go back to sleep around 3, I had had a migraine and taken one of my bombers that leaves me wide awake until about 6.  I am not sure why I began to think about what is going on and what my body was trying to tell me, then  it hit me, she was trying to tell me Ego is trying to take charge and do her big pity party.  The more I thought about it, the more I wondered if that was the message – by golly, a while later I noticed the headache had gone.  When it happened again, I thought in terms of  my body as my alarm when Ego is trying to take over and I needed to be reminded I am not Ego.  Once again, it meant my headache left.

Hmmm, maybe I am on to something.  This morning I was  back in that boat – I have been having fewer and fewer headaches lately – but now a different train of thought.  If my body has been warning me with headaches,  has she been trying to tell me all these years that Ego is in charge and telling lies, damn lies and real whoppers about me and I have been believing them?  Has she been trying to get my attention with joint problems and pain?  Have I been so unaware of Ego that I just thought that was me living my life?

I have been unsure of myself most of my life – I started wearing glasses in the 3rd when no one else was; I have been Reubenesque all my life – the middle sister between 2 slender ones.  Did I only tune into the negative because Ego ruled and never heard the positives?  I was teased at school about my weight and glasses, last one to be picked for a team, feeling odd man out most of the time and not really a part of a group.  Boy, did Ego lap that up!

I will let it simmer on the back burner for a bit and see what begins to emerge.  I see there is a lot more to my early history as an influence on how I see myself – Carol Tuttle’s book “Remembering Wholeness” has really helped me see what is going on.  There is definitely more going on inside me and now that I have set an intention to know the truth about myself – sometimes a scary thought – it may be easier for me to be more objective than I have been in the past.  Maybe deep down my true self is an amazing woman – dare I hope so?


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