Gift of RA

I have an overwhelming desire to whinge – as if I am the only one who has uncomfortable stuff to deal with.  But by whingeing to you, it relieves some of the pressure for me, but loads it on to you – something no one needs.  I know for most of the past 40 years that was mainly what I did, whinge and find that people would say how brave I was, wondering how I do all that I do with RA.  I suspect I put up a better front than I realized, they saw me in a very different way than I saw myself.  I know I spent many times thinking “If they only knew how scared and unsure I am, how clueless about so much!”.  But I can see now that I was reflecting my own insecurities and my own negative view of myself.

Which brings me to how I see myself – I am beginning to realize I have always had a negative view of me, that what I noticed growing up was what seemed wrong with me rather than being more aware of the positives.  I can say with conviction now that there are a lot of positives about, in and with me, just took longer to recognize them.  I also notice the negative view is on automatic pilot – I have to consciously stop myself and rewrite them.  Thanks to Ike Pono, I have begun to see where an event has happened, there was emotion, there is a memory and there was a decision – a negative one.  then gathering evidence that I was right in that decision.  I didn’t want to go back and visit those decisions, that evidence because it hurt too much – as if there was no other way or conclusion that could be drawn from it except the negative.

My hypnotherapy friend Kathie Brodie – The Baggage Handler – suggested I write out each incident as it happened and how I felt.  But then to rewrite it with a positive ending.  I used red ink for the “as it happened” piece,then regular black ink, because I didn’t have purple, to write a positive ending.  Yikes!  I couldn’t imagine how it could end positively, so it was quite a surprise and pleasure to find it writing itself and I was blown away by the result.  I must have gone into Pono when I wrote second version because I don’t consciously know where it came from.  So I did the next one – wasn’t quite as satisfying but really cool.  The third one also blew me away, this is cool!  These are to help me with self confidence and loving myself self, probably the main thing I need to learn about myself.

I am beginning to understand I have seen myself as not good enough, not measuring up  or lacking something that everyone else seemed to have had from birth.  Because I was and am overweight – Reubenesque or fluffy – I saw myself as unacceptable because I didn’t fit the mold of tall, blonde, slender, lovely, etc.  I felt I was too fat to fit the pigeon hole.  I felt inadequate because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, everyone else had goals ad career plans.  They were slender and pretty and had boyfriends and friends, all the things I wanted but didn’t think I had or was somehow missing something the others had.  Oh dear, as I look back at what I have written, it sounds as if I have a bad case of “oh-poor-me-osis” in full blown mode.  What I realize as I look back at growing up and going to school, I saw myself as inadequate, not good enough, maybe even not deserving.  Great foundation to build a life!  Now as I start writing about those upsetting incidents and then turning them into positive, I can see other parts of me and my life in much more positive ways rather than deciding it is just more evidence to prove my decision.  Now I can better see that little girl and be there to protect her and let her know she is loved and very lovable.  I can give her the support she didn’t think she had at the time and embrace her in loving kindness.

I see now that not only have I been seeing myself these days as limited, it has been that way all my life – other people do all these amazing things, have all the wonderful experiences, possessions and wonderful friend – but I don’t.  My view has been so fogged in by negative views of me and my life, I haven’t been able to let in the wonderful, positive ones.  Once in awhile I could see them in the distance when the fog would lift or part, but I didn’t see them as real and I didn’t believe them.  I am burning off the fog myself now, a bit at a time and allowing the sunshine and all the positive loving things, experiences and people in and believing they are true.  It is a new way to be and is taking time to put into motion, but it is happening.  I am becoming my contract  – “I am a healthy, powerful, inspiring woman courageously living my vision now”!