Why Do I Have RA?


That’s a very good question, one I haven’t quite  understood after 43 years.  I talked to a medical intuitive a while back and she told me it was only my energy; I was hoping there was also someone else’s energy that could be cleared.  So it is all me – wonder what caused me to decide to experience it in this lifetime.

There is a quotation “Things are not done TO you, but FOR you”.  Well, that one takes some pondering – something I have spent a long time doing but not  really reaching any conclusions or answers.  Does that mean it is karma in some form, balancing out something from a past life?  I believe I have had past lives, though so far I haven’t remembered them myself.  Am I supposed to – is it necessary for this time on earth?  Sometime s I feel I have more questions than answers.

Is there something about my life that is overwhelming and I don’t know how to deal with it?Am I reluctant to take responsibility for things?  What things would that be?  Or is it for protection so I don’t have to deal with certain things “because I have RA”?  I realize I look at everything in terms of RA.  I see things I would like to do, but then see the physical obstacles that could prevent me because my joints aren’t always flexible.  I felt that way about riding the Duck, the steps were a little steep and somewhat difficult to navigate, but I went up and then back down.  Sometimes I am afraid to try – in case I fail and can’t actually do it.

Oh my, I can see I set myself up to fail by not giving something a try.  Part of it comes from feeling clumsy and awkward; I would rather not put myself in that position.  I also realize I am limiting myself – that I have put those limitations on myself.  I have felt clumsy and awkward most of my life, I was the overweight (not that much but enough) middle child between two slender sisters.  I don’t really know how it feels to be thinner.  I lost about 35 pounds when I was in junior college; now I realize I didn’t really believe it or feel it was really me.

Enough about that – it is the past and no longer something I want to focus my energy.  What just occurred to me is that RA may be possibly part of my Life Lesson and Life Purpose.  Maybe these are things I want to heal in this lifetime.  I was about to say “I think”  instead of stating it because I have always been like that.  One of my Life Lessons is standing up for myself, speaking my truth – at this point there isn’t an “I think” about it.  Another is taking back my power – what a wonderful discovery to realize I do have power when I always thought before that I didn’t have any.  What a concept!

I also realize I have had a very negative view of RA – it was done TO me.  I was an innocent victim sideswiped by RA – don’t think I can see it that way any more.  I have been writing about the gifts in RA, a much more positive view than in the beginning.  Anything to do with past lives, Spirit, etc. was not talked about because people who did were weird.  Heavy duty hocus pocus, woo woo and goofball stuff.  Yet that goofball stuff has really helped me, to understand a little better and also to take personal responsibility rather than continue seeing myself as a victim.

This seems a collection of random thoughts to me – I’m not sure it has logic or continuity to it.  As I write, thoughts come to me and I write them down.  It is one of those t imps where I am not sure where it is leading.  I admit to having to stop and wonder what to write next, then a thought comes and I start writing again.

I just thought of Louise Hay and what she wrote in her book “You Can Heal Your Life”.  She said that when you truly love yourself, things will sort themselves out – my words.  I have been focusing on two major things for quite a while – Loving Myself and Life Purpose.  So much of what goes on is a result of my thoughts and as she says “It’s just a thought and a thought can be changed”.   Also I have read and heard that what I am experiencing now is from thoughts not very long ago.  The problem I am having is recognizing what those thoughts are that continue RA and what the positives are to replace them.  I know a lot of those negative thoughts have been there for a very long time and it is hard to recognize them.

What surprises me is that my Mom’s dementia has brought some of the programs into the light so I can recognize them.  Then I realize how I have been operating with them all my life without knowing it.  I may not know yet the “Why” but I am learning ways to see what has been happening all my life; plus what and how I can change thoughts that once served me but are now invalid.  I am slowly creating new positive thoughts and patterns for this stage of my life.

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