Life has been rather eventful lately, after falling and being laid up for a while, I seem to have lost track of my life. NOTE TO SELF if you don’t write regularly, it’s not a blog. I was so caught up in how much it hurt to walk that it was hard to think of anything else. How could a small part of my body wreak such havoc? I have finally gotten back into my life again and am able to walk almost as I had before the fall; feels as if I am playing catchup. I spent 3 weeks of really difficult days barely making it to the bed, the chair and the bathroom – many times I wondered how long I could postpone getting up and trying to walk on the knee. I was sorry for myself at times, kept wondering why I didn’t stick to my policy of watching where I am stepping rather than watching where I am going. However, that is just beating myself up and what came out of that was negativity – I sometimes feel there is already an oversupply of that already.
The odd thing was, after a bit I began to wonder “What is the gift in this? What can I learn from it?”. Not my usual questions but Ike Pono has given me a different awareness now than I had before. As my last post showed, I have been thinking in a different way, though so far I haven’t been able to answer the “Who am I” question to a point where I can say “I know that I know”. One of these days. But I have been looking at things differently and have discovered a few other things that certainly bring more questions. I realize now I choose to know the truth about myself, before I was saying I am willing to know the truth. A subtle difference but now I am ready, rather than I think I am ready. I have been thinking of other times in my life where I was in a similar situation and how I thought about it. The section in Ike Pono about there is an event, an emotion, a memory and then decision, followed by gathering evidence to prove you are right – as in the example of the kid who decided he was stupid. I have been looking at the times when things happened and I once again confirmed I was unacceptable – this time as I remember them, I will write it down as it happened and then rewrite it in a positive way. That may take some real practice because I realize when I think of those times, it is always the same feelings, pictures and words in my mind – it takes some doing because I have thought of it in one way for so long that a different view or interpretation seems a lot harder. I figure the more I do it, the easier it will become with practice.
I had tea with a good friend the other week and she did an angel card reading for me – Yikes! She was spot on! There are two big things for me to work on, loving myself and my fear of being wrong. Now I know loving myself has been a big challenge all my life, over the years I have done pretty well on that one and there is still a lot left to do. The fear of being wrong was a hit in the face because I have realize I have been thinking and feeling it but never put it into specific words. It just hit me that it is part of not feeling acceptable – I have spent a lot of my life looking for approval and validation from other people so I would know I was right or had made the right decision. I realized a while ago that it was a gift from someone important in my life that I didn’t get the approval and validation I wanted so badly – it made me find it inside myself. Then I would not be constantly looking for it from other people because if those people are gone, what would I do? I would be constantly looking for someone to give approval. I can see the things that gave me joy, the enthusiasm and exuberance I felt and expressed but was squelched, seemed bad or unacceptable and of course that meant I was unacceptable. So if I made a “wrong” choice according to someone I craved approval from, once again I am not acceptable. I can see this could go round and round in circles until I drive myself crazy. Time to let it simmer on the back burner for a bit and see what comes up. It is amazing how putting it in words on paper can help clear things up or bring out other parts of the same thing.
I find it fascinating how I start at one point and by the end of the entry I am in an entirely different place. Oh my, I just realized my self-worth and loving myself is also tied up in all of this – like pulling a strand of a wadded up ball of tangled yarn and not knowing how it will all unravel. The good news is that I now know that whatever I find in the deepest part of my essence, it will be positive and loving – that god awful bitch on wheels was never there, it was just my fear and perception about who I was deep down. Ain’t that a kick in the head!
Gift of RA 