It’s been a Dr. Phil moment – he always asks “Do you want to be right or happy?”. I have just realized that I have wanted to be right , but unfortunately I didn’t realize that was what I was looking for in this context. I see now that I have wanted this person to acknowledge what was said and done, that it validates my assertion it actually happened. Only that person won’t even acknowledge anything was said or done, has no idea what I am talking about – then the kicker, I am just imagining it. Well, that phrase actually is the validation, the acknowledgement! Now that I look back, I wonder why it has been so important for that acknowledgement, maybe because that would mean there is now awareness and the situation will change and improve. Hello Self? Ain’t happening and now I see it is part of ego running things – she loves all that negative, victim stuff – not boarding that bus again! Well, at least not consciously. But it tells me a lot more about what is going on inside me, always a gift even when it is a bit uncomfortable.
Too much of my life has been looking for validation from other people, rather than the real place it comes from – inside myself. After over six decades – Yikes! Has it been that long? – I am finally beginning to understand it was right here inside me all along. The problem seems to be not trusting myself, not being sure of much of anything and looking outside for answers. I didn’t trust myself to know what my passions are, what my purpose is and all the important things. I have been too hung up on fitting in to belong, figuring out what career path in a sea of choices where nothing stands out. So much of it has been fear of making the wrong choice and being stuck with it for the rest of my life. Yet, as I look back, I have changed locations, interests, etc., the only thing I feel stuck with all this time is RA. Now that I didn’t feel I chose, yet, as I have been working through things – yep, I did choose it. I can now see my thoughts and perceptions have helped create it – I am working on understanding what those thoughts were and what triggered them. So much was insecurity and fear about who I am and what my purpose is for this life. Is RA a validation of some kind – first thought is validation for ego that I am a victim. I don’t think so!
In the book “Busting Loose From The Money Game”, he talks about we have all written the script to our life and we can change it any time. I pictured the hollowdeck in “Star Trek” – I always thought that was cool! It’s a bit unsettling to realize I wrote this script, so much easier to think myself a victim of circumstances. If I think I am right that I am a victim, I don’t have to take responsibility. Another Dr. Phil moment – “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”. What I found most interesting in the book is the author wants us to stop and appreciate what is written, give yourself credit for doing such a detailed and well written script before you write a new one. That is a whole lot better than beating myself up for doing such a lousy job, etc.
So it is time for me to let go of wanting to be right, to insist that someone who has said or done something to me must acknowledge it so I was right to be hurt and upset, that I am the good one. Unfortunately it doesn’t make me happy to be the good one, though ego revels in it. I am working on knowing who I am, my own worth and loving, accepting, approving and trusting myself. The Law of Allowing means dropping all judgments and all emotional attachments to what others are, have, say or do. That is where the rub is, I am emotionally attached to it and didn’t realize it. Eckhart Tolle says that things have meaning only when we put meaning or value on them. That’s going to take some work to “know that I know” that and be able to let pass by me. Though it is important to let someone know when what they say crosses my boundaries. Then I have to decide if it has value or not – that’s my decision.
Gift of RA 