Gift of RA

I was down at the beach the other day, I had such a compulsion to be by the water and hear the waves slap against the sand. It is very soothing for me, reminds me of the summer nights in East Haven, CT. when we rented a townhouse across the street from the public beach.  As I lay in bed ready to sleep, I could hear the waves hitting the sand and it gently put me to sleep.  It was cloudy and the sun would peak through every once in awhile.  I was leaning against the wall and listening to the waves, my eyes closed.  A thought came back to to me that I either heard or read about a woman who said our bodies are the perfect size for our purpose in life.  Then came the thought that we are all magnificent and it occurred to me that this body of mine has to be this size to contain all of my magnificence.  Just then I felt the light and warmth of the sun on my face and I thought it was God smiling down because I finally “got it”.  But then in came ego with her “Oh, give me a break, the sun just happened to come out and you really aren’t all that magnificent”.  I realized I had a choice – listen to ego with her old familiar patterns of negativity or believe it was God smiling down on me.  It wasn’t a hard choice, just an unfamiliar one.  I told ego “Thanks for sharing but I’m not boarding that bus!   I choose  the other way , the positive loving way towards myself.”

I have had “body issues” all my life.  I can say I am Rubenesque or fluffy but the plain truth is I weight more than I need to carry.  I know with less weight it would be easier on my joints, I would look and feel better in my clothes and I would be able to wear clothes in my closet I haven’t been able to use for 2 or 3 years.  Heck, I could pretty much have a whole new wardrobe.  Unfortunately I still wouldn’t love and accept myself completely and unconditionally.  That is at the root of it.  I was an overweight middle child with two slender sisters.  I never really thought there was anything special about me, not the oldest or the youngest; not as good an artist as my older sister, not as smart in school as they were.  Yes, we are talking perception and somewhere my perception went in that direction.  In school it was harder, especially because for girls the pinnacle of success is attracting a boy.  Chalk one up on the minus side for me.  I got teased a lot and made fun of – I remember in high school some guy came up to me in the hall one day to say his buddy wanted to go to the dance with me.  That was a shock, so I think I said yes.  He went back to his buddies and they were killing themselves laughing.  My thought – what a chump to have believed it.  Chalk one more on the minus side.  I could go on and on but that isn’t the point of this.  (If it is a whinge, call me on it!)

I didn’t think I was lovable, how could I love myself?  I saw myself as fat, freckled, with glasses and very shy – not things that draw people to me.  Poor baby, victimhood started very young.  It was easier after high school, except the body issues were still there – even today.  What I am learning is that I don’t have to see myself in Madison Ave terms, there are other views that are so much better.  Let’s face it,we all can’t be Cindy Crawford, Jacklyn Smith or Vera Miles – I am me and that person, that woman is dynamite – she just has to love and believe in herself and celebrate what is so very special about her.  I have been receiving a set of email from Stephanie Rainbow Bell about loving yourself at any size.  She has a new website and it is so encouraging for those of us who are generously blessed in all areas of our bodies.  This piece was such a boost to me, I know it has been shared in many places.  Good on you Tara Lynn!  To love myself and believe in my talents isn’t being boastful, arrogant or egotistical (contrary to old messages) .  When I truly love every part of me, -including the negative bits, the hurts I caused, the stupid things I have done – when I am able to love myself completely, then some of this body issues and weight will not longer be an issue.  Louise Hay talks about that in her book “You Can Heal Your Life”.

I will admit those childhood and adult messages are still bouncing around inside, ready to discount any positive feelings, compliments or thoughts.  But now that I understand better what is happening, I am learning to make better choices and be more aware of not boarding that negative bus.  It is a learning process and I am a work in progress.  In rereading one of Stephanie’s emails, it really hit me with the idea of our bodies as containers for our magnificence.  She wrote:

Tags: God, Louise Hay, Physical body, Thought

This entry was posted on December 5, 2011 at 9:32 am and is filed under Musings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.