The Greatest Sin

Friday was my last day at outpatient physical therapy – they said I had graduated after four weeks of 3 days a week.  I was surprised when Michael told me I had worked my ass off during therapy and didn’t refuse do things because it hurt.  That felt really good to hear, it has been over 3 months since I broke my hip and I am so grateful to be walking again.  The surgeon says it will take a good 8 months to heal, so I am  watching how I progress each day.  I will admit it has not been easy, especially in the beginning right after surgery and when I had a bad flare up because I wasn’t able to take Methotrexate for 3 weeks.  Yes, I did the work and I am proud of myself; the therapists were great helping me through each stage and showing me what I needed to do to recover.  It was a great joint effort and I am very grateful and appreciative of all the OT and PT therapists.  I won’t miss the work very much but I will miss my friends.  By the way, I went up to 10 resistance on the cross trainer last week – another personal goal met!  I am also so very glad to be mobile and independent again, I am free to go where and when I please instead of depending on others to give me a ride.  I am also very grateful and appreciative of everyone who gave me rides and really supported me all through this time.

I also went for my first deep tissue massage in 3 months – oh, did that feel good!  I have missed it, plus I missed Debye and Monty for their love and support and all that I learn from them.  I was really looking forward to my massage, not only for how good it feels but also whatever messages come from the Universe.  The message came right in the beginning – What is the greatest sin?  I was surprised to hear myself say “Not loving myself and beating myself up”.  Lord, I have spent my life doing both.  I haven’t loved myself because the perception of early negative messages, then the continuing negative messages from all sides.  As I lay on the table, I realized I believed those messages of not good enough, not acceptable, not pretty – you name it – because it came from people I thought of as being smarter, more talented, more successful, more whatever than I was.  Well, who made them the oracles in my eyes?  Why did I think I and my opinion was of lesser value than someone else’s?    I spent so much of my life beating myself up because I didn’t think I was good at anything.  The idea of thinking well of myself came  up against the old training of thinking well of myself means I am boasting, bragging and arrogant.  As I wrote that beginning paragraph about being proud of myself, I could feel that old program come up.  Earlier in the morning it came up when I looked in the mirror after I got out of the shower and looked myself straight in the eye and said “I love you”.  I just told ego “Thank You for sharing, I choose something different and positive.  It wasn’t as strong for the blog as it was for the mirror and now I find myself  saying quietly to myself – “You aren’t boasting or bragging, this is a statement of fact.”  It is important for me to learn to pat myself on the back for things, even when it feels as if it is no big deal.  I am learning to acknowledge my accomplishments, my abilities and my intuition much more often and  no longer letting ego run the show.

What amazes me is that since I fell and broke my hip, I have not run the scene over and over in my mind, looking at what I “should” have done, things I wish I would have done or blaming myself or anyone else for it.  That so amazes me because that is the typical way I have always done it in the past – kicking myself for not having done such and such.  It doesn’t feel as if it was a conscious effort not to do it, maybe I was too busy dealing with the consequences to think about it.  Whatever the reason, it is a lovely change in thinking and I set an intention of continuing to operate that way.  I know I have said I needed a break from care giving Mom, I was thinking of 2 weeks in a spa rather than a broken bone and 8 weeks in rehab.  Something Debye said has me thinking and wanting to know more – I broke the right hip, that is my masculine side and that it has broken some ties of dominance in my life.  I need her to tell me more so it makes sense to me – that I know that I know.  I think it is all part of knowing that one’s life is progressing or happening the way it needs to, that there are no accidents.  I have a lot more studying of this before I feel  able to write about it.

What I do know is that loving myself – every part of me – deeply, completely and without judgement is the most important way to healing.

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