Deep tissue massage with Debye has once again been an eye opener for me this week. She has been my cheering section for these many months and she hasn’t understood why I don’t pat myself on the back and be proud of what I have accomplished. I have realized I have only seen “big” things as accomplishments to be acknowledged; the little ones seemed to be no big deal, they were just things I needed to do. As an example, no pat on the back for keeping my body straight all week, the courage to keep going and digging down deeper and deeper, becoming more and more aware or asking and trusting my Angels for help.
I was surprised when she told me how much progress I have made, my body is much more flexible than when I started last June. Plus she is so amazed at how much more aware I am than when I started as well. From inside me, I feel I am not very far along – only because I am comparing myself to Debye and Monty. They have studied and had different life experiences than I have had, plus they have healing abilities and sight I have always felt I didn’t have. I have an automatic response to look outside myself and compare to someone who is farther advanced, travelled more than I have or has an advanced degree. I tend to discount what I have done, where I have been and most especially who I am – it’s no big deal. Pat on the back for recognizing it!
Is it childhood programs and training; society and what it values; not knowing who I am what my gifts are or just a matter of not having confidence in myself. Maybe it is something else entirely – I don’t quite know at this point. I tend to compare myself (usually unfavorably) to people who have achieved things of note, made a name for themselves and support themselves very well financially. Or to people with wonderful gifts that they were either born with or became aware as a result of a near death experience or catastrophic accident.
Over the past 40 years or so, people have often said how positive I am while having RA; how I do so much or that I am an inspiration. I have a tendency to discount it, not seeing myself as others do but as myself doing what I have to about RA and living my life. I realize some of that is childhood programs of not thinking well of myself because that is boasting or bragging. So seeing small accomplishments only as one more thing to do and big accomplishments as something to keep to myself or I will be boasting. How many kids have grown up with that same refrain?
It didn’t help to have a very talent older sister with great artistic talent. (I know she will read this and I’ll bet she will discount herself a bit – why is it so easy to see in others but not myself?) It isn’t anything to do with fault or anything like that – she has a talent and she worked hard to develop and refine it to the wonderful work it is now. I admire her so much and love to see her work. She is also a talented musician.
Then at the other end is my younger sister who sings, writes lyrics and music, as well as books and other things as well. Being in the middle sometimes feels as if I am out in left field without my own place. However, I know that is my perception, my feeling of not having anything special to offer or be. That is lack of confidence and insecurity – as an adult I have a lot better perspective. I see I have always tried to define myself as an artist of some kind, as if that is the only area to look towards. Looking back, I think I would have gone to the reference section of the library and start at the beginning and explore what was available, seeing what is out there and what piqued my interest.
It’s funny, I have always liked writing, but I felt stymied trying to think up characters and situations. I finally realized I like essays and opinions, what I am thinking and feeling or what is happening in my life. maybe I just feel comfortable because I just write down what is going on, I don’t have to think about. There are times when it is a serious piece, other times I like to write about either the funny things that happen or describe it in a more humorous way. I am learning I am a writer because I write – not because I have published anything that is a big seller.
Today I am more able and willing to pat myself on the back , whether it is for recognizing I am beginning to spiral down or that I have had the light bulb go on full tilt about I didn’t quite understand before or for an accomplishment, no matter the “size”. Too much ego and her negative ideas for so long – it is getting so much easier to see the positive in myself.
LET’S HEAR IT FOR A PAT ON THE BACK!
YOU ARE A BIG DEAL!!!
Tags: Alternative, big deal, childhood programs, Debye, Deep tissue massage, gifts, Massage, Monty, pat on the back, society's values
Gift of RA 
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