Posts Tagged ‘Alternative’

Is It Really “No Big Deal”?

April 6, 2014

Deep tissue massage with Debye has once again been an eye opener for me this week.  She has been my cheering section for these many months and she hasn’t understood why I don’t pat myself on the back and be proud of what I have accomplished.  I have realized I have only seen “big” things as accomplishments to be acknowledged; the little ones seemed to be no big deal, they were just things I needed to do.  As an example, no pat on the back for keeping my body straight all week, the courage to keep going and digging down deeper and deeper, becoming more and more aware or asking and trusting my Angels for help.

I was surprised when she told me how much progress I have made, my body is much more flexible than when I started last June.  Plus she is so amazed at how much more aware I am than when I started as well.  From inside me, I feel I am not very far along – only because I am comparing myself to Debye and Monty.  They have studied and had different life experiences than I have had, plus they have healing abilities and sight I have always felt I didn’t have.  I have an automatic response to look outside myself and compare  to someone who is farther advanced, travelled more than I have or has an advanced degree.  I tend to discount what I have done, where I have been and most especially who I am – it’s no big deal.  Pat on the back for recognizing it!

Is it childhood programs and training; society and what it values; not knowing who I am what my gifts are or just a matter of not having confidence in myself.  Maybe it is something else entirely – I don’t quite know at this point.   I tend to compare myself (usually unfavorably) to people who have achieved things of note, made a name for themselves and support themselves very well financially.  Or to people with wonderful gifts that they were either born with or became aware as a result of a near death experience or catastrophic accident.

Over the past 40 years or so, people have often said how positive I am while having RA; how I do so much or that I am an inspiration.  I have a tendency to discount it, not seeing myself as others do but as myself doing what I have to about RA and living my life.  I realize some of that is childhood programs of not thinking well of myself because that is boasting or bragging.  So seeing small accomplishments only as one more thing to do and big accomplishments as something to keep to myself or I will be boasting.  How many kids have grown up with that same refrain?

It didn’t help to have a very talent older sister with great artistic talent.  (I know she will read this and I’ll bet she will discount herself a bit – why is it so easy to see in others but not myself?)  It isn’t anything to do with fault or anything like that – she has a talent and she worked hard to develop and refine it to the wonderful work it is now.  I admire her so much and love to see her work.  She is also a talented musician.

Then at the other end is my younger sister who sings,  writes lyrics and music, as well as books and other things as well.  Being in the middle sometimes feels as if I am out in left field without my own place.  However, I know that is my perception, my feeling of not having anything special to offer or be.  That is lack of confidence and insecurity – as an adult I have a lot better perspective.  I see I have always tried to define myself as an artist of some kind, as if that is the only area to look towards.  Looking back, I think I would have gone to the reference section of the library and start at the beginning and explore what was available, seeing what is out there and what piqued my interest.

It’s funny, I have always liked writing, but I felt stymied trying to think up characters and situations.  I finally realized I like essays and opinions, what I am thinking and feeling or what is happening in my life.  maybe I just feel comfortable because I just write down what is going on, I don’t have to think about.  There are times when it is a serious piece, other times I like to write about either the funny things that happen or describe it in a more humorous way.  I am learning I am a writer because I write – not because I have published anything that is a big seller.

Today I am more able and willing to pat myself on the back , whether it is for recognizing I am beginning to spiral down or that I have had the light bulb go on full tilt about I didn’t quite understand before or for an accomplishment, no matter the “size”.  Too much ego and her negative ideas for so long – it is getting so much easier to see the positive in myself.








May 24, 2013

At last, the home equity loan is paid off, the money for our new kitchen is in the bank and Brad is already working on getting things going.  I am so glad I don’t have to deal with THAT bank again for a loan.  Mom still has her checking account there and we’ll probably just leave it.


Yesterday I picked up the check and went to BECU to deposit it in our new checking account.  I needed to have some money for Brad but they only gave me a very small bit, I can have more Monday and then by next Thursday it is all available.  I got some temporary checks to use until the proper ones came.  Feels so good to have it finally finished.  Now it will be about 3 or 4 weeks of camping without a kitchen for a while – we can deal with that.  I told Brad if there are times when it is better for me not to be here, just let me know and I will find somewhere to go.  We do have lead paint and I know the floor of the basement is asbestos, so that may make a difference.

That was my afternoon.  My morning was my massage – Debye is so excited about how straight I have become and the amount of the heavy energy in my body that is now gone.  I was definitely looking forward to this massage, such a wonderful part of my week.  Towards the end of the massage when I was on my back, she was working my tummy and I began to feel a finger on each of my cheeks – at first I thought it was Debye, but she wasn’t that close.  I had not felt that before and when we were finished, I asked her about it.  She said someone else had come to work on me with her, she sometimes knows when it happens, but often she is focused on what she is doing and isn’t aware.  She remembers one session when she was working on me and she could see a bearded man at the head of the table working on me but that was in a different lifetime and the person on the table was a young boy.  When she told me that, I had an immediate picture in my mind of the  man and the young boy in the room; she said she thought it was in the 16th century.

How cool is that!  I am finding I feel energy coming down through my crown chakra more and more these days.  It is happening right now and I am not connecting to Source to call down my God Force energy.  Sometimes I am now feeling a bit in my Third Eye and I have always felt so much in my Heart Chakra.  She tells me I am becoming more and more aware.  I love it, I send thanks and gratitude every time I feel it.

images       15126163-beauty-lotus-flower

7th or Crown Chakra Symbol            Symbolized by 1000 petal lotus

Another time we were finished and I was writing her a check while she went to use the bathroom.  She came out chuckling because she noticed another thing Spirit had done to let her know of its presence.  She put on a new roll and I was the first to use it, then Debye did.  She showed me that the top few layers had been pushed to one side – she knew it was straight the last time she went.  She says they like to do things like that to let her know they are with her.  She says they will pat her hair and  she is delighted to have their presence.

Today I went to see Mom in the morning – John and his crew are here taking out some stuff in the garden and Brad is meeting with the plumber here in the afternoon while Eddie goes to service his car.  I brought some things Mom needed, like toothpaste, body lotion, kleenex and body wash – plus I tucked in 3 cookies for her.  She was sitting in her wheel chair at the dining room table and was alert and doing well today.  She was pleased with the cookies and we also talked about boats.  She said something about seeing a boat go by with ladies (no clue what she was talking about) and I talked about the boat parade, our adventures with the Mukilteo hull and the Christmas ship.  She remembered some of it and then I mentioned boats in Waterford during summers.  Sometimes she talked about things but I couldn’t understand what she was saying, so I agreed with her.

John and his crew ground down the stump that used to be the cherry tree that was pushing over the garage, dug out the wisteria (yes, I know it has gorgeous flowers, but the tendrils drive me nuts) then the big forsythia at the corner and the sticker bush at the other corner in the front.  We talked with the plumber and Brad and it feels as if things are really getting started.

It has taken me all day to write this, it takes less time when I am alone but it has been an interesting day.  It feels as if we have a new beginning.

How have I defined healing?

November 14, 2010

When I fell several weeks ago and I asked my friend Kathie Brodie of The Baggage Handler for a healing, my definition of that healing was taking away all the pain from the fall and my knee.  When I didn’t feel anything different, I figured there was no healing.  However, was that the healing I needed at the moment, was that for my highest good?  Or was there something else  that was more important that I wasn’t even aware needed healing?  I realize so much of my focus has been on what hurts and how I can get rid of the pain – but is that how healing looks for me?  I have been expecting it to be a certain way and when it didn’t happen that specific way, I didn’t think anything had changed.  What I have been learning in Ike Pono is that things don’t always look the way I think they should (oh, there’s that word) look or be.  I am learning to simply be open, receptive, willing and unlimited, setting my intention for that and see what happens.  The difficulty with the RA is that I want the pain to go and my joints to be the way they were before; am I putting unrealistic expectations on myself and the Universe?

As a result of thinking about this, I can now see that I see myself as limited – in mobility, flexibility and energy.  Am I as limited as I think I am?  Let’s face it, it is a good reason and excuse not to venture out too much – I have limited energy.  It also frustrates the heck out me that I have a lot of things I want to do but feel I don’t have enough energy to accomplish them all.  I think I need large blocks of time and a lot of energy to accomplish things instead of planning and organizing my time to do small sections at a time in a consistent way to accomplish my goals.  Organizing my time, my office (that’s a whole story in itself!) myself and my mind set or view of myself.  Now it is easy to talk about it, plan it in my head, etc., something else to put into practice.  I notice I tend to see an event in the past, or a situation or a conversation only in the same way each time I think of it or something reminds me of it.  I have done that for so long that looking at it with a different view or perspective seems really difficult.  It is as if I have decided there is only one to see it and that has kept me stuck in many ways.  The muscles for seeing it in a different way are weak because I haven’t really used them much, so the more I do, the stronger they will be.  I suspect it is much easier to see myself as the victim and put upon rather than acknowledge where I have responsibility.  It didn’t happen in a vacuum and as Dr. Phil says “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”.  I was going to say where I was wrong or made wrong choices, but recently I found out one things that holds me back from manifestation is my fear of being wrong.  That is another essay for another day.

I have always thought of healing in terms of the RA – my definition of healing is finding the cause and making the changes needed to create health.  A cure is it is magically gone but not getting to the core issue,  it comes back because the core issue isn’t acknowledged or dealt with and resolved.  I can see now that healing has to do with mind, body and spirit as well as the past and the messages perceived as a result of incidents from childhood to adulthood.  A whole lot more to work with than just taking the pain from the body.  I remember thinking of my body as trapped in a rusty suit of armor – something that had no connection or relationship to me.  I said that if you looked in my eyes, you would see the real me in there yelling, screaming and fighting to get out.  I had divorced myself from my body and blamed it for everything – poor love, I see now she was trying to help me.  She is my healer and my waring system – she is trying to tell me something and I can’t hear, so she has to do something to get my attention.  Unfortunately, I still don’t know what she wants to tell me – or is it that I don’t want to know because it is too scary and means I might find out I have a part in it.  If I choose not to understand, then I don’t have to do anything and can “legitimately” complain, whinge and bitch about the situation.  After all, I am getting positive feedback about how brave I am, how amazing I can do as much as I do with RA.  That’s hard to give up for looking at what the truth is.  At that point, it was “You can’t handle the truth!”.  Certainly a scary proposition but now I am much more ready to know the truth about myself because I know that godawful bitch on wheels I thought lived inside of me isn’t real.  The real me is cool and a kickass warrior, I want to know this Lee a whole lot better.

P.S.  I always wonder where a post will go when I start it and if it makes sense at the end.


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