Posts Tagged ‘Physical therapy’

The Greatest Sin

June 10, 2012

Friday was my last day at outpatient physical therapy – they said I had graduated after four weeks of 3 days a week.  I was surprised when Michael told me I had worked my ass off during therapy and didn’t refuse do things because it hurt.  That felt really good to hear, it has been over 3 months since I broke my hip and I am so grateful to be walking again.  The surgeon says it will take a good 8 months to heal, so I am  watching how I progress each day.  I will admit it has not been easy, especially in the beginning right after surgery and when I had a bad flare up because I wasn’t able to take Methotrexate for 3 weeks.  Yes, I did the work and I am proud of myself; the therapists were great helping me through each stage and showing me what I needed to do to recover.  It was a great joint effort and I am very grateful and appreciative of all the OT and PT therapists.  I won’t miss the work very much but I will miss my friends.  By the way, I went up to 10 resistance on the cross trainer last week – another personal goal met!  I am also so very glad to be mobile and independent again, I am free to go where and when I please instead of depending on others to give me a ride.  I am also very grateful and appreciative of everyone who gave me rides and really supported me all through this time.

I also went for my first deep tissue massage in 3 months – oh, did that feel good!  I have missed it, plus I missed Debye and Monty for their love and support and all that I learn from them.  I was really looking forward to my massage, not only for how good it feels but also whatever messages come from the Universe.  The message came right in the beginning – What is the greatest sin?  I was surprised to hear myself say “Not loving myself and beating myself up”.  Lord, I have spent my life doing both.  I haven’t loved myself because the perception of early negative messages, then the continuing negative messages from all sides.  As I lay on the table, I realized I believed those messages of not good enough, not acceptable, not pretty – you name it – because it came from people I thought of as being smarter, more talented, more successful, more whatever than I was.  Well, who made them the oracles in my eyes?  Why did I think I and my opinion was of lesser value than someone else’s?    I spent so much of my life beating myself up because I didn’t think I was good at anything.  The idea of thinking well of myself came  up against the old training of thinking well of myself means I am boasting, bragging and arrogant.  As I wrote that beginning paragraph about being proud of myself, I could feel that old program come up.  Earlier in the morning it came up when I looked in the mirror after I got out of the shower and looked myself straight in the eye and said “I love you”.  I just told ego “Thank You for sharing, I choose something different and positive.  It wasn’t as strong for the blog as it was for the mirror and now I find myself  saying quietly to myself – “You aren’t boasting or bragging, this is a statement of fact.”  It is important for me to learn to pat myself on the back for things, even when it feels as if it is no big deal.  I am learning to acknowledge my accomplishments, my abilities and my intuition much more often and  no longer letting ego run the show.

What amazes me is that since I fell and broke my hip, I have not run the scene over and over in my mind, looking at what I “should” have done, things I wish I would have done or blaming myself or anyone else for it.  That so amazes me because that is the typical way I have always done it in the past – kicking myself for not having done such and such.  It doesn’t feel as if it was a conscious effort not to do it, maybe I was too busy dealing with the consequences to think about it.  Whatever the reason, it is a lovely change in thinking and I set an intention of continuing to operate that way.  I know I have said I needed a break from care giving Mom, I was thinking of 2 weeks in a spa rather than a broken bone and 8 weeks in rehab.  Something Debye said has me thinking and wanting to know more – I broke the right hip, that is my masculine side and that it has broken some ties of dominance in my life.  I need her to tell me more so it makes sense to me – that I know that I know.  I think it is all part of knowing that one’s life is progressing or happening the way it needs to, that there are no accidents.  I have a lot more studying of this before I feel  able to write about it.

What I do know is that loving myself – every part of me – deeply, completely and without judgement is the most important way to healing.

What A Difference A Week Makes

May 17, 2012

I have been living in a hotel for three weeks while our bathroom is remodeled.  It will have a stall shower, higher toilet, new sink and vanity, a lot more light and even an exhaust fan.  Unfortunately the hotel is costing more than we planned and also the stay for my Mom at the adult family home.  I am hoping we can all come home Saturday.  In the last 12 or 13 weeks I have spent 3 or 4 days at home, so in some ways it doesn’t feel I have been home at all.  However, since my fall and broken hip on February 24th, I have been able to walk again after 8 weeks of rehab and 2 weeks of out patient physical therapy.

Last week in therapy they started me walking with a cane and on Tuesday Michael wanted be to bring a cane for the next day.  My good friend Carol has been so great at taking me to therapy and breakfast club plus we stopped at Walgreen’s to check out canes.  Now I always thought if I ever had to use a cane, I would get an elegant, cool one – not this time.  However, I will be on the look out for a cool one from now on until I find the one that hits me.  Even so, the one I chose is good looking and sturdy, plus I can always bling it up a bit.  So now I am using the cane to walk around the hotel room – Michael wants me to get used to it and use the wheely walker for long trips or going into the grocery store.  it feels so good to be less encumbered, I even find myself walking without the cane in my room.  I still walk like Walter Brennan without a cane or walker – but it feels a little less than before – or is that wishful thinking.  I want to feel more confident with the cane before I go out in public with it – the walker makes me feel a little more secure at this point.

The other surprising thing is finding myself doing something I haven’t done for a long time – I was drying myself off and didn’t realize I had my foot on the toilet to dry my leg – it was as if my body took over and knows what she can and cannot do.  It felt so good!  I think I am more adventurous now instead of being timid when it comes to moving.  I can now turn over on my side and I even sleep on the right side – the repaired side.  I am also sleeping better the past few days, I don’t toss and turn and change positions so much.  I am sure Eddie will appreciate that since I kept waking him up when I had to move.

I am also more flexible and loose than I was – not hard to do since Ihave been very tight for quite awhile.  I want to find a very beginning Tai Chi class that also teaches the mind, body and spirit connection – it will be gentle but help me to loosen up all my tight muscles and tendons so I am more flexible.  I want to go back to my deep tissue massage as well as start back with my chiropractor – she helped open me as well and I miss not working with her.  And of course, it  is long past time to do something about my weight – I want to wear my clothes again and take some weight and stress off my joints.  Since I didn’t have much in the way of sugar for 8 weeks, it is a good time to let go of sugar and sweets.  I realize I have mostly gained belly fat – not easy to admit – though I see it in other places as well.  I had decided when I turned 60 that the last third of my life would be different – at 65 I see a lot of changes I have made in the last five years.  Always more to work on and not always comfortable, but I am determined to be the best I can be.

Two Weeks Out of Rehab

May 12, 2012

It’s been rather an upheaval since I came home from rehab – though today is a stellar day because it is our 43rd wedding anniversary.  When I think about what I was doing 43 years ago, I realize how young and inexperienced I was even though I thought I was terribly mature.  I often wonder how I would have handled living in Australia if I had today’s knowledge and experience.  It certainly made me grow up, plus Eddie and I developed a closeness in that tiny farming town that has lasted all these years.  Our life together has been interesting and challenging, I am so grateful Eddie chose to stay when I was diagnosed with RA, as well as all the other things we have had to face.  There are other men who would have left because they weren’t willing to deal with any of it.  So this is a doubly lovely anniversary.

When I left rehab, I came home to the house – I wasn’t sure how it was going to be getting around the house with the walker.   It turned out better than I expected, though I was moving very carefully and slowly.  Unfortunately I had been away 8 weeks and Mom had forgotten I lived there – also mostly had forgotten who I was.  For the next few days she seemed to treat me as if I was made of fine porcelain or spun glass, constantly asking if I was all right.  On Sunday we all packed up and left the house so Brad could start demolition in the bathroom.  We found an adult family home for Mom and I am living at a hotel at the airport – Eddie spends some nights with me and sometimes sleeps at the house – there is water for the bathroom downstairs.  However, we haven’t told Mom that because she would want to come home too.  She is not happy about being at the adult home but there isn’t anything we can do about it.  It looks as if it will be the end of next week before we can come back to the house.  We hated telling her when we saw her yesterday afternoon, she is bored and not happy there.

I am here at the hotel mostly by myself and no car – I can only go out if someone gives me a ride.  It’s hard to be dependent after being able to go and do whenever I want when I want.  Carol took me to Breakfast Club last Wednesday and this week after Breakfast Club I went to outpatient physical therapy.  Tuesday Pat Murray took me to my first outpatient therapy – driving a honking great Suburban that I had to climb into.  Then he picked me up in a VW Beetle – he had to pull me out of that one.  It was a bit hard asking for a ride but I have found they are are all quite happy to do it – they are true friends.  It was fun to go back and see friends at the gym, though it felt a bit different since I could leave when I was finished.  Tony did an assessment and I scored well on it – still things to strengthen and do so I am not dependent on the walker.  He had me walking without my walker – I did warn him I walk like Walter Brennan.  Unfortunately he didn’t know who that was, so I had to explain.  I did okay, then he had me walk with a cane around the circuit – out one door, down the hall and in the other door.  Rather an interesting experience.  On Wednesday I was working with Michael, helping me with balancing and strength along with stretching.  I don’t want to use the wheely walker for the rest of my life all the time, so I am determined to work as hard as possible to go on my own steam.

Staying at home was not as difficult as I thought it would be – Mom’s caregivers came and that made a big difference.  I want to continue that as long as possible so she has things going on for her and I can have some quiet time.  After 2 weeks in a hotel with no way to get around, I am frustrated as all get out, tired of feeling useless and helpless because I can’t drive and accomplish some things so Eddie doesn’t have to do everything.  I will see the surgeon on May 23rd, I hope he will give me the okay to drive.  I also think I may have to practice a little before  going out in traffic, it has been almost 3 months.  Yes, I know This Too Shall Pass, I’m just impatient for it to pass.

Eddie comes by most days after work, sometimes he is so tired and just sacks out at home.  It feels as if there are so many things that need to be done that we are running from here to there.  We seem to spent time eating out a lot, not the way we usually eat.


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