Too Beat To Rant


I have put this in the Emotions Category, though I’m not sure I have that much energy to rant and race about dealing with Mom.  I went to see her 4 times in the last week – last Tuesday, Friday, Sunday with Eddie for Mother’s Day and yesterday.  She has a couple of meds for depression as well as to help her sleep at night.  As a result, she is  kind of sleepy a lot of the time.  When I read or bring my iPad, she tends to doze, sometimes goes to sleep.  I also notice there are times when I see her, she isn’t  willing to really have a hug.  Other times she is very glad to see me and enjoys a back rub.  Yesterday She looked at me and so I said “I am your daughter Elizabeth”.  She  then knew who I was and was happy to have me there.

It’s so hard sometimes to visit her – at times I would rather not go at all – but I never want her to think I have abandoned her.  I see this woman in the adult family home and she resembles my Mom, but she is so different.  The Mom I knew is barely there.  As this process has progressed, it seems as I grow stronger, she diminishes.  I can’t fathom what it is like for her inside, especially since every person is different.  I was at the caregivers support group on Monday and I am glad I have that to help me deal with this whole dementia thing.

I am in the process of writing 2 books simultaneously – based on the blog posts I have written about RA and dementia. Before I did any post on dementia, I had done some writing (ranting) about what was going on and how frustrated, angry and  upset I was about the situation.  I never published them on the blog and as I read them while working on the book, I was amazed at the energy and emotion I had then.  (There’s a good reason I didn’t publish them – no whinge zone).

Things are very different now.  I don’t really have the need to rant, but maybe I need to just pour out my emotions about the current situation and cry if necessary.  I don’t seem to have the energy  to be worked up any more, it is more a sadness than frustration.  Some of it may be that I have a lot of my own things – physical – that I need to clean out; I also have stuff in my head that is no longer valid and that also needs to be cleared out.

If you aren’t into woo woo, goofball and hocus pocus, you may want to quit reading.

I talked to an intuitive a couple of weeks ago about what is holding me back from selling the furniture.  She told me I have a lot of Spirits around.  She saw 2 older women baking bread, a little boy who took her and showed her the puppies and there are cats and all kinds of spirits.  She also saw my Dad – he is here waiting for mom to finish what she needs to do here.  He loves her so much – I remember many times he would say “Your mother is the most wonderful woman in the world”.  He is pleased with me and loves me – he wanted to know if it was all right that he is here.  I said “Absolutely, I’m delighted to have him here”!

She suggested I call Paul and Jude at Whispering Dragon to have them clear them out.  I had heard about them before and wondered if it would a good idea to have them come.  The next item on my list.

I wonder if part of the fatigue is bumping into all the spirits here along with RA and dealing with Mom.  I also know if I keep thinking and saying out loud about being tired, the Universe sends whatever I focus on.  Instead, I need to create more  positive thoughts and words to change to positive – I am the only one who can do it.  I like Louise Hay’s quote “It’s only a thought, and a thought can be changed”.

 

 

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2 Responses to “Too Beat To Rant”

  1. Charlotte Trayer Says:

    I don’t recall ever feeling like I had to rant while my mother’s dementia was progressing, LIz, but I certainly cried! I remember, when she was still able to be at home, going to see her, and coming home and crying, and telling Ron, “I feel like I’m losing her twice, once now, mentally, and then I’ll lose her again when she dies.” And, of course, that’s how it was.

    I think you can take comfort in the fact that the progression of your emotions is not at all unusual. Dementia takes a toll on everyone, not the least of which is the family.

    As to the “hocus pocus” bit, I don’t believe in spirits (or ghosts) such as the “intuitive” told you about, but I do know that there are some things that happen for which there is no logical explanation. For instance, I know I heard my dad’s voice calling out “Hi dear, I’m here”, as he used to do when he visited my mother, after he died. I was semi-awake at the time, and perhaps some would say I dreamed it, but I’m not so sure….especially when you consider that, shortly after my mother died, I was ironing and I heard her singing the opening part of a duet she and dad used to sing years ago. I was definitely wide awake that time, and I definitely Heard her!!

    To my way of thinking, God was letting me know that mom and dad were okay and with Him now…..

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