What Is Stubborn?

February 21, 2013

This is the post I have been working on since Feb 10th – In many ways it still feels as if it is still a work in progress.  Isn’t that Life after all?

I ask the  question because I have been reading Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” and many of the things I am looking at have stubborn as the cause.  I don’t think of myself as stubborn – I check the dictionary and it says:  Having or showing dogged determination not to change one’s attitude or position on something, esp. in spite of good arguments or reasons…  Now is that really me?  Let’s face it, I feel as if I have spent my whole life doing what others wanted, not always willingly or with good grace.


Am I really stubborn?

However, the more I have thought about it, the more I wonder if it has to do with seeing myself as a victim – of RA, other people, circumstances, etc.  I have finally realized and understood that I have always felt I was an innocent victim sideswiped by RA for no reason – not quite accepted it or willing to admit it out loud much.  I have felt helpless and powerless a lot of my life because I now realize I gave my power away.  Who knew I had power?  What a revelation!  However, that victimhood belief has been in there for over 6 decades, going to take a while to dislodge and clear it out.  If not now, when?

In looking at just one entry for knee problems, she writes it is “Stubborn ego and pride. Inability to bend. Fear. Inflexibility. Won’t give in.”  I have been thinking I am not quite willing yet to actually give up being a victim – much too comfortable and familiar at this point.  Then I have to ask myself “What would happen if I did let it go?”.  That would be a radical attitude overhaul.  Then what would I replace it with as a positive attitude?  I have been in this same mentality for a long time, I am now on autopilot.  It takes a conscious effort to say “Thanks for sharing ego, I choose something different”.

I am getting better at noticing when ego pops in with her 2 cents worth, I hadn’t recognized before or even understood what was happening.  I have held on to all the hurts, anger and resentment of things people “did to me” – hugging them to myself as proof of what a victim I am and how mean people have been to me.  As Dr. Phil asks:  “How’s that working for you?”.  Not very well.  I don’t like feeling like a victim any more, it is too much of a powerless feeling now.  The curse of being a good girl, following the rules and doing what I’m told.  It is hard to break out of that at the moment, it is getting better and I am more often   I have to look this one up as well able to do and say what I want.

So holding on to victimhood, all the hurts, anger and resentments – is that where I am stubborn?  Or not loving myself in spite of all the evidence to the contrary?  Looking at things from the negative view rather than the positive?  At this point I am not sure if there is one definitive answer or a series of  different answers.  I am certainly open to any ideas or opinions to help clarify it.  I have probably gotten too close to it and overanalyzing again.  Maybe if I go take my shower and get dressed, it will seem clearer to me.


It is now 10 days later and it isn’t very clear yet.  I also got a message about being inflexible – another word from Louise Hay – I don’t quite see how I am inflexible.  It feels as if most of my life I have had to put my life on hold, cancel things or postpone because I had to do something for someone else.  Wouldn’t being inflexible mean I do my thing before I do anything for anyone else?  I have to go look this one up as well:

Not willing to change ideas, beliefs or decisions – Something or someone who is inflexible cannot or will not change or be altered, even if the situation changes.  Does not bend.


Inflexible? Don’t be ridiculous!

Hmm, I keep thinking that doesn’t sound like me – I feel as if I am easily persuaded and let people talk me into something.  When I know that I know something but I allow someone to talk me into something, I kick myself for not listening to my higher self.  There are many times when I don’t trust my higher self, that I still look to others for validation instead of from inside myself.

I suspect that both terms have more to do with my beliefs about myself than anything else.  I was hoping that as I thought about this and wrote about it, I would have a better idea what is happening so I can clear any negative energy and understand better.  I suspect I will have to put it back on the back burner again and check back in a while.  I would be open to any ideas or explanations.  I suspect I am still too close to it to be objective.

The Good Girl

February 12, 2012

I was brought up to be a good girl – follow the rules, be polite and let others go first, ask for permission to do something, be self-effacing because being confident and saying positive things about myself was boasting and bragging.  There is a big long list, you get the drift.  I am not saying this was all bad, just that some parts I have carried over my whole life without realizing they aren’t necessarily to my advantage any more.  The three of us girls had rules and they were always reinforced when necessary.  As a kid, that was good thing because we tested the limits to make sure they still held – it gave us security and stability.  As an adult, I hear Dr. Phil in my head – “How’s that working for you?”.  I look back at my life over 60+ years and I realized I have spent my life asking for permission to do things, to be sure what I want to do it “all right”.  That one hasn’t been working so well for as an adult because I realize I haven’t had confidence in myself  or trusted my instincts.  Asking for permission seemed to work for our parents for the two of older daughters – my younger sister would announce “I have done. . . . “.  Where did that come from and how did I miss that one?  Then again, spanking worked for the first two but not the third daughter, our parents had to find other ways with her.

So why didn’t I trust myself?  It was all that micromanaging and second guessing from our Mom.  She was doing it to protect us and would be horrified if she realized the results for our adult lives.  I am not sure what in her upbringing and childhood gave her such a fearful outlook about the world – we were taught that the world is a scary place, so make sure to be safe and secure before venturing out.  News Flash!  That is not always possible!  How does one take risks in life, explore the world and still be safe and secure?  I’m still looking for the answer to that one.  It meant that when I had that “I know that I know” about something, I still was hesitant to act – I had to clear it with someone to validate what I knew in my heart.  I have been afraid I would “get it wrong”.  It took me a long time to realize that was one way I gave away my power, now at 65 I am taking it back – it’s feels scary at times and I still doubt myself. I finally understand those seeds of doubt come from ego and she wants me scared and in the negative because then she is fully in control.  I am learning to say “Thank you for sharing, I choose something different”. I know she is trying to protect me (us), I just don’t want to live in fear any more.  I also know I can know something and still be talked into a different course that I know isn’t right for me – this listening and trusting my intuition is still new and I am working on going with my heart center even though it is scary and I am a little unsure.

I also know I want everyone to like me, then I know I am accepted.  I haven’t felt that way in very many situations – Ike Pono was one place where I was loved, accepted and supported in a non-judgmental community.  Boy, did that feel good – I felt so at home there.  I learned so much there and also contributed to it as well; we were all learning, no one “had it made”.  I was sorry when it ended, I want to find another community that has that same feeling of support and help where I can truly be myself.  I will admit it was uncomfortable at times, but so worth it.  As I have worked through things since then and especially with Debye and the deep tissue massage to unearth and resolve things bury way down since childhood, it can be uncomfortable too.   The difference now is that I am not beating myself up any more for what I have thought about myself all these years; it is making sense at last and helping me to become the person I have truly been all this time.  I not saying everyone needs to do it to resolve things, only that it has been one of the ways I have found that works for me.  It is more a matter of being willing to look at those uncomfortable things in life and find ways to come to terms with them.  I am only an expert about my own life.

I have realized all this insecurity has been a factor in having RA.  Louise Hay writes in her book “You Can Heal Your Life”  about the causes of different conditions.  For RA she wrote:  Deep criticism of authority.  Feeling put upon.  For arthritis it is:  Feeling unloved, Criticism, resentment.  Hmmmm.  Sounds a little too close to home for comfort.  Louise writes that when we love ourselves truly and completely, so many things disappear.  I haven’t loved myself, I’ve always felt there was something wrong with me, something unacceptable, that I was unlovable.  Still not sure exactly how that became my self view; what’s important is that I have begun to change that perception to one of love.  I have done a lot of work, still more to do but I am so encouraged I am willing to deal with the uncomfortable stuff.

It’s Just A Thought

June 20, 2010

I have been a big fan of Louise Hay for several years – ever since I found her book “You Can Heal Your Life”.  I checked it out of the library 4 or 5 times, then I knew this was a book I wanted to own.  When Christmas came around and my husband asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I had the answer ready.  One of the things that has stuck in my mind for a long time is when she talks about everything is a thought and a thought can be changed.  I read Eckart Tolle ‘s “The Power of Now” and began to understand that all we have is right this moment.  What we think and feel in this moment creates the next moment – looks as though I have been operating on such negative thoughts for so long, I am now at this point of uncomfortable RA.  So now it makes me stop and examine how I see myself, and have for 63 years – not a pretty sight.  I have always been overweight – fluffy or Reubenesque – and got teased about it all during school.  Not conducive to thinking well of myself and I realize I have carried it all through my life.  I have looked at what I can’t do, what hurts, what feels not possible – now I see that looking at all that I can do would have been so much more productive.  But society and “somebody else’s training” only focus on whether or not one “fits the mold” and when you don’t, there is something wrong with you.

What would happen if I started changing my view and focus to what I can do?  Hmmmm, a foreign thought that is now taking hold more and more.  I have changed my thinking a lot since my 3 Ike Pono weekends and now see  myself in a more positive light.  I am less likely to think I am responsible for the world and everyone’s happiness – I care but not so much because it is a choice to see the world in a particular way.  I know my body has some problems, but instead of focusing on my joints, tendons, muscles and ligaments that are stiff and not very flexible, look all the parts that are working very well.  I am so grateful to have my respiratory system working well so I can breathe, my digestive system works so I can put food in my body to keep it functioning, my urinary tract, my elimination systems, my blood flows really well every where in my body, my organs are doing well – I could be in a lot worse shape.  I am so grateful that after 39 years of this condition, I am still moving under my own power and I have all my factory installed parts.  I have had very little surgery and although I have deformities in my hands, feet, knees and other places, everything is still functioning well.

Instead of focusing on what I can’t do – like run,  do extreme yoga, not much energy or flexibility, etc., I can look at how well I can smell, taste, feel, hear, and see.  I would miss not being able to hear the sound of water falling, Puccini arias and the wonderful classical music; hearing my husband tell me he loves me, my clients tell me how great the order came out or listening to a cat purr.  Yes, I do love food and it tastes wonderful – no doubt a big reason it is hard to lose the extra weight.  I enjoy the smell of a bakery, of the lilacs, jasmine, salty air at the ocean and a newly mown lawn.  There is nothing like the soft fur of a cat, the feel of my husband when I hug him, the rain on my face and the warmth of covers on a cold night.  Nothing is more beautiful than a gorgeous sunrise and sunset – God brings out his paintbox and paints the sky in fabulous colors, or the lights of the city and watching the ocean waves crash onto the shore.  I would be lost if I couldn’t read or write – two great pleasures in my life.

I am married to a wonderful man, though at times he irritates me and I want to throw him out the window – no doubt he has times when he feels that way about me.  But for 41 years I have had the love of this terrific guy and I have loved him with all my heart.  There have been rough times, good times, unusual times and because of him, I have traveled to places I have always wanted to see and experienced so much.  I have gotten quite an education on Armenians, I had never heard of one before I met him.  I realize I don’t tell him often enough how much I appreciate him and all he has done for me.  We had been married a year and a half when I was diagnosed and he has stayed with me through it all.  Other men might have left, but my other half has continued to love me  and be with me even when it was a difficult life for both of us.  It has been a partnership and whenever he was promoted or went to a new company, I packed up the house and my life and started anew for the next adventure because I wanted to support him.  He has given my life richness and expanded my world more than I could have imagined.

So now it is long past due to concentrate on all the wonderful parts of my life and no longer allow ego to take control so she only focuses on the negative.  Yes, it is only a thought and thank goodness a thought can be changed.  I choose to change each negative thought that pops up into a positive one.


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