Gift of RA

After a great Ike Pono weekend, here I am hobbling around like a bent old woman.  I was invited to a networking group on Wednesday and as I was looking for the street number in this little plaza, I felt myself suddenly go forward and all I could think was “Shit, I’m going to hit the concrete”!  I landed on my left side and had some wind knocked out of me.  A very nice gentleman suddenly appeared and asked if I was okay – then some from other shops came out.  One wanted to call 911 but I don’t like a fuss and all my parts were moving, I didn’t break anything.  The first man was able to lift me up onto my feet and I walked into the restaurant, rather shaken.  At the end of the meeting (they will definitely remember me) I went to the ladies room and couldn’t believe how much my left knee hurt, like an ice pick was shoved all the way down into the middle of my knee.  I was able to hobble to my car with help, drove home and put an ice pack on the knee.  It was not one of my shining moments.  I usually look where I am stepping, not where I am going – except that day.

I have been hobbling around since, each day it is better in small increments, but it has definitely put a spanner in the works.  I can’t remember feeling this painful, yet what surprises me is how little bruising there is.  My elbow has a bruise around the outside and a day or so later I found another one on the inside of my right breast.  Both are quite lovely purple, but I will be glad when it goes from purple to yellow to gone.  At this point, I have no idea how long it will be before I can walk comfortably, or even without an ice pick in my knee.  There may be a reason for this, though I am still working on that.

A friend who is a hypnotherapist sent me a healing Thursday night – didn’t think of it until 3 am.  She sent the healing but nothing seemed to happen – I would have loved the whole body healed but I would have settled for just the damage from the fall.  I set an intention of being open, receptive, allowing and unlimited. She did it several times and it didn’t seem to help.  I emailed her to see if I was blocking it for some reason, I wanted it so much but it felt it was too good to be true.   This was her answer:

“Well, you may not like this but what I was getting is that it has become part of your identify.  I sent healings twice yesterday, once during the day and a full vision/body healing right before I went to bed.  I remembered to shield myself so I didn’t “get it” on my body.  So I don’t think you are blocking the healing, but see if this feels right … are you blocking change?  I know you say you want to do and be and go etc etc etc but my gut is telling me that if you let go of the suit of pain and inconvenience that you are wearing, then you would have to reinvent yourself.  Are you ready to do that, you warrior you?  Once in a while, all it takes is one person saying one thing and the light bulb goes on.  Don’t worry about how, just give it over and know that you no longer need to keep hurting yourself or you no longer need to be in pain or even minimally disabled.  You asked, and that’s what I’m getting. Also, the healings may be internal so you don’t feel that much. I usually get people, at the end of the session, saying they really feel much much better though. I’ll zap you again today. Just be open and curious. There is a lot of layers to get through so it may take a little longer than usual.  Okay, should I have sugar coated it?”

This is what I wrote back to her –  Thank you for giving me the straight scoop.  I have wondered a bit and the other day I saw a book by Byron Katie called “Who Would I be Without My Story?”.  I have asked who would I be without RA and for a long time I didn’t know.  Since this last weekend at Ike Pono, I realize without RA I am a healthy, powerful, inspiring woman living my vision now.  It has begun to make sense to me.  Also, the weekend before I was having a hard time, I felt as if there was a war going on inside me.  Bruce also told me I was dying and I needed to decide if I want to live.  I ended up doing an arrow with the goal of life and living.

I wouldn’t be surprised to know that Ego is holding on as hard as she can – she has been in charge for so long and doesn’t want to let go any part of control.  I have been thinking Ego is fighting my Authentic Self for control.  Strangely enough, for a long time I have been afraid to see what is deep down inside of me because I thought it had to be horribly negative.  But I am ready to see it because I know it isn’t as terrible as  I think.  RA has been my identity, even though I haven’t wanted to admit it.  I am doing better in loving myself and not beating myself up – I’ve been doing it for so long and it’s a hard habit to break.

Now it is time to work on finding my true identity, I have no idea where it will take me but I am curious and somewhat excited to find out.  Mostly it is knowing where to look, what I am looking for and certainly when I know I actually found it.  The Universe takes care of it, I don’t have to know the How.  I’ll keep you posted.