Posts Tagged ‘power’

The Good Girl

February 12, 2012

I was brought up to be a good girl – follow the rules, be polite and let others go first, ask for permission to do something, be self-effacing because being confident and saying positive things about myself was boasting and bragging.  There is a big long list, you get the drift.  I am not saying this was all bad, just that some parts I have carried over my whole life without realizing they aren’t necessarily to my advantage any more.  The three of us girls had rules and they were always reinforced when necessary.  As a kid, that was good thing because we tested the limits to make sure they still held – it gave us security and stability.  As an adult, I hear Dr. Phil in my head – “How’s that working for you?”.  I look back at my life over 60+ years and I realized I have spent my life asking for permission to do things, to be sure what I want to do it “all right”.  That one hasn’t been working so well for as an adult because I realize I haven’t had confidence in myself  or trusted my instincts.  Asking for permission seemed to work for our parents for the two of older daughters – my younger sister would announce “I have done. . . . “.  Where did that come from and how did I miss that one?  Then again, spanking worked for the first two but not the third daughter, our parents had to find other ways with her.

So why didn’t I trust myself?  It was all that micromanaging and second guessing from our Mom.  She was doing it to protect us and would be horrified if she realized the results for our adult lives.  I am not sure what in her upbringing and childhood gave her such a fearful outlook about the world – we were taught that the world is a scary place, so make sure to be safe and secure before venturing out.  News Flash!  That is not always possible!  How does one take risks in life, explore the world and still be safe and secure?  I’m still looking for the answer to that one.  It meant that when I had that “I know that I know” about something, I still was hesitant to act – I had to clear it with someone to validate what I knew in my heart.  I have been afraid I would “get it wrong”.  It took me a long time to realize that was one way I gave away my power, now at 65 I am taking it back – it’s feels scary at times and I still doubt myself. I finally understand those seeds of doubt come from ego and she wants me scared and in the negative because then she is fully in control.  I am learning to say “Thank you for sharing, I choose something different”. I know she is trying to protect me (us), I just don’t want to live in fear any more.  I also know I can know something and still be talked into a different course that I know isn’t right for me – this listening and trusting my intuition is still new and I am working on going with my heart center even though it is scary and I am a little unsure.

I also know I want everyone to like me, then I know I am accepted.  I haven’t felt that way in very many situations – Ike Pono was one place where I was loved, accepted and supported in a non-judgmental community.  Boy, did that feel good – I felt so at home there.  I learned so much there and also contributed to it as well; we were all learning, no one “had it made”.  I was sorry when it ended, I want to find another community that has that same feeling of support and help where I can truly be myself.  I will admit it was uncomfortable at times, but so worth it.  As I have worked through things since then and especially with Debye and the deep tissue massage to unearth and resolve things bury way down since childhood, it can be uncomfortable too.   The difference now is that I am not beating myself up any more for what I have thought about myself all these years; it is making sense at last and helping me to become the person I have truly been all this time.  I not saying everyone needs to do it to resolve things, only that it has been one of the ways I have found that works for me.  It is more a matter of being willing to look at those uncomfortable things in life and find ways to come to terms with them.  I am only an expert about my own life.

I have realized all this insecurity has been a factor in having RA.  Louise Hay writes in her book “You Can Heal Your Life”  about the causes of different conditions.  For RA she wrote:  Deep criticism of authority.  Feeling put upon.  For arthritis it is:  Feeling unloved, Criticism, resentment.  Hmmmm.  Sounds a little too close to home for comfort.  Louise writes that when we love ourselves truly and completely, so many things disappear.  I haven’t loved myself, I’ve always felt there was something wrong with me, something unacceptable, that I was unlovable.  Still not sure exactly how that became my self view; what’s important is that I have begun to change that perception to one of love.  I have done a lot of work, still more to do but I am so encouraged I am willing to deal with the uncomfortable stuff.

Powerless Or Powerful?

May 31, 2010

I have spent so much of my life feeling powerless, I never knew why or what I could do about it.  When RA arrived, I added helpless to my view of myself.  To me, power and being powerful always seemed as if powerful people were strong and bulldozed their way through whatever obstacles stood in their way.  As a highly sensitive person and brought up to be the “good, polite girl” I couldn’t see myself doing anything like that.  Lately I have begun to understand I have given away my power all this time – then came the question “How did I do that?”.  A foreign concept to a “good girl” because the “rules” said you had to play nice, be polite and as a girl, let the boy win.

Skip forward a few years and I read one of  Dr. Phil’s rules – “You teach people how to treat you”.  Once again, how did I do that?  Since I came from a background and lifetime of insecurity, not all that hard.  I ran across a list from Jenna Avery on how one gives one’s power away.  What an eye opener!

You give away your power when you …

  • Doubt yourself. Energetically other people sense this and take advantage of it.
  • Try to be nice and polite, and make everyone else happy.
  • Just go along so you don’t make waves, cause trouble, or disrupt the “peace.” Does the phrase “peace at any price” mean anything to you? Are you giving up your own personal inner peace to create the illusion of peace with others?
  • Over-empower others by looking for approval and validation from them, instead of getting it from yourself. This gives other people the power to hurt you.
  • Forget that you do know what you’re doing, and you are good at it.
  • Have poor boundaries.
  • Get energetically “mixed up” with other people by not staying in your own energy. Or, you let other people take over your energetic space by leaving your body or by pulling back.
  • Allow yourself to be intimidated by bluster, bragging, or emotional assaults from other people.
  • Don’t say what’s true for you and then honor it. You can do this without being confrontational.
  • Energetically and emotionally buy into other people’s dramas, emergencies, and aspersions.
  • Allow other people to run your life, or try to run other people’s lives.

Bullseye!  That has been me so much of the time.  It was not easy to read or to realize how much that described me, but it was a real eye opener.  It has taken time for it to simmer on the back burner and really see how I have allowed this to happen.  But I didn’t sit and beat myself up for not being aware of it before, normal SOP for a long time.  I have been able to see  a bit more objectively how it has happened and I now know I am not responsible for the whole world or making sure every one is happy.  I care, but not so much. (Thank you Ike Pono)  My biggest way of giving away my power has been looking for validation and approval from external sources.  Especially one in particular and it has been such a sore spot for so long.  But now I see that there is a gift in that – I finally realized that it has to come from within me, not from outside.  If it is from outside, when that source is no longer there, I have to find a new source.  When it comes from within me, it is always there and I love, accept, approve and trust myself.

Jenna has also given a list of ways to begin to take back your power:

  • Remember to breathe! Focus your breath into your solar plexus and third chakra, which is your personal power chakra.
  • Practice staying in your own energy, your own body, and your own skin.
  • Learn energy skills to strengthen your energetic and interpersonal boundaries.
  • See yourself as a whole, resourceful, and spiritual being, with your own best answers.When you choose to focus from the inside out in this way, you’ll be less susceptible to outside influence.
  • Learn to say “No” and mean it. This means being firm — and not just with the tough people, but with everyone. Your personal power must become your habit, not a reaction, afterthought, or counterattack.
  • Use your anger wisely — anger is the energy of personal power — and stand up for yourself.
  • Stand on the courage of your convictions. Believe in yourself no matter what anyone else does or says, or how they behave.
  • Ask for what you need and want. Give yourself what you need and want.
  • Similarly, don’t burden others with the task of validating you. Use your own yardstick to measure your successes. Look to your higher self for validation and approval.
  • Own this truth: Other people have their own path and you are not responsible for them. You might even be doing them a disservice by not acknowledging this.
  • Claim your rights and place in the world. You do have the right be treated respectfully by other people.
  • Be detached and practice detachment by observing other people’s behavior without attachment. Think to yourself: “Isn’t that interesting? I wonder what that’s about?” Remember that another person’s behavior has almost nothing to do with you.

Thank You Jenna Avery!  I have come a long way, still have a long way to go – a journey and a work in progress.


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