Posts Tagged ‘childhood’

Happy Birthday Ellen

May 4, 2014

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I knew Ellen’s birthday was coming up, but I have been so focused on myself that I let her birthday slip by.  I planned to do couple of things and then suddenly the time has slipped away to be on her birthday.  It will be a little late this year, but it is coming.  I have the coolest sisters and so appreciate them, they have been a great support as I have been taking care of Mom and her needs.  I wish they had been able to be here to see Mom when she had periods of recognizing her daughters.  Sometimes she knows me, sometimes I am a familiar presence.  Ellen sent more maple sugar candy for Mother’s Day, Mom really enjoys them.

Ellen has a gift for choosing just the right gift for giving, I wonder how she does it.  I remember one Christmas, she gave us a pair of the coolest scissors – I have used them for quilting, sewing and all kinds of things.  They cut so smoothly and easily, they are my favorite pair.  It was unexpected and turned out to be a wonderful choice.

Ellen is my older sister, the one I played stick horses with when we lived in Southern California.  She is 4 years older than I am but that didn’t seem to be a big gap when I was up to age 7.  First it was just a square stick with rope tied at the end for reins, then later Dad made heads for the sticks.  I called mine Scout – probably after Tonto’s Scout.  I can’t remember what Ellen named hers.  We loved them and had a wonderful time playing with them.  When we were moving up to Seattle, for some reason Dad wouldn’t let us take them.  We never quite figured out why – they weren’t all that big.  We both were upset and decided to put them behind the garage when we left.  I wonder if anyone ever found them.

She did have friends on our block more her age, but I also remember we spent a lot time together.  I am sure she remembers Betsy, hot dogs and cheese.  I remember my Dad bought Betsy – don’t ask me what year or model car she was – and he took us out for a drive.  We all sat in the front seat and we realized there were a couple of floorboards missing.  I think we went through a puddle and got splashed, but I am not sure.

I have a vague memory of a show we put on with the some of the neighborhood kids, but that’s about all.  Maybe she remembers better than I do.  There was a game called “Kick the Can” the kids played.  There was a coffee can filled with water flowers and who knows what other debris;  we went around in a circle with our eyes closed and whoever kicked the can over had to do something.  Usually it was run up to someone’s door, ring the bell and run away.  I remember only playing a couple of times.

When moved up here to Seattle, suddenly Ellen seemed so much older.  We went to Madrona grade school about 2 months before the year ended – I was in 2nd grade and she was in 5th grade.   I had gone to school a year early, so I was 3 grades behind her rather than 4..  We went to Madrona another year and then moved to this house.  Ellen started junior high (7th grade) and I went into 4th grade – 2 different schools and the age difference really seemed wide.

Ellen has always been a wonderful artist and I watched her do her homework for the Famous Artist Course.  It was a 3 year home study course, I admired her talent and ability.  She is an amazing artist and has been taking photos in Ocean Grove, New Jersey, for several years.  She has also done some paintings from those photos.

She was married and then I left for Australia to be married, so we didn’t see each other for a long time.  I would come and visit here, either by myself or with Eddie and she would come to see us.  It’s funny (peculiar) how the gap seems to widen between us until the last few years.  There is something about getting older that narrows the gap so I feel there isn’t such a gap.  All three sisters have had very different lives, but now my sisters seem so much closer even though we live far away from each other.

I did vist Ellen in Ocean Grove about 9 or 10 years ago – I went to visit my head office for my promotional marketing business and since they are in New Jersey, I just took the Garden State Parkway down to Ocean Grove to spend a few days with Ellen.  I’m so glad I did; I would like to do it again and also visit Candy in Nashville.

Happy Belated

Birthday Ellen!

The Good Girl

February 12, 2012

I was brought up to be a good girl – follow the rules, be polite and let others go first, ask for permission to do something, be self-effacing because being confident and saying positive things about myself was boasting and bragging.  There is a big long list, you get the drift.  I am not saying this was all bad, just that some parts I have carried over my whole life without realizing they aren’t necessarily to my advantage any more.  The three of us girls had rules and they were always reinforced when necessary.  As a kid, that was good thing because we tested the limits to make sure they still held – it gave us security and stability.  As an adult, I hear Dr. Phil in my head – “How’s that working for you?”.  I look back at my life over 60+ years and I realized I have spent my life asking for permission to do things, to be sure what I want to do it “all right”.  That one hasn’t been working so well for as an adult because I realize I haven’t had confidence in myself  or trusted my instincts.  Asking for permission seemed to work for our parents for the two of older daughters – my younger sister would announce “I have done. . . . “.  Where did that come from and how did I miss that one?  Then again, spanking worked for the first two but not the third daughter, our parents had to find other ways with her.

So why didn’t I trust myself?  It was all that micromanaging and second guessing from our Mom.  She was doing it to protect us and would be horrified if she realized the results for our adult lives.  I am not sure what in her upbringing and childhood gave her such a fearful outlook about the world – we were taught that the world is a scary place, so make sure to be safe and secure before venturing out.  News Flash!  That is not always possible!  How does one take risks in life, explore the world and still be safe and secure?  I’m still looking for the answer to that one.  It meant that when I had that “I know that I know” about something, I still was hesitant to act – I had to clear it with someone to validate what I knew in my heart.  I have been afraid I would “get it wrong”.  It took me a long time to realize that was one way I gave away my power, now at 65 I am taking it back – it’s feels scary at times and I still doubt myself. I finally understand those seeds of doubt come from ego and she wants me scared and in the negative because then she is fully in control.  I am learning to say “Thank you for sharing, I choose something different”. I know she is trying to protect me (us), I just don’t want to live in fear any more.  I also know I can know something and still be talked into a different course that I know isn’t right for me – this listening and trusting my intuition is still new and I am working on going with my heart center even though it is scary and I am a little unsure.

I also know I want everyone to like me, then I know I am accepted.  I haven’t felt that way in very many situations – Ike Pono was one place where I was loved, accepted and supported in a non-judgmental community.  Boy, did that feel good – I felt so at home there.  I learned so much there and also contributed to it as well; we were all learning, no one “had it made”.  I was sorry when it ended, I want to find another community that has that same feeling of support and help where I can truly be myself.  I will admit it was uncomfortable at times, but so worth it.  As I have worked through things since then and especially with Debye and the deep tissue massage to unearth and resolve things bury way down since childhood, it can be uncomfortable too.   The difference now is that I am not beating myself up any more for what I have thought about myself all these years; it is making sense at last and helping me to become the person I have truly been all this time.  I not saying everyone needs to do it to resolve things, only that it has been one of the ways I have found that works for me.  It is more a matter of being willing to look at those uncomfortable things in life and find ways to come to terms with them.  I am only an expert about my own life.

I have realized all this insecurity has been a factor in having RA.  Louise Hay writes in her book “You Can Heal Your Life”  about the causes of different conditions.  For RA she wrote:  Deep criticism of authority.  Feeling put upon.  For arthritis it is:  Feeling unloved, Criticism, resentment.  Hmmmm.  Sounds a little too close to home for comfort.  Louise writes that when we love ourselves truly and completely, so many things disappear.  I haven’t loved myself, I’ve always felt there was something wrong with me, something unacceptable, that I was unlovable.  Still not sure exactly how that became my self view; what’s important is that I have begun to change that perception to one of love.  I have done a lot of work, still more to do but I am so encouraged I am willing to deal with the uncomfortable stuff.


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