Posts Tagged ‘Healing’

How have I defined healing?

November 14, 2010

When I fell several weeks ago and I asked my friend Kathie Brodie of The Baggage Handler for a healing, my definition of that healing was taking away all the pain from the fall and my knee.  When I didn’t feel anything different, I figured there was no healing.  However, was that the healing I needed at the moment, was that for my highest good?  Or was there something else  that was more important that I wasn’t even aware needed healing?  I realize so much of my focus has been on what hurts and how I can get rid of the pain – but is that how healing looks for me?  I have been expecting it to be a certain way and when it didn’t happen that specific way, I didn’t think anything had changed.  What I have been learning in Ike Pono is that things don’t always look the way I think they should (oh, there’s that word) look or be.  I am learning to simply be open, receptive, willing and unlimited, setting my intention for that and see what happens.  The difficulty with the RA is that I want the pain to go and my joints to be the way they were before; am I putting unrealistic expectations on myself and the Universe?

As a result of thinking about this, I can now see that I see myself as limited – in mobility, flexibility and energy.  Am I as limited as I think I am?  Let’s face it, it is a good reason and excuse not to venture out too much – I have limited energy.  It also frustrates the heck out me that I have a lot of things I want to do but feel I don’t have enough energy to accomplish them all.  I think I need large blocks of time and a lot of energy to accomplish things instead of planning and organizing my time to do small sections at a time in a consistent way to accomplish my goals.  Organizing my time, my office (that’s a whole story in itself!) myself and my mind set or view of myself.  Now it is easy to talk about it, plan it in my head, etc., something else to put into practice.  I notice I tend to see an event in the past, or a situation or a conversation only in the same way each time I think of it or something reminds me of it.  I have done that for so long that looking at it with a different view or perspective seems really difficult.  It is as if I have decided there is only one to see it and that has kept me stuck in many ways.  The muscles for seeing it in a different way are weak because I haven’t really used them much, so the more I do, the stronger they will be.  I suspect it is much easier to see myself as the victim and put upon rather than acknowledge where I have responsibility.  It didn’t happen in a vacuum and as Dr. Phil says “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”.  I was going to say where I was wrong or made wrong choices, but recently I found out one things that holds me back from manifestation is my fear of being wrong.  That is another essay for another day.

I have always thought of healing in terms of the RA – my definition of healing is finding the cause and making the changes needed to create health.  A cure is it is magically gone but not getting to the core issue,  it comes back because the core issue isn’t acknowledged or dealt with and resolved.  I can see now that healing has to do with mind, body and spirit as well as the past and the messages perceived as a result of incidents from childhood to adulthood.  A whole lot more to work with than just taking the pain from the body.  I remember thinking of my body as trapped in a rusty suit of armor – something that had no connection or relationship to me.  I said that if you looked in my eyes, you would see the real me in there yelling, screaming and fighting to get out.  I had divorced myself from my body and blamed it for everything – poor love, I see now she was trying to help me.  She is my healer and my waring system – she is trying to tell me something and I can’t hear, so she has to do something to get my attention.  Unfortunately, I still don’t know what she wants to tell me – or is it that I don’t want to know because it is too scary and means I might find out I have a part in it.  If I choose not to understand, then I don’t have to do anything and can “legitimately” complain, whinge and bitch about the situation.  After all, I am getting positive feedback about how brave I am, how amazing I can do as much as I do with RA.  That’s hard to give up for looking at what the truth is.  At that point, it was “You can’t handle the truth!”.  Certainly a scary proposition but now I am much more ready to know the truth about myself because I know that godawful bitch on wheels I thought lived inside of me isn’t real.  The real me is cool and a kickass warrior, I want to know this Lee a whole lot better.

P.S.  I always wonder where a post will go when I start it and if it makes sense at the end.

Funny You Mention That

September 26, 2010

After a great Ike Pono weekend, here I am hobbling around like a bent old woman.  I was invited to a networking group on Wednesday and as I was looking for the street number in this little plaza, I felt myself suddenly go forward and all I could think was “Shit, I’m going to hit the concrete”!  I landed on my left side and had some wind knocked out of me.  A very nice gentleman suddenly appeared and asked if I was okay – then some from other shops came out.  One wanted to call 911 but I don’t like a fuss and all my parts were moving, I didn’t break anything.  The first man was able to lift me up onto my feet and I walked into the restaurant, rather shaken.  At the end of the meeting (they will definitely remember me) I went to the ladies room and couldn’t believe how much my left knee hurt, like an ice pick was shoved all the way down into the middle of my knee.  I was able to hobble to my car with help, drove home and put an ice pack on the knee.  It was not one of my shining moments.  I usually look where I am stepping, not where I am going – except that day.

I have been hobbling around since, each day it is better in small increments, but it has definitely put a spanner in the works.  I can’t remember feeling this painful, yet what surprises me is how little bruising there is.  My elbow has a bruise around the outside and a day or so later I found another one on the inside of my right breast.  Both are quite lovely purple, but I will be glad when it goes from purple to yellow to gone.  At this point, I have no idea how long it will be before I can walk comfortably, or even without an ice pick in my knee.  There may be a reason for this, though I am still working on that.

A friend who is a hypnotherapist sent me a healing Thursday night – didn’t think of it until 3 am.  She sent the healing but nothing seemed to happen – I would have loved the whole body healed but I would have settled for just the damage from the fall.  I set an intention of being open, receptive, allowing and unlimited. She did it several times and it didn’t seem to help.  I emailed her to see if I was blocking it for some reason, I wanted it so much but it felt it was too good to be true.   This was her answer:

“Well, you may not like this but what I was getting is that it has become part of your identify.  I sent healings twice yesterday, once during the day and a full vision/body healing right before I went to bed.  I remembered to shield myself so I didn’t “get it” on my body.  So I don’t think you are blocking the healing, but see if this feels right … are you blocking change?  I know you say you want to do and be and go etc etc etc but my gut is telling me that if you let go of the suit of pain and inconvenience that you are wearing, then you would have to reinvent yourself.  Are you ready to do that, you warrior you?  Once in a while, all it takes is one person saying one thing and the light bulb goes on.  Don’t worry about how, just give it over and know that you no longer need to keep hurting yourself or you no longer need to be in pain or even minimally disabled.  You asked, and that’s what I’m getting. Also, the healings may be internal so you don’t feel that much. I usually get people, at the end of the session, saying they really feel much much better though. I’ll zap you again today. Just be open and curious. There is a lot of layers to get through so it may take a little longer than usual.  Okay, should I have sugar coated it?”

This is what I wrote back to her –  Thank you for giving me the straight scoop.  I have wondered a bit and the other day I saw a book by Byron Katie called “Who Would I be Without My Story?”.  I have asked who would I be without RA and for a long time I didn’t know.  Since this last weekend at Ike Pono, I realize without RA I am a healthy, powerful, inspiring woman living my vision now.  It has begun to make sense to me.  Also, the weekend before I was having a hard time, I felt as if there was a war going on inside me.  Bruce also told me I was dying and I needed to decide if I want to live.  I ended up doing an arrow with the goal of life and living.

I wouldn’t be surprised to know that Ego is holding on as hard as she can – she has been in charge for so long and doesn’t want to let go any part of control.  I have been thinking Ego is fighting my Authentic Self for control.  Strangely enough, for a long time I have been afraid to see what is deep down inside of me because I thought it had to be horribly negative.  But I am ready to see it because I know it isn’t as terrible as  I think.  RA has been my identity, even though I haven’t wanted to admit it.  I am doing better in loving myself and not beating myself up – I’ve been doing it for so long and it’s a hard habit to break.

Now it is time to work on finding my true identity, I have no idea where it will take me but I am curious and somewhat excited to find out.  Mostly it is knowing where to look, what I am looking for and certainly when I know I actually found it.  The Universe takes care of it, I don’t have to know the How.  I’ll keep you posted.


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