Gift of RA

Don’t Feed The Monkey!

January 16, 2011

It’s been one of those weekends when I have been in resentment more than I want to be. I have a couple of situations that I am dealing with that can really get to me if I allow it. And you know who loves it when I allow myself to be angry, resentful and generally negative, you guessed it – ego. She loves it because she is the monkey mind that wants things to be the absolute worst so she can control it all and revel in it. She also is so damn sneaky that I don’t know she is creeping into control until I am ready to burst. Some days I don’t have the energy or the strength to tell her “I see you, I see what you are doing.” As Eckert Tolle said in his book “The New Earth”, ego loses strength just by my being aware and observing what is happening. Now I am beginning to see what she is doing and I start to think “What familiar pattern is this?”.

I was ready to head out to the car and scream my lungs out today and yesterday because I was frustrated. Most days I can deal with it and notice the patterns and be able to let it roll off my back. But for some reason I haven’t been able to do it this week. 2 or 3 three comments at different time just hit me wrong and I wasn’t able to stay objective – I went into victim mode and fed the monkey a huge meal. One of the exercises we do at Ike Pono has to do with showing how we assign significance to things where there is no significance. It’s all a story we make up about a situation. It is an exercise that does piss some people off and when it is finished, they are asked what the purpose of the exercise was. They come up with all kinds of answers except the real answer. It does make them start thinking about times in their life where they made up a story about something that didn’t actually have a story. Now I know this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense unless you have taken the weekend – I don’t talk about the exercises because they have a sequence and it would take them out of context to describe them. All those stories we make up feed the monkey.

I have to admit, I have fed the monkey a feast this weekend, but it doesn’t mean I am going to beat myself up – more food for the monkey. I see patterns from my life and how I have always reacted – time to change those patterns and viewpoint to a positive one. How easy to say it or write it but not all that easy to do. I feel attacked and insulted for no reason, other times I feel I am not heard or valued. Is it actually true or a story I made up to feel justified if I struck back in retaliation? I can think of times when I did it back just so that person would know how it felt. But it didn’t really work, just made the other person angry and more mean. I felt powerless and helpless – don’t like feeling that at all.

Plus, yesterday was my birthday and I wanted to feel like a princess with everything sunshine and smiles. It is my only 64th birthday and I wanted it to be “perfect”. It is an unreachable outcome for things to be “perfect” – ask all the bridezillas out there. Maybe just feel a bit more special than usual for my birthday. Now I have to say, my husband brought me flowers, took me to dinner and generally made feel very loved so that princess part was just about there. So what is my excuse today? I’m working on not feeding the monkey today, it is taking all my angels and Spirit to work in me to change my attitude. Actually, this is one of those times when I need an attitude overhaul rather than just an adjustment.

As I think about being resentful, I realize no one else is really aware of it or even cares because they are all caught up in their own stories from their point of view. I have to constantly remind myself that the after effects are on me, my body and my frame of mind. By sitting and stewing about it, playing the victim just continually feeds the monkey. It will take some time to remember when I get this way that it is not worth it and tell myself

“DON’T FEED THE MONKEY”.

Tags: Ego, feeding the monkey, life patterns, monkey mind
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The Inner Critic

January 10, 2011

Oh my, we all have one, don’t we? Some have a stronger one than others and I have to admit, I have allowed her to be much too strong. I have handed her the sledge hammer she uses to beat me up – I just stand there and let her do her worst. Why? Well, for so long I thought I deserved it – but I now realize those are only programs that I didn’t realize were there or understand what was happening. Yes, I am now more aware – I have also invited her to beat me up because I believed all those negative things abut myself.

I heard a story the other day about The Inner Critic that was so cool and unexpected. Her name is SARK – she is a writer and also creates posters and cards. She tells about doing a show as she is promoting her new book and when she was finished, she heard her inner critic telling her how bad it was, etc. She felt bogged down by it and knew she had to do something because she has other interviews and events that day. As she walked out the front door of the studio, she saw a squad car and a police officer. She went over to him and asked if he would do her a favor. She explained what had just happened and asked him if he would arrest her inner critic and take her away in his squad car. He was a little surprised, but he arrested her inner critic, opened the back door of the squad and put her and drove off – laughing. Then SARK was able to go on to her events with out her inner critic hanging over her head.

WOW! I loved that! As a matter of fact, I was coming home that day and stopped for gas. it’s been cold here for a bit – yes, cold to us, not the Arctic Circle. As I was filling my gas tank, I started thinking “I’m so tired of the cold”. I realized that was really negative I decided to arrest my inner critic. I imagined an arrest warrant, then the squad car and putting her inside, shutting the door and watching her be driven away. After that I thought about what is great about the cold weather – being inside warm and dry by a fire, reading with a lovely hot cup of tea and a cat purring in my lap. I also thought about going out early Wednesday mornings to my networking breakfast group and seeing the sun rise over the mountains and enjoying a magnificent view of Mt. Rainier – otherwise known as The Big Snowcone. I was also very glad to come home to the warmth. Now all I have to do is remember to do that every time I feel negative. One of those simple but hard things.

I just finished one of my Ike Pono weekends and I was surprised and pleased to see how much more comfortable I am staffing. I even put in my 8 cents worth and felt good about it. Funny, they mentioned how much I have changed since my own first weekend, they had to pry words out of me a lot – a little strange since I am a motormouth from a long line of motormouths. I also was crying a lot – still do but I don’t flood the place any more. I had a chance to talk with Michael about understanding surrendering and letting go because I still haven’t gotten a handle on it. It was one of those times when I needed to hear it in very plain words – essentially he said to stop beating myself up and just be. Another simple but hard. I never thought I was an analyzer, but that’s what I am trying to do, analyze what it is and be able to see it and hold it in my hands so I understand it.

I was working with the current Ohana on an exercise and I found myself thinking about myself. It was a breakthrough exercise and I started thinking about what keeps me holding on to RA and what does it take to truly let it go. I told Michael I know now RA is only part of me, not my identity; I’m trying to figure out how to know that I know way down deep inside me. That is where he told me I am constantly trying to figure things out and beat myself up – just be. Then he asked if I dream, I said I do. Then he asked if I have RA when I am dreaming – I don’t think I do. That is who I really am. There is a tug of war inside me – one side is all about RA and the other is my true self. Then he asked me what my Spiritual Contract is – I am joy. That is who I really am and to be that. It may mean saying it over and over to myself and also going back to my lists of the 25 positive things I am and concentrating on those.

Like the rest of Ike Pono, it will have to sit and simmer on the back burner and then one day a light bulb goes on and I realize “That’s what that is!”. It has happened more than once and I expect it will continue as I see patterns in my life and also as I help other with their journeys. Yes, the inner critic is still there, I am simply becoming more aware of her and remembering to to tell her to “Knock it off!” or even arresting her. I have been beating myself up for 63 years – for no valid reason it turns out – and as I turn 64 on Saturday, it is going to be less and less for the future. The biggest gift I can give myself is to love myself without judgment or criticism. Then it is so much easier to love others the same way.

Tags: Inner Critic, life patterns, negative thoughts, self love
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What Will Be My Focus?

January 1, 2011

WOW! It is 2011 this morning and it is quite uncomfortable. I was fine when I went to bed last night – isn’t that usually the way it starts? I woke up in the middle of the night very stiff in sore in my thighs – must have been the cleaning out I did yesterday. I took some Advil because it went from hip to ankle and very, very uncomfortable. I was able to sleep until 7 – YOW! does it hurt now. I have gotten up so I don’t keep tossing and turning and keep my other half awake and rubbed arnica gel as much as I can on the places that hurt. Now the question is – Do I focus on it, on how uncomfortable it is and what am I going to do? Or do I change my focus to something positive since I have done all I can to relieve it? I keep hearing in my head that what I focus on, think about right now will be the future – well, suppose I change what and how I think? Simple isn’t it. It means reframing how I see things, choosing different things to concentrate on and seeing the gift in it. That shouldn’t be hard. Ah, the devil is in the details. How easy to say, just change the focus – that only means changing 63 years of thought patterns in one fell swoop.

It’s actually not so dramatic, it is one thought at a time. So out of the thousands of thoughts a day, which do I choose to change, and then what is the next one? Here comes a program again. A slightly resentful one that comes out of frustration and overwhelm – I don’t know where to start and it’s so hard to do it when I hurt so much. Oh dear, here comes another one – I don’t know where to go with this train of thought, I really have nothing more to say. I might as well quit and go on to something I have more to say that makes sense.

That happens to me a lot, I start out writing about RA or something else with a great idea, then find it peters out and I am at a loss about where to go from there. Funny, I see a picture of myself out in an empty field, everyone has left and I am standing there alone, not knowing what happened or what to do. It makes me feel the way I did in school, anonymous and invisible, that no one wants to play with me because I am overweight and not good at games.

I suspect that is ego trying to take and keep control, telling me I don’t know what I’m talking about and no one wants to listen anyway. She loves the negative, the doom and gloom so much she will do anything to keep in control. And she is sneaky as well, I think I am more in control of things than she is and when I let my guard down, she is in there at the control board before I have a chance to take a breath. But she won’t be obvious about it right then, she’ll do it quietly so I am not quite aware of it until I notice how negative I feel.

It makes me realize how often it happens and how many times I have said “Why did I choose this, why didn’t I choose that other project, subject, etc?”. It happened a lot in commercial art school in the middle of a project that didn’t seem to be going well. That phrase “It seemed like a good idea t the time” keeps coming up quite often. That’s how it feels now. Well, I have changed my focus, but is it what I had in mind? I don’t think so. Now there’s the rub, I have a good intention but don’t always have a plan or concrete idea on how to accomplish it – especially in this realm of my life. It is so much easier to physically get up and go do something else than it is to think something else that easily. Hmmm, do I hear ego trying to make excuses here? Another thing she is very good at doing. It also occurs to me that I may sound like I have a split personality because I keep referring to ego in the third person. Maybe in some way I am because ego is all programs and I am looking at being more positive, more Aloha – it’s too depressing with ego always in control. I am working on remembering to observe what is happening in those times – when I am aware of ego and observe what is happening, she has less control.

Now I wonder if I have accomplished anything with this post – it started out in a specific idea but I ran into trouble finishing it. Maybe it is just another way for me to be more aware of what is happening in my head, my heart and to begin to recognize programs better. There are a lot of them and I don’t think I have recognized all of them yet. Maybe the clue is to just observe what’s happening when I am in this situation. To see what thoughts come up and if they are familiar – I may just recognize another program.

I now realize that instead of giving up writing this post because I ran out of thoughts, I kept going and have found a small “aha” for myself through it. I hope it is helpful to other people. Oh dear, I can hear little digs from ego about how stupid this post is and it would be better not to publish it. Yes I will post it!

Tags: Ego, focus, Idea
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Programs! Programs!

December 18, 2010

I did an Ike Pono weekend last week, another opportunity to see my programs in action. I am there usually most of the weekend, though I tell them when I run out of energy, I’m gone. They are really understanding because they know I give my best to them and the people in the class when I am there. This particular weekend I found myself very quiet at the beginning since it is all about the group rather than me. Part of it is that I feel I am back in my own first weekend learning the principles and doing the exercises. The last day I was more talkative and I realized at one point I was worried I was saying too much and maybe saying something wrong. PROGRAM! (I always think of the guys who hawked programs at events I went to – they all had that same gravelly, almost New York sound. I swear they went to school to be able to say it that particular way.) I realized that was part of my fear of being wrong. It also came from childhood when I was told “Not so loud” or said something opposite to what I wanted to say and got “that look”. I see now I have wanted from childhood to not say the wrong thing or something stupid. It also has to do with my perception I talk too much – yes, I know at times I can be a motormouth, I also know when I am nervous I tend to chatter. It’s all part of being the “good girl” who follows the rules even when they sometimes didn’t make sense.

Recently another program came up, one about how I see myself and how it feels inside. I am working on my resume to move into a new direction for my business and myself. As I remembered the things I have done in the last 40 some years, I was amazed at the long list. Then I had some testimonials from various sources and as I was typing them into the page, I realized there was one word that came up more often than any other – confidence. They all see it but why don’t I see it or feel it? After awhile, I thought about growing up with not thinking or talking well of myself because it would be bragging or boasting. Is it a huge leap to wonder if being confident and feeling that confidence is somehow in my mind part of boasting and and bragging? Is that fear of being wrong mixed in there as well? It feels as if I am putting a puzzle together and some pieces seem to fit but the loose ones still haven’t come together – I don’t have a picture as a reference to guide me. Some days I feel I am floundering around in the dark, other days some things are quite clear. The rest of the days I feel I am muddling through, with small “aha’s” every once in a while – makes me think I am on the right track. Oh, there’s that word again – right, the opposite or wrong. Or am I making too much of this one small thing.

I know that all of this is my perception of things – that if I don’t do something exactly the way someone else wants it, I’m wrong and not smart enough to do it right. Another program rears its head. I have to also look at what I have focused on all this time – guess what, it was on the negative and how I didn’t measure up. Where did I stop looking at all the positives in my life, in what I have been and done? Let’s face it, most often in an evaluation, it’s always the thinks one didn’t do well and what has to “be fixed”. What would happen if, instead of looking at the negative, the focus is on one’s strengths and abilities – then it doesn’t have to be “fixed”. This morning I had my left knee go “out on me again and I thought “What was so scary and unthinkable many years ago that having pain was much more acceptable?”. I know now I have a different outlook and view of myself than I did a while ago – how would that situation seem to me now? The knee is part of the side of my left leg that has been a big source of pain and limitation – when did it start and what was going on at the time? I am more ready to examine it now than I have ever been, though I will admit to a small part a little afraid it may be harder to face than I think. However, at this point, the thought of continuing with the pain and limitations is worse than the thought of what the core issue really is that started it all. That is something I have noticed over the years, at some point there is choice to make and the thought of status quo is worse than the alternative. I have often found pain is great incentive to make a change – but it has to be your decision, not being talked into it by someone who has decided what is right for you.

Something for me to ponder and think about, I know it isn’t quite clear yet, nor do I have the “I know that I know” with a picture in my mind. More pieces to fit into place before my puzzle is complete. I have several puzzles in progress, it will be some time before my work is done.

Tags: Health, Ike Pono, Inner Critic, pain
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Thank You YouTube!

December 5, 2010

It has been a rather odd 2 weeks for me lately. We had snow the week of Thanksgiving and since we live over a steep hill and at the top of another one, there was no way I was moving my butt out of here. I have been stuck on a hill in snow twice and that is 2 too many times. My other half made it out – who wouldn’t with an all wheel drive Volvo – but spent the next 2 nights up north in a hotel. I missed him but very glad he wasn’t in that traffic jam called I-5. I knew he was safe and warm in a hotel. The snow finally melted and we had blessed rain, so I saw him back the day before Thanksgiving. A little snow sends Seattle into a tizzy, so a lot of snow and ice sends it into orbit.

I know, what does that have to do with YouTube? I coming to that. I was scrolling around on Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend, I had been playing Bing Crosby, Ray Noble, Jack Hylton and Perry Como for my Mom. She really enjoyed it because they are songs of her young adulthood when there were big bands and part of the time she was going out with my Dad. Later I started looking around for some crystal singing bowl videos because I have been interested in sound healing and other more holisitic practices for the RA. I look for non-pharmaceutical ways to relieve pain and also to understand what is going on down inside of me. I came across a series of Chakra videos, one for each chakra. So I listened with ear phones and wondered if anything would come of it. Plus I know it is good to clear the chakras for well being. The fellow who did these videos calls himself 12soundsolutions and he had one called Amethyst Singing Bowl. It is meant to balance the masculine and feminine energies we all have. Now I know my giving right side is quite open, but my receiving left side is not open much – reasons for that are a whole different subject. So I figured it could hurt to have my energies balanced.

That night I slept quite well and comfortably, with only mild pain – I was amazed since I have had such pain and difficulty for the past few months. So I listened to it again the next day, another good night’s sleep and not the miserable pain that has been so usual. I have been listening to it every day and it am sleeping better than I have for a while. What is going on? I will say that since that first day, I have been so tired, falling asleep in the chair and feeling as if I am dragging myself around at times. Last Thursday I had that “coming down with something” feeling, not sure if it is a cold or flu. Also, after months of not having them, I had several migraines so I took a bomber each time and it was gone later. I started taking baking soda, took Airbonne and then Friday I started in on essential oils for the impending sore throat. Now it is a stuffy nose and more of a cold, so Tea Tree oil. Not sure what to do next, I may end up going to my acupuncturist to get rid of the whole thing. Yet in spite of all of that, I have slept quite well.

Now I can’t say the same for my joints, they seem to be rebelling and making it harder and more uncomfortable to walk. I am sure my body is shouting at me to let me know something is going on – which part do I listen to first? Yesterday I had a feeling of being boxed in – who is doing the boxing in and why? Is there something going on in my life that I would rather hurt than face it head on? I do have one situation to deal with that I don’t feel I have any control – well, some days that seems to cover everything in my life. But I realize that no one ever controls anything except one thing – one’s perceptions and thoughts. So I have to sort out my thoughts about things and decide how I want to perceive them – that I have control over! The choice is whether to continue on my ingrained and programmed negative or to stop to consciously shift gears and create positive perceptions. Takes some effort to teach an old dog new tricks, but definitely possible. I keep thinking “Why is this coming up now”? That answer always is because I am ready to hear it. Just add it to the list. The good part is that I am sleeping better at the moment.

So I will listen to the Amethyst Crystal bowl every day until the Universe sends me something else. Thank Yo YouTube for having all those videos and a way to listen to things I didn’t know existed or I haven’t heard in a long time. I am beginning to see Life as an adventure. You never know who you will meet or what they have to say – like the lady yesterday in the health food store who was buying marshmallow root to brew tea because the contrails piss her off. Go figure! I wasn’t going to touch that one with a 10 foot pole. Happy marshmallow root tea to her.

Tags: holistic, sound healing, YouTube
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Another one of those days!

November 27, 2010

I certainly didn’t expect to have another one of “those” days quite so soon, but there is no telling what will happen from one day to the next. I am working on seeing Life as an adventure and that isn’t always easy. Last night was one of those “end of my rope” times – I am still not sleeping and I was really dragging. Plus I felt a migraine coming on and it just seemed as if I couldn’t climb out of the hole of not sleeping very well for so long. I also was really feeling pain in my legs – I was at that point of starting to cry. But what surprised me was how I found myself feeling better – I got to thinking that as long as I focus on not sleeping well and being so tired – isn’t that creating what I don’t want? It was time to change direction, so I just asked God to change my attitude to positive. He has done that many times before – one time I remember especially. It was 1974 and we had just moved to an apartment complex in the South Bay of Los Angeles. A brand new apartment, bigger than the one we left in San Francisco, but I felt “I don’t like this place”. So I asked God to change my attitude and by golly, the next time I thought about it, I was fine.

I grew up with a legacy of several generations of negativity – how amazing that given that history, my Mom and Dad definitely changed a lot of that pattern for the three of us girls. They always made us feel loved and wanted and we did so much together as a family – Dad always said if they couldn’t take us somewhere, they didn’t want to go. They also brought us up with integrity – some days it felt like a blessing, other days more of a curse. How could I be a “bad girl” with all that “good girl” programming?I always wondered what it would be like to be a “bad girl”. Mom and Dad gave us a good grounding in many things and more and more I realize how blessed I was to grow up in this family.

The negative part was always there as well, not always spoken, more implied. One of the negative concepts was that the world is a scary place, so be safe and secure before venturing out. Not conducive to taking risks and stepping out of the comfort zone. There didn’t seem to be an example of stepping out to help guide us – so I have always been scared to step out in something risky. Except one that I ended up copying. Now I know that going down to Australia to marry a man I hardly knew was certainly a risk, except I didn’t really see it that way. My aunt has introduced us and if she thought there was anything shady about him, I know she would have let me know in no uncertain terms. Plus I had my Mom’s example – she went to California to marry my Dad right after Pearl Harbor even though her family thought she was crazy. it took me as long to go to Australia in 1969 as it took her to go from Connecticut to California in December 1941. I realize there was an objective in that rip, he was at the end of the flight and I couldn’t wait to see him again. There were a couple of three times when I thought to myself “What am I doing? I don’t know this man” . That’s when The Voice arrived, asking “Well, if you don’t go, how will you feel?”. The answer was, I would regret it. The Voice said “then shut up and do it!”.

I know my parents loved us, but it seemed there was always second guessing and micro-managing – any time we did something or went somewhere. It was a constant “Don’t fall down the bank”, “Don’t trip and hurt yourself”, “Don’t cut yourself” “Don’t, Don’t, Don’t”! That was when we went to the property they owned on Vashon Island and we checked out the fruit trees, the high bank waterfront on the Sound and the old barn with all kinds of things inside. Ye Gods and Little Fishes! Did she think I or my sisters were going to do things deliberately to see how much damage we could do with the least amount of effort? Give me a break! We did have common sense after all.

Recently I began to be more aware of the patterns of only looking at the negative. We have a long, steep windy hill in front of us and we can get to West Seattle more easily that way. So when I was driving my Mom down it one day, she talked about going over the edge and ending up in a heap at the bottom without any trouble. I suddenly realized I didn’t want to buy into that any more, so I said we could just as easily go down the hill and get to where we were going with no problem. I had never done that before and I have started noticing things ever since then. It does take more practice to be aware of the negative patterns – negative autopilot is easier and more familiar. It is slowly getting easier as I practice – I am a work in progress.

One thing I have chosen to do is to set an intention of knowing the truth about myself because I now know it isn’t all negative as I have always feared. Yes, there are things that are uncomfortable, may make me cringe and aren’t easy to admit and embrace; but there isn’t a godawful bitch on wheels in there after all. Inside there is an amazing woman coming into her own and she is a Kickass Warrior.

Tags: life patterns, negativity, pain, rheumatoid arthritis
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There are days!

November 21, 2010

Last night was one of those low points, I haven’t one that low for quite awhile. I have two situations going on as well as dealing with RA – amazing how they all combine at times. Last night I was putting off going to bed because I have not been sleeping very well the past few months because my legs hurt so much at night. I will admit to feeling worn out and worn down at the moment, not sure what to do or not do to understand what’s happening and what I can do to help my wonderful body – my friend and healer – to create healing for my legs. It has taken me a long time to see my body as healer, friend and beautiful – not quite there wholeheartedly but a heck of lot closer than I was. I am uncomfortable admitting that when I am “drag my ass tired”, I tend to be cranky and not especially objective.

I had a conversation last night that put me over the edge – I was ready to cry and the tears were coming. But there isn’t anywhere to go to yell my lungs out, beat the pillow and generally howl with pain and frustration. The odd thing was, I was thinking about one of the other situations that is foreign territory to me and nothing to guide me through it. Yet I heard myself say, I can do this, whatever it requires I can do this. I may feel like running away and not dealing with it; I may not want to do something necessary, I may not like doing it – but I can do it. I don’t remember ever thinking that way before – I usually had that scared little kid feeling of “I can’t do this, I want my Mommy”! By George, there is a real adult woman inside me these days and that feels amazing. I still am not happy dealing with this situation, but I am seeing it as a capable adult woman who knows when to seek advice from those with experience.

I can’t honestly say why I was so upset last night, maybe it is just all of it coming together because I am tired. I know two of the situations I can leave the house for awhile and not think about it or have to do anything. But I have to take my legs with me – ain’t that a b—-h sometimes. I would love to leave one or more body parts at home so I could have some fun – jump, skip, climb and whoop it up. But so far I haven’t created a way to do that, so the body goes with me on holiday, to parties, to fun things and here I am thinking it is in my way. In my more rational moments, I realize how grateful I am to my body because she makes it possible to use all my senses to experience the world, my legs have taken me to places in the world and the US. I have always wanted to go – some were interesting but I have no desire to go back again and I am glad I was able to leave. Without her I couldn’t read, write, quilt, laugh, hear Puccini arias or all of Beethoven, I could see or hear the ocean and waterfalls; I could smell or taste all those wonderful things from my Mom’s kitchen or appreciate her gorgeous hooked rugs. I am so grateful that most of my body systems – respiratory, digestive, circulation, etc. all work really well, just a few problems with joints, tendons, muscles and ligaments.

Those are my rational moments. Last night was one of my “oh-poor-me-osis” moments when I feel very sorry for myself and think I have it worse than anyone else on the planet. (I can be a global thinker at times). I get into that victim mentality and and wonder why I am lumbered with all this, what did I do that was so bad I deserve this? Well, I hope I had one hell of a good time because this is the pits. Then there are those who think they are helping by pointing out someone who is worse off than I am – that just makes me cranky and feeling I have been dismissed and devalued. As if what I deal with is not as major or important or serious as the person they have mentioned. At this point in my life, I would like to tell them to shove it where the sun don’t shine, Thank You very much. Unfortunately my Mother and Father brought me up to be polite and it is extremely difficult to go against early childhood training. However, I have on rare occasions actually been able to do it. Then I feel badly afterwards because I wasn’t the “good girl” I was brought up to be. Rats! Can’t even enjoy that rare moment!

Funny, this time I didn’t feel a lot of that stuff, it was more calm and the tears were just spilling over on to my cheeks; it was almost as if I was too tired to feel, much less examine exactly what was happening. I went to bed and my husband, bless his heart, just folded me into his arms and let me cry. Yikes! As I write this I find my eyes filling again so I know I haven’t cried it out or resolved it yet. And I didn’t sleep all that well last night either. I am a work in progress and no doubt will be for the rest of my life.

Something surprising I have noticed in the 40 years of RA, whether I am in pain and really low, on a high or anywhere in between, I have an ability to see some humor in it as I describe it to myself or write it for someone else. These things pop into my mind just at the right moment and it feels right, that it fits. I don’t sit and think, “now what does this remind me of or what word or phrase can I use to describe this?”, it just arrives with no effort or thought. Those can also come out not the way I meant and it means another foot in mouth moment. So I am grateful for it and appreciate the boost it gives me.

Tags: Health, pain, positive/negative, rheumatoid arthritis, Thought
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How do I see myself?

November 20, 2010

I have an overwhelming desire to whinge – as if I am the only one who has uncomfortable stuff to deal with. But by whingeing to you, it relieves some of the pressure for me, but loads it on to you – something no one needs. I know for most of the past 40 years that was mainly what I did, whinge and find that people would say how brave I was, wondering how I do all that I do with RA. I suspect I put up a better front than I realized, they saw me in a very different way than I saw myself. I know I spent many times thinking “If they only knew how scared and unsure I am, how clueless about so much!”. But I can see now that I was reflecting my own insecurities and my own negative view of myself.

Which brings me to how I see myself – I am beginning to realize I have always had a negative view of me, that what I noticed growing up was what seemed wrong with me rather than being more aware of the positives. I can say with conviction now that there are a lot of positives about, in and with me, just took longer to recognize them. I also notice the negative view is on automatic pilot – I have to consciously stop myself and rewrite them. Thanks to Ike Pono, I have begun to see where an event has happened, there was emotion, there is a memory and there was a decision – a negative one. then gathering evidence that I was right in that decision. I didn’t want to go back and visit those decisions, that evidence because it hurt too much – as if there was no other way or conclusion that could be drawn from it except the negative.

My hypnotherapy friend Kathie Brodie – The Baggage Handler – suggested I write out each incident as it happened and how I felt. But then to rewrite it with a positive ending. I used red ink for the “as it happened” piece,then regular black ink, because I didn’t have purple, to write a positive ending. Yikes! I couldn’t imagine how it could end positively, so it was quite a surprise and pleasure to find it writing itself and I was blown away by the result. I must have gone into Pono when I wrote second version because I don’t consciously know where it came from. So I did the next one – wasn’t quite as satisfying but really cool. The third one also blew me away, this is cool! These are to help me with self confidence and loving myself self, probably the main thing I need to learn about myself.

I am beginning to understand I have seen myself as not good enough, not measuring up or lacking something that everyone else seemed to have had from birth. Because I was and am overweight – Reubenesque or fluffy – I saw myself as unacceptable because I didn’t fit the mold of tall, blonde, slender, lovely, etc. I felt I was too fat to fit the pigeon hole. I felt inadequate because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, everyone else had goals ad career plans. They were slender and pretty and had boyfriends and friends, all the things I wanted but didn’t think I had or was somehow missing something the others had. Oh dear, as I look back at what I have written, it sounds as if I have a bad case of “oh-poor-me-osis” in full blown mode. What I realize as I look back at growing up and going to school, I saw myself as inadequate, not good enough, maybe even not deserving. Great foundation to build a life! Now as I start writing about those upsetting incidents and then turning them into positive, I can see other parts of me and my life in much more positive ways rather than deciding it is just more evidence to prove my decision. Now I can better see that little girl and be there to protect her and let her know she is loved and very lovable. I can give her the support she didn’t think she had at the time and embrace her in loving kindness.

I see now that not only have I been seeing myself these days as limited, it has been that way all my life – other people do all these amazing things, have all the wonderful experiences, possessions and wonderful friend – but I don’t. My view has been so fogged in by negative views of me and my life, I haven’t been able to let in the wonderful, positive ones. Once in awhile I could see them in the distance when the fog would lift or part, but I didn’t see them as real and I didn’t believe them. I am burning off the fog myself now, a bit at a time and allowing the sunshine and all the positive loving things, experiences and people in and believing they are true. It is a new way to be and is taking time to put into motion, but it is happening. I am becoming my contract – “I am a healthy, powerful, inspiring woman courageously living my vision now”!

Tags: Health, Ike Pono, negative, Roleplaying, Thought
Posted in Questions | Leave a Comment »

How have I defined healing?

November 14, 2010

When I fell several weeks ago and I asked my friend Kathie Brodie of The Baggage Handler for a healing, my definition of that healing was taking away all the pain from the fall and my knee. When I didn’t feel anything different, I figured there was no healing. However, was that the healing I needed at the moment, was that for my highest good? Or was there something else that was more important that I wasn’t even aware needed healing? I realize so much of my focus has been on what hurts and how I can get rid of the pain – but is that how healing looks for me? I have been expecting it to be a certain way and when it didn’t happen that specific way, I didn’t think anything had changed. What I have been learning in Ike Pono is that things don’t always look the way I think they should (oh, there’s that word) look or be. I am learning to simply be open, receptive, willing and unlimited, setting my intention for that and see what happens. The difficulty with the RA is that I want the pain to go and my joints to be the way they were before; am I putting unrealistic expectations on myself and the Universe?

As a result of thinking about this, I can now see that I see myself as limited – in mobility, flexibility and energy. Am I as limited as I think I am? Let’s face it, it is a good reason and excuse not to venture out too much – I have limited energy. It also frustrates the heck out me that I have a lot of things I want to do but feel I don’t have enough energy to accomplish them all. I think I need large blocks of time and a lot of energy to accomplish things instead of planning and organizing my time to do small sections at a time in a consistent way to accomplish my goals. Organizing my time, my office (that’s a whole story in itself!) myself and my mind set or view of myself. Now it is easy to talk about it, plan it in my head, etc., something else to put into practice. I notice I tend to see an event in the past, or a situation or a conversation only in the same way each time I think of it or something reminds me of it. I have done that for so long that looking at it with a different view or perspective seems really difficult. It is as if I have decided there is only one to see it and that has kept me stuck in many ways. The muscles for seeing it in a different way are weak because I haven’t really used them much, so the more I do, the stronger they will be. I suspect it is much easier to see myself as the victim and put upon rather than acknowledge where I have responsibility. It didn’t happen in a vacuum and as Dr. Phil says “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”. I was going to say where I was wrong or made wrong choices, but recently I found out one things that holds me back from manifestation is my fear of being wrong. That is another essay for another day.

I have always thought of healing in terms of the RA – my definition of healing is finding the cause and making the changes needed to create health. A cure is it is magically gone but not getting to the core issue, it comes back because the core issue isn’t acknowledged or dealt with and resolved. I can see now that healing has to do with mind, body and spirit as well as the past and the messages perceived as a result of incidents from childhood to adulthood. A whole lot more to work with than just taking the pain from the body. I remember thinking of my body as trapped in a rusty suit of armor – something that had no connection or relationship to me. I said that if you looked in my eyes, you would see the real me in there yelling, screaming and fighting to get out. I had divorced myself from my body and blamed it for everything – poor love, I see now she was trying to help me. She is my healer and my waring system – she is trying to tell me something and I can’t hear, so she has to do something to get my attention. Unfortunately, I still don’t know what she wants to tell me – or is it that I don’t want to know because it is too scary and means I might find out I have a part in it. If I choose not to understand, then I don’t have to do anything and can “legitimately” complain, whinge and bitch about the situation. After all, I am getting positive feedback about how brave I am, how amazing I can do as much as I do with RA. That’s hard to give up for looking at what the truth is. At that point, it was “You can’t handle the truth!”. Certainly a scary proposition but now I am much more ready to know the truth about myself because I know that godawful bitch on wheels I thought lived inside of me isn’t real. The real me is cool and a kickass warrior, I want to know this Lee a whole lot better.

P.S. I always wonder where a post will go when I start it and if it makes sense at the end.

Tags: Alternative, Energy Healing, Healing, pain
Posted in Questions | Leave a Comment »

Update (long overdue)

November 7, 2010

Life has been rather eventful lately, after falling and being laid up for a while, I seem to have lost track of my life. NOTE TO SELF if you don’t write regularly, it’s not a blog. I was so caught up in how much it hurt to walk that it was hard to think of anything else. How could a small part of my body wreak such havoc? I have finally gotten back into my life again and am able to walk almost as I had before the fall; feels as if I am playing catchup. I spent 3 weeks of really difficult days barely making it to the bed, the chair and the bathroom – many times I wondered how long I could postpone getting up and trying to walk on the knee. I was sorry for myself at times, kept wondering why I didn’t stick to my policy of watching where I am stepping rather than watching where I am going. However, that is just beating myself up and what came out of that was negativity – I sometimes feel there is already an oversupply of that already.

The odd thing was, after a bit I began to wonder “What is the gift in this? What can I learn from it?”. Not my usual questions but Ike Pono has given me a different awareness now than I had before. As my last post showed, I have been thinking in a different way, though so far I haven’t been able to answer the “Who am I” question to a point where I can say “I know that I know”. One of these days. But I have been looking at things differently and have discovered a few other things that certainly bring more questions. I realize now I choose to know the truth about myself, before I was saying I am willing to know the truth. A subtle difference but now I am ready, rather than I think I am ready. I have been thinking of other times in my life where I was in a similar situation and how I thought about it. The section in Ike Pono about there is an event, an emotion, a memory and then decision, followed by gathering evidence to prove you are right – as in the example of the kid who decided he was stupid. I have been looking at the times when things happened and I once again confirmed I was unacceptable – this time as I remember them, I will write it down as it happened and then rewrite it in a positive way. That may take some real practice because I realize when I think of those times, it is always the same feelings, pictures and words in my mind – it takes some doing because I have thought of it in one way for so long that a different view or interpretation seems a lot harder. I figure the more I do it, the easier it will become with practice.

I had tea with a good friend the other week and she did an angel card reading for me – Yikes! She was spot on! There are two big things for me to work on, loving myself and my fear of being wrong. Now I know loving myself has been a big challenge all my life, over the years I have done pretty well on that one and there is still a lot left to do. The fear of being wrong was a hit in the face because I have realize I have been thinking and feeling it but never put it into specific words. It just hit me that it is part of not feeling acceptable – I have spent a lot of my life looking for approval and validation from other people so I would know I was right or had made the right decision. I realized a while ago that it was a gift from someone important in my life that I didn’t get the approval and validation I wanted so badly – it made me find it inside myself. Then I would not be constantly looking for it from other people because if those people are gone, what would I do? I would be constantly looking for someone to give approval. I can see the things that gave me joy, the enthusiasm and exuberance I felt and expressed but was squelched, seemed bad or unacceptable and of course that meant I was unacceptable. So if I made a “wrong” choice according to someone I craved approval from, once again I am not acceptable. I can see this could go round and round in circles until I drive myself crazy. Time to let it simmer on the back burner for a bit and see what comes up. It is amazing how putting it in words on paper can help clear things up or bring out other parts of the same thing.

I find it fascinating how I start at one point and by the end of the entry I am in an entirely different place. Oh my, I just realized my self-worth and loving myself is also tied up in all of this – like pulling a strand of a wadded up ball of tangled yarn and not knowing how it will all unravel. The good news is that I now know that whatever I find in the deepest part of my essence, it will be positive and loving – that god awful bitch on wheels was never there, it was just my fear and perception about who I was deep down. Ain’t that a kick in the head!

Tags: Humor, Ike Pono, My Life, Thought
Posted in Musings | Leave a Comment »

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