How have I defined healing?

When I fell several weeks ago and I asked my friend Kathie Brodie of The Baggage Handler for a healing, my definition of that healing was taking away all the pain from the fall and my knee.  When I didn’t feel anything different, I figured there was no healing.  However, was that the healing I needed at the moment, was that for my highest good?  Or was there something else  that was more important that I wasn’t even aware needed healing?  I realize so much of my focus has been on what hurts and how I can get rid of the pain – but is that how healing looks for me?  I have been expecting it to be a certain way and when it didn’t happen that specific way, I didn’t think anything had changed.  What I have been learning in Ike Pono is that things don’t always look the way I think they should (oh, there’s that word) look or be.  I am learning to simply be open, receptive, willing and unlimited, setting my intention for that and see what happens.  The difficulty with the RA is that I want the pain to go and my joints to be the way they were before; am I putting unrealistic expectations on myself and the Universe?

As a result of thinking about this, I can now see that I see myself as limited – in mobility, flexibility and energy.  Am I as limited as I think I am?  Let’s face it, it is a good reason and excuse not to venture out too much – I have limited energy.  It also frustrates the heck out me that I have a lot of things I want to do but feel I don’t have enough energy to accomplish them all.  I think I need large blocks of time and a lot of energy to accomplish things instead of planning and organizing my time to do small sections at a time in a consistent way to accomplish my goals.  Organizing my time, my office (that’s a whole story in itself!) myself and my mind set or view of myself.  Now it is easy to talk about it, plan it in my head, etc., something else to put into practice.  I notice I tend to see an event in the past, or a situation or a conversation only in the same way each time I think of it or something reminds me of it.  I have done that for so long that looking at it with a different view or perspective seems really difficult.  It is as if I have decided there is only one to see it and that has kept me stuck in many ways.  The muscles for seeing it in a different way are weak because I haven’t really used them much, so the more I do, the stronger they will be.  I suspect it is much easier to see myself as the victim and put upon rather than acknowledge where I have responsibility.  It didn’t happen in a vacuum and as Dr. Phil says “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”.  I was going to say where I was wrong or made wrong choices, but recently I found out one things that holds me back from manifestation is my fear of being wrong.  That is another essay for another day.

I have always thought of healing in terms of the RA – my definition of healing is finding the cause and making the changes needed to create health.  A cure is it is magically gone but not getting to the core issue,  it comes back because the core issue isn’t acknowledged or dealt with and resolved.  I can see now that healing has to do with mind, body and spirit as well as the past and the messages perceived as a result of incidents from childhood to adulthood.  A whole lot more to work with than just taking the pain from the body.  I remember thinking of my body as trapped in a rusty suit of armor – something that had no connection or relationship to me.  I said that if you looked in my eyes, you would see the real me in there yelling, screaming and fighting to get out.  I had divorced myself from my body and blamed it for everything – poor love, I see now she was trying to help me.  She is my healer and my waring system – she is trying to tell me something and I can’t hear, so she has to do something to get my attention.  Unfortunately, I still don’t know what she wants to tell me – or is it that I don’t want to know because it is too scary and means I might find out I have a part in it.  If I choose not to understand, then I don’t have to do anything and can “legitimately” complain, whinge and bitch about the situation.  After all, I am getting positive feedback about how brave I am, how amazing I can do as much as I do with RA.  That’s hard to give up for looking at what the truth is.  At that point, it was “You can’t handle the truth!”.  Certainly a scary proposition but now I am much more ready to know the truth about myself because I know that godawful bitch on wheels I thought lived inside of me isn’t real.  The real me is cool and a kickass warrior, I want to know this Lee a whole lot better.

P.S.  I always wonder where a post will go when I start it and if it makes sense at the end.

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