Don’t Feed The Monkey!

It’s been one of those weekends when I have been in resentment more than I want to be.  I have a couple of situations that I am dealing with that can really get to me if I allow it.  And you know who loves it when I allow myself to be angry, resentful and generally negative, you guessed it – ego.  She loves it because she is the monkey mind that wants things to be the absolute worst so she can control it all and revel in it.  She also is so damn sneaky that I don’t know she is creeping into control until I am ready to burst.  Some days I don’t have the energy or the strength to tell her “I see you, I see what you are doing.”  As Eckert Tolle said in his book “The New Earth”, ego loses strength just by  my being aware and observing what is happening.  Now I am beginning to see what she is doing and I start to think “What familiar pattern is this?”.

I was ready to head out to the car and scream my lungs out today and yesterday because I was frustrated.  Most days I can deal with it and notice the patterns and be able to let it roll off my back.  But for some reason I haven’t been able to do it this week.  2 or 3 three comments at different time just hit me wrong and I wasn’t able to stay objective – I went into victim mode and fed the monkey a huge meal.  One of the exercises we do at Ike Pono has to do with showing  how we assign significance to things where there is no significance.  It’s all a story we make up about a situation.  It is an exercise that does piss some people off and when it  is finished, they are asked what the purpose of the exercise was.  They come up with all kinds of answers except the real answer.   It does make them start thinking about times in their life where they made up a story about something that didn’t actually have a story.  Now I know this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense unless you have taken the weekend – I don’t talk about the exercises because they have a sequence and it would take them out of context to describe them.  All those stories we make up feed the monkey.

I have to admit, I have fed the monkey a feast this weekend, but it doesn’t mean I am going to beat myself up – more food for the monkey.  I see patterns from my life and how I have always reacted – time to change those patterns and viewpoint to a positive one. How easy to say it or write it but not all that easy to do.  I feel attacked and insulted for no reason, other times I feel I am not heard or valued.  Is it actually true or a story I made up to feel justified if I struck back in retaliation?  I can think of times when I did it back just so that person would know how it felt.  But it didn’t really work, just made the other person angry and more mean.  I felt powerless and helpless – don’t like feeling that at all.

Plus, yesterday was my birthday and I wanted to feel like a princess with everything sunshine and smiles.  It is my only 64th birthday and I wanted it to be “perfect”.  It is an unreachable outcome for things to be “perfect” – ask all the bridezillas out there.  Maybe just feel a bit more special than usual for my birthday.   Now I have to say, my husband brought me flowers, took me to dinner and generally made feel very loved so that princess part was just about there.  So what is my excuse today?  I’m working on not feeding the monkey today, it is taking all my angels and Spirit to work in me to change my attitude.  Actually, this is one of those times when I need an attitude overhaul rather than just an adjustment.

As I think about being resentful, I realize no one else is really aware of it or even cares because they are all caught up in their own stories from their point of view.  I have to constantly remind myself that the after effects are on me, my body and my frame of mind.  By sitting and stewing about it, playing the victim just continually feeds the monkey.  It will take some time to remember when I get this way that  it is not worth it and tell myself


Tags: , , ,

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: