What Will Be My Focus?


WOW!  It is 2011 this morning and it is quite uncomfortable.  I was fine when I went to bed last night – isn’t that usually the way it starts?  I woke up in the middle of the night very stiff in sore in my thighs – must have been the cleaning out I did yesterday.  I took some Advil because it went from hip to ankle and very, very uncomfortable.  I was able to sleep until 7 – YOW! does it hurt now.  I have gotten up so I don’t keep tossing and turning and keep my other half awake and rubbed arnica gel as much as I can on the places that hurt.  Now the question is – Do I focus on it, on how uncomfortable it is and what am I going to do?  Or do I change my focus to something positive since I have done all I can to relieve it?  I keep hearing in my head that what I focus on, think about right now will be the future – well, suppose I change what and how I think?  Simple isn’t it.  It means reframing how I see things, choosing different things to concentrate on and seeing the gift in it.  That shouldn’t be hard.  Ah, the devil is in the details.  How easy to say, just change the focus – that only means changing 63 years of thought patterns in one fell swoop.

It’s actually not so dramatic, it is one thought at a time.  So out of the thousands of thoughts a day, which do I choose to change, and then what is the next one?  Here comes a program again.  A slightly resentful one that comes out of frustration and overwhelm – I don’t know where to start and it’s so hard to do it when I hurt so much.  Oh dear, here comes another one – I don’t know where to go with this train of thought, I really have nothing more to say.  I might as well quit and go on to something I have more to say that makes sense.

That happens to me a lot, I start out writing about RA or something else with a great idea, then find it peters out and I am at a loss about where to go from there.  Funny, I see a picture of myself out in an empty field, everyone has left and I am standing there alone, not knowing what happened or what to do.  It makes me feel the way I did in school, anonymous and invisible, that no one wants to play with me because I am overweight and not good at games.

I suspect that is ego trying to take and keep control, telling me I don’t know what I’m talking about and no one  wants to listen anyway.  She loves the negative, the doom and gloom so much she will do anything to keep in control.  And she is sneaky as well, I think I am more in control of things than she is and when I let my guard down, she is in there at the control board before I have a chance to take a breath.  But she won’t be obvious about it right then, she’ll do it quietly so I am not quite aware of it until I notice how negative I feel.

It  makes me realize how often it happens and how many times I have said “Why did I choose this, why didn’t I choose that other project, subject, etc?”.  It happened a lot in commercial art school in the middle of a project that didn’t seem to be going well.  That phrase “It seemed like a good idea t the time” keeps coming up quite often.  That’s how it feels now.  Well, I have changed my focus, but is it what I had in mind?  I don’t think so.  Now there’s the rub, I have a good intention but don’t always have a plan or concrete idea on how to accomplish it – especially in this realm of my life.  It is so much easier to physically get up and go do something else than it is to think something else that easily.  Hmmm, do I hear ego trying to make excuses here?  Another thing she is very good at doing.  It also occurs to me that I may sound like I have a split personality because I keep referring to ego in the third person.  Maybe in some way I am because ego is all programs and I am looking at being more positive, more Aloha – it’s too depressing with ego always in  control.  I am working on remembering to observe what is happening in those times – when I am aware of ego and observe what is happening, she has less control.

Now I wonder if I have accomplished anything with this post – it started out in a specific idea but I ran into trouble finishing it.  Maybe it is just another way for me to be more aware of what is happening in my head, my heart and to begin to recognize programs better.  There are a lot of them and I don’t think I have recognized all of them yet.  Maybe the clue is to just observe what’s happening when I am in this situation.  To see what thoughts come up and if they are familiar – I may just recognize another program.

I now realize that instead of giving up writing this post because I ran out of thoughts, I kept going and have found a small “aha” for myself through it.  I hope it is helpful to other people.  Oh dear, I can hear little digs from ego about how stupid this post is and it would be better not to publish it.  Yes I will post it!

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